Relationship question

[Doctor_J]

DU is always helpful on this front, with lots of expereinces and opinions to choose from.

Have you ever been in a long-term relationship, and suddenly found yourself having a major crush on a third party? Was the first one worn out before the crush, or were you completely blind-sided? If the object of your crush were to suddenly disappear from consideration for one reason or another, would the original relationship get better, or is the crush a symptom of underlying pathology of the original? IOW, could it just be that you've found "one other possible true love" in addition to the one you're with? Can you "work though" the crush and go back to wkring on the original relationship? Does this type of thing happen frequently do your think? With the marriage success rate dipping under 50%, something's going on.

[progmom]

1. very good question.

I don't have much to add.

I have crushes. But I made a commitment to progdad, so I focus my energies on that relationship. I don't think the crushes indicate any underlying problems with my marriage. I think we're all sexual beings and to think that that side of us gets switched off when we're married is ludicrous. :shrug:

[Shell Beau]

2. I agree with you. Crushes

are one thing. They are harmless. They can get to a harmful point, but only if you allow it to. I think it is very natural for people to have crushes. But it has to be understood (by you) that is all it is. I am a big flirt, but my husband knows that is my personality. He knows that he is the only guy I want and he's okay with it as long as it is innocent. But there is always a line and you have to be careful not to cross it.

[supernova]

3. From my POV, there will always be any number of attractive people

rather than just "the one."

When I was married I saw several people that, given other circumstances, I would have been delighted to pursue a relationship with. It made my life really fun to realize that. And I simply enjoyed the innocence of the crush while maintaining my loyalty to my husband.

I don't think it's a bad thing when you say you have a crush on a friend or acquaintance, if your partner is really certain you aren't going anywhere. It's just noticing that you have some wonderful people in your life.

[redqueen]

4. I've never had a real crush while I've been serious with anyone.

The only time I get crushes is when something's wrong in the relationship.

[liberalitch]

11. That's what I was gonna say....

I am one of those people who loves being in love

[SarahB]

13. Same here.

There's a difference between a brief, "Wow, that person's hot!" and all overwhelming, "I want this person more than the person I'm committed to."

Having been in similar shoes and having been tempted on several occasions while unhappily married, I seriously stepped back and began to take a loooonnnnngggg look at my marriage, got counseling, and ultimately decided the being alone was better than being married to him anymore. Once I became content with being alone for awhile, it was only then I was able to have a decent relationship. I'm glad my crushes never worked out or were consummated. It would have been a disaster. :crazy:

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

5. It happens, I wouldn't pay *too* much attention to it.

Unless you find yourself not wanting to be with your current significant other and instead only wanting to be with the crush. Then something's gotta give and you should immediately break up with your current SO.

If it's not at that point already, I think the honorable thing to do would be to cease and desist all activities with the crush.

Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES WHATSOEVER is cheating an appropriate route. NONE. If you want to do something with someone else, have some backbone and do the right thing first. You have NO idea what kind of damage cheating can do to the other person.

[ContraBass Black]

6. My interest is strictly one woman at a time.

I don't get into anything I won't be completely committed to. This nullifies all of those questions for me.

[KitchenWitch]

7. I have had that happen

I think it is human nature...I sometimes still wonder what happened to the crush...Thing is, the crush also had a crush on me, and was also in a LTR...which made things interesting to say the least.

My crush and I were in a situation where we had to work together...and there were times when either one or the other would have to get downright icy toward the other, to keep things from getting out of hand.

[Doctor_J]

9. So you actually dealt with, on some level,

and came out the other side unharmed. Interesting. I bet that's rare.

[KitchenWitch]

10. It took some mighty strong self-control

for both of us...but we survived and the relationships we were in survived.

[Doctor_J]

12. How did it affect your main relationship, while in progress?

Did you hash it out with your SO? Was there any effect on your love life with him? Your friendship with him? Did you ever separate, even briefly?

Did you & the crush ever acknowledge it aloud? During or after? Or was it just sort of there, unspoken but present? If you never brought it up, what do you think doing so would have done to it? To your main relationship?

[KitchenWitch]

15. ...

The crush and I never outwardly acknowleged it...I think if we had, things would have turned out different than they had. We both knew it was present, and it was very intense between us at times. He was a difficult person for me to be just friends with. We are no longer working together, and I have lost touch with him.

The long term relationship I was in when I had this crush has long since been ended, due to other issues. At the time, I did not tell him about the crush, since nothing really happened, and I did not feel that the pain that "coming clean" would have caused was outweighed by the "cleansing" effect that telling him would have had. The crush was unspoken but present for me, I am not sure if my SO at the time had any idea...he was a very oblivious guy (the type one has to hit over the head with a frying pan to get a point across).

The way in which the long term relationship ended tanked any chance of a friendship between the two of us.

[kwassa]

8. It is only chemistry, which can be both positive and negative

I think there are a variety of people that we have it with, we both know it when we feel it, but it can't and shouldn't always be acted upon. Often it is because one of the two parties is unavailable as they are in another romantic commitment. Other times it is a type of attraction that is not healthy for us, repeating a little relationship pathology from the past.

I have acted on it in the past, and forever regretted it, as it destroyed what had been at that point the best romantic relationship in my life. It took me years to get over it.

I still encounter it from time to time, acknowledge it, and stay in the great relationship I am committed to now.

[tjdee]

14. I was the third party--they're now married.

So obviously in his case he could work through it. He was blindsided by his feelings for me, and my leaving the picture probably saved their relationship. When I was gone it was a lot easier to focus on what was in front of him, and the relationship he had already going.

I'd like to believe it's eating him alive right now, or one day in the future, but if not I'm good with that.