The Witch bashing in the Lounge is getting out of hand!

[KitchenWitch]

:evilfrown:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. Now who in hell is bashing my favorite Witch?!

Let me at them!

NOBODY HURTS MY FRIENDS! Argh....

:nuke: :kick: for whoever is troubling my friend...

:loveya: :hug: for my friend, KitchenWitch..

[KitchenWitch]

2. LOL

It was WCGreen, he said witches make the best pudding....:rofl:

[WCGreen]

3. But they do....

[CaliforniaPeggy]

6. Now then, SIR......*taps foot, arms crossed*

How would you like to explain yourself?

*um* especially since I'm not getting the joke...and I do smell one!

As usual....I'm out in left field....weeping....:cry:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

4. HE DID?

Omigod...how could he?

*um* sorry, but I don't get it....as usual....:cry:

[KitchenWitch]

5. Me neither

Did he mean pudding made out of witches, or did he mean pudding made by witches...

I am so confused! x(

[WCGreen]

7. Pudding made by witches

[KitchenWitch]

8. LOL

OIC

:silly:

I thought that is what you meant, but I was not sure...:hi:

[WCGreen]

11. Some of my best friends are witches.....

[CaliforniaPeggy]

12. And just why would pudding made by witches

be good, or better than anyone else's?

Oh well...that's life....

:hi: :shrug:

[WCGreen]

13. Cause they put a little special magic on top....

[KitchenWitch]

16. Well, nothin spells lovin like somethin from the coven!

:bounce:

[WCGreen]

17. I am laughing so hard I started to cough.......

Stop Stop ....

:bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:

:bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:
:bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:
:bounce:

[KitchenWitch]

19. Sorry

did not mean for you to cough!

:hug:

[WCGreen]

20. That is okay..... I am still cracking up.....

[Book Lover]

21. SNORT!

:rofl:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

18. Oh no...here comes the dreaded COOL WHIP!

I knew it..I should have expected this!

You are too funny, my dear WC!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[WCGreen]

22. You were expecting anything less from me....

I need to laugh and play today after all the misery.....

If I don't I will have nightmares

[CaliforniaPeggy]

23. I know full well how much you need to laugh and play, especially

today...

I don't want you having any nightmares, ever...and you know it...

I would move heaven and earth to keep those from you...

I had a feeling that the Cool Whip would be making an appearance here tonight!

:hug: :pals:

[WCGreen]

24. And you were correct.........

The CW comes out at just the right moment

[CaliforniaPeggy]

25. It certainly does, my dear WC...

What would we do without it? Indeed....

Have a tranquil sleep tonight..

And sweet dreams for you as well...

:loveya: :grouphug:

[MissMarple]

15. So that's how you explain yourself. Ah huh.

Trivializing the craft is what I call it. Ah huh. And I'm not even a witch, I don't care for dogma, anyone's dogma. But the witches are special. Yup.

[DarkmoonIkonoklast]

36. BY witches, of course!

What else could any still-living being POSSibly mean? ;-) I mean, most of my closest sibs are witches and they are the absolute BEST cooks!
:evilgrin: After all, who appreciates and cherishes Food, in all its forms, more than one of Mother's Children?

Indeed, one of them makes a Tapicoa that's positively indescribable... I don't for a moment doubt that it could drive a priest to... uh, wait a minute. I was about to say "... drive a priest to break his vows.", but I guess that's not the high reccommendation it was once deemed to be. :evilgrin:

KW, I'd bet my other athame you're a mean hand in the kitchen!

[lildreamer316]

9. exsqueeze me?

(loading up the broom)don't make me get wicca on their ass!!!!

[In_The_Wind]

10. I DECREE ! ! ! NO WITCH BASHING ALLOWED ! ! !

[NMMNG]

14. Aint nobody better be messing with my KitchenWitch

Or heads are gonna roll!

[In_The_Wind]

38. I second that!

[FuzzySlippers]

26. Burn them!!!

[KitchenWitch]

27. ...

:wow:

[FuzzySlippers]

28. Just joking.

:hi:

[KitchenWitch]

29. I figured

I just could not believe that someone actually even formed the idea for that cartoon...

:shrug:

[lildreamer316]

30. Pagan Humor

You may be a TechnoPagan if...

