I know I'm not the only one here 'stuck'

[ForrestGump]

In more ways than one, actually. But what I'm specifically thinking of is the situation in which I both yearn for the whole love-sex-companionship thing and recoil a tad at the thought of again having to adapt to having someone else around and changing to accommodate. Sure, it's easy to say that no change is necessary, let alone a feeling that I'd have some woman holding me accountable for things and making demands that I'd rather not deal with, but I'd respond that even I recognize that some degree of compromise is inevitable and essential when two people live with each other. I cherish freedom, the freedom and identity that I felt were essentially stolen from me during my marriage, but freedom can be a lonely thing.

I really miss all that love and relationship stuff, sometimes, and I want it rather keenly. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever have it. Not infrequently I ponder whether I should ever have it, or if I am one who is not ever meant to be in any sustainable romantic relationship. That's not feeling sorry for myself -- that's easy, too, in this respect -- but actual questioning the old saying (or lie) that there's someone for everyone. Maybe some of us are meant to be alone (acknowledging here that few people are truly ever alone in some important ways) and so free that it hurts.

It doesn't help that I'm a die-hard romantic -- of the Quixotic kind, but with a seemingly contrary wide strip of cynicism about the whole thing that's growing by the year -- and very passionate in many ways. I dearly want to meet someone who'll be there with me in the intimate moments and in the everyday moments and really...well, I don't know...it sounds kind of trite, but I'm not sure I've felt everything that is love, yet. It's hard to tell. I know it can be good. Maybe not perfect, but better than many things. John Lennon said some good stuff about it, anyway, so it can't all be bad. And children would be good, one day.

Not meaning to get especially mushy here, but it's the contradiction that's really eating at me now. I want all that good stuff but the thought of it is not just scary -- natural, I guess, after being deprived for so long and remaining both celibate and increasingly bachelor-like in my stream-of-consciousness living style -- but discomfiting in a more subtle way. I've always had hermitic tendencies, and being a recluse in my off hours is just fine with me...except when it's not, when the little cave that I live in begins to close in around me and I realize how far I am from home and how alone I am, at least in the immediate sense. Being able to live alone and be independent is important to me -- undoubtedly contributing to fear of both intimacy and commitment relative to women -- but sometimes there's just too much of a good thing.

Really, perhaps the most logical course here is for me to go see a prostitute. I mean, I want companionship and sometimes I just want the naughty bits but I'm apparently right now a little afraid of or wary of the rest of it, so why not go hire a professional companion? It's legal near here, after all. The thing is that, apart from the fiscal reality in play, I just couldn't do that. As a result of my job as a sex symbol, I've had a good many opportunities, some graphically described in my ear, to spend the night with a woman (or even with two women, a prospect that scared me absolutely Rumsfeldless). It's not like part of me (and I'm not just talking about that part) doesn't want to. But I haven't. Not yet. I really don't know if I could, at least for a good while yet, because I've just got this feeling that I want the dispatching of my second virginity to be a bit on the 'special' side. And not 'special' as in two women at the same time: "Dear Penthouse...I never thought this would happen to me..." I'm one of those poor fools who pretty much has to actually feel something in the heart before I feel something with other parts of my anatomy, anyway. And, as far as prostitutes are concerned, I admit that not only do I likely have some innate aversion to the idea of paying for it (nor am I comfortable with the idea of the woman working in this field, though I'm kind of ambivalent about the morality of the issue) but I confess that I am convinced that if anyone's getting paid there it should be me...hey, just passing on what I've been told. :-)

By the way, I can see the truth in what I hear of many models, actresses, and other women whose physical beauty stands out in our collective minds...that they're never asked out because people are either intimidated or assume they're already spoken for. Now, I may not be the most gorgeous male out there, or the most physically perfect, but the nature of my current gig has a great many women riled up (for real, or happily pretending to be so --and Vegas does bring out these things, for sure) and physiologically primed in response to my overall look and sound and the person that I am representing, but at the end of the day I go home alone and stay that way until I am again flying a false flag as an ersatz rock sex god. I'm sure that some people, especially on seeing some of the reactions I provoke, assume that I'd never want for carnal fun, but they'd be dead wrong. In my case, though, it's me who gets intimidated when women proposition me and I manage to talk my way out of what could arguably be a very good time (or, literally, at the end of the day slip out the back door) in favor of solitude. Anyone up for a rousing rendition of Neil Diamond's "Solitary Man"?

