My letter to ChristianExodus.org (*Warning: Long Post!*)

[Dr. Death]

For those of you who haven't heard of them, ChristianExodus.org is a group that advocates moving Christians to South Carolina so that they can create a new, godly republic.

http://www.christianexodus.org/

As a SC native, I take offense to this group and, being of a playful turn of mind and not really interested in doing any work this afternoon, I decided to try to convince them to move to South Dakota instead (sorry, SD DU'ers, you'll have to write your own letter).

Here's my letter, for your amusement (I hope):

Mr. Jim Taylor and Mr. Cory Burnell, Founders
ChristianExodus.org

My Dear Fellow Believers,

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Sonny Bates, and I am Pastor of the First Primitive Baptist Church of New Goshen, South Dakota. My congregation and I have become aware of your activities and support your mission of returning our godless country to the religious republic that our forefathers intended. However, we disagree with your choice of location. While recognizing South Carolina’s obvious appeal, we believe that South Dakota is a better choice for our new Zion. In this epistle we will outline our case, in hopes that you will reconsider your choice.

We concede that South Carolina does have advantages. Surely, we need a state with “South” in its name, to keep away those northern feminazi blue-state yankee liberal abortionists. South Dakota, nevertheless, meets this criterion as well. Also, as you note on your web site, we need a state that is willing to fight for our Christian rights, and “if necessary to attain these rights, dissolve our State's bond with the union.” South Carolina certainly has experience leading a secessionist movement (which worked out very well, despite what those revisionist liberal history professors say). Still, we in South Dakota are willing to “put on the full armor of God” and fight as well. In high school, in fact, I was voted the boy most likely to secede.

To begin, South Dakota has the obvious advantage of size: at 77,116 square miles, it is more than twice as big as South Carolina (31,189 square miles). This will become important in the future, due to the population growth that we anticipate once we get all women to quit having careers and stay home to take care of babies, as God and His shieldbearer John Roberts intended.

Equally important is the issue of housing. According to the 2004 American Community Survey, available online through the U.S. Census Bureau, South Dakota has 342,620 total housing units, as compared to South Carolina’s 1,890,682. Why is this significant, you ask? Fewer housing units in South Dakota means fewer places for deviants to hide. If we accept that each housing unit has on average 5 closets, then South Dakota has approximately 1,713,100 closets, as compared to South Carolina’s 9,453,410. This means that South Carolina has a whopping 7,740,310 more closets for homosexuals to hide in than South Dakota! The sheer number of available closets will draw more homosexuals to South Carolina, “like sheep in a pen, like a flock in its pasture” . In addition, can you imagine how long it will take to search all of those closets for homosexuals once the Second Final Solution begins? Why, it will take Pastor Fred Phelps months to find them all!

The number of bedrooms is also significant. As you are probably aware, distinguished author Katharine DeBrecht recently warned us of a sinister new liberal tactic: hiding under the beds of our children. At an average of 2 bedrooms per housing unit, South Carolina has 3,781,364 bedrooms, while South Dakota has only 685,240. Assuming one bed per bedroom, that makes 3,096,124 fewer places in South Dakota where liberals can reach our children, luring them into the evils of rock music, drug use, and thinking for themselves. We need not remind you here, of course, that more bedrooms also contributes to promiscuous out-of-wedlock sex (along with more sex in marriage, which is also promiscuity when done for pleasure rather than procreation).

You state that one reason South Carolina was chosen is because of its “coastline and harbors.” However, along the coast there are miles of beaches, which of course are places where people engage in lewd activities such as drinking alcohol, reading the spew of the America-hating liberal media, and sunbathing while wearing next to nothing. This problem will not exist in South Dakota because, well, we have no beaches. Also, all clothing standards will be under the control of our new Minister of Culture, a godly man who used to work for some company called the Taliban, whatever that is (it must have something to do with the textile or pet industries, as he mentioned Afghans). He has promised to make sure that women adhere to a proper dress code.

In the choice of state motto, South Dakota also clearly demonstrates its superiority. South Dakota’s motto is “Under God the People Rule,” which I’m sure you’ll agree dovetails nicely with our plans to restore our Christian republic. South Carolina, on the other hand, is highly objectionable in this regard. To begin, the state has two mottos: “Dum Spiro Spero” (“While I Breathe I hope”) and “Animus Opibusque Parati” (“Ready in Soul and Resource”). Two mottos promotes the idea that there can be more than one way of thinking, which of course is a lie foisted upon our country by Satan and his minions, the supporters of multiculturalism. Moreover, the choice of Latin for the language smacks of liberal elitism. Our state motto should be English, as God intended and demonstrated through His Bible. To make matters worse, Latin is, as our esteemed former Vice President Dan Quayle once noted, the language of Latin America. We do not need to remind you that Latin America is the source of so many undocumented workers who come to our country, take our jobs, and live off of our tax dollars. To allow the use of Latin in our state motto is to support those who push for bilingual education in our schools. Finally, the wording and tone of the mottos reeks of secular humanist arrogance: “While I Breathe I Hope,” while perhaps gratifying to a hell-bound humanist, misses the point of life entirely. It is for Hope after we stop breathing that we must look, and for that there can be only one thing: salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, our only Hope, the Anchor of our soul . To be sure, no man is “Ready in Soul and Resource” until he has accepted Jesus. All the resources in the world will not avail the humanists until they accept this Truth. Only then will their souls be ready.

One final point deserves mention due to its relevance to our modern struggle against the atheist evolutionists. South Dakota has far more dinosaur fossils than South Carolina. Despite the sinful proponents of the discredited theory of Darwinian evolution, growing numbers of scientists now agree that an Intelligent Designer, our Lord God (who is not a Flying Spaghetti Monster as some blasphemers who will burn in hell claim), created both man and dinosaurs and that both lived together in harmony before the fall. You have probably heard of the fine work of Carl Baugh (who is a real doctor, even if his degree was granted by an unaccredited school run by his friends) and his Creation Evidence Museum in Texas (creationevidence.org). We can invite Dr. Baugh to conduct excavations in South Dakota, which will no doubt yield additional evidence proving that man and dinosaurs lived together, even if we have to make it up, which is okay since that is what God intended.

We hope that you will take our pleas under advisement, and trust that the evidence we have presented will sway your choice for our new homeland. We look forward to seeing you “in the region of Goshen….you, your children and grandchildren, your flocks and herds, and all you have” . Rest assured that in our new theocracy (er, republic) you will also be able to keep “all you have” without fear that the government will tax your money away to pay for abortions, salaries of the aforementioned revisionist liberal professors, or welfare for those Latin-speaking illegals. Like you, we believe that “under no circumstances is government to steal from some citizens to provide for other citizens,” even if they are elderly, as you note. Along these lines, you must no doubt be proud of our government’s recent actions in not providing for the poor and elderly who through their own fault were caught in a hurricane. Perhaps this indicates that there is hope for the correct form of government in our country, and on this happy note we will end.

In Him,

Rev. Sonny Bates
And his Flock at First Primitive Baptist Church,
New Goshen, South Dakota