If your athame has a SCSI interface...
If your OBE's begin with a netsplit...
If your priest robes conceal a pocket protector...
If you calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '95...
If your altar has a keyboard...
If drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test)...
If you call the Watch Towers on your cell-tell...
If you do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with Blessed Be...
If you don't call it a ritual, you call it a Macro...
If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del...
If you have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun...
If you invite the God and Goddess to come online...
If you keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups)...
If you participate in online rituals more than you do FTF...
If you refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming...
If your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group...
If your candles have batteries...
If your cauldron is a crock-pot...
If your deities include Murphy and Gates...
If your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded)...
If your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight)...
If your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV nearby...
If your incense is by Glade...
If your magic wand is a light pen...
If your magical name, email address, and online name are all the same...
If your magical writing is done in binary code or C++...
If your pentacle is made of computer chips...
If your technician compains about the wax and incense ash on your motherboard...
If, instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what operating system they run...
If your Yule ritual involves defragmentation...
If your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area...
If your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number...
If you refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR)...
If you do cord magick with ethernet...
If you ritually down your server for Samhain...
If your altar cloth is a mouse pad...
If, when your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in...
If erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks...
If casteing the circle changes an (int) to a (float)...
If your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over...
If your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group...
If passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command...
If your search for truth involves regular expressions...
If your familiar is a computer mouse...
If you draw down the moon using a light-pen...
If your cone of power has a surge suppressor...
If your tarot cards multi-task...
If your daemons collect news for you...
If your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control...
If you refer to solitary practice as a stand alone...
If you tap into the collective unconscious using Netscape...
If your favorite deity has a homepage...
If the address of your covenstead begins with http://...
and finally, if your circle is a token ring...
Well, you just might be a TechnoPagan!

[KitchenWitch]

31. I have seen that before

It is still funny!

:rofl:

[lildreamer316]

32. More Pagan Humor

Bill Gates's Book On Wicca

1. The book would be called Windows to the Goddess.
2. Iconology was be a major chapter.
3. A revised edition would be released approximately every 6 months without which your magic would no longer work.
4. Your broom would crash at least once a week.
5. Cauldrons would be called recycle bins.
6. A book of shadows would be called the folder of magic.
7. A free high speed connection spell would come with every book.
8. Ever now and then, your circle would collapse and you would have to perform the reboot ritual to get it working.
9. If you used the more powerful MagicNT rituals, the above would happen to all circles within a 5 mile radius.
10. At least once a month, you would have to reinstall your spells into your folder of magic.
11. You would have to use a start ritual to exit your circle. (And cake and wine would only be available after a sign from the Goddess saying it was safe to do so.)


The Charge of the Beeotch


Listen to the words of the Great Beeotch she who of old is known as Arwen, Inanna, Jaz, Kriselda, Lynna, Raven, Suzi, and Wolfrose, and by many other names, some best left censored:

Whenever you have need of anything once in the month, and better it be when it is not my moontime or any other time when I might be tired or already irritable, then shall you gather and adore me, who am Queen of all Bitches. There shall you gather, you who desire to learn the true Art of Bitchcraft, yet have not honed it to razor sharp precision; to these I will teach the esoterism of true bitchiness. And you shall be free from fluff; and as a sign that you are truly free, you shall cite tradition, correct misconception, bad grammar, spelling errors, and demand proper capitalization, and punctuation. For I am educated and can read above third grade level. Keep pure your highest ideal; strive ever towards it and if anyone tries to stop you, smack them hard upside the head. For mine is the determination to succeed and educate the ignorant.

I am the Queen Mother Bitch, Who can give the Gift of Joy unto the heart of man or woman if you have not seriously ticked me off. On Earth, I give the Knowledge that to communicate effectively and honestly is no crime; and beyond death, I give peace from the fools who have annoyed you and freedom from those fools and reunion with other great Bitches who have gone before you. And actually, I do demand sacrifice, for behold; Putting up with these twits wears on my nerves. I am the Bitch of All Living and My Ire is poured out upon the Earth when I am grumpy.

Hear ye the Words of the Star Goddess: She under Whose Feet all stupid people are Dust, Whose Body encircleth the Universe especially when She is bloated.

I, Who am the Bitch Queen of the Earth and the Black Mood amongst the Stars, and the Mystery of why idiots are not drowned in my Waters, and the Desire of the heart of man to avoid Me when I get like this. I call unto thy soul, all ye who would be Bitches: "Arise! And come unto Me!"

For I am the Soul of the Bitch, Who giveth Crap back to the Universe: from Me all things proceed, and unto Me all things must return and if they don't get here fast enough, I may hurt something. And before My Face, which is bitchy and known to all gods and men, thine innermost Bitch Self shall be enfolded in the Rapture of the Infinite Bitch.

Let My Worship be within the heart that tolerates no shit, for behold: all acts of bitchiness and honesty are my rituals. And therefore let there be bitching and strength, honesty and compassion, honor and humor, mirth and reverence within you.

And thou who thinkest to seek for Me, know thy seeking and yearning shall avail thee not, unless thou knowest the Mystery: that if thou are stupid who seekest Me, then thou shalt never find Me.

