Is it a good idea to Get Married...

[Jack_Dawson]

if you barely have sex? I love her...she's my best friend...we "get" each other...I want to share everything with her...but I feel no desire.

For some reason I feel the physical attraction for women I barely know. Help.

On edit: And by barely, I mean barely...once a month? Both in our 30s.

[Beware the Beast Man]

1. Don't look for answers here.

If you really love her, yet feel these urges, I highly recommend a counselor. This really isn't the place to be asking for that sort of advice. I sincerely hope everything works out for you, though.

[pitohui]

2. no

you'll never have more sex than you did before you were married

[bearfan454]

38. Aint that the truth.

[Rabrrrrrr]

3. Once a month is barely?

I beg to differ, and laugh at that suggestion.

Not to make you feel bad, but come on, man, you're in your 30s and you're getting once a month? It might not be "frequent", but it ain't no barely.

I would call that a pretty healthy sex life, so long as that's all both of you want. In fact, the frequency is irrelevant - what's relevant is whether you both agree that's an okay amount. And also relevenat would be if you found her sexually unattractive.

[RetroLounge]

4. Sorry, but I'm in my 40's

and once a month IS barely.

RL

[Shell Beau]

33. Most couples

have sex at least 2-3 times a week. That is the average. But sex drives differ depending on the person. So, what may be normal for one person isn't for another. :shrug:

[cssmall]

48. Since we've got a daughter, two or three times a week is a wet dream.

:rofl: Sex is so rare right now because we're exhausted. If he can't handle once a month. . . then I'm not too sure about marriage for them.

[bearfan454]

39. Once a month aint shit.

That's nothing.

[Egalitariat]

50. I tend to agree****

nm

[Egalitariat]

51. I tend to agree****

nm

[sendero]

5. No...

... no way, no how. What the eff are you thinking?

Neither of you will be happy. A soulmate is great, but a soulmate wrapped in a fuckmate is infinitely better.

[Jack_Dawson]

6. LOL

I guess I'm holding out for a soulmate wrapped in a fuckmate. Do those exist?

[Pale Blue Dot]

22. YES.

Find her.

[SarahB]

23. I was going to answer this one too!

My circadian rhythm wouldn't let me sleep and I was tossing and turning. :(

I don't want to be too blunt here with us (especially in terms of our love life), but we are continually amazed at how we just work in every facet together. There's no pushing another. There's no trying. It just is. It's like we see the light and there's no going back to the darkness we lived in before. Nothing compares.



:loveya:

[Pale Blue Dot]

24. Did we mention we're both in our thirties?

Note to JackDawson: sorry we hijacked your thread. But let me just say again that I made your mistake and it's a bad idea. Hold out for the woman your can feel everything with. I found mine, and I'm nothing special. You'll find yours.

And as for you, Sarah, tell your circadian rhythm that you have to be ready for me by 8PM tomorrow and go to sleep!! I love you!!! :loveya:

[sendero]

27. Absolutely...

.. I found one, but it did take a while :)

[lildreamer316]

29. HELL yes!!

and I found one just in time...I'm 32; he's 28. Yum.

[Bassic]

31. Soulmates are better.

If the frequency of sex doesen't bother you too much, I say go for it.

If it does bother you, talk to her about it, the way you describe her, it's worth giving it a shot.

[RetroLounge]

46. Hell Yes!

I married her...

RL

[Blue_Tires]

64. i could use one of those as well

oh well, the search goes on

[raptor_rider]

7. Woah, Don't do it!

Look at what you just wrote:
"but I feel no desire.
For some reason I feel the physical attraction for women I barely know."

Yes you can love someone and "get" each other, however there are other needs to a relationship. Yes, once a month is barely. Twice a week is barely to me (however, married myself and I am lucky in that aspect. more like 5-6 is good.)

My best friend's brother married a woman that he "loved" and 3 months into the marriage, it was annulled, because of that fact. He felt like he was sleeping with his sister and only loved her like a sister. The woman he married was crushed afterwards.

I say take a good look at her and yourself and ask if you could live in a relationship with no desire.

Good Luck in what you decide.

[Jack_Dawson]

8. Great Post

Thanks, RR.

:beer:

[raptor_rider]

11. Anytime JD

Just be truthful to her and to yourself!