I've heard of this thing lately called "friends with benefits." Sounds ideal, in some ways, at least for a while. But can you still really be friends after? Probably, but maybe not. Shoot, I don't know. I think I'm gonna watch When Harry Met Sally now, in search of enlightenment. Regardless, I know very few people hereabouts, outside of work, and I don't go out (never was even remotely into clubs, bars, etc, and it's the very last thing I want to do after an intense day in the Elvis persona), so my prospects for finding a compatible, mutual-attraction, benefit-sharing female friend currently appear lower than whale sh**.

Anyway, that's enough of that raving on. I know for sure that there are more than a few male DUers who feel pretty much exactly the same and I suspect that the number of females here who feel the same or similar (not too many gigolos around these days, so I'm not sure how the prostitute scenario translates) is comparable. Kind of a dilemma, to want love and all it entails but to both fear those same things and turn down opportunities to dispel the loneliness, even if that loneliness is only occasional and the opportunities just for a night or two. You start feeling better by telling yourself that love sucks, that love is pain, and that you hate love (its effects,anyway) and then you get some night like I've been having the last few days. Weeks. Months. Years.

We should start a club.

[darkenedhalo]

1. I just started a new relationship

and its the best thing in the world. Every moment is better than the one before and life is looking good for me now. Sure ive had some miserable failures over the years but if you don't ask the answer is always no.

[hfojvt]

2. "If a man is to love a woman, without ever looking at his love as folly

she must die while he is courting her." George Eliot

[ForrestGump]

6. Yeah, but "if you don't ask,

the answer is always no." -- darkenedhalo

:D

I like that one a lot.

[hfojvt]

8. except is just ain't so

My little brother has dated four women and is married to one of them now nineteen years without ever having asked a woman out. I would sorta paraphrase Twain - "it is better to keep silent and think you will be rejected than to open your mouth to ask a woman out and have it proven to you." If you do not reach for the cheese in a rat trap, you will never get any cheese, but you will also never get your fingers whacked.

[ForrestGump]

11. Ah, the old debate

Is it really better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

For most of my life I was one who never loved at all (well, loved plenty, but I was the master of unrequited love...often if only because the lovee had no clue as to my feelings) so I figured that loving and losing was a better idea. Not sure if marriage cured me of that opinion, but it sure made me more cautious.

In practice, I've thus far stuck to the plan that you mention: never asking, just waiting, and letting stuff happen. The end result is that not much happened. Worse, when I WAS asked (in various ways, up to and including a physical expression of interest that nobody on the planet, even Pat Robertson, could have missed but that went right over my head) I invariably managed to either remain blissfully clueless or otherwise miss my opportunity while it was still golden. In the process of such, I discovered that these things don't remain golden for long and that what was hot can quickly turn frigid cold if the perception is that it was ignored or shunned.

I've not only never asked anyone out -- female friends don't count in this respect -- but have never even been on a real date. I don't think I even could go on a 'date' now...I honestly have no hands-on idea of what one is and it just sounds like some kind of hellish nightmare to me. If I'm going to remain hands-off and not proactive, I'd better be prepared for a long wait, and I'm pretty much waited too long already. Besides, some people I've come to know have told me that they were at first a bit hesitant to approach me because I seemed aloof or even arrogant...

When (I'm assuming not 'if') I am ready to get back up on that horse, I might have to steel myself to follow the alternate plan...or, at the very least, deploy my growing powers of flirtation (actually, turns out I was always adept at it but just had no idea that I was or when the woman was responding...duh) and not, for once, miss the opportunity when and if it arises.

It's easier, and debatedly more 'cool,' to remain detached, but my experience suggests that it's too easy for you to get just that: detached. I've got a lot of years of that -- almost my whole life, thus far -- to make up for. Ironic that I always liked girls better and more easily than did the other boys when I was a kid and yet it's me who missed out on it all for so long, and now again for too long.

[Kenneth ken]

13. I'll vote for

the better to have loved and lost team.

