"Post ONLY the punchline to a joke" thread

[derby378]

I'll start with an example:

At that point, Bush turned around and dropped his trousers, and Karl Rove's head popped out of Bush's backside and yelled, "THE ARISTOCRATS!"

OK, your turn - just don't piss off the moderators, please. :evilgrin:

[kmla]

1. "Crushed Nuts? Nope - broke my leg!"

[AllegroRondo]

2. "the viola burns longer"

[bertha katzenengel]

10. LOL

Love that joke.

[Lisa]

109. or another possibility: "the viola holds more beer"

[CanuckAmok]

3. Forget that, help me find my car keys and we can *drive* out of here!

n/t

[atomic-fly]

4. "because they're so darned stupid!"

[KyndCulture]

5. Jesus George put the fucking cornflakes back in the box.

[CanuckAmok]

6. Really? I'd feel sorrier for the elephant!

n/t

[CanuckAmok]

7. Fuck you, clown!

[Az]

37. HA! Someone else knows that joke!

[Az]

38. Doh

[bertha katzenengel]

8. Good! Got any duck food?

[Patiod]

9. "No talk to sheep! Sheep no talk!!!"

My all-time favorite joke.

[DS1]

11. FIRE!

[Arkansas Granny]

12. And the next day the headline read:

Naked man killed in train tunnel.

(Edited for spelling)

[KFC]

13. Rectum? It nearly killed him!

[Egalitariat]

87. I always laugh at that one****

nm

[Egalitariat]

88. I always laugh at that one****

nm

[arwalden]

14. So the 1-legged jockey says, don't worry about me lady, I ride SIDESADDLE!

[toey]

15. you make me hard

[regularguy]

16. Bass Solo!!!!!!!

[CBGLuthier]

17. He only takes tips.

[Beausoir]

18. He passed his brother on the velt.

[ContraBass Black]

19. It dis-ast-er.

[A HERETIC I AM]

20. "Ya think they'd remember me as McTavish the breakwater builder?"

Naay.....But ya bugger ONE goat"

[Book Lover]

21. "Not with my viola di gamba you don't!"

[Canadian Socialist]

22. Mum's on the roof, and we can't get her down /nt

[Gormy Cuss]

23. People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

[many a good man]

24. You think YOU'VE got it bad???

Every night he stuffs me in a black plastic gargage bag, buries me in a deep dark moist hole, and makes me do push-ups till I throw up!

[flowomo]

25. "Duh, can you SEE Florida?"

[flowomo]

26. And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the tree....

[Kire]

27. He was a salted.

[seemunkee]

28. spit it out, its a piece of ass

from a joke posted here a few days ago

[Crazy Guggenheim]

29. Hey. I'm not going through 67 more of these.

[jane_pippin]

30. You're ugly, too.

[El Fuego]

31. And the Invisible Man says, "I don't know, but my ass sure hurts."

[WeRQ4U]

32. "RECTUM?? Damn near KILLED 'em.!!!"

I love that punchline. I don't even KNOW the joke.

[AllegroRondo]

33. "I don't care what you pack for, as long as you're gone when I get home!"

[wallwriter]

71. I heard it as "I don't care, just get the f*** out!"

[wallwriter]

73. Iceberg, Goldberg. Same thing.

[WeRQ4U]

34. "I'm not going to garlge with that water after she puts her butt in it."

[Az]

35. Thats a niknak paddy whack! Give the frog a lone!

[Tafiti]

36. Forget the water...

...just give us some more of that delicious corn!

[Az]

39. A talking dog!?!?

[Az]

40. Last thing I remember was I was naked and hiding in a refrigerator

[derby378]

41. But when he bent over, the other two bells went off.

[Az]

42. You wear shoes to jump on a viola

[Az]

43. Same as in town, 4 bucks.

[democracyindanger]

44. ...and that's how a chimp became President.

[Doctor_J]

45. No, but the guy before you was

[Az]

55. Thats disgusting!

:rofl:

[Doctor_J]

60. yes, it is

thank you very much. I won't be posting the joke that goes with it.

[Az]

46. Two cats stuck in a tree (possibly the first joke I ever heard)

[A HERETIC I AM]

47. "I'ma figure, if he can-a fuck, he can-a fly!"

[taterguy]

48. What's this "we" shit white man? n/t

[gmoney]

49. "Bofus?"

:evilgrin:

[gmoney]

50. "Hey Tiger, what's par on this hole anyway?"

:evilgrin:

[gmoney]

51. "...he only THINKS he's Bono."

Sorry Bono

[mitchum]

52. "No! No! It's ice cream!"

that poor penguin

[gmoney]

53. "Are you here to golf, or to screw around?"

:evilgrin:

[Az]

54. Him riding my bicycle.

[ZombieNixon]

56. ...and the pilot says "I could toss those three out the window right now

and make a hundred million people shit their pants in joy!"

[mainegreen]

Magic dildo my ass! Ouch!

Its a dirty joke. :evilgrin:

[Az]

57. Not screaming like his passnegers were.

[Az]

58. Hey! My brother could be coming the other way.

[Az]

59. The other three are imaginary.

[Az]

61. Well by definition half the people are dumber than that.

[Az]

62. Last thing I saw was this monkey trying to put the cork back in.

[Az]

63. With all this horse manuer there has to be a horse around here somewhere!

[Az]

64. If you are happy in a steaming pile of manure, keep your mouth shut.

[Sub Atomic]

65. I'm got my bike outside.

[Az]

66. Thats not my dog.

[derby378]

67. "DEATH BY BONGA-BONGA!!"

