need helpful advice for my son

[knowbody0]

first year at high school, he's way wee compared to most kids his age, 4'10" - 85 lbs. i just found out that every day in PE class a great big kid punches him around, then slams him against a locker, holding him there with one hand around his neck, choking him til he almost passes out.
my instincts tell me to call the school, but he threatens to drop out if i do.
i ask why are you alone there? it takes me longer to tie my shoes. i say tie your shoes on the field.
i say yell as loud as you can "get the fuck away from me you PERVERT" the next time he comes at you. make noise.
he won first place in his weight class wrestling last year. he has lots of friends. girls call here all the time for him. he says he has no enemies except this one kid. it has happened every day since school started three weeks ago. he is one of the few non whites in the school.
anybody got any advice?

[Lars39]

1. Call the police, then the school!

Why does assault look different when it's kid on kid? An adult wouldn't put up with it, why should a kid?

[knowbody0]

5. he freaks out when i tell him that's what im going to do

he threatens to quit school, saying that he will be embarassed having his "mommy" take care of his trouble. i have the weekend to talk to him though, and IMO it is the only course.

[Lars39]

11. Point out that "mommy" isn't solving his troubles, it's how *adults*

handle assault. Didn't mean to sound harsh on my previous post; the description scared me.

[nickgutierrez]

2. Get the kid to tell somebody

And if he doesn't, you tell somebody - preferably the police. And where is the teacher while this is going on? (He might want to know about this too.)

[knowbody0]

6. i agree

[mcar]

27. I agree

Tell him if he doesn't tell the principal or a guidance counselor or the resource officer at the school (if there is one), you will. Give him Monday to do that.

I also agree with the other poster who said that this is the way adults handle situations -- it's not his "mommy" protecting him. This is assault, pure and simple and it's illegal.

We have gotten far past the time when kids simply have to take bullying.
I applaud your son for not wanting you to fight his battles, but in return for that, he has to fight his own battles. I'd tell him that not standing up for himself is not acceptable in this instance as he is in danger of being seriously hurt.

BTW, my son just graduated from high school and is in college. He was never bullied, but this is the way I handled a few situations with his friends/peers ("either you handle it or I will"). It always worked and it helped him learn HOW to stand up for himself.

Good luck. No child should have to endure that.

[pitohui]

3. also how old is he

you may be able to work w. a doctor to get some hormones or another medicine to address the issue of being undersized

i dated a man who looked like a 9 yr old as a freshman in high school, not fun, he showed me the pix, unbelievable, w. hormone therapy he became well developed & of normal size


& yes i agree also deal with the immediate problem of filing assault charges if the police will cooperate, i know they don't always, but if they do & the bully is removed, you have the immediate problem dealt w.

[knowbody0]

7. his size is his heritage

his birth parents were both under 5'. i had his growth plates checked last year.
i am going to have him read this thread

[johnnie]

4. Tell him to ask the bully

"Why do you pick on one of the smallest guys in school?" I was a smaller kid all through school and got it once in a while, but not much. But I can understand what he is going through and by making too big of a scene could be worse I think.

Bullies are a pain in the ass and always have been. It's good that your son has a lot of friends and that he isn't one of those poor kids that get it from everybody.

The other thing he could do is ask for a transfer to another gym class. He could just tell the counselor that he is having a problem and doesn't want ot get anyone in trouble. It's been a while since I have been out of school so maybe things are a lot different now.

I wish I had better advice.

[knowbody0]

8. thank you johnnie

you sound as though you really do understand. he's going to read this thread, changing classes sounds good to me as well.

[koopie57]

9. My son is about the same size

except he is a second degree black belt in karate. One kid kept bothering him but quickly stopped when my son grabbed him, spun him around and put him on the ground and said "stop doing that".

[knowbody0]

13. how cool is that!

my son is brown belt taekwondo, and a wrestler. im thinking that is why he does not want me to get involved. he has not been sleeping well, and this is first period so perhaps he is a bit in drone mode.
thanks for sharing your kid story, im sure Joey will appreciate it.

[astonamous]

10. We had the same thing happen to my son...

My oldest son was physically attacked by a larger boy in gym and in the hallways. We were not aware of it until the school called and told us that our son had a pocket knife at school. It fell out of his pocket during gym class.

The only thing that kept them from charging our son with a crime was that other kids stepped up and told the police and school about the bully attacking him every day.