Think I will have a shot of that! :beer:

[Wapsie B]

16. I agree.

You hit so close to home there. Love is more than sex of course. But if the two people are both physically able to have sex but the desire's not there it's not a good relationship.


Belated welcome to DU!

[raptor_rider]

34. Thank's

for the welcome!!

[Floogeldy]

9. Possibly

Perhaps the two of you should watch some porn together and get all lathered up. Sex is a mysterious thing.

I can't believe that I just typed that.

B-)

[Jack_Dawson]

10. Porn's good...

Don't know about being "lathered up" :-p

[leftofthedial]

12. I'm not the one to ask

but I'd say (if you did ask), that it's never a good idea to get married.

[Jack_Dawson]

13. Did marriage turn your flag upside-down?

:shrug:

[JackDragna]

20. Amen to that.

Finally, someone besides me who listens to reason. :) Still, if the guy's gonna get married, he better find someone he has a spark for.

[Jack_Dawson]

53. So you were married once?

:shrug:

[Laelth]

14. Sexuality is very, very complicated.

Personally, I'm very needy. I want to feel desired and intimately attached (childhood scars, you know). For me, once-a-month is way too little, and I'm in my late thirties.

But advice? Not from me. It's all way to individualized and each relationship is unique. People are all just too wierd and wacky (in a good way) for any universal rules to apply.

-Laelth

[Rowdyboy]

15. Are both of you happy? Different people have different sex drives....

Everyones needs and desires are differrent. I've been with my partner 17 years (we're both in our 50's). We're intimate once or twice a week and its way, way better than when we first met.

If you're happy, its a good idea. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it". However. if you're unhappy, dissatisfied, unsettled or just plain horny, you should do something. Start by talking to her and think romance. It works for us.

[SarahB]

17. Probably not.

If sex is an important part of your relationship that is. For some people, it isn't a big deal. They're less sexual, possibly sort of asexual and there's nothing wrong with that if your partner is compatible. If you are into things more frequent (or just different in some way) and she is on a totally different wavelength, it will be a continued source of stress in your marriage. Likely, it will become even less frequent. How does every 2-3 months sound? Or even less? Can you live with every day wanting this woman physically and she can't feel it back? How will that make you feel after awhile?

I have known too many men (and some women) who have had partners like this. Ultimately, it rotted away at their own feelings of self worth and either they ended up doing something they shouldn't have or ended up shutting that part of themselves off so much that little was left.

If you can be happy as this is, then you should, but if you think it will improve, likely it won't happen. I hope things work out in some way. This stuff is rough. :hug:

Edit: I just realized this post was about you not being attracted to her so much? I don't get it. Have you ever had a relationship with someone you want sexually or is sex something that feels more right when it's "naughty" in terms of less emotions connected with it?

I suppose my main question would be more for her. Is SHE ok with this? Personally, I need a man who loves me, respects me, can talk to me for hours (and listen), and is so lust filled that he wants to rip my clothes off every time he looks at me. If I didn't do it for my partner, I really wouldn't want to continue myself. :shrug:

[TransitJohn]

18. I would say no.

The single most important predictor in the sustainability of a relationship is sexual compatability, IMOHO. Plus, if you're heeding those ol' genetic urges to spread the seed far and wide, well, just think long and hard about it.

[JackDragna]

19. Dump her. Now. Do NOT wait.

I don't want to sound cruel, but this will be a creeping, continuous problem in your marriage. Do not listen to people who tell you once a month is good for your 30's. You will continue to be a sexually active adult way beyond your 30's and once a month is distressingly low. People do not get married simply to have someone to talk to (and if they do, they usually get divorced soon after). Save yourself, and your partner, a number of wasted years and countless agony by cutting off the relationship. The sooner, the better for both of you.

[Pale Blue Dot]

21. Bad idea.

I feel that true love incorporates EVERYTHING: intellectual, emotional, and sexual attraction. If you leave any one of these out you are going to eventually go searching for it someplace else.

If you really love her, get some counseling, either on your own or the two of you. Figure out how to "want" her, or why you can't.

This relationship WILL fail in the end otherwise.

[radwriter0555]

25. Well it's probably not a good idea then. You'd be very likely to find

someone to whom your sexually attracted to and end up with divorce, etc.