I can tell you what a real date is - spending time with a woman in whatever way you both want to spend time. So when you think you want to get ready to date, think about how you'd like to spend the first through third dates, and then you will know what you want to ask the woman. If your idea of a first date appeals to her, she will be inclined to say yes; if not, she will be averse. That will serve a useful guide to finding someone. At the end of the first date, invite her for what you envision as the second date, and that will guide you further toward selecting a good match.

Might be a good idea to let her decide on the activity of the third date though, and just see how well it conforms to what you had thought up.

Alternatively, once you have in mind what you would enjoy for a first date, you might just toss out the idea informally in conversation, and accept an invite for that sort of thing from a woman who is keen on the idea.

[ForrestGump]

16. I recently saw the movie, "Hitch,"

about a man who helps other men start relationships. I'm having flashbacks to it now. :D

The way you explain the concept of the 'date,' well, even I can understand it. The 'traditional' kind of date is what's feaking me out, I guess, because it's not in-line with who I am -- and if a woman can't handle doing something that IS more in line with who I am then it's not likely to be a match made in heaven, anyway, right? Of course, you're right in that it goes both ways. I like your strategy and the evaluation régime that goes with it. Still sounds a bit scary, I must say, but I guess I've reached the conclusion that ANYTHING along these lines is going to be scary to me these days. I mean, I've lately been kissed by more women than ever in my life -- heck, I've even seen the bare breasts of more women than ever before in my life, just in the last few months -- but none of that's real (well, some of the breasts probably were).

The only thing is that I'm not coming up with anything to do on this hypothetical date. Egad! I have so many interests to choose from, but I guess I've just been consumed for too long by a life that revolves around just about nothing but work of various descriptions. Seems to me that maybe it's something that'd best flow from whenever and wherever that first encounter is:

"Oh, YOU'VE been wanting to get a tattoo of Billy Idol on your chest, too? What a coincidence. Wanna go there together, tomorrow? Besides, it'll give me a chance to check out your boobies."

Dammit. I am destined to remain alone... :-(


I must admit, your last sentence is probably the idea that sounds most like me. Makes it all lower-risk and easier to dance around or modify -- kind of a nod to the "just sit back and wait for her to ask" school of thought, but with actual action on my part (and, improving on my prior non-experiences, awareness). I realize that a REALLY good approach would be to remain open to meeting a woman at some club or other venue for people with shared interests, though I've been so flat-out at work that I literally haven't had time or energy for anything like that. If I did, it'd be martial arts, and there's not a WHOLE lot of single women in the schools I've been part of, so the odds of a love connection diminish even though I have no problem with the possibility that she may be able to kick my behind rather consistently.

I guess I could meet a woman who just likes Elvis a lot, but so far all I've had from that side is a ton of over-the-top flirting by people who're leaving town the next day and the aforementioned kissing and flashing and that sort of thing. Not really interested in that, even though some would point out that I'm perhaps a beggar who shouldn't be choosing. It's not that I mind being flashed or fondled (or made to fondle) -- quite the contrary, in fact, being that it's more action than I've otherwise had in a very long time -- but the fact is that they then leave and get kissed and fondled by someone who isn't me. Wonders never cease, though, do they? There's hope yet!

Thanks for the enlightenment, my fellow astronaut!

[ForrestGump]

5. Great news

And thanks for adding further proof that it's possible. I'm not really at the point of being demoralized by a failed relationship, exactly, so much as at the point where it all seems too late already, like I'm somehow now just too far gone. But I know, intellectually, that's not true -- the whole "riding the bicycle" thing, right?

Enjoy each and every moment! :-)

[Kenneth ken]

3. well

I never wanted the kids, and I don't have the sex god gig thing, but apart from those things, I do pretty much understand what you're saying.

Some times I think a one-night stand kind of thing would be useful, but I have had a few of those, and they left me feeling less-than-fond of myself - like I took advantage of the woman, even though it was probably a mutual taking-advantage-of. So I don't do that any more.

I had a friends-with-benefits kind of thing once; or an affair with a woman who was already involved. I didn't mind so much when the sex stopped, but it hurt a lot that she took the friend away too.

I don't have any answers; like you I am pondering the question and getting through the days and nights until I come to a decision.

:hi:

[ForrestGump]

7. Not feeling particular paternal pangs,

but I think I'd be a good father and I kinda want to give it a try. And being a sex-god I (albeit an imitative one) is, at least in my experience, pretty unsexy...I mean, it can be a real boost to the old ego and confidence level, and outright fun, but at the end of the day I just go home by myself. You're not missing much, in that respect, and who says you're not a sex god, anyway?!

Sounds like we're almost twins...





Here's how this particular movie should end for sex gods such as ourselves:

[Kenneth ken]

10. no one

I said I don't have the sex-god GIG. :7

I think another way we're different is that I live near my family, so I get to play the role of good uncle to a number of nieces and nephews. That's enough to satisfy all my paternal instincts, so I'm set in that area.

I think that sooner or later I'm going to have to accept that the only atisfactory resolution to this dilemma is to put my best foot forward, and make the effort to find someone and/or open myself up to letting her find me.

For me, making a relationship work will entail conquering a ghost or two, and learning to believe that what I bring to the relationship is equal to what I take from it.

Love truly is the most important thing; it's how we share what we've learned as we stumble through this world; it's the ultimate reward for the striving and effort we make.

The duality of life has knocked into me any number of times. I'm starting to pay attention to and maybe understand it. I'm trying anyway. I'm looking for a tidy phrase to express accepting the hurt and pain and bumps and bruises of life and love, and how it's important to throw love back at those things, because that is what defeats them - but I'm failing at the tidy phrase aspect, so you'll have to work that out for yourself. :)

[ForrestGump]

12. What you said

Except for the neices and nephews close at hand. Mine aren't even in the same country. :-)

I guess that the time is right when the time is right. Looks like we're both at a somewhat similar point in terms of growing frustration (not the word I was looking for, but it'll do) over the way it is and that seems to me a first necessary step back toward, as you say, getting ready to find her or be found by her. If life's a Bill Murray movie, we're babystepping toward romantic love. Of course, it seems to me that happiness starts at home first, and I know I've got a few real-world issues potentially standing between me and utter personal bliss, but nothing that can't be dealt with in the light of her presence, whoever she may be.

You're right -- brutal though the campaigns in its name (eros-style love, anyway) may be, love is the best of all of us.

I think Dr Winston O'Boogie said it really well:

Love is real
Real is love
Love is feeling
Feeling love,
Love is wanting to be loved
Love is touch
Touch is love
Love is reaching
Reaching love
Love is asking to be loved
Love is you
You and me
Love is knowing
We can be
Love is free
Free is love
Love is living
Living love
Love is needing to be loved


Of course, some say love is all about a permanently naked cartoon couple, but the good thing about love is that we don't all have to agree on it.

And I'm going to be working on that phrase, now -- I know what you mean, but nothing cogent leaps to mind for me, either. :-)

[Kenneth ken]

15. here's a question for you:

What holds you back from love?

Fear certainly; but which particular fear?

For me, it is fear of disappointing her. I know how badly I can be hurt; I also know I have survived that. I hate in myself that I've hurt others. That's the thing I don't want to do again.

I haven't figured out how to dangle the promise of love, without dangling the promise of love before I know the love exists.

Love and infatuation are sometimes hard to tell apart early on. :scared:

[ForrestGump]

18. Maybe love and infatuation are the same thing at the very beginning,

but one has the staying power that the other doesn't. Trouble is that sometimes people do crazy things, like get married (and not just the Vegas marriage, the "oops, I did it again" Britney kind), before they realized they were running a sprint rather than a marathon. Scary. I'd like to think I'd be cautious -- I've arguably been too cautious for a number of years now -- but I also know how powerful infatuation (or is it love?) can be. Makes a man, or a woman, do all sorts of crazy stuff. Powerful thing, it is. Like a drunk driver believing that they have control over themselves or their vehicle when the reality is that their baseline's drifted off the map.

What's holding me back? Yeah, it probably boils down to fear. Not unjustified, it could be said, given that it's hardly adaptive behavior to keep repeating a behavior after having been kicked in the face for it several times before. Not the fear that you have, or not fear for that reason, at least. I've got things to work on if I want a successful relationship but Im know what they are and open communication is vital from the start.

Actually, I'm not sure that I can identify or describe what I fear right now...it's just there, as a nameless bogeyman. Or bogeywoman, maybe. Probably more simple fear of being hurt than of hurting, though, but I know there's more to it than that. Growing fear of commitment, I'm sure. And fear of losing myself again -- that one and the commitment one should be largely irrelevant if the person is right, I know, but what if she isn't? How do we necessarily know until it's perhaps already too late? Eek...I don't know the real nature of what's holding me up, but I suspect this little collection is the tip of an iceberg. But I'm heartened by the fact that icebergs can melt to oblivion rather nicely in the face of sustained warmth...

[Kenneth ken]

21. part of the reason I asked

was because in this thread, thinking about this topic, I asked myself, and found my own answer.

If someone had asked me yesterday, my answer would have been a lot closer to your response above, though at one level I've known for a while that my fear was a part of what holds me back. In this thread I've concluded that is the only valid thing holding me back.

Your post about dating made me stop and think about that, and I like the answer I came up with, so that isn't in my way any longer - it only took actually addressing it as a question to find my solution.

Thank you for that.

And now I need to go off and do Sunday.

:hi: and have a terrific day!

[ForrestGump]

23. Cool! And thanks!

Maybe I'll find my answers tomorrow, then. Oh, shewt...it is tomorrow. Looks like I forgot to sleep again. Oh well, maybe the answers will come to me on Monday. :-)

I like your answer to the whole dating quandary, too. It helps somewhat...I suppose that if we don't feel at ease, it's not right. So we might as well start it all off by making it no more terrifying than it needs to be.

Nothing to fear but fear itself, right?

Have a most bodacious day!

[LaurenG]

4. I think you should look around you

and find someone like you. Someone who is quiet and peaceful like you are. Stretch yourself a bit, your someone is out there somewhere. Really, woman want to have relationships with others. Having something in common is a great start. :)

My hushand and I are great friends, we started out that way and continue to be. We also have a great deal in common. :hi:

[ForrestGump]

9. Thank you

Yes, friends is definitely the foundation for happiness, I think. Sometimes there are other X-factors, though...for sure, I was better off staying friends with my ex-wife, with whom I now get along really well with most of the time. But if I'm ever in any long-term relationship again it's going to have to start with a strong foundation in true friendship and an ability to empathize with and help each other in every way. I have lots of female friends and feel a bazillion times more at ease with women than I did in my female-deprived youth, so that helps. I'm going to have to be more open and demonstrative, too, even though the walls I built around my heart and my inner self were ones built in direct response to being open and getting hurt, and got thicker with every hurt. But friends is great as a start to a happy relationship. I've got some great role models in that respect, and now you've just given me another!

Anyway, this funk of mine is based on self-defeating attributes or behaviors in that I'm not really 'looking.' I'm a big proponent of the idea that things you want very often only come after you stop looking for them -- seen that one proven a few too many times -- but the fact is that, if I found the perfect person and the perfect feeling right now, I don't know if I'd run toward her or away from her. That's the part that's frustrating and that's got me feeling 'stuck.' That stuckiness is, really, all of my own making.

And, like Ken up above, I don't think I'd benefit much from one-night stands...for sure, messing around with short-term tourists to Vegas and especially with the more obviously libidinous among my audience is unlikely to do much to mollify the real problem. For that matter, a lot of the women living here in Vegas tend to have an agenda not compatible with mine, given that it's a place that attracts a good many people who're interested just in getting hold of lots of money. There're some really mercenary ladies out there in this city, compared with others I know, but that still leaves quite a few thousand available women who live here full-time and who might be hoping for someone like me as much as I'm hoping for someone like them. So choice isn't really a problem even in my immediate neighborhood. I'd definitely rather be in my situation than be a woman looking for a good man -- not just here in Vegas, but just about anywhere.

You're right -- when I am ready, when I'm open to actually receive and share the things that I very much want , I'm probably going to have to venture outside my ever-contracting comfort zone. I say "probably" because I wouldn't be the first to find a match when eyes meet across a mound of broccoli in the supermarket one night. :-)

[SpiralHawk]

14. Join a bowling league

totally.

