Let's talk celluloid crap! What are the worst movies ever?

[BigMcLargehuge]

Please back up your choices with a sentence or two describing why it's the worst and you can't say "because everyone says it is..." I mean your PERSONAL worst.

Here is my list, to get us started (exhaustive reviews linked).

http://www.horrorview.com/hall%20of%20shame.htm

For example. I posit that Raptor is one of the worst movies ever... Here is the opening of my review -

"Oh man, oh man did this one suck. Okay, here is the short-short review. All the special effect sequences,(sometimes even more than the special effect sequences) from Carnosaur and Carnosaur 2 interlaced with some new footage of Eric Roberts, Melissa Brasselle, and Corben Bernsen.

I kid you not.

How on Earth did Eric Roberts’ career plummet to the depths where he would even consider making this film? Just how many collection agencies does one need to dodge to even contemplate making a film that from my estimate has the production budget of a KFC Value Meal?"

[KitchenWitch]

1. Deuce Bigelow - Male Gigolo

it is the only movie I have left the theatre early for.

It was showing as the third movie in a triple feature at the Drive-In. I did not want to stay, but my hubby talked me into sticking around for it...about 10 minutes into it, he had enough...and I refrained from saying I told you so!

[BigMcLargehuge]

3. I've walked out of a bunch!

Top Gun
Coctail (after Bryan Brown offed himself)
Uncle Buck
The Great Outdoors

[BlueIris]

14. You're breaking my heart. Those are my favorite

"guilty pleasure" films of that era. Childhood favorites, actually.

[Lone_Wolf_Moderate]

19. Top Gun!? Heresy!!

Blasphemy, I say! You are anathema, my friend.

[billyskank]

42. Top Gun is diabolical

Nothing can save that movie.

[Monkey see Monkey Do]

64. So bad they made a sequel!

Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo

[NNadir]

2. All of the Star Wars movies.

[BigMcLargehuge]

4. why?

I have my own particular apathy towards them, especially the most recent ones, and a disdain for the first because of the effect it had on cinematic science fiction.

What are your reasons?

[NNadir]

7. I find them treacly, violent, and way too self serious.

I had to watch one or two of them with my kids recently - they and I all caught some shut eye.

Boring.

[alarcojon]

5. Gigli

terrible acting, terrible dialogue.

[BigMcLargehuge]

6. I think you can include virtually of of J-Lo's "work"

Gigli was awful, the Wedding Planner made my temples bleed, and The Cell reduced me to yawns then snores.

[TroubleMan]

8. Surf Nazis Must Die

OMG...that stunk!

[BigMcLargehuge]

9. yeah, but it was supposed too...

that's the genius of Lloyd Kaufman at Troma. He makes crap for crap's sake.

[TroubleMan]

10. However, I usually like movies like that

Fantasy Mission Force is one of my favorite movies because it's so bad it's good....hilariously funny. The ultimate WTF movie that makes Eraserhead and other David Lynch films seem mainstream.

Surf Nazis Must Die was too contrived for me, I guess. :shrug: It was not WTF enough to make me laugh.

[BigMcLargehuge]

11. the problem with Surf Nazi's was it's awareness of its suckitude

unlike say, The Toxic Avenger, which went over the top on purpose but tried to keep a straight face for the first twenty minutes.

[TroubleMan]

12. Yeah, it was like the actors knew the movie sucked...

You could see it on their faces (or maybe it's just my poor memory).

A really good bad movie takes itself at least a little seriously, and the WTF part just comes natural.

[ghostsofgiants]

13. Anything directed by Michael Bay

:grr:

[BigMcLargehuge]

29. good looking crap, but crap none the less

[ghostsofgiants]

34. That's exactly why I hate it...

Eye candy with no substance.

[CanuckAmok]

15. i'm gonna get "flamed", but Heat.

Despite having one of the most exciting and well-choreographed heist/gun battle sequences ever (kudos particularly the postproduction sound editors!), Michael Mann's horrible writing and closeted homoeroticism thinly disguised as sensitive tough-guy art is some of the most over-rated claptrap in Hollywood history.

[CanuckAmok]

16. Saturn 3.

Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein" set in outer-space, starring Farrah Fawcett(-Majors), Kirk Douglas, and Karvey Keitel.

There are a million reasons why this film blows, but I only need to state one to spare you all the horror of finding out for your self:

Kirk Douglas' bare, 65-year old ass.

[BigMcLargehuge]

23. or Don Frees providing Harvey Keitel's voice in post production

did you see my review of that in the Hall of Shame?

[CanuckAmok]

47. no, but I will.

link?

I saw thst crapfest in the theatre, if you can believe it.

[BigMcLargehuge]

53. LOL... so did I :)

link here (it's the general link to all of the HOS)

http://www.horrorview.com/hall%20of%20shame.htm

[CanuckAmok]

59. Oh my god!! "Satan's Cheerleaders"?! I thought I dreamt that!

I saw it onece on late night TV when I was in bed with a 102 fever... afterwards, I wasn't sure if the movie even existed.

[BigMcLargehuge]

60. yep

glad I could clear that up for you :)

[CanuckAmok]

61. and after reading your review..."Martin Amis"?!!!

That's more shocking than Ebert writing Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, or Ken Finkelman writing "Airplane II".

[CanuckAmok]

68. One more thing, Big...

You forgot to mention how annoying that dog was. People at the screening I attended actually cheered when the little bastard was beheaded.

One final note. I have seen thousands of movies in theatres, and some of them (the original Star Wars and Raiders of the Lost Ark, for examples) have earned loud applause from the audience.

Saturn 3 was the only movie I've ever seen, including Wholly Moses(!), in which the audience was compelled to "boo" en masse.

[TroubleMan]

27. You have just told me all I need to ever know about that film

and why I'll never watch it.

[BlueIris]

17. "The Hearse" is truly one of the worst films ever made.

Followed closely by the infamously offensive "I Spit On Your Grave," "S.H.A.G.," "Posse," "The Stoned Age," "The Fifth Element," "The Killer Eye" "Freddy Got Fingered," "Darkness Falls" and "21 grams." That last one is the worst movie I've seen in the last three years.

[BigMcLargehuge]

24. I will argue about I Spit on Your Grave

I thought it was an exceptional revenge film.

[Lone_Wolf_Moderate]

18. Gigli, Scooby Doo 2, Santa with Muscles, The English Patient.

[BigMcLargehuge]

25. Oh man, the English Patient...

It was like the slam bang action of Howards End, only way less exciting.

[barb162]

35. are you trying to say it was a bit on the slow side?

You know what else? Out of Africa, snooze

[BigMcLargehuge]

36. I actually saw Out of Africa TWICE in the theater

it was slow, but I liked it.

[JimmyJazz]

20. "The Wedding Date" - I thought it would be a sweet, cute film

and I kinda need the distraction these days. It was horrible and I turned it off - the scenes were disconnected, there was no flow to the story and it was just plain stupid.

[BigMcLargehuge]

28. that was almost a Lifetime movie...

I watched about ten minutes of it then noticed I was growing breasts.

I think you need ovaries to make it through that one.

[JimmyJazz]

30. I think you need to be blind and deaf to sit through the entire movie.

It was THAT bad.

[flvegan]

21. Anything with "Leprechaun" in the title. As horror flicks go,

if they sucked any more, the universe would stop expanding outward.

[BigMcLargehuge]

26. LOL!

well put.

[Monkey see Monkey Do]

67. I caught "Leprechaun in the Hood"

a couple of months ago. Whoa boy!

[MrTriumph]

22. The Columbus movies in 1992. Never was discovery so boring.

I think there were 2 Columbus pictures released in '92. Columbus would never have set sail if he'd known how bad the movies would be.

[BigMcLargehuge]

31. Columbus is not a good subject for a film

though to be fair, Brando as Torquemada was hilarious

[niallmac]

32. Kids flick: Return To Grizzly Mountain

It is so bad I am surprised it is not a cult film. Two OMG long shameless product promotion scenes. One was for a Polaroid camera and the other was for McDonalds. The story, the acting ...nothing in this film will let you down. It is all uniformly horrible. Notice I watched it in its entirety. I was hypnotized.

[Doctor_J]

33. Amost anything with a "2" at the end of the title

Caddyshack 2, Scooby-Doo 2, ...

And most of Ed Wood's movies. They're pretty fun to watch on MST3K or Svengoolie, but besides that,...

[sundog]

37. Jaws the Revenge

shark raors like a lion, stands on its tail out of the water long enough to be impaled by a ships broken bow (moving at about 10 miles an hour), ellen brody's son dies & she starts fucking michael caine, mario van peebles with a horribly fake jamaican accent... i could go on

it's kinda fun to watch in a bizzare way

[Deja Q]

38. Made before or after "gigli"?

[BigMcLargehuge]

39. at any time

Gigli is merely a convenient modern signpost leading from and to crappitude.

[miss_kitty]

40. Cocktail

I was *cough* fortunate enough to see a run through screening (a midnight or so screening run the night before the film runs so the projectionist can make she she got the reels in order and to make sure there are no other problems). There were probably 50 of us in there at various stages of drunk, high and drunk/high and we had a great time mocking it loudly from beginning to end. It's a couple of hours I'll never have back, but it was free.

[sundog]

41. oh that's bad

i think elisabeth shue slaps tom cruise in that... i barely remember... but that part sticks with me :D

[miss_kitty]

43. As part of the drunk/high crowd, I remember little of it

except my friends and I could not believe how awful the movie was, how bad the dialogue, was and how wooden the acting was.

A trifecta of awfulness, really.

[BigMcLargehuge]

49. my friend and I were actually jumped and beaten up

after disrupting cocktail with hysterical laughter (especially when Bryan Brown offed himself with the crystal brandy bottle) for "ruining a date" for a couple of local high school football players.

[jane_pippin]

44. Sideways.

Why on earth anyone would think I'd want to watch two middle-aged white guys whine their way through a movie about pretentious alcoholism is utterly beyond me. I like both of the actors but I thought it was a case of good acting, lousy lines.

And speaking of those inane lines, how did that thing get an Oscar nomination? If there was any doubt that Hollywood is in love with itself, that movie getting the nod erased all of it.

The only good thing I can say about it after seeing it, and its let-down of an ending that I guess was supposed to be an example of "real life" decisions, (Gee, let's have a character fall in love with this woman right before his wedding, but then, he'll just marry this lady who drives him nuts anyway, for some reason the audience doesn't need to worry itself with. That's called edgy!), is that at least creators of the old TV show ThirtySomething can sleep well at night knowing they inspired a new generation of self-indulgent bullshit.

:thumbsdown: :thumbsdown:

[billyskank]

45. "Independence Day" was pretty bloody awful

Although probably not in the pantheon of worst movies ever.

[BigMcLargehuge]

48. it's in the Hall of Shame

as is the Emmerich/Devil Godzilla.

I can't stand either of those two directors/producers or their crap films. I'd have Stargate in there too if I could bring myself to sit through it again.

[billyskank]

52. Hmmm yeah

Funny, Stargate SG-1 the TV series is ok in my book. But Stargate the movie...not so good. :(

[flamingyouth]

46. Eegah! And Hard Rock Zombies

:thumbsdown:

[BigMcLargehuge]

50. Eagah is AWFUL

actually, anything with the names Arch Hall or Arch Hall Jr. attached to it is craporiffic.

[jane_pippin]

54. Arch Hall Jr is camptastic and you know it. Come on now!

I have to disagree with the Eegah! assessments here. It has Arch Hall Jr, first off, it has wicked bad Arch Hall Jr. tunes ("Vicki--oh-ho-ho-Vicki" is, clearly, one of the great moments of music in film), and it has Eegah rampaging a ragin' pool party full of squares. All that and it's available in MST3K form too with such classic lines as "Isn't it kinda weird shaving your dad?"

