Extended overseas trips for children - at what age.

[NewJeffCT]

My daughter is now a bit more than 2 1/2 years old. Her English is very good for her age.

My wife is originally from China and is going to be traveling there at least 3-4 times a year for her new job. However, because we are both working, my wife has not really been able to teach her much Chinese, and we'd really like her to learn the language and the culture. (Who knows, by the time my daughter is an adult, China could be buying the US...)

But, at what age is it okay for her to stay in China with my in-laws for maybe 2-3 months? What we'd likely do is myself, my wife and daughter all go to China together and leave her there for a bit and then my in-laws would bring her back after those 2-3 months. But, at what age is it okay to start considering something like that?

We wouldn't do that right now, but my wife is insistent on my daughter learning the culture, and Chinese tradition has the grandparents taking care of the child. (My in-laws live in the much wealthier eastern part of China, so I would not be too concerned about medical care, if needed.)

And, before you ask, my mother-in-law came here to live with us for the first 10 1/2 months of my daughter's life, but when she recently applied for a Visa to come back here, it was rejected. For some reason, the US customs worker in Shanghai insisted that my mother-in-law had to stay in China longer than she had stayed in the US last time and was seemingly unable to calculate that late Feb 2003 to early Jan 2004 (when she was here before) is less time than Jan 2004 to Sept 2005.

[Iris]

1. You know, I'd talk to a pediatrician about something like this.

I wouldn't take advice from even the most well-meaning online group, not even DU-ers, regarding something like this. There could be all sorts of reasons not to (attachment issues, anxiety) and all sorts of good reasons for doing it (bilingual, a relationship with her grandparents), but I'd try to find an expert with some sort of experience or credentials involving this sort of thing.

[NewJeffCT]

2. oh, I'm sure we will

if it ever comes to that.

And, last time I had posted this question on DU, I had gotten several respondents that said I was a terrible parent for even considering it.

[NewJeffCT]

5. pediatrician update

we wouldn't be doing this until next year at the earliest, but I decided to call the pediatrician up, anyhow.

she said it would be fine to leave her there for a little while if we went with her and introduced her to my in-laws and stayed there for several days, too (which was our plan to begin with, if we did this)

[NewJeffCT]

15. morning kick

since i didn't post until later yesterday.

[China_cat]

3. My experience

my youngest was a bit older than that when his dad and I left him with his grandparents in Holland for 2 WEEKS while we went to Paris. My in-laws didn't speak English and my son had only enough Dutch to be able to contend with emergencies. Even though my brother-in-law (who speaks English) dropped in every day, I can tell you that it was a total disaster. And this was with a kid who was old enough to understand that we weren't just dumping him in a situation he couldn't comprehend. He already knew and had spent time with his grandparents with us around.

Let me emphasize...this was MY experience. Your mileage may vary.

[NewJeffCT]

4. How was it a disaster?

both my in-laws speak a small amount of English... and, my little nephew is pretty good with it (I think he's 11 years old now?)

and, we had a live-in Chinese nanny for 3 months last year that worked out ok, though not great.

[China_cat]

8. The cultural differences

without us there to act as a buffer left both my son and in-laws at their wits' ends. And Dutch culture would be much closer to American than Chinese would...or at least that's how it seems to me.

My son was not just disobedient, he was a terror and my in-laws had absolutely no control over him at all. And I don't just mean in the normal 'indulgent grandparent' way. By the time we got back, he was surly, had been stealing from his grandparents, would disappear and they'd have no idea where he'd be.

We just shouldn't have left him. Bad for us, bad for him, horrible for my in-laws.

[NewJeffCT]

14. hmm

Well, Chinese grandparents can be pretty indulgent at times... especially with the very young, despite the reputation of Asians being very demanding of their children & grandchildren. (if you go to a Chinese restaurant that is mostly or all Chinese customers, you will likely see a LOT of little kids running around like demons)

However, in most major cities in eastern China, they have schools for Americans that are in China for business where they can learn both English & Chinese at I'm sure a fraction of the cost of our local KinderCare. And, if she was interested in things like kung fu, or playing a musical instrument, lessons would also be a fraction of the cost.

[underpants]

6. Check out this guy

http://oneyearoff.com/

[NewJeffCT]

7. interesting

but, it looks like they took the kids with them.

and, i don't think we could afford to take a year off at this time in our lives (my ex-wife spent a LOT of money during our marriage and got no alimony because I had nothing to give at the time!)

[Lydia Leftcoast]

9. One of my cousins used to send his sons on extended visits to

their mother's parents in Germany beginning when they were both elementary school age.

They're both adults now and have turned out fine.

[NewJeffCT]

10. thanks

I'll keep everybody's info in mind.

i'm actually most worried about how my parents would react.

[skygazer]

11. I have to admit I'd be hesitant to do this myself

For several reasons. For one thing, if things didn't work out, it's not like you can just hop in the car and go get her. She'd be halfway around the world. Also, god forbid there was some sort of international emergency, situation, whatever - the idea of my toddler being out of the country without me would make me very nervous. Maybe that's just me.

I personally would not consider doing this until one of you could stay there with her. After all, though Chinese culture has the grandparents taking care of the child, it's not normally in the total absence of the parents.

[NewJeffCT]

12. while that is true

it is not uncommon for the grandparents to take care of the grandchild in another city while the parents spend the week working.

[Orsino]

13. They should be sent overseas at three months...

...and returned after they graduate from college.

:-)