You will meet Your Soulmate. Undoubtedly.



(Actually, thanks for the Relationship Ramble -- thinking, emoting out loud. I have been in similar spaces at points along the pathway of the psyche. Good luck.)


P.S. Actually, bowling isn't the worst idea in the world. I go at least once a year, well, maybe once every two years. Like mini-golf, bowling is a way to observe Interesting Facets of someone you are interested in getting to know. It opens up windows of perception that are often otherwise shut.

[ForrestGump]

17. Thanks! I've actually thought about that

No, really! Just as a generally fun idea. I never bowled in my life until a year ago and have only done it a few times since, but I kinda liked it. I seemed to be good at it, too, I'm guessing because of all my martial-arts training (hand-eye coordination, balance, timing, and all that kind of thing). I got a bunch of turkeys on my first night, whatever they are...three strikes in a row? Actually, my last outing suggests that -- as is often the case -- I'm getting worse at it as I gain more experience and listen to people tell me how I should be doing it (I basically walk up and then suddenly drop to one or both knees as I release the ball...I'm sure I'm not the only person who does that, but it does seem at odds with everyone else I've yet seen). Anyway, I have really enjoyed my few nights out and it's way cheaper here in Vegas than it was in California. I even have my own ball, now, though I've yet to use it. Surprisingly good exercise, too...well it is, at least, when you do a James Brown on every release.

I like it. My good girl friend (as opposed to girlfriend) and I have before pondered the possibility of joining a league. The main problem I have is time. Might be a worthy thing, though, even beyond the whole hope of meeting someone special.

Those shoes, though...zounds but they are atrociously ugly devices!

P.S.: by bowling opening up "interesting facets of someone you are interested in" you didn't mean....no...of course not.....it's just that, well, I've seen what happens when women in skirts do the whole bowling thing, and....um...never mind. :P

[SpiralHawk]

22. Bowling in skirts???

Actually, no, the lascivious possibilites had not crossed my mind until...but what the hey.

What I meant by getting to discover "Interesting Facets" of another person was the idea of competition. Even when its a friendly card game, or bowling, or mini-golf or whatever, it is always illuminating to see how people compete, and then how they deal with victory or defeat. One can learn a lot about other people that way.

[ForrestGump]

25. Well, it WAS an affluent area of Southern California, in a trendy alley

So they were barely skirts. :-)

Maybe I should wear a kilt, though my personal bowling style would ensure a chaste display at all times (b ut embarrassingly painful splinters, perhaps).

That's a really good point, though. It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game. How a person really is in such contexts is more important to me than it is to some people that I know, at least. Other contexts in which facades and 'making nice' might be dropped could be beneficial, too. Hmmm....

Thanks!

[ForrestGump]

19. Perhaps I should explain that all this was brought on by

the fiendish GOPisEvil stealing my lesbians, damn the man. That Texas carpetbagger has the unimitigated gall to travel to the East Coast to steal our fair California lesbians away from us...it's not just utterly despicable, it's geographically confusing.

What's the bet that he's got a T-shirt that says "All your lesbians are belong to us"?

Bastard.










I mean, I had it all figured out: I was going to be occasional roommate with NSMA and Misunderestimator and periodically be visited by wealthy ronnykmarshall, who nominally works as my secretary but who mostly hangs out with me to make fun of my world-class collection of Hawaiian shirts and boobie hats...sometimes he'd be accompanied by his dour but hilariously insightful Salvadorean maid, HEyHEY. It was perfect. Perfect. :-(

[Orsino]

20. Isolation.

"...I can see the truth in what I hear of many models, actresses, and other women whose physical beauty stands out in our collective minds...that they're never asked out because people are either intimidated or assume they're already spoken for...."

"Already spoken for" is not much of a barrier to being asked out; check with any attached woman. Intimidation is a factor, certainly, and may be the factor. If these celebrities were actually mixing with people as equals, and not hiding behind images, they would not lack for companionship. I have little sympathy for celebs, however, who relate to the real world mainly through agents, bodyguards and press releases. You live like that, you earn loneliness.