I tell you this because boys that age really are afraid that you will go to the school and make a "big deal" of the whole thing. It's a tough call, but it sounds like you need to go against your son's wishes and notify police and school authorities. Who knows what would have happened if my son would have been confronted that day before he was caught with the knife.

Footnote: My son is 20 and working at the airport helping handicapped and elderly travelers get on and off their planes and to and from their gates. He also volunteers with the handicapped. He is a vegetarian and believes in non-violence.

[knowbody0]

16. how proud you must be.

thank you for your advice. joey will be reading this thread later.

[Az]

12. Blows my mind

Why do we call assault and battery kids being kids when it occurs in school? This is criminal behaviour. And yet we sluff it off as if it were a minor inconvieniance.

Try this behaviour in an office and see what happens. You don't get a little time out. You get arrested.

[knowbody0]

17. this is indeed assault and battery, i agree

believe me i am not sluffing it off. i vision him dying from lack of oxygen in this maniac's grasp. we are in talk mode right now, deciding what to do.

[Kire]

14. your kid has to swallow his pride

you need to call the school and the cops right away

[knowbody0]

18. roger that, Kire

[Kire]

34. he can't hold it over you once it's done

he may resent you for a long, long time, but at least he'll have time to think about something with this guy off his back

[Guy Fawkes]

Tell your son this...

Kids who beat up or harass others at school are breaking the law. If you report them, you can make $50 bucks, if your school supports the "Quick Fifty" program, and most do.

[knowbody0]

20. i'll check into that, thank you

thanks.

[TroubleMan]

15. Seriously, tell him to kick the nuts and then choke him out

Your son sounds like a good wrestler. In real fights, wrestling beats boxing anyday.

Tell him to kick the nuts, hook the legs, push him down, then either get the mount position or a rear naked choke if he can get the back.

Whether or not your son wins the fight, he won't be picked on anymore. Most likely he should win, because the bully's not expecting your son to fight back.

[knowbody0]

19. i see by the look in his eye, that he plots revenge

and i guarantee this is the advice joey will like.
this dude is about 200 lbs and 6' tall. i hate that he picks on a kid less than half his size, and he needs to be reported. he WILL hurt someone really badly one day.

[TroubleMan]

21. Bullies only pick on kids who won't fight back too much

They'll move on to easier pickings. I know it's not really right telling a kid to start a fight, but that's just how I feel.

However, if your kid is going to fight him, make sure he's gotta plan or a strategy...if the kid's a lot bigger than him, you need to fight a little dirty.

Bullies need their asses beat, sorry I just feel that way, and I'm not trying to add a violent streak to your kid, but standing up for himself is what I would tell my kid to do.

[knowbody0]

22. he's always been small

and made it through middle school. he is an athlete and an honor role student. after dinner he is going to read this thread. thanks TroubleMan.

[renate]

23. this makes me furious

I am so angry that this bully is doing this--it is just sick and twisted. And as a fellow parent I can (maybe) imagine how heartsick you must be to hear that your precious son has been going through this.

The problem with switching classes, while this solves your son's problem, is that the guy will just pick on someone else, or continue to be free to pick on the other people he's picking on. Your son has enough on his plate that he doesn't need to feel responsible for other people's problems, but I also think that since this bully is known to be a danger, it'd be nice if the solution didn't just result in some other kid getting thrown to the wolves. It would be great if your son could be the one who was instrumental in getting this bully STOPPED.

After Columbine and all the other school shootings, I'm sure schools take bullying incredibly seriously these days. Because they know that fear of retribution is a major reason that kids don't tell, I also think the administration would work with you to make sure that your son wasn't named as the person who told.

This may be a dumb question but are kids allowed to carry pepper spray?

[knowbody0]

24. thanks renate

this is my first time dealing with this crap. pepper spray is not allowed. i agree, the bully must be stopped. i have all weekend to get my son on board with the solution. his big brothers will be here sunday (28 and 30 yr olds) i now have the kid's name number and address.

[renate]

25. please let us know how it all works out

You don't mention that you're planning to call the kid's home, so maybe just ignore my next sentence, but....

personally, I would heartily recommend against starting with the parents, since it is the authorities that need to be involved and not parents who might be the ones who taught, or allowed, the kid to be this way in the first place. (Or maybe not--sometimes excellent parents have kids with chemical imbalances or a history of traumatic experiences that cause them to be like this.) Starting with the parents would also probably be more embarrassing for your son than telling the principal. However, you do have the information you need to press charges if necessary, which is a great deterrent.