Give Eegah some love. And some for Arch Hall Jr., the best worst actor of all time.

[Fenris]

51. "Hard Rock Zombies" is, IMHO, the WORST thing ever made.

And "thing" here refers to anything created by human beings - all the way back to the invention of the wheel. x(

Bad early-1980s/late-1970s wuss rock (the title is a misnomer), a cast that couldn't act it's way out of a paper bag, midgets, low-budget gore, white-faced actors that are supposed to pass as zombies, and - oh yeah - Hitler.

[flamingyouth]

55. I knew we'd find you here

Caaaaaa-ssiiiieeeee.... ;)

[Fenris]

56. ACK!

:puke:

[CanuckAmok]

57. Moulin Rouge

Why did I pay for a passenger seat on Elton John's Paxil hallucination?

It was so bad I walked out of it, which is really saying something, as I was watching it at home.

[Left Is Write]

69. I thought I was the only person on earth who couldn't stand that movie.

I would have LIKED to walk out on it, but we were at a friend's house for a holiday dinner and everyone else watched it while we waited for the food to be ready.

[Beware the Beast Man]

58. "Break a leg, Ralphus."

"Whose, master?"

:rofl:

The best part of Bloodsucking Freaks is the end, when that one lady is feasting on a "sandwich."

[Dastard Stepchild]

62. Anything and everything Tarantino...

:hide:

All of the dialogue in every single one of his movies immediately makes me conjure up the image of me being forced to listen to him expound on his banal, intentionally "profound" observations of life while we sit sipping coffee and he smokes 100 cigarettes at a Denny's-type scenario at 3am. Every now and then the server comes over to refill the coffee, and he turns to her and shouts, "Do you know what I mean?!" And then he looks at me and laughs, 'cuz he's so cool and out there.

Every single one of his characters talks the way his mind thinks. There is no character development. There is only Tarantino lecturing me.

[BigMcLargehuge]

63. have to disagree with you there (n/t)

[Dastard Stepchild]

75. Yes... that is not an uncommon response to my thoughts on said matter...

But I'm happy to stick with my convictions. :)

[Monkey see Monkey Do]

65. Batman and Robin

The most excruciating 2 hours I have ever sat through in my life. I will never, ever forgive Joel Schumacher for this piece of shit.

[BigMcLargehuge]

66. you should sit through Captain America from stunningly awful director

Albert Pyun. It makes Batman and Robin look like Sin City.

[Monkey see Monkey Do]

71. Thankfully I missed it!

Just look up Albert Pyun on IMDB -- he truly is Mr Straight-to-video.

Speaking of crimes against franchises, I've just ordered a bootleg DVD of "The Star Wars Holiday Special" from ebay. That may just prove to be the stupidest thing I've ever done!

[SIU_Blue]

70. Signs

what a waste of time. The one exception was that part with the news footage was creepy. *spoiler warning* But otherwise, talk about your plot holes. Aliens who get killed by water invade a planet 80% covered by it?

:wtf:

Good thing it wasn't raining anywhere in the world when they started their invasion!!!

[Rabrrrrrr]

72. Top Gun - always my first choice

Total piece of cliche-ridden shit. The writing, the dialogue, the acting, even the cinematogrpahy (such as it is) - all cliche, overdone, unoriginal, and also just fucking god awful bad.

There is nothing in Top Gun that is redeemable except some of the titty jiggling, but even that was cliche and tedious because of its uninspired lack of artistry or thought.

If you talk about a movie built entirely from the numbers, like a paint by numbers faux-art worthless fuck schottke, you are talking about Top Gun.

"Hey, let's just put the numers in the formulae* and see what happens!"

"The computer came out with Top Gun!"



* obviously the illiterate artless assclowns who did Top Gun would never use the proper plural for formula, and would say formulas.

[SIU_Blue]

73. You should see the movie "Hot Shots"

A fantastic parody of Top Gun, Though I liked it myself

[Rabrrrrrr]

74. Yes, that was hilarious!!

I love that movie!