When you're one of the worlds Most Beautiful People, though, it takes courage to date anyone who's not, and indeed you are carefully shielded from meeting any such people. Those living in bubbles tend to mix only with other bubbles, and real human connections will therefore be rare.

[ForrestGump]

24. You're right about being married, or otherwise 'taken,' not being

much of a deterrent. I know plenty of women, my ex-wife included, for whom wearing a wedding ring resulted in all sorts of unwanted attention from would-be Lotharios. Same for me -- before I was married I never received the kind of female interest that I did once I was married. It was fundamentally unfair...where were they when I needed them? Where were they when I could do something about it?! Makes perfect, sense, actually, from an evolutionary point-of-view, but it still basically sucks.

The people I was talking about weren't so much widely-known 'celebrities' -- though I've heard the same complaint from some of them -- but just a few beautiful women who have a hard time finding a good man. They all hypothesize that too many good men are too afraid to approach them (oh, please, no...I just was struck with the question of whether I'd done it yet again and missed an expression of interest....but, no...there's just too fine a line between missing every cue and thinking every single thing is a cue, between cluelessness and rampant egocentrism...shoot...no way...I'm sure nobody was talking about me, but it sure does get tricky, this bidness) and -- um, what was I saying -- oh, yeah, and that the ones who do approach them are too often just plain icky. I'm no help, 'cos I'd be one of the silent ones who wouldn't approach...or, if I did, I'd do it in a kind of oblique way that thus far has inevitably earned me a few more passing friends and acquaintances but nothing more.

Someone needs to rescue the supermodels of this world. It's a tragedy.

[supernova]

26. Wow, I could have written that

..... from the female side.

Before I get too far into this, Forrest, you should really get a star and join the DU Loners Group. You'll find a lot of us are familiar there. We don't post every day, more like weekly (loners after all ;-) ), but most of what is posted resonates profoundly.

I have a job I enjoy and yes, I enjoy being social there. For the first time in a long time, most of my coworkers are acknowledged sane people. The wacky one telecommutes and never comes in. :-) I hope it lasts, though. I have a new team lead, and I may have to be even more "out" than I have gotten used to being there. I don't know if I can manage that.

Socially, I rarely enjoy noisy bars, or concerts, the normal hookup venues in our culture. Sometimes I enjoy those things, but not enough for it to be a regular habit. There's no "Supernova's Hangout," unless you want to count my house. I've begun experimenting with hosting my own parties and such this year. I've never done that before. I'll see how it goes. I'm gearing up for a Halloween party. I mostly prefer movies, museums, or the symphony, or lately cooking demos and wine tastings at the local gourmet shop. Those are all fun. They all have noise and stimulation levels I can tolerate. See? Even my entertainment choices limit the number of people I meet.

I too am a hermit by nature. And it does have me wondering if I can be in a relationship. In our culture, most men prefer an outgoing woman, so it appears to me. I'm not. Any man who wanted to hang around me would have be be satisfied with, or at least understanding and accepting of, my loner ways. My ex constantly needed attention, which I couldn't give. Yes, he had/has "issues." And yes, I realize that might not be a fair assessment of a mentally healthy person. By the end, I mostly wanted to kill him.

Oh, I've done the "fuck buddy" thing. It was ultimately not for me. It was empty. It was kind like opening up my very own porn novel. But really, I can get all the porn I want and not have to deal with the mess... or the awkwardness of picking up my clothes and leaving just after. I'm presenting holding out for true intimacy. That will be the only way any guy will ever see the fullest of that expression in me. Even if, ultimately I don't find it, I don't want to settle, either. In that respect, I'd definitely rather be alone.

Mostly my problem is I can't judge whether a new someone would potentially be healthy for me to be around. I've fooled myself before. I am stupid about men. :shrug: There, I said it. So, more often than not, I walk away before anyone gets too close. A repeat performance of that disaster called my "marriage" would be devastating to me. I honestly have no idea if I missed someone good or not in my single years since. Even now nine years out, I'm only recently sure I can reliably spot a guy who is a great and trustable friend, let alone a potential romantic partner. So yes, part of this process has been learning to hone and trust my judgment about the opposite sex again.

While I can say I'm reasonably content now, true happiness is hard for me to find. At least my life is calm and works where it didn't before. For that, I am truly grateful. And maybe that's all there is.