That said, why not just leave things as they are? Enjoy what you have for the moment and don't engage the social pressures that say you must marry.

Different people provide us with different things in our lives for different reasons. Apparently you need her for who she is right now, and most likely that will eventually change. Just don't lead her on and into thinking marriage is an option at the moment.

And talk to her about it. I hope she's not waiting for you to marry her and all that?

[Jack_Dawson]

55. 12/05: marriage deadline

according to her. And I don't really blame her...she's a couple years older and wants kids, etc. I'm just not sure and I've met too many people who say "you'll just know" and I don't feel that way (right now).

Sigh.

[serryjw]

73. Speaking as a middle age woman whom

was in a 12 year sex less relationship ( I loved him but SEX was totally unimportant to him).....DON'T DO IT!!! There is a difference B/T having a GREAT friend an a partner whom you want to share your life with..A healthy sex life is part of that relationship. You are being pressured because she wants to have kids. That is understandable BUT IF you are having sex once a month NOW, wait until after the kids are born and it will be ONCE a year! Passion is a wonderful thing. We are the only species that makes love....Don't give that up for anyone.

[Kat45]

74. Wow, serryjw! I feel like I'm looking in a mirror when I read your post!

Except mine lasted 13 years. (Fortunately, he and I are very good friends now; unfortunately, it's much harder to meet men now than it was back then.) I agree with the advice you're giving.

[serryjw]

75. Sorry to hear you can relate

It's nice that you are good friends but that all you should have been back then. Yes, it is MUCH harder to meet men now, especially LIBERAL ones!
Namaste

[babyk]

26. i agree with the first reply

don't look here for answers because lust has nothing to do with love.

[LostinVA]

28. I've been there -- Do NOT do it!

Keep her as a friend -- salvage that while you still can. The other path leads to bitterness, emotional depression, and loneliness in a situation where you're not alone. You'll lose a good friend. Do NOT do it. Trust me.

Is sex the only thing? No. But it is important, and it is a great barometer for the emotional intimacy of a relationship.

I'm female, btw.

[NewJeffCT]

30. If you have to ask here

then, it's probably not a good idea to get married. Marriage should be something you don't have to ask about.

[jmm]

32. Ok, I've got to ask this

Do you really think it's a good idea to marry someone you aren't attracted to? Forget about your situation, would you suggest it to anybody that you care about? Granted I've never been married and I do believe there should be more to marriage than sex but without desire you can never successfully be more than her friend. Do you believe she would want to marry you knowing you don't desire her? Even if she did chances are excellent that the two of you would eventually feel unfulfilled and destroy what could've been a great, albeit platonic, relationship.

[Jack_Dawson]

56. But what about when you're OLD?

Certainly 70-year olds don't "desire" each other. Isn't friendship the important thing at that point?

:shrug:

[jmm]

69. I'm guessing you never watched the Golden Girls

They were the original Sex In the City if you made the cast 30 years older and moved them to Miami in the 80's. I'm only 25 so I can't speak for 70 year olds but I think some of them do "desire" each other. And if they have problems acting on it there's a multi-billion dollar industry devoted to helping them.

Of course I see friendship as an important and arguably the most important part of a relationship but the main reason I asked you if you would recommend marrying someone you don't desire or if she would want to marry you knowing how you feel is because many people tend to have lower standards for themselves. Can you honestly say you wouldn't want better for a loved one than to see them married to a person they are not physically attracted to? Do you not believe she deserves more? At the very least please tell this woman how you really feel so she can know the full picture before making any relationship decisions with you.

[MissMillie]

35. If you want sex more often,...

maybe you need to find someone more compatible.

But honestly, getting married isn't about sex, it's about sharing your life. Sex is only a small part of that.

I would be much more worried if you didn't talk often enough, or laugh together often enough, or play often enough.

[China_cat]

36. If you have to ask,

you already know that the answer is no.

[bearfan454]

37. Don't do it if there is no desire

Almost ready to get married or a newlywed should want to do it 3 or more times a day. It slows down years later. Way down.

[leftofthedial]

40. Stay friends

that's special and can survive.

Find someone else to have sex with.

[Jack_Dawson]

57. So...cheat or break up and have sex w/ others?

[leftofthedial]

60. have a heart-to-heart

be official best friends

and then go put your pecker to good use elsewhere

[bleedingheart]

41. If you have any reservations at all...then don't marry

[nini]

42. do you have desires for others?

