advise for a friend.

[R. A. Fuqua]

I have a female friend who may be getting herself into a sticky romantic situation. I usually do not get involved in this type of thing, however she is begging me to give her advise (which I am reluctant to do--but I am mulling her situation over--because I would like to help).

Her situation is that there is a married man who she has been friends with socially for 4 years. She is an avid cycler--and he is a member of her bike club.

The two of them hit it off from their first meeting--although she was ALWAYS aware that he was married--and there has NEVER been anything inappropriate between them (as another club member, I can vouch for that--it is just a good friendship).

Around 6 months ago, this man started complaining about his marriage--he claims that his wife is verbally abusive to him and that he suspects she may be cheating on him. It seems as though his marriage is slowly dying and that he will probably be divorced in another 6 months to a year. Where this gets complicated, is that he is making it plain to my friend that he is interested in her. She is extremely attracted to him--they have a lot in common and to tell you the truth--I honestly think that they would be great together. They know each other quite well--and they are a good fit. And I also believe that both of these people do genuinely care about each other and they have good hearts.

However--the timing is BAD. She has begged him to try to fix his marriage--and has told him that she will only date him if he cannot save his marriage and is officially divorced. But--I don't know if she should date him even at that point (it seems he may need some time to heal--and if she is a "rebound" relationship--I worry that she may get hurt).

Do people have any thoughts--or experiences that they can share? I hate to see either of these people hurt--they are both extremely great people. Do "rebound" relationships right after a divorce ever work?

[ScreamingMeemie]

1. I think they could be friends first....at the point the divorce is final,

then they could explore, keeping in mind that it may cause a whole world of hurt for the other people involved. Children and the like.

[R. A. Fuqua]

2. Yes--the children are a big concern.

between them they have 5 children!

Two are on their own and 3 are still at home.

Ages: 11, 14 and 18.

She is very worried, because the two younger ones are already "troubled".

She is also worried that if they start dating right away, that people will think that his marriage broke up because of her--which is not the case at all.

[ScreamingMeemie]

3. For the sake of the children I would caution her to go very slowly...

even after the divorce. Especially if his children have seen her around in the friend capacity. :hi: good luck to her!

[R. A. Fuqua]

6. Thanks!

I will hope that it goes well for both of them--they both deserve happiness.

They probably would be great together, I can tell that he loves making her happy (he is always doing sweet things for her) and that she is very happy when they are around each other (just as friends though--they have been very careful to keep it non-romantic).

It will be hard for them to wait--but it may make a difference between having a relationship that will last versus one that is more likely to fail (due to extra pressures).

[mzteris]

4. find a new riding club

distance herself - a LOT -from this guy until he has been divorced - repeat DIVORCED - not just "separated" - for a year.

She will be blamed if they're seen anywhere together before then.

Sure, it's a long time, but the alternatives of bitterness and sorrow and accusations and recrminations are too much for the adults to deal with, much less the kids.

[R. A. Fuqua]

5. that is kind of what I think too---

they really have to wait a while.

They have lots of mutual friends both from their work and leisure activities (they are both engineers so their work paths cross too).

I am going to tell her that she has to be strong--and get romantically involved for until he has been DIVORCED for a while.

the separation has already happened (recently)--and he has already asked my friend out--she said "NO--not until you are divorced"--but I know that they both want to be together so it is hard. And at this point, he really should be still trying to work it out with his WIFE. I don't mean to seem prudish--it is just that this is his last chance to work things out with that relationship--then he needs to heal and get his head together---THEN he can start trying to build a new relationship.

But--it will be hard to convince them to wait that long....

[IdaBriggs]

7. Stay away from him. He's married, and then he will be divorced.

He will need time to mourn the end of his relationship, and she will be "taking care of him" instead of being in a relationship with someone who can bring an EQUAL amount of time and energy to the relationship.

For at least one year after a marriage ends, its "walking wounded" -- and if he has children (and even if he doesn't), she *WILL* be blamed because he had begun "scouting around for something better" instead of paying attention to HIS marriage.