I enjoy being on my own most of the time. I'm quite happy and capable of amusing myself. But sometimes, there are just certain things that take two people. Not just sex, but different things that need doing around the house too. Owning a home, I've been forced to admit that it's tough to impossible to do certain things myself: landscaping and yardwork, painting. Stuff that takes muscle and energy, which I lack. The thought of doing those things alone tires me just thinking about it. Plus, there's no one to coo over me when I'm sick. No one to bring me tea or go to the pharmacy in the middle of the night. Just simple sharing the day to day really, would be a wonderful gift.

[ForrestGump]

27. And I could have slept while you wrote it, darn it

:-)

Oh, I lost my star in the last round, I guess. Might have to get a replacement. The Loner's Group sounds like my kinda place.

You are, indeed, the female me...or I'm the male you. I probably get out even less, though, and what I'm doing here leaves me both pretty much drained and determinedly asocial (always was, but being an uber-social kinda person in performance mode has me really seeking to hide out when I'm offstage).

Really, I know exactly what you mean in everything you wrote. I bet that the odds are really good that I'd find that particular kind of buddy thing less than totally satisfying, too...for one, I could too easily see myself wanting more than was on the table, or perhaps her wanting more than I could or would give. And being alone has a lot of good aspects...but, yeah, even with practicalities aside, sometimes it's just nice to have someone beside you for things large and small.

You never know what time will reveal, or what will come with a new season... :hug:

[supernova]

28. Well, I make myself get out there

and mix it up with the other life forms. If left to my own devices, I'd devolve into a primordial goo. :D

I've learned the value of achieving a certain balance between the two Mes, public and private. That balance is different for every one. Only you can tell what that is for you. Don't let anybody tell you anything different. And I know you won't.

That's why I do political work and this week, I'm going to the local cable access channel to learn how to run TV/video equipment. That should be fun.

[tjdee]

32. Bringing the tea!! Oh how I dream of someone to bring the tea!!

I actually had a dream the other night that Shahrukh Khan brought me some chai (Indian style tea) he made, and I cried. In my dream. :eyes:

I'm not a crier in real life, really, so that dream was disturbing on a number of levels, LOL!

But the day to day things would be nice.

[supernova]

33. He is very good looking

I haven't been aware of him before. I haven't watched a lot of Bollywood movies, but they do seem like fun. :-)

I'm the same way with the crying. I do cry, but I'm mostly embarrassed by it in front of others. So he would have to be extra special for me to let him see me crying.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

29. I can relate to much of what you say

I've been in relationships of varying lengths, but never married.

I did some dating this summer, partly through personals, but none of it ever went anywhere, because at my age, I know pretty well what I want, and anyone who doesn't fit the template (or isn't compelling enough to overcome my template) doesn't seem worth the trouble of rearranging my life.

All that figurative "kissing of frogs" is emotional tiresome, and Im inclined not to do any more personals dating.

I, too, have found that sex just for the purpose of having sex is not satisfying. I definitely need the emotional attachment.

Now I've been attracted to married men, but actually doing anything about that attraction is an absolute no-no for me. On the other hand, most of the attractive offers I've gotten lately have been from men who are either married or living with someone, which is quite frustrating.

[SOteric]

30. I gotta compromise?!

Oh crap. x(

[tjdee]

31. Ooh, can I be the one in pink?

I hear ya.

For me, though, I find so many reasons that a relationship would be bad right now--then at times I feel so very alone in the world and realize it's not that I'm choosing to be this way really, as there aren't any interesting possibilities in my town/life.

The idea of dating makes me kind of ill. I think I almost got picked up by a very cute 18 year old (I'm about 10 years older than that) and I was so flustered I wondered who the immature one was!

I also have a kid though, and that makes it all the more headache inducing. I could find a guy to sleep with, but I'm just not like that. I want the whole shebang. I want a Bollywood movie I think, and there's no getting more unrealistic than that. Actually you can, and I've heard of it happening to other people. It's just not happening *to me*. And then I get a headache.

So I go back and forth between waiting for that, and feeling like maybe I'm just going to be an old woman living with 12 cats, so get used to it.

:shrug:
But if I get to wear fab pink threads....