a breakdown, days of stress and tears, why the fuck?

[expatriot]

Why the fuck do I care just to get kicked in the heart and the head?

Sometimes I wonder how I learned to dare, to feel...

no matter how many times I am faced with the cruelty and lack of compassion of people and no matter how many times I get so torn up and rage against this reality I never fucking learn i bounce back like a rubber-band man with my fucking silly youthful ideals (I am nearly 30, i want to purge the starry-eyed boy from me!)

sometimes i get so pissed at whoever taught me that people are generally good. why do they fucking lie to you when you are a kid, whitewashing everything.

sometimes I wish I were a conservative so my heart would be cold stone instead of bleeding so much. sometimes i wish i could just be normal and lock myself up in my own life and my own entertainments and not care so fucking much. I wish I were a conservative so i would be free of this stupid-ass torturous compassion! FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!! Why do they lie to us? Why do they let us build these lies in our head that people care? when i go to work and i go outside these last few days.... i don't understand how people can go on, living their lives as if nothing is going on!!!!! I am so torn up right now, I am so fucking mad-crazy I feel like raging... against myself or something else. I am with the mob, I am with the dispossessed.

[omega minimo]

1. It feels like that. You'll work it out.

It's partly the 30's.

You'll find that the challenge of compassion doesn't go away. It is the journey.

It's worth it. You get to be the change you want to see in the world.

B-)

[expatriot]

3. thank you, i do feel better now. i needed that release. nt.

nt

[madeline_con]

2. "... living their lives as if nothing is going on!!!!! "

Millions of people are just as torn up as you are. They have to go to work and school and carry on like we all do. Don't assume they don't care because they aren't screaming in the streets. They're screaming in their heads. It's always there, a cry of rage and despair that we all live with.

It never leaves us, but is temporarily forgotten in moments of joy with family and friends in spite of the madness around us. We carry on because it's what we must do.

Never take one minute or person in your life for granted. It can all be gone tomorrow. Hold on, cherish each other and carry on.

You are nearly 30? You don't outgrow feelings like the ones you're having. You simply learn to channel them into something that helps add to the overall good of mankind as you age. :)

[uppityperson]

4. Can be difficult to be a decent caring loving humane being

Pain is a normal part of things, disappointment, loss of trust. Remember that there are more of us than them, but they are louder. Use your anger for positive things. Don't just get mad and strike out but channel it for positive stuff. And keep checking in with those of us who are good people.

[MissMarple]

5. Oh, honey.

:hug:

Many people do care, but they don't know how, or are afraid to show it. And then there are the jerks. It's just people. Like some family members, you can't live with them, you can't get rid of them.

A church might help, the United Churches of Christ, the Unitarians, hey, even the Quakers or the neo pagans. I'm a deist, but I do know that being able to connect with the deity in some way is quite helpful. I needed that help myself once. I'll probably need it again. We all do. It helps us gain a perspective, to give us the long view.

Blessed be, sweetheart. :)