He is already emotionally cheating on his wife, and even if they do hook up, she will NOT be able to count on him when the going gets tough.

Will she listen? Probably not. Being a female friend with a married man who is whining about the tragedy of how his wife is mean to him is dumb; he has a best friend already -- HIS WIFE. She is already inappropriately involved, and the only thing an honorable person can do at this point is CUT HIM OFF.

I doubt she'll do that. She is obviously "flattered" by the attention she is getting, plus she feels sorry for him -- she needs to get involved with her own life instead of his!

[never cry wolf]

13. I appreciate your opinion, Ida, but disagree

Every situation is different, every human is an individual and every relationship is unique. I am much like the "him" in this scenario, as far as I can tell. My marriage is over and has been for over a decade, yet I have maintained the facade for the sake of my kids. They are now young adults and the time is soon when I will feel comfortable divorcing. Comfortable ONLY in the sense that the kids will be mature enough to handle it. Personally, I will not be a "walking wounded" because that is what I am at present. I have a best friend and it most certainly is not my wife. She happens to be female and she knows that she can count on me through thick and thin. Hell, I have stayed in an untenable situation for 20 years, been faithful, soley for tha sake of the kids.

My buddy is my soul buddy and she too, has stuck in her failed marriage for her kids who are also now young adults. She was my high school (+) flame and in almost every way we are extremely compatible. We even both married poorly. I had lost contact with here for 22 years and she is NOT the cause of my marriage woes, we came upon our misery independently. Rather, she may be the light at the end of my tunnel, and I hers. Both our marriages were long gone before we reconnected. Since then we have both been amazed at the incredible connection we do have. Some people find their soulmates later in life but most never do. I thank the starts that at least I have identified mine and at minimum we will be best friends the rest of out lives.

[skygazer]

8. Not a good situation

First, he's married. Is his marriage really in major trouble or is it magnified by him because he's interested in your friend? I don't know and he probably doesn't either. But that's not good.

Second, is he interested in her because she is NOT his wife and is sympathetic to his issues and seems to have more in common with him than his wife or is he interested in HER? Once again, I don't know and he probably doesn't either.

That's the thing with rebound relationships - there's always so much crap left over from the relationship just ended and it inevitably spills over into the new one. Sometimes I suppose it can work. But I think it's a lot healthier to step away from this and not allow it to get any deeper. ESPECIALLY with kids involved - his kids are not going to be happy if he leaps into another relationship immediately upon dumping their mother and your friend will pay for that - it's easier and less intimidating to resent the new, unwelcome person than the actual parent.

Will she listen to sound advice? Probably not. :(

[Tallison]

9. Jumping nest to nest?

Sounds like it's the availability of teet to which this guy is attached, not necessarily the women to whom it belongs. He'd benefit from a good weaning.

Also, I don't believe in the existence of the emotionally available paramour.

[R. A. Fuqua]

10. these recent comments really make a lot of sense to me---

I only know him from the Bike Club--but he is very much the type of man that I do not care for--he seems to "play head games" especially with women--and I personally would not want my sisters to go out with him.

However, on the other hand, this man has a rough background which he has overcome, although he has many things about him that annoy me--he does behave like a completely different person with this woman--and I do believe that he is crazy about her--and that he is really trying to do things right.

I think that ideally she should stay away from him, but I don't think that is very likely. Hopefully she will be willing to at least be careful--and not have anything to do with him until he is divorced--and then insist that they wait for a period of time before they do any dating. That will at least give both of them time to evaluate their feelings and see how "real" this is for them.

BTW--how long do people typically stay in the "separated" phase before they get divorced? I have never been married--I am just curious. I know he is trying a separation at the advice of a therapist--so I figured there may be some standard rules to it?

[ContraBass Black]

11. I stopped at the words "married man."

She should have too.

[Crazy Guggenheim]

12. Take this from a guy. Tell her "Don't do it!" Let me repeat this

again. Don't do it!