Dear Noisy Fuckers:

[Shadowen]

(This is a copy of a letter I will be putting in my upstairs neighbours' mailbox.)

Cut it out. You have a tendency to make loud obnoxious sex when I'm trying to sleep. I'm not saying don't fuck, but please, think of your neighbours. Especially me.

Some potential solutions:

1) Stop fucking. Not really an option, I assume.

2) Fuck somewhere else. I was coming back from buying groceries the other day and heard a couple in the backseat of their car as I crossed the street.

3) Gag play. The rubber ones; unless you put the cloth gag inside the mouth it doesn't really do anything to muffle sound.

4) Change the time of your loud obnoxious sex. I don't really mind it except when I'm trying to sleep and have work in the morning; I've noticed you tend to do it in the wee hours of the morn. This is a problem. If you were to take a tumble when the night was still relatively young, it wouldn't be so bad.

5) Invite me to join you. Maybe I wouldn't be so crabby about it if I were getting some myself. And you know what they say: two heads are better than one.

Thank you.


Sincerely,
The guy whose apartment is directly beneath your bed

[zanne]

1. Other people's sex....

Disgusting and obscene.

[ForrestGump]

2. Well, sure, if

one of them is Paris Hilton.



EDIT to add: ...and it probably is.

[arwalden]

6. Groan.

[miss_kitty]

3. I've had a few noisy fuckers live upstairs from me

I tell them to their face.

"Hey! I heard you fucking yesterday a 4:23 in the afternoon. The wife's quite a screamer, isn't she?"

"Hey you only lasted 5 minutes last night. Don't worry. It happens to everyone from time to time. If it keeps happening though-you might want to check with a doctor. Or maybe your GF is so hot-well in that case, think about taking out the garbage or baseball. That's what I tell my BFs to do, anyway."

The looks I have gotten-Priceless!

[HeeBGBz]

4. Maybe I should move to your neighborhood

Sounds like everybody is boinking like bunnies.

Nice letter, btw.

[BuelahWitch]

5. Used to have a couple living above me

and the woman would scream out about every 30-45 seconds. I could wear earplugs and it didnt' bother me, but always scared the shit out of my cat, who would then pounce on me and wake me up x( One night I yelled, "Hey, come down here and give me some of that big, hard wang!"

Don't know if that's what did it, but they moved out not long after...

[arwalden]

7. What Bothers You More... The Noise Or The Fact That It's "Sex-Noise"?

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

8. Life imitating art:

http://www.somethingpositive.net/sp08012005.shtml

[jayctravis]

9. Some pointers for people on the scond floor.

I used to live below a couple...and boy were they into it.

1. Do it in a different room. Most apartments have the bedrooms stacked up and if you're doing it when people sleep, they more than likely will be right below and score you in the morning like the Olympic judges.

2. Furniture placement. If you have hardwood floors, put down some nonskid doomaflitchies to keep the bed from moving and squeaking across it. Move the bed away from walls or anything you might strike.

3. Furniture maintenence. Tighten the screws if you have a metal bed. Get a new mattress if the one you have sounds like a porch swing.

4. If you're going to continually shout "Ay, Papi!" and spank each other all over the room causing wreckage, confine these sessions to early evening so it's not so noticeable when everyone's asleep.

[skygazer]

10. I hate apartment living

And if I lived in one, I'd probably be on the receiving end of one of those letters. :blush:

[dxstone]

11. Sounds like you've got a nasty infection of demons to me...

Either that, or possibly some of

Dick Cheney's Hideous Mutant Clones

If it's just people fucking, call the Sex Police!
d

[LisaL]

12. Have you given it to them yet? Posting this on a message board

won't do you any good, you know.
:evilgrin: