My family likes my ex-wife better than me.

[Pale Blue Dot]

My ex-wife and I have remained friends, and she has stayed particularly close to my family. This past week she vacationed down at the shore with them (and my son). It's the middle of the back-to-school rush for me, so I could only get one day to come down and join them.

It was an incredibly uncomfortable day.

I have never discussed with my family the reasons for the divorce - I don't think it's any of their business - but it's obvious to me that they blame me for the whole thing, and have spent the past year hoping that we'd get back together (it was never going to happen, folks.) Now that they know for sure that that won't happen, they STILL seem to be in denial. And again, they think it's MY fault.

I'm almost sorry I decided to be friends with her. Almost. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to make a clean break.

Rant over. You may all go back to your lives now. :-)

[Bunny]

1. Is your son also her son?

If so, how can you possibly make a "clean break"?

[Pale Blue Dot]

5. I can't, really

I'm just ranting. Yes, it's our son.

I mean, I suppose I could be one of those guys who goes to pick up his son and barely says two words to the ex. But that's not me, and I don't think that's good for our son.

[jpgray]

9. Speaking as someone who grew up in a divorced household

I had zero problems with exactly the modus operandi you describe--in hindsight I'm thrilled that my parents never tried the "we'll be friends" route because it would have delayed the reality of the split, given me false hope, provided future traumatic letdowns if the friendship didn't work, etc. No rancor between my folks after the split, but they didn't pair up to take my brother and I on family vacation or anything either. That would have been bizarre.

And as for the reply below here somewhere, that's pretty presumptuous, rude, and shows a lack of knowledge about the way divorced households tend to operate.

[Pale Blue Dot]

11. Thankfully, my son doesn't have any false hopes.

I have a very serious girlfriend (who he's met), and he's actually very excited about the possibility that someday he may have several step-brothers and sisters (he is an only child).

[jpgray]

14. You know your own situation best

But for my parents, their trying to sustain an actual friendship (being cordial and courteous was no problem) would have been a huge strain.

[demnan]

2. Look, it's the child, stupid!

Your family is like every other divorced family on the planet, they want to make things comfortable for the child. What is so important to you that you can't spend time with your child? Who gives a fuck why there was a divorce! Get down there and spend some time with your child, please, get your priorities in order, friend.

[GOPisEvil]

4. This is one of the ruder things I've read here.

Edit - I mean, really - that comment was WAY out of line, and out of character from what I know of you.

[BlueIris]

10. That comment WAS way out of line.

Holy crap.

[petronius]

6. A bit harsh, aren't you?

He explains why he couldn't make this particular vacation, and there is no indication of how much time he spends with his child. For all we know, he could be the parent with custody...

[Pale Blue Dot]

7. I don't know what you're reading in my post, buddy.

But I went down on my only day off and spent time with my son. THAT'S THE MAIN REASON I WENT DOWN. I see him every chance I get. He's a wonderful kid, and I stay friends with his mom so that I don't cause him furthur scaring.

What the hell were you reading?

[BikeWriter]

19. Whoa! :-(

[LeftyMom]

25. That was unfair

and speaking as the child of divorced parents, I'd rather roll naked through broken glass and dirty hypodermic needles than be in a room with both of my parents at once (and they've been split two decades! It was much uglier when thier woulnds were fresh.) If they can't interact comfortably, or in this case if the family's making that impossible, it's better that the child spend time with them individually.

[SarahB]

26. This man sacrifices more for the people he cares for...

than anyone I've ever known. He's a loving human being. He's an awesome dad. :mad:

[Taverner]

33. WTF???

where the fuck did that come from?

[EST]

3. Walked a few miles in those particular shoes...

[Pale Blue Dot]

8. Sucks, don't it?

nt

[EST]

22. It does, indeed.

Every adversity shows up with opportunity in its hands. We seek adversities in order to obtain the gift of those opportunities.
As awful as it can get, there is the possibility of powerful, positive return.

[BlueIris]

12. My family liked my ex, too.

Not really the same situation as yours, but it is very frustrating that despite my explanation that the relationship ended because he was an abusive asshole, they still sometimes make references to "what a nice man" they thought he was. In addition to the fact that he wasn't, the fact that they don't acknowledge my feelings about the situation and seem to want to perversely elevate their own feelings and perceptions about the situation over mine, is--actually, it's really hurtful and it's why I don't see them much any more.

But, back to you: you could try confronting them about the issue. Just to make them aware that the relationship, is, you know, over and it's fine that they want to same stability for your kid that you do, but--you're the family member. She--isn't? Maybe your concerns and feelings should merit more attention in their minds.

[Pale Blue Dot]

15. They should, but they probably never will.

Truth is, even if I told them the reasons for the divorce, they probably still wouldn't understand. I married someone exactly like my parents, I think.

Sorry about your situation, though. What is it about people that they can't even see when their own child is suffering? Makes no sense. At least you got out of that relationship.

Thanks for the post. :hug:

[davidinalameda]

13. my mother likes my sister's ex-huband better than her as well

but that's just my mother

she's a bit touched in the head

[NewJeffCT]

16. I lucked out with my divorce

my family never really liked my ex-wife, and we never had kids. (I think her family liked me & knew I tried to make my ex happy & didn't abuse her or anything... but, I don't know if they really loved me or anything)

and, we never had kids.

I'm sorry you have to go through this with your family & that they don't trust you that it's for the best.

On the other hand, my family really loves my wife now, even though she is not white & was born in another country & has only lived in the US for 6 years.

[Pale Blue Dot]

17. That's great.

My family likes my girlfriend, but it's still a difficult situation. They start to feel uncomfortable if I talk about her (which I want to do all the time).

Kudos on the new wife. :thumbsup: Maybe we could all have dinner together sometime?

[NewJeffCT]

18. sorry to hear that

I don't bring up my ex to my wife or my family... it's almost like she is persona non-grata. But, I have not heard a word from her in over 4 years now. The last time we spoke she said her new b/f had forbidden her from speaking with me, which is a 180 from her personality with me. (If I had tried to "forbid" her from doing anything, I'd probably either get laughed at or reamed)

and, my wife isn't too new - our 4th anniversary is coming up.

sure, I think your new girlfriend had mentioned October? I feel bad about not being able to make O'Rourke's...

[Redstone]

20. Then drop the family (so to speak). It's your life, and your

decision to make about who you're going to spend it with.

If your family doesn't understand that, then they can just do without your company, yes?

Package deal: They want you, they gotta take we-know-who as well. And I, for the life of me, could not understand why anyone would have the slightest objection to having her around. Anyone who would not like her has a problem, if you want my opinion and you did ask for it.

Redstone

[Pale Blue Dot]

21. I agree 100%

I don't think I'll have to totally drop my family (although I am prepared to do so). They'll come around.

And thanks. We both thank you. :loveya:

[EST]

23. True members of a family

rarely grow up under the same roof.

[autorank]

24. That happened to me years ago...it's wierd.

I moved far away after the divorce. I'd come several thousand miles to visit and they'd surprise me with my ex at dinner. Talk about uncomfortable. It will fade, just let it happen naturally.

At least you didn't marry a psycho who stalked you and harassed your family. That's pretty good isn't it?

[Porcupine]

27. My mother and sisters went to my ex's wedding...

with the a'hole she had been cheating on me with for years. It was instant karma though; the service was 2 1/2 hours and included her playing clarinet (awfull) and a Tai Chi demonstration.

Oh, and the only beverage was beer. In June. I'm a non-drinker.

They said they did it for my kids.

[IdaBriggs]

28. They suck. I refused to go to the (2nd) wedding of one of my husband's

friends with a similar theme, and I'm not even FAMILY. The asshole brought his wife and three kids to a wedding once, sent her and them home, and then had his mistress on his lap at the reception!!! It was such an "in your face" thing making "everyone else" a party to his deception, I almost felt physically ill. I even went so far as to say something to the groom, who explained to me they liked the mistress better than the wife, and had invited her!!! (The four of them had been doing "couple" things together.) Talk about your bad wedding karma -- helping somebody else parade their infidelity! (shudder)

Poetic justice always kicks in, though. Loser Boy finally told his wife about the ongoing affair, and she quickly provided him the divorce he wanted. His kids (of course) hate(d) the new wife, and, predictably, that marriage also recently ended. Stupidity should be painful; I heard she asked a mutual friend if he had ALWAYS been such a loser, with her just being "blinded" by "love" -- DUH!!!

Your family didn't do it for the kids; they did it because they either a) wanted to show you they are completely disloyal scum to you, or b) because they really wanted to be able to "gossip" about the new guy. They should be ashamed, and I hope you rub it in their faces A LOT.

Let me guess: they are also "Republican Christians", right? :eyes:

[Porcupine]

29. Ex's new hubby actually burned his house down in previous

marriage. On Christmas Eve yet. It was totally an act of stupidity, he cleaned the fireplace and put the ashes in a paper bag tight against a vent in the side yard. He was also my ex's "mentor teacher" when she first started teaching. He's 15 years her senior, yuck.

But no, my mom and sisters are not christians. They take a very protective view towards my daughters. My family is very much a matriarchy, the women run everything. I had a chronic illness during the marraige and was unable to work. It turned out it was mold in the house that cleared up as soon as I moved out and quit taking the pills docs were giving me.

I am, of course, terribly bitter right now, both towards my ex and women whose personal ads list "love to travel," "sense of adventure." seeking "financially secure professional." It tends to give one the impression that they are all whores.

[BlueIris]

30. delete

[Porcupine]

31. Sadly, I BELIEVED my marraige vows.

It's a huge mistake in modern times. When I was married women hit on me regularly and I politely declined. Now that I'm divorced I seem to be off limits. It does breed cynicsm.

edit: excessive mysogony

[seaglass]

32. Is it possible that they are over compensating to be sure

that she stays in the family fold? It would be natural in a divorce for your ex to slowly drift away from the family and maybe they are siding with her in order to ensure that doesn't happen.

I think it's admirable that you didn't resort to telling your family the reasons for the divorce.

My guess is that the situation will change over time. Your ex might get an SO, you could talk to her about splitting vacation time with your family, your family will get used to the fact that it's over etc.,

Just give them some time.

[Taverner]

34. Don't call them

This may come across as manipulative but just dont call them. Eventually they'll figure out that treating you in that way may have led up to their dismissal and things will work out.

[LynneSin]

35. for your child you're doing the best thing with being friends

It's uncomfortable now but in a year or so it'll be so much different. You're dating a wonderful girl but the ex-wife is still the mother of your son. It makes sense that your parents invited the ex-wife down because let's face it - they get to have time to spoil their grandson but they still have someone around to do all the parenting stuff

It'll get better!

[I Have A Dream]

36. I wouldn't say that they like her better than you.

I'd say that they like you better with her than without her. However, it's your life -- not theirs. They'll get over it.

I'm glad that you've stayed friends; it will be easier on your child. It's not her fault that they do this unless she somehow does something to encourage this. (I'll assume that she hasn't because you didn't mention it.)

[ronnykmarshall]

37. My mom likes my SO better than me.

If he were stab me, my mom would "Now what did you do to make him so mad?".