If You Found Out That A Good Friend Was Having An Affair...

[arwalden]

Poll question: If You Found Out That A Good Friend Was Having An Affair...

... what would you do? (Assuming that you discovered it by accident... not because your friend confessed to you.)

[matcom]

1. no idea but

i'm getting this out anyway :popcorn:

[kick-ass-bob]

2. in general, the first option. BUT

knowing specifics about their circumstances means a lot more. If said best friend is married to a complete asshole who is abusive, then the alternative is most likely better.

[terrya]

3. Confront the friend and advise to stop.

Emphasis on the "advise"

Said best friend is an adult. All you can do is talk to him and tell him, as a friend, to stop.

Do NOT go to the spouse, IMO.

[RetroLounge]

4. Ignore.

MYOB

RL

[johnnie]

5. I leave it alone

I have known of a few and I just figure that it isn't my concern.

[Heidi]

6. No. 1, it's just a rumor unless one of the parties directly involved

confided this to me. I'd mind my own business.

[underpants]

7. How hot is the wife?

http://www.cafepress.com/shop/humor/browse/store/tittiesandco.18959197

[billyskank]

8. I'd ignore it

None of my business.

[trof]

9. I've been there.

Without going into all the sordid details...
She supected.
I KNEW.
She badgered and "shamed" me for days.
"I KNOW you're my friend and if you knew you'd tell me."
She finally guilted me into it and I caved.
"Yes he is."

Worst decision of my life.
They split and neither one spoke to me again.
Don't do it.

[StopTheMorans]

10. other: ask in (a la a few (or 3) certain DUers)

[skygazer]

11. Depends on the circumstances

I once had a good friend who told me herself that she was having an affair - I advised her to end it but didn't interfere further or get pushy on the subject. Since she told me herself, I felt okay about discussing it. If I found out some other way, I might be less likely to approach it.

She ended up leaving her husband and marrying the guy she was fooling around with who was 15 years younger than her. They've been together for over 15 years now. Shows you how good my advice is anyway.

[Darth_Kitten]

12. things like this are too dangerous to ignore....

a friend of mine found out recently her hubby has been seeing hookers for years.

The arrogant jerk... :mad:

it's way too dangerous to ignore. :(

[XNASA]

13. I am not.

:grr:

[arwalden]

20. Ptptptptptppppth! Ya big screwball!

[XNASA]

23. Whatsamatta?

Don't think I've got it in me, er, I mean, in someone else?

:crazy:

[progmom]

14. I'd let my friend know that I knew

And be available to talk about it if they needed to.

If I was close friends with the spouse who was being cheated on, I think that I would have a different response.

[no name no slogan]

15. Take out a full-page ad in the local paper

that says "I know something that you don't"

[JVS]

16. Ask if my friend would like me to forget what I just saw. Tell friend...

that I would like to not have to see spouse much in the future.

[Xithras]

17. Are you sure it's a non-consensual affair?

You'd be suprised to know how many couples willingly let their partners sleep with other people, and it's becoming more common.

If it's non-consensual, I'd confront the friend and ask what his/her intentions were. If the answer was a casual fling, I'd advise them to knock it off because it's putting the marriage in danger. If the friend admitted that he/she was planning on leaving the spouse, I'd stay out of it...divorces are nasty things and you're better off not being involved. Many people decide they want a divorce months or years before they actually do it, and it's not uncommon for those people to start "cheating" on their soon to be ex spouse. Most people later assume that the marriage ended because of the affair, but quite often the marriage had begun ending long before the pants hit the floor.

[Teaser]

18. You forgot an option...

"use the information to blackmail them."

[GayCanuck]

19. I was devastated by an affair

Completely unknown to me, my previous partner was having serial affairs with other men. We had been together for 4 years, had a ring ceremony, bought a house together, combined finances, lives etc.. A friend of mine at my gym confided in me that he had seen my partner with another man at a night club; the same night he had told me he was on business in Ottawa. My emotions ran wild; I was upset that my friend told me and upset that my partner would do such a thing. We had a great sex life and I did everything to make him happy. I was in complete denial until I follwed him around and found out he was sleeping with any man that wiggled. I also uncovered a drug problem. Of course, I got tested immediately as we had unprotected sex for a long time. I was totally hurt by this sick cad but am so glad to this day my friend told me. I'm very happy now and have regained a good measure of trust in men.

[miss_kitty]

21. It totally depends on the people involved

My best friend was cheated on and it destroyed most of her close relationships. She thought everyone knew and hadn't told her. We didn't, but the guy she trusted most in the world turned out to be a liar and a cheat.