[Hand]

69. Dang! Ya beat me to it!

Except I remember it as "DEATH BY WONGA WONGA!!!"
:hi:

[derby378]

84. "Bonga-Bonga" is the way I first heard the joke...

...some 20 years ago on a Dallas FM station.

[Hand]

115. Bonga-bonga, wonga-wonga...

Iceberg, Goldberg...
:rofl:

[DarienComp]

68. So, the Indian sayeth "That was no antelope, but rather my squaw!"

Nay, but seriously, brethren...


(apologies to B. Kliban)

[KitchenWitch]

70. "It's useless to argue with Ole when he's been drinking."

[KyndCulture]

74. I knew Ole and Lena would show up sooner or later .... LOL

:hi: fellow minnesotan!

[KitchenWitch]

77. Yah shure, You betcha!

:rofl:

[no name no slogan]

91. That's different

Somebody had the courage to post an Ole and Lena joke! :woohoo:

[KitchenWitch]

127. Being in Minnesota, those are the only jokes I remember!

:bounce:

[KyndCulture]

72. Hey Peter I can see your house from here..

[Lilyhoney]

75. ...because they always look for the little black box.

:rofl:

[BlueJazz]

76. Well..you could eat a bowling-ball if you had to...

[Bombero1956]

79. "No Ma'am,

your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."

[Kire]

78. Eggs.

[ContraBass Black]

80. Those that know binary, and those that don't.

[TroubleMan]

81. You think I asked for a 12 inch PIANIST??

nt.

[nickgutierrez]

82. Dammit, you beat me to the Aristocrats joke.

:(

[CaliforniaPeggy]

83. Diddle I say kiddley? nt

[blockhead]

85. "why do you ask , Two Dogs Fucking" ?

[TroubleMan]

104. or the alternate, "Why do you ask Squirrel Taking A Shit?"

nt.

[derby378]

86. "Well, uh...you got an orange?"

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

89. No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?

[RetroLounge]

90. Well, if I'm gonna be impotent, I'm gonna look impotent

RL

[no name no slogan]

92. No, it says "Welcome To Jamaica Mon, Have A Nice Day"

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

93. Yeah, and you never told me your dad was a pharmacist!

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

94. We're not too welcome at the grocery store, either.

[Az]

95. Shutup or you'll wake your father up

[TroubleMan]

102. Mommy!!! Mommy!!

LOL...I forgot all about those jokes. I haven't heard them since grade school.

[Az]

96. Shutup or I'll nail your other foot to the floor

[Az]

97. Shutup and comb your face

[Az]

98. Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

[GreatCaesarsGhost]

99. shut up! and keep digging..

[UrbScotty]

100. "Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States" (nt)

[neuvocat]

101. Oh yeah? How about I take you out to lunch sometime?

[lutefisk]

103. Don't put all your Basques in one exit. n/t

[TroubleMan]

105. Your daughter's pregnant, your wife's got aids, your dog's dying, and if..

you don't stop jacking off, that elbow's never gonna get better.

[TroubleMan]

106. "Rosy, go to room 14 - the dead one's full again."

nt.

[Malikshah]

107. My country tis of thee... or.... If the foo shits, wear it.

[Lisa]

108. "Twenty gallons, and some people are still siphoning."

[RPM]

110. stick a 2x4 up your ass and you can go as a fudgcicle

:evilgrin: not a nice joke...

[Az]

111. Strap a 2x4 to your ass so you don't fall in

[Ksec]

112. Dont laugh, this is your girlfreinds pink shirt Im wearing

[rateyes]

113. Then the flea said, "no, I'm not there anymore...

I'm back in Willie Nelson's beard.

[TroubleMan]

114. "No, but I am old enough to have cancer"

nt.

[Hand]

116. "Okay. You're ugly, too." nt

[TroubleMan]

117. Because Reagan's always fucking up.

nt.

[Jeff In Milwaukee]

118. What? Dimaggio?

[TroubleMan]

119. "You feed the dog; I'll feed the fish."

nt

[TroubleMan]

120. One "blue" this way, the other "blue" that way.

nt.

[derby378]

121. "...and it looked so good, I ATE IT MYSELF!"

[Scout1071]

122. I call it "the Aristocrats!"

[derby378]

123. "There were two all-beef Pattys, Special Ross, Lester G...

...picking bunions on the Sesame Street bus!!"

[alarcojon]

124. How many people is a brazillion?

[MrBenchley]

125. Holy shit! They stole my girlfriend too!

[ironflange]

126. So the dog says,

"This is the first time I had any money!"

[laylah]

128. A taffy pull at

Peter's house, not a peter pull at Taffy's house! :rofl:

[laylah]

129. Well ya dummy

it's me!

[laylah]

130. Well sh*t!

This one's barefoot also!

[SpiralHawk]

131. "That's the beer that made Mel Famie walk us."

as if you couldn't guess...

[Liberalynn]

132. "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Onlooker]

133. because they can

[Gormy Cuss]

134. Mom's on the roof.

[Evergreen Emerald]

135. And when I woke up my pillow was gone!

[bbernardini]

136. "Arrrrr, and it's drivin' me nuts!"

[bbernardini]

137. "No, it's a hickory daquiri, Doc."

[texas1928]

138. I raised it's tail and said "honey, this looks like yours"

:rofl: