Halliburton gets contract for gold from corpses' teeth

[GarySeven]

From Theonion.com

Halliburton Gets Contract To Pry Gold Fillings From New Orleans Corpses' Teeth

September 14, 2005 | Issue 41•37

HOUSTON—On Tuesday, Halliburton received a $110 million no-bid government contract to pry the gold fillings from the mouths of deceased disaster victims in the New Orleans-Gulf Coast area. "We are proud to serve the government in this time of crisis by recovering valuable resources from the wreckage of this deadly storm," said David J. Lesar, Halliburton's president. "The gold we recover from the human rubble of Katrina can be used to make fighter-jet electronics, supercomputer chips, inflation-proof A-grade investments, and luxury yachting watches."

[johncoby2]

1. That is sick.....but pretty damn funny........

LOL.

[me b zola]

9. No, really. Pray tell me how this is in the least bit funny?

It fucking reminds me of Schindler's list.


If I have missed a joke, please let me know. Otherwise I am fucking disgusted :puke:




on edit, I now see that is from the onion, and it supposed to make us think of Schindler's list.

OK, I have a twisted sense of humor, but this one is too close to the mark to make even me laugh. :evilfrown:

[Sabriel]

10. Humor explained

http://www.humormatters.com/definition.htm


Absurdity, Ridiculousness and Ludicrousness

A stimulus that results in some absurd, ridiculous, or ludicrous perception may be experienced as humorous. Simple exaggeration can be a particularly effective humorous stimulus.

Emotional Chaos Remembered in Tranquility

While a stimulus that presents incongruity, surprise, or startle may be perceived as humorous, James Thurber proposed that, “Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.” We have all heard the expression--“It wasn’t funny at the time!” Humor may be experienced when the chaos of the past is viewed at a peaceful moment in the future. Survivor groups (e.g., cancer survivors) are filled with humor about the process of recovery. While humor does not reduce the seriousness of an illness or traumatic event, it certainly lightens the load of coping with the trauma and aids in the healing process by offering perspective and assisting the client on the path toward recovery.

Summary

While one’s “sense of humor” is highly idiosyncratic and individualized, it is based on one’s awareness and perception of a stimulus that is presented in the context of one or more of the universal traits. The universal qualities of the stimulus-receiver interaction increase the probability of a specific event being perceived as humorous. These include the presentation and perception of incongruity, absurdity, surprise, expected replaced with unexpected, non-threatening startle, getting it, and finally, chaos remembered in tranquility.
Once a stimulus is perceived as humorous, it will trigger a reaction within the individual. This reaction may be physiological (laughter), cognitive (wit), or emotional (mirth), or a combination of these experiences. Therefore, the total sensation of a humorous event is a complex interaction of a stimulus, an individual’s perception, and the resulting reaction.

[hlthe2b]

17. well, I for one have cried so much, been angry so often....

outraged constantly, followed by long periods of depressive soul-searching.

So, perhaps some "gallows" humor is appropriate about now. This piece by the onion is meant more to be satiric--biting polemic I think.

[ignatius 2]

22. Every emotion you described is me to a T. I was so angry today I was

starting to annoy myself. A repuke I work with said I seemed down and I went into an absolute tirade about the Chimp eating birthday cake,playing a guitar and fund raising while dead bodies were floating in NO. I went on to say how could the POTUS go on Good Morning America and say nobody thought the levees would break when it was from FEMA one of the top 3 most likely disasters to hit and I told her that FEMA had run exercises in NO last year to prepare for said flood.

I then asked her how can she have such low expectations of her president and why would she put up with such incompetence, after all, shouldn't the president be aware of the 3 most likely disasters to hit our country? Of course 2 of the 3 have already happened and he was supposesdly clueless about them both.

She was stunned,stammered something or other and went to the bathroom.

I have never,ever been so angry,sad,disgusted and dog tired all at once. I hope I am not having a menal breakdown.

[GarySeven]

2. Yes, it IS sick

... but I bet some winger is reading it and saying "Hmmmmm"

[BlueIris]

20. You know, I'm still wary of people with >1000 posts, but...

I think you're one of us. Good call.

[fighttheevilempire]

23. Just because we are new here...

doesnt mean we are against you. I have been against GWB since before I could vote. By less than a week. And it nearly killed me,luckily PA is a liberal state. I just havent discovered DU until recently. I hope Cindy rips his pResidency a new one. Sept. 24th cant coem fast enough.

[Patiod]

26. PA is only liberal at either end -- to drag out an old quote

"Pennsylvania is Pittsburgh and Philadelphia with Alabama in between." - James Carville

[ignatius 2]

24. I have been here since 2001, got a new computer last year and lost

my logon so just started all over. I don't post as often as others, but I have been around as have many of the other low post numbers much longer than you.

High post counts don't mean a helluva lot, one can run over to the lounge and run up a hundred a day if so bored or inclined.

[longship]

3. Luxury Yachting Watches!!!

I can't wait to get mine.

[Beware the Beast Man]

4. Sometimes, Onion ariticles can be more cutting than funny.

This is one of them. :thumbsup:

I'm nominating it.

[Fridays Child]

5. In all seriousness, that contract went to Bush crony...

Robert Waltrip's scandal-ridden Service Corporation International.

http://rawstory.com/news/2005/FEMA_outsources_Katrina_body_count_to_firm_implicated_in_bodydumping_scan_0913.html

[Canuckistanian]

6. It's was the "Corpse-Pry" project.

The investors didn't like the scheme (one vomited in the office of Andy Lane, Halliburton's COO), but they went ahead with the financing anyways.

[GarySeven]

7. What's a little nausea ...

... when there's a profit to be made?

[BrklynLiberal]

8. Isn't it an interestng commentary that we could believe it is possible..

Shows how Bush and Halliburton have created an impression that would make this kind of thing appear possible to us.

[GarySeven]

11. It's not an impression ...

... it IS possible. And damned likely.

[texanwitch]

21. There was a funeral home that was doing this along with other horrible

things. I have a book about this somewhere in the house, I have never looked at funeral homes again the same after reading that book.

[Nothing Without Hope]

12. Here's the link. And look at their article about ROBERTS!!!

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/40525

Bush Nominates First-Trimester Fetus To Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, DC—In a press conference Monday, President Bush named a 72-day-old gestating fetus as his nominee to fill the Supreme Court seat that opened following the death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist.

"Already, this experienced...

(snip)

The "gestating fetus" piece is currently on the front page here:
http://www.theonion.com/content/index

The permalink of the "fetus" story appears to be this:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/40512
but for some reason, that page won't open on my computer.

[FreedomAngel82]

13. Is this true??

[Sabriel]

14. Not yet. But maybe someday soon. n/t

[Pacifist Patriot]

28. The Onion is satire.

Damn good satire typically because it comes darned close to what could easily become the truth.

[Nothing Without Hope]

15. It's the most biting, awful kind of ironic humor to make a point, not

primarily to be funny as in "ha-ha."

As for those poor dead New Orleans people - and they are CONTINUING to die - they were certainly too poor for enough gold in their teeth to make it worthwhile to high-rollers like Halliburton.

[hlthe2b]

16. Damn, it didn't even occur to me that this wasn't real!

I put nothing past these crooked bastards!

[Gregorian]

18. You have got to be kidding!

Crap! After the long diatribe I wrote, I realized that I didn't recognize the Onion.

Shit. Good night. I'm happy it's a joke. Phew.

But you had me. I actually believed it.

[Usrename]

19. I don't know why the MSM doesn't pick this up.

Oh yeah, they only do made up stories from the White House. I forgot.

[Pacifist Patriot]

29. After all proper sourcing is the hallmark of good journalism.

You want your lies straight from the jackasses' mouths.

[Nothing Without Hope]

25. Don't miss another ONION article in the same issue on the Fetus nominated

as Supreme Court justice by Bush!:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x2091186
thread title: The ONION points out John Roberts' utter inexperience in fine style:

[jmowreader]

27. And when you consider Bush's family history...

it's obvious that a contract like this would be issued.

What do you think--maybe ten people in NOLA had the money for gold fillings but not for a way to get the hell out of Katrina's path? This means each victim costs the taxpayer $11 million.

This is why I don't believe the story (other than it's from The Onion): Halliburton doesn't give you the time of day for eleven million dollars. Tell 'em to go back and patch the piece to read $500 million. That's believable.

[Pacifist Patriot]

30. I love the Onion and mourn Satirewire.com.

Sometimes nothing speaks the truth louder than biting satire.

[Nothing Without Hope]

31. see also the Onion article on Bush nominating a FETUS for Suprieme Court

Justice - it is not to be missed and includes even a "quote" from Alan Dershowitz:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=132x2091186
thread title: The ONION points out John Roberts' utter inexperience in fine style:

[Nothing Without Hope]

32. Here's the permalink of the little but perfect Onion piece on Halliburton

getting gold from corpses' teeth:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/40525