I don't know if I HAD known that I would have told-I like to think, based on her reaction, that I would have-I'd known her husband for years, but was not friends with him.

She just felt she couldn't trust anyone. I understand that it's your friend that's doing the deed, and don't know about your friendship with the SO. But if it's a sneaky thing, you may want to reconsider your friendship with this person. After all, if they'd do that to their SO...

[WCGreen]

22. You have no idea why or what is going on....

When I was a young man, hard to believe that isn;t it... But I was so indignant about a man's fidelity, That I rushed in too pass judgement....

Well, it wasn't the right thing to do, go figure, and I ended up causing a lot more grief for both parties invovled....

So, we live in an adult world, it's up to the adults to make the decisions they make...

It is also up to the adult to live with the consequence of those choices....

[eyesroll]

24. How exactly did I discover it?

There are a lot of variables here.

I don't assume someone at a bar or restaurant with a member of their preferred gender who is not their committed partner is having an affair.

I don't assume a car pulling into a motel is evidence of an affair. It could be evidence of a broken furnace.

I don't necessarily assume that walking in on a couple (or moresome) mid-coitus is evidence of an affair -- it's not cheating if they're not monogamous to begin with (and I surely don't expect my friends to tell me about their open marriage unless they want to).

So, I suppose, unless I walk in on a couple not only going at it but openly talking about the behind-their-partner's-back-ness of it all, I don't necessarily have concrete proof.

I'd probably stay out of it, or, at most, say "hey, did I see you across the room at XXX last week?" and let them take it from there.

[Thtwudbeme]

25. It's not really any of your business.....I hate crap like that, it's

embarrassing to me to have to hear about other people's self created garbage.

[redqueen]

26. Ignore it, wait a few years...

then when the other spouse cheats, and the first cheater gets mad, chime in with "but weren't you fucking so and so back in (insert year here)?"

:evilgrin:

[Misunderestimator]

27. Speaking as someone who had a good friend once that did not tell me...

(And on edit, being the one that was cheated on) First confront the friend... then tell the spouse... or hell... don't do anything and don't be friends with either one.... who the hell knows? :D Awful position you're in.

[Rob H.]

28. I worked with a guy who was cheating on his wife

I didn't know her well enough to tell her, and he didn't think I knew but he was cheating with someone we worked with. It was obvious, too--pretty much everybody knew they were doin' the two-bear mambo. If I'd liked the guy I probably would've told him, "Look, you must think everyone who works here is an idiot if you think no one knows you're cheating, but trust me, everybody knows." He thought he was being really sneaky, but people were laughing at him (and her) behind his back.


On edit: This guy was an acquaintance, not a good friend. I'm not sure what I would've done if that weren't the case--I'm leaning toward "It's really none of my damned business so I'm not getting in the middle of it."

[MrSlayer]

29. Some of my friends do it occasionally.

I don't agree with it, tell them so and then I get the details. I would never rat out one of my boys, that is out of the question.

[JVS]

30. Why do you get the details?

[MrSlayer]

31. Why not?

If you're going to tell me you're doing it I want to hear it all. Most of the time it's volunteered anyway.

[JVS]

39. I prefer not to know details about such things.

[MrSlayer]

40. Well that's ok I suppose.

I like to hear about it even if it makes me a bit salty.

[BikeWriter]

32. I'd like to have known. I'd have saved a fortune..

[WeRQ4U]

33. Live Vicariously through him....

:hide:

[ronnykmarshall]

34. Blackmail the scum!

and stalk that cheap little twink and/or leather daddy he's banging.

Then I'd seduce his boyfriend and have steaming sex with him while showing him the pictures of that bastard cheating on him.

Come on! That's what Blanche Hollingsworth Devereaux would do!!

[Lilyhoney]

35. I do not want friends that cheat.

I recently found that a new friend of mine was cheating on her boyfriend via the guy she was cheating with who is also a friend of mine. I let her know that I knew and gave her a chance to talk about it. But she chose not to. I do not pursue this friendship like I had wanted to.

After the very first time I hung out with this girl I had a dream that she came over to my house crying because she and her boyfriend broke up.
I had'nt met the boyfriend and knew nothing of their relationship.

My husband and I are happily married and truely despise infidelity. :mad:

[pitohui]

36. why confront anyone?

we're all adults here, it's their business, so i restrict myself to enjoying the gossip behind the backs of all involved

[Deep13]

37. mind your own business

It is not your duty to police someone else's marriage.

[In_The_Wind]

38. I would mind my own business.

:shrug: the couple may be perfectly okay with an extra bit of spice in their life ...

How would I know if they had already agreed upon the affair being acceptable to everyone involved.