Is it her or in general? Yu don't reallly have to answer this here.. just food for thought and I'm sure you realize why I am asking.

If you're talking specifically about her then I would say you two are better off friends than spouses. Down the line a sex life is not as important in the marriage but you shouldn't start out that way.


Good luck.

[Nikia]

43. Couple of questions

1. Have you been together for quite a while, like a few years or more? Were you more attracted to her at the beginning of the relationship? If so is this because she changed in her appearance or other aspects or did you just lose interest? What I am getting at is that some people seem to be more attracted to the new.
2. Why do you only have sex once a month? Is it because that you are not interested and don't initiate? Are you turning her down? Is she turning you down? Is she unhappy with the infrequency of sex? Are you unhappy with the infrequency of sex? Does she seem to be attracted to you in that way?
3. What does she want out of the relationship? Does she want to get married? Does she lean towards romance or friendship?
4. If you got married, would you be able to remain faithful despite attraction to others and infrequent sex? Would you resent being faithful?
5. Would she be open to an open marriage if you feel that you could not be sexually faithful without resentful?
6. If you decided that you would be better off as friends, would she be alright with that? Would it hurt the platonic part of your relationship?
These are all things to consider in making your decision. In some cultures, close relationships between platonic friends, even opposite sexed ones, are recognized. Unfortunately in this culture we tend to lean away from these and not really believe that they can be just platonic. If she is able to agree to a close platonic relationship without marriage, you might still have problems if you would want to pursue a relationship with someone else. Future girlfriends or wife might become jealous of your friendship and say that you are having an emotional affair. It is too bad things are like that.

[Jack_Dawson]

58. Awesome Post

Yes, major desire in the beginning. Yes, she's gained (a little) weight (throw things at me now). She lacks self-confidence, which I thought she had in the beginning. The only problem is sex...I love her to death in every other way. Just feel like I need to "be" w/ other women first. But those women I want nothing to deal w/ beyond that. I'm basically really fucked up. I guess I should've grown up in another culture, to which you refer. Thx though for your thoughtful post - I really appreciate it.

[diplomats]

63. This is a no-brainer.

Why would you want to marry somebody if you're not especially sexually attracted to her? Imagine if you got married, had a couple of kids and then decided it wasn't a fulfilling marriage and got divorced? Would you want to do that to children? You basically are thinking of yourself, not of her. In fairness, she deserves a man who loves and is attracted to her and you should release her so that she can find that person.

If you're attracted to other women then you are certainly not ready for marriage. A good marriage is based on mutual sexual attraction. If the sex in a marriage is good, it's just another part of marriage, albeit a good one. However, if the sex is bad or nonexistent, it becomes an overriding issue in the marriage and can destroy it.

Let her go so that you can each find a compatible and loving mate.

[NorthernSpy]

44. romance is scarcely any basis for a marriage

Marriages that last are based primarily on loyalty and cooperation between two people who share the same goals and values. All that other stuff is nice, certainly, but it's not really anything that one could base a life-long partnership on.

Whatever the case, only you can decide whether you can commit wholeheartedly to marriage with this person or not.

[edbermac]

45. Sure, go ahead, just don't let your girlfriend know about it...

;)

[Joey Liberal]

47. Visit the Bunny Ranch

That'll cure your ills:).............

[Jack_Dawson]

59. Is that in Vegas or Reno?

[Egalitariat]

Is once a month enough for you?***

nm

[Egalitariat]

49. Is once a month enough for you?***

nm

[La Lioness Priyanka]

52. umm i think that is ridiculous

even towards the end of my most significant relationship we were having more sex than that

i know i lost my best friend when our relationship ended...but i still dont think you should marry someone because you are afraid of losing your best friend

[SarahB]

68. Yes!

If you're a person who actually likes sex, it's one of the hardest things to let go. I found even with all our emotional issues, it was tough for me to shut off that part of me with my ex, even though I knew our marriage was ending. Eventually I had to because it hurt him, so I had to stop.

Marriage should be everything. There should be no questions or missing components. There should be an emotional, physical, and spiritual connection. There should be shared goals and values. There should be continual renewal and open lines of communication. If that's not there, marriage shouldn't happen.

