Need help finding a book! Something not good going down

[Whoa_Nelly]

Within the last year have heard my DIL tell my g-daughter, age 3, that she's "fat", "chunky", "overweight", needs to go on a diet". The other day when she told the little one she was fat and needed to go on a diet, I said, with a smile on my face while also giving positive attention to my g-daughter, "She's muscular (which she is), and I bet she's getting ready to shoot up again." I tried to come across in the nicest way possible, but 1) I seriously doubt my DIL got the message that it's not OK to talk to your daughter that way, in fact it's dangerous in regard to the creation her self-image, and 2) my DIL, as sweet as she can be, resents me whenever I offer advice (which I rarely do), even if she has solicited my advice. I try to make it come across as an offering of advice rather then seeming didactic.

Anyway, would like to find a book that I can leave with her when I move away in a couple of months that helps explain that what she says to her daughter can positive or negative, and how to know the difference.

ANYONE??? Would so appreciate any help in being pointed to books that are worth looking into. Have looked around the Internet, but the ones I find are about mothers and teen daughters re: body image.

THX in advance :hi:

[Rabrrrrrr]

1. She won't read it. Or if she does read it, she'll say "I follow all

this stuff alreday".

Send letters to the daughter; gonna be up to you, not her mother, to reinforce her good body image.

Good luck! Parents like this batshit woman can be awful.

I am going to go out on a limb and make a prediction: even though she keeps saying the daughter has to go on a diet or lose weight, she's never bothered to change the way she cooks, the food she serves, and how she serves it, has she?

[Whoa_Nelly]

4. Actually, she will read it

The one thing she will do is read books I offer or leave for her. I think she takes less personal stance re: me offering advice v. reading it for herself.

And my DIL is not a batshit woman. I love her very much, but I also know she is projecting her feelings about her body image onto her daughter. She has been trying to change the foods she offers my g-daughter, and has been successful. And she has been re-reading some books on kid nutrition I gave to her when my g-daughter was born a little over three years ago. As for the family diet, both she and my son have made some great changes recently in going for the more natural v. pre-cooked/food or restaurant food for their family meal daily choices.

The main thing am concerned about are the messages she is sending my g-daughter re: body image. Have already made a point of telling both of them point blank that it's not even cute to call your kid a brat or any other derogatory names when they did that. However, lately, it's apparently created a lot of friction between my son and DIL if I offer any advice, even when they solicit it from me. I think somehow it translates into her belief that I view her as an incompetent mother. I don't view her that way at all, but so it sometimes goes between MIL and DIL, and she acts nice to my face then takes it out on my son. She just had another baby, so I know that can create a lot of stress, and I really don't take it personally. But, I am concerned that she needs more info re: using positive messages with my g-daughter.

If only being a parent came with intructions...:sigh:

[Rabrrrrrr]

6. I'm glad I was wrong!

I hope you are right.

[KyndCulture]

2. This one is good solid advice about self esteem...

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/0440506611.01._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-dp-500-arrow,TopRight,45,-64_AA240_SH20_SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpg

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0440506611/102-6416193-4500927?v=glance

[Whoa_Nelly]

5. Awesome!

Thanks so much KyndCulture! I remember seeing that book recently...am glad you jogged my memory :)

[miss_kitty]

3. What about your son?

can you talk to him about it? Maybe contact the girl's pediatrician (on the sly) express your concerns and enlist his/her help?

You've made your feelings known to the DIL. I don't think she's sweet, and continuing on with pointing out her shortcomings as a parent to her will only cause friction and may get you banned, or at least severely restricted as an influence in your granddaughter's life. And it sounds like she's going to need a loving grandparent in her life...

[Whoa_Nelly]

7. I think you missed something here

I have NOT been pointing out her shortcomings...as you put it. What I see is someone who needs some more information re: what we say to our children DOES make a difference in their view about themselves.

I have never been negative to or with my DIL re: my g-daughter with the exception of one time when both son and DIL continued calling my g-daughter a brat, which they thought was a cute thing to say. As for having my son's intervention, that just won't happen. If I tried that, would only create friction between my son and me.

I know my DIL well enough to know she will read a book I leave for her. Meanwhile, I will always be the supportive grandma whenever I can from wherever I am, be it near by or far, as it soon will be when I move out of state.

[miss_kitty]

8. If she resents it when you offer advice,

in her mind, she thinks you are pointing out her shortcomings, ie telling her she's wrong.

I didn't mean you are actually pointing out her shortcomings-I realise I did not make that clear.

[Whoa_Nelly]

10. Thanks...I misunderstood you :)

And you are correct re: she views it as criticsm of her rather than my sharing info, even when asked for advice.

[BlueIris]

9. Holy shit. I would have book suggestions, but I'm too boggled by

the content of your post. I just, what your DIL is doing is so horrible. I just--you're a better woman than I am--I would have fried DIL by now. I--my brain isn't working right now. I may have to PM you later.

[Whoa_Nelly]

12. Please do PM if you have books to recommend or...?

I wish I could speak up, but I hesitate because I don't want to drive a wedge between myself and her with that wedge creating distance in being able to participate in my g-daughter's life. As things stand with my son, although he is in late 20s, he still sometimes does the ol' knee-jerk by responding like a teenager and I'm just the mother-who-knows-nothing-about-real-life. So, I keep my distance in regard to being the interfering-mother-in-law; Even if he knows he's wrong, his first loyalty is to his wife.

[Kire]

11. don't offer advice

just punch her in the mouth next time she does it

[Whoa_Nelly]

13. LOL

Yeah, that'll keep me on the Xmas card list :rofl:

[Kire]

14. what's more important?

Christmas cards now, or a scarred child forever?