Can I share something?

[Writer]

I'm married to a great guy. He's always been there for me - my rock. But he has a tender heart.

Recently I've noticed a pattern. When I start feeling down, he comes to my aid, but not much longer after that, he starts feeling down himself. It's difficult, then. I'm still feeling down, but I then have to negotiate with myself as how I should tend to his needs. Yet I still need a bit of nurturing as well.

I can't help but feel a little embittered or impatient with him during these moments. In a way, I feel a little trumped - that now my feelings matter less and his feelings take precedence. I almost feel like my chain is being jerked a bit.

I don't even know what to ask in a forum like this. I suppose I just wanted to share. Perhaps someone can share some insight?

[TK421]

1. When you tend to HIS needs, doesn't that get your mind off of whats

bringing you down? Seems like it could help you in the long run

[Writer]

2. Well... not really.

It just sort of puts it on the backburner for a while. I guess it could help me to forget, but... only temporarily.

[astonamous]

3. That's why women have girlfriends...

Only women can understand what you just posted. Men would say something to the effect of, tending to his needs will take your mind off of what was bringing you down.

All kidding aside. It sounds like your are a natural rescuer. You have all the good qualities to see when someone else is in pain and naturally want to help or fix it. Your husbands sounds a bit like that too, but men have a tendency to be more needy sometimes. I would talk to him about what you just posted. If he is as sensitive to your pain he will understand and you can work on it together.

I am not a qualified counselor.

Trudy

[Writer]

7. I appreciate that. Thank you.

It works like this: I feel bad. He tends to me. He feels bad when I'm still hurting and stops tending to me. I must then cast aside my hurt and attend to him. You know, like women tend to do.

In other words: "Your turn's over. Now it's my turn to feel bad."

[Writer]

9. Just as an aside...

Men can be VERY needy :mad:

[RandomKoolzip]

11. dupe

delete. replied to wrong post

[RandomKoolzip]

4. In the interest of equanimity, you need to reciprocate without

reservation. Swallow your pride and understand that guys need as much love and support as they give, even if it comes at an inconvenient time for you.

[enigmatic]

6. Absolutely

Love is all about being there for the other person; no questions asked.

[Writer]

8. Very true. I do wish, though, that we could simply feel bad together.

With my not having completely to cast aside my needs to attend to him. How about we support one another - then go out for coffee or something? Maybe that's what I should suggest.

[RandomKoolzip]

10. I wish I was a unicorn. It ain't gonna happen, though.

You DO realize that your statement, "I do wish, though, that we could simply feel bad together...with my not having completely to cast aside my needs to attend to him." is hypocritical, since that's what he's doing in order to attend to you? It's not as if he can go ride a bike or watch the game or catch butterflies when you're feeling down; his attention is placed squarely on YOU when you're the one down in the dumps...why do you resent him for asking the same of you?

Not trying to flame, just asking if you realize how unrealistic it seems to ask that someone be striking only one emotional chord continually while in the midst of a relationship; you want him to be your "rock" and only a "rock." That's unfair. That's a lot to ask of someone!

[Writer]

12. Feeling bad together means just that - feeling bad together.

Yes I have been feeling that there have been moments that I need to cast aside my needs to attend to him. Normally he's fairly sturdy - that is, until I start feeling bad. Then my needs become moot. He curls himself away. I must reach out to him. No longer does it matter how I feel.

I am keenly aware of my situation and understand clearly the importance of mutuality and reciprocation in a relationship. Yet I do not see mutuality here.

[StopTheMorans]

5. is he allowed to have valid emotional needs too, or is that reserved

for you?

[I Have A Dream]

13. I totally understand what you're saying. My guess is that you almost...

regret sharing your feelings with him because you will then have to be dealing not only with your feelings but also his feelings.

In his defense, he sounds like a wonderul man who is able to empathize with your feelings. Many people are not able to do this. However, he may not really understand the pattern that's developed.

Maybe you could talk to him when neither of you is feeling bad and discuss it. Explain to him how you feel and give an example of where he's felt bad and you've been there for him. Ask him how he'd feel if you did the same thing at that time that he does. My guess is that he just needs to be made fully aware of the situation.

I don't think that you're being at all selfish in your needs here. There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself when you need it. I'm sure that you're always there for him when he needs it. He just needs to learn to not be drawn into your situation to the extent that it interferes with his role as the person offering support because then it turns into something about him rather than about you.

[Writer]

15. I very much appreciate your thoughtful response.

He is a wonderful, empathetic man who deserves a lifetime of thank you's for being there for me.

I should speak to him - for me, I'm always rotten with timing and do so at the worst times, but that is a good plan of action.

Thanks again :)

[BikeWriter]

14. You're relating the story of my last marriage...

I have had PTSD for years anyway, but it became increasingly worse through my exe's four major illnesses. I would take off work to be by her side and support her. She felt my increasing depression minimized her own problems, no matter how supportive I tried to be.
I realize I may sound like an alarmist. Our problems were surely far worse than your's. I'm just asking you to please try working through this in the early stages. My Life walked out the door over five years ago.

[Writer]

16. Thank you for sharing your story.

Marriage can seem like an ideolistic arrangement, at times, especially when confronted with the reality that life sometimes can hand to us.

You're not being alarmist at all. I am proud to say that I have been a depression survivor for at least 20 years. I've also dealt with bits of PTSD.

I understand about working through this early - we have survived much together and still can.

[BikeWriter]

17. Your husband may be like I was..

I was so desperately in love with my Wife I couldn't face that I'd ever be without her. When she'd be ill for extended periods I'd be outwardly strong for her, but quivering like Jello inside. Yes, men are needy creatures, aren't we?
Please do discuss your feelings with him. I've no idea whether his feelings are the same as mine were, but they may be.