Anyway, maybe you weren't planning to contact the parents anyway (although your son's big brothers might have had other ideas...!), so forgive me if I went blah blah blah about something you weren't even considering.

I think once the school is involved they are legally required to deal with the situation. So you have a pretty good guarantee that <i>something</i> will be done.

[knowbody0]

29. thanks renate

[RagingInMiami]

26. Kick him in the balls hard

And when he falls down, just keep kicking him in the head and face. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. And sometimes that is the only way to get respect.

It sounds barbaric, but it's reality.

If the authorities get involved, they may address the issue or they may not, but the bully is always going to remember and you son is not always going to have the protection of an adult around.

And he will always be known as the narc, and that is something hard to live down in high school. It may lead to more problems.

But if he kicks him in the balls and continues to kick him in the head, it will gain him respect in the long run.

And no, I'm not joking. You can't expect teenagers to handle situations like adults. Their minds are not developed. They have a completely different mentality.

I'm sorry your son has to go through that.

[knowbody0]

28. i agree with you

he keeps telling me he will deal with it his own way. he's pissed at his sister for telling me. he's never lost a match in taekwondo or wrestling, he is not afraid, but this kid is 2 times plus his size. WTF does he get out of pounding on my kid?
joe will be reading this thread later tonight.
thanks

[RagingInMiami]

33. I'm sure it is very intimidating for him, despite his Taekwondo skills

But from my experience, growing up as a small kid with a big mouth who wouldn't back down from the bigger kids, all it takes is the first strike and from thereafter, it's easy.

You'd be surprised how quickly you can turn the tables on a bigger kid -- especially if they're not used to you fighting back.

And try to get the first hit in. You already know he's going to punch you when he approaches you, so why wait until he hits you or chokes you first.

Another piece of advice: Carry a roll of quarters in your pocket. Wrap the roll in duct tape or electical tape to keep it from bursting. When he approaches you, take the roll and wrap your fingers around them into a fist. You will strike much harder.

If you don't put a stop to it now, Joe, it's get much harder after each incident. And you have a whole school year left, as well as the rest of high school.

But if you put a stop to it now, you will be respected for the rest of your school years. Good luck to you.

[Fleshdancer]

30. his safety is more important than his ego right now

choking is a serious issue and goes far beyond the normal school bully bs.

The very least, please tell the coach since this crap is happening on his watch.

For the long term, would self defense classes be something your son would be interested in? Martial arts?

[chaska]

31. You need to go to some authority - for the bully's sake too...

Bullies are often that way because they're not bright and this how they compensate or worse, because someone is bullying or otherwise abusing them. In either case, both kids need your help.

[neuvocat]

32. He doesn't have any say-so in this.

You are the one in charge of his personal safety and anything he says takes a backseat until he himself is an adult. You are the one who makes the final decision (and of course be as well-informed about it as possible).

[miss_kitty]

35. My dad was the tiny skinny kid with coke bottle bottom glasses

and the bullies hassled him. He fought dirty and, according to legend, was treated to follow up visits by the bully, dragged over by his momma (multiple bullies, multiple mommas) who were outraged that such a monster as my dad had beaten the crap out of their sonny boys.

When grandma would call dad out and momma would see my da was just a skinny blind kid, the whole thing would change "How could you pick on a puny kid like that?" "You apologise to Bobby this minute." "I'm sorry Mrs. A. I have never been so embarrassed in my entire life. Is Bobby OK?" "Just wait til I get you home, young man" and "Wait til your father hears about this."

That said, it's hard to say. It does have to stop and it is a felony the bully is engaging in. And it's making your son a victim.

I would try to see if a sting op could be set up. Are there witnesses? Does he do it in the same place every time? I'm just thinking. If it could look like bully boy was caught out with no assistance from your son, it could make it easier.
For a little guy to lay a pounding on a big guy is pretty risky. My dad was lucky. It was a small town-it probably didn't happen as often as was told, and times were very different (1930s)

What ever happens, I hope everything works out for you guys.

[Sabriel]

36. I'm sorry, but better a drop-out than dead

A choke hold is nothing to screw around with. People have died from them, just fooling around.

As a former teacher, I advise you to put it in writing and disperse it to as many people as seems useful. Document, document, document. Leave a huge fucking paper trail. And give them a deadline. If they don't do something about the situation by X date, you'll take it to the next step.

I'm so sorry this is happening. Please tell your son that by ignoring it, he's endorsing it. What if the guy kills the next kid he picks on? This is a kind of rape that should never go unpunished.