[DawgHouse]

54. Bummer.

I would not want to be married to a man who felt no desire for me. Sorry I can't offer you any real advice. Hope things work out for you.

[skygazer]

61. Doesn't sound like a good idea to me

Sex isn't everything in a relationship but it's a big thing. And when you have enough doubt to post a question about it on a message board, I'd call that a pretty big red flag.

[Justpat]

62. No. It is a terrible idea.

Without intimacy a relationship is not likely to hold together
through the test of time and those rough patches that all relationships go through.

I would look for someone you "get" with a greater degree of
passion.

[AccessGranted]

65. Here is how you decide

Seriously think about what is more important to you in a relationship. I'm not talking about superficial things, I'm talking about the guts of a relationship. This may take some soul-searching, which is sometimes difficult to do. So often we don't really know what we want in a relationship because we are too blinded about what we "think" a relationship should be or because we lose sight of who we are and what we really want by trying to be too accepting of things we really don't like about the other person.

What is important to you - not just today, but for the rest of your life? Put your list in order of importance. If this woman who you say is your best friend and "gets you" fits most of what you want, then you have your answer.

But let's keep it real. Sex and attraction is important in a relationship although it's not everything. That intimacy plays a major part in creating a powerful bond and keeping it. You have quite a decision to make.

Take this from somebody who knows not so much what constitutes a great relationship, but I know what makes a relationship fail. I've been married and divorced a few times and I know a thing or two about a thing or two if you know what I mean.

It may sound a bit corny, but let your heart guide you. Don't rely on your mind because it can sometimes deceive you and most definitely don't rely on your hormones and your well....uhhh....you know.....because one day you may be an old man with no hormones and if she loves you now she will love then.

[Chemical Bill]

66. its'a good idea to get...

therapy. I mean that in a nice way.

quote:For some reason I feel the physical attraction for women I barely know. Help.

[tjdee]

67. She gave you a DEADLINE? Danger Will Robinson, danger!!

I read your original post with skepticism, then stopped at the post where you wrote that her deadline is 12/05.

Aww, hell naw!

Why would she give up a "soulmate" relationship just because you haven't proposed? Does that make any kind of sense to you?

If you were supposed to marry her, you'd WANT to marry her. You wouldn't have to be corralled into it with some kind of bullshit deadline. You could probably make it work for a while, but with what you've told us, there may be a sexual affair or god forbid a love affair.

This is my hugest pet peeve, OY! You don't marry someone because they have a deadline or because you feel like you should. It's like asking for trouble.

[LisaL]

72. The woman wants to have children.

Makes sense to me.

[tjdee]

77. They have to get married to have children?

Also, so she's basically saying she'll have *anyone's* children, they don't necessarily have to be his--and she wants them now.

Sounds like true love, not!

They should definitely not get married, the more I think about it.

[Awsi Dooger]

70. Did Erika Hill of CNN get married?

Just wondering. Not entirely relevant to this thread, I realize, but it's just that she seemed so bubbly and happy in late spring and early summer. They were saying she was about to be married. I got back from a long summer trip and now she never smiles.

[LisaL]

71. Well, if she never smiles, she must have gotten married then.

:evilgrin:

[darkenedhalo]

76. Once a month?

If that suits both of you then its cool. That seems awfully low to me though.

[ForrestGump]

78. No

Once a month? Try once every two or three or four or five years, and then try never, 'cos that's where you're likely to end up if you start out with this baseline. Sex isn't everything -- I'd long since be dead if it was -- but it's important in more ways than the obvious.

Quite apart from that, your statement that you feel no desire tells me that there's no way you should marry her. Keep her as a good friend...they can be hard to find and you don't have to divorce them.

[Kailassa]

79. No Way

If you're not particularly attracted to her now, do you think being told to stick it in cos it's time to make a baby is going to help? If she's going to make a deadline for marriage because she wants to have babies soon, you're going to be under an obligation to do it at the right time of the month. And to be starting a family when you don't even enjoy the baby-making part ...

And how long before She notices that you get excited looking at other women and porn, it's just Her that doesn't excite you? Have you any idea what torture it can be for a woman, married to a man who doesn't desire her? Women need to love and know they're loved to thrive and glow, and a women will not long believe she's loved if it's only other women that light your fire.