For behold, I have been with thee from the beginning; and I am That which is attained at the end of PMS.

[KitchenWitch]

33. rofl

those are funny too!

[lildreamer316]

34. One more and I promise I'll quit.(this one is the best)

Circle Etiquette:

Never summon Anything you can't banish.

Never put asafoetida on the rocks in the sweat lodge.

Do not attempt to walk more than 10 paces while wearing all of your ritual jewelry, dream bags and crystals at the same time.

When proposing to initiate someone, do not mention the Great Rite, leer, and say, "Hey, your trad or mine?"

Never laugh at someone who is skyclad. They can see you, too.

Never, ever set the Witch on fire.

Looking at nifty pictures is not a valid path to mastering the ancient grimoires. Please read thoroughly and carefully from beginning to end so that your madness and gibberings will at least make some sense.

A good grasp of ritual and ritual techniques are essential! In the event of a random impaling, or other accidental death amongst the participants, (see next rule) a quick thinker can improvise to ensure successful completion of the Rite. Make them another sacrifice, Demons like those.

Watch where you wave the sharp pointy items.

Avoid walking through disembodied spirits.

Carry an all purpose translators dictionary in case the ritual leader begins talking in some strange and unknown language.

Avoid joining your life force to anything with glowing red eyes.

If asked to sign a contract or pact and you are experiencing doubts or reservations, sign your neighbors name. Malevolent entities rarely ask for photo ID.

Blood is thicker than water. Soak ritual garments an extra 30-45 minutes.

While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing, slurring the names of Deities is generally considered bad form

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SPELL CHECKER AND A SPELLING CHECKER

Having been in the Pagan scene for many years, but being new to computers, I was fascinated when I saw a program that was called a "Spell Checker". My naive mind had visions of a program that would check the contents of the spells that I typed up. I imagined that it might make suggestions such as, "You've forgotten to specify the type of incense to be used", or..."You are supposed to use a green candle for money spells, not red!" I soon found, however, that it only checked the spelling of the words, not the wording of the spells.
I discovered this difference during the course of updating my (computerized) Book of Shadows. I had typed up an ancient spell called "The Wicca Charm", and to my horror, when I pressed the Spell Checker option, the computer altered the wording significantly. Those of you who know more about computers than myself (which is probably everyone except the natives of the Upper Amazon) would undoubtably know that when a Spell Checker finds a word that is unfamiliar, it assumes that a typing error has been made, and it substitutes a word that it thinks may have been intended. I however, did not understand this basic premise.
And since Pagans tend to have a language that is littered with words that other people do not normally use, the results from using a Spell Checker can be hilarious, as was the case with the computer's versions of "The Wicca Charm".
The original spell is shown immediately below, and following that is the revised version that resulted from using the Spell Checker program.

The Wicca Charm

Wicca followers heed the call
of Lammas to Imbolg,
dancing deosil, never widdershins
as we worship ye old religion.

From the grimoire's magic true,
we find that we now have the runes;
& the sigils that will bring power
to our Sabbat's witching hour.

With a pentacle in hand,
await the Goddess's command,
then cast your circle with athame
and with a censer burning vervain.

Throw your talisman into the fire,
and to you comes what you desire.
Then jump astride a besom firm
and ride until the talisman burns.

The computer-revised version is:

The Knicker Charm

Knicker followers heed the call
lamingtons to imbibe,
dancing docile, never widdling
we worship a yelled religion.

From the grim one's magic true,
we find that we now have the runs;
& the sickness that will bring power
to our sad bat's twitching hour.

With a testicle in hand,
await the Goddess's command
then cast your circle with shame
and with a sense of burning vermin.

Throw your tallest man into the fire,
and to you comes what you desire.
Then jump astride a bosom firm
and ride until the tallest man burns.

[KitchenWitch]

35. OMG

Tears are coming out of my eyes, I am laughing so hard...

:rofl:

[DarkmoonIkonoklast]

37. "The Knicker Charm"... Holy Screaming Hawkshit!!!

That sounds like something MS Word would do, all right! :rofl:

Before I moved out here, back in the Dark Ages (the early 70s) when I still lived in Albuquerque, I knew a Techno-Witch In Training who tried to create a BOS (actually, it was a Tape Of Shadows!) on her office computer (it was a mainframe, one of those room-sized beasts with magnetic tape drives a stereophile would have gladly killed for). Someone in her office had devised a rudimentary Spelling Checker Program, and my friend used it on her T.O.S... with hilarious results!

Fortunately, she knew better than to use the resultant, revised spell: I think it invoked Crinoline! :rofl: