The Bible: It's what's for Dinner

[Tallison]

On my way home from work today while scanning stations the tuner briefly landed on DC area station 105.1, and within the 3-second pause I learned of concerned fundies' fears regarding a so-called "growing crisis" in developing countries: Bible famine. I learned that Bible shortage disproportionately afflicts the poorest, most malnourished nations, and that $4 will buy at least 10.

So how many calories do you figure the Bible actually contains?

[jeff30997]

1. Bible famine ?

Bwaaahahahahahahaaa!

[Dave Reynolds]

2. I dunno about the calories,

but I am relatively certain the Bible is fat-free and low in sodium.

[Tallison]

3. The lack of protein makes me skeptical

But I guess it depends on how you prepare it :shrug:

[WCGreen]

10. Once you get past Lot,,,,,,

The rest is relatively salt free.....

[IChing]

15. yes the sodium was giving me a heart problems in that chapter.

Now if you want some good meaty sections

read David's Love letters.

[WCGreen]

18. No sex in the Bible.... Nada.... Nothing... No mention.....

[IChing]

19. ABIGAIL AND DAVID

ABIGAIL AND DAVID

Young David is an outlaw, running from Israel's King Saul, when he first meets Abigail. Though "beautiful" and intelligent ("of good understanding"), Abigail is married to a "churlish" rancher named Nabal. David and his men are on their way to kill Nabal for refusing to provision David's gang ("Who," Nabal wanted to know, "is David?"), when Abigail comes out to meet David with provisions and apologies. She tells David to disregard Nabal, whose name means "fool" in Hebrew. "As his name is," says Abigail, "so is he; Nabal is his name, and folly is with him." She adds that God will surely make David king of Israel, and she asks that David "remember thine handmaid" when that time comes.
Her words please David, who tells Abigail, "Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me," for had Abigail not interceded, there would not be a single man--"any that pisseth against the wall," as the outlaw puts it--left alive at Nabal's place.

When Abigail's fool of a husband soon dies anyway, David, saying "Blessed be the Lord," can't wait to send the widow a marriage proposal, and Abigail can't wait to accept: we are told that she "hasted, and arose, and rode upon an ass . . . and became (David's) wife." Abigail bears David a son, who is named either Chileab (2 Sam. 3:3) or Daniel (1 Chr. 3:1).

David also has a sister named Abigail, whose husband is named either Ithra the Israelite (2 Sam. 17:25) or Jether the Ishmaelite (1 Chr. 2:17). To appreciate how we know of this marriage, one must first understand that there are no words in biblical Hebrew specifically for husband and wife (see MARRIAGE). That a man and a woman are married must therefore be determined by context. (Abigail the widow becomes David's "woman" , in context meaning wife.) 2 Sam. 17:25 employs a unique way of providing context: Ithra (aka Jether), we are simply told, is the man who "went in to Abigail." (The Hebrew verb bo is translated "went in to"; see LOVEMAKING: TO KNOW IN THE BIBLICAL SENSE.) (1 Sam. 25:5-42) (On to DAVID AND MICHAL)

http://atheism.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.hobrad.com%2Fand.htm

[WCGreen]

25. I love it.....

Yea, the bible is the true word.......

[IChing]

27. Yeah, they fooled around but Damn, I only read the dirty parts.

Wait, they said it's food right?
Bible?
I need some bread or food.
or both.
What's this about violins on TV?

Oh, never-mind.

[RedCloud]

40. I think the more pornographic chapters were weeded out...

A lot like these talk show hosts who use sex to get famous ratings, then forget all about that when they reach the top.

I don't mean organized chapters either, just crap thrown together...

[Dave Reynolds]

24. But the big pillar intake,

could raise blood pressures to dangerous levels.

[WCGreen]

26. Well, it does bring about instances of incest...

[RedCloud]

41. You mean like Cain and Abel? Where were their ladies????

[WCGreen]

46. Lot and his daughters.......

They cared a lot for there Father Lot...

And had him not, in an unbiblical way....

[youthere]

4. Hard to figure...

since I roll mine in cornflakes and fry it.:evilgrin:

[Dave Reynolds]

5. HEATHEN!!!

Only roll it in cracker crumbs, so sayeth the Book of FryDaddy!

[Tallison]

7. Yummy, holy, and economical!

Or is that "ecumenical"?

In any case, one cracker-crumbed chicken-fried Bible could possibly feed an entire village...

:eyes:

[Dave Reynolds]

9. But,

if you give a village a Bible, you feed them for a day.

Teach a village to ......

Oh wait, that won't work...

[Tallison]

13. Teach a village to write a Bible?

Then you just get Mormonism.

[youthere]

16. Nah...the cracker crumbs get soggy in the gravy.

MMM..fried bible with gospel gravy.

[Dave Reynolds]

23. And as a tasty side dish,

holy rollin' dumplings.

[youthere]

43. Oh I love those...tasty but fattening!

[Briarius]

6. at least it's high in fiber!

:evilgrin:

[Tallison]

11. Sure, if you eat the covers

It's all consistent. Jesus must have said something about wasteth not...

[Orsino]

8. Fewer than a Diet of Worms. n/t

[Sannum]

12. that must be full of carbs

Like chinese food...you eat it, and an hour and a half later you are hungry again:9

[Tallison]

14. Except for Leviticus

All that red meat :9

[Guy Fawkes]

17. A bagel's worth. Trust me...

I've been on the bible-4-breakfast diet.

Edit: did you mean new-testament, too?

[LaraMN]

20. I dunno-- they can have one of the half-dozen I stole from motel rooms.

What I ever thought I was going to do with them remains a mystery. They've been in a box for about ten years. :shrug:

[donco6]

21. Remember that South Park episode?

Starvin' Marvin? Jeez. What a bunch of dildos.

[Tallison]

47. Dildos? Bibles?

I feel scandalized.

[Initech]

22. What kind of sauce do you use for a Bible? Special sauce?

And how do you prepare the Bible? On medium for 10 minutes?

[Tallison]

48. Only the specialist sauce

[NMMNG]

28. If they would only concentrate on living the words of the Bible

Instead of forcing it on other people, the world would be a much better place. :eyes:

[hickman1937]

31. Bingo. Especially the New Testament.

Gandhi was closer to Jesus than Pope Jerrypat. The problem with the New Testament is that it interferes with the accumulation of wealth.

[NMMNG]

33. There are also over 100 verses in the Bible that say to help the poor

They don't want to do that :eyes:

[hickman1937]

34. I just said this in another thread, but there are christians,

who are pseudo-jews, all old testament all the time, but without Talmud, and then there are Christians. Most Dem's are the living embodiment of Jesus whether they worship a tree or life or thunder.

[NMMNG]

35. Indeed

The freeper/fundie sort are all Leviticus and no Luke, yet they call themselves Christians. Their God is full of wrath and vengance and completely unforgiving. They hardly ever mention Jesus, because he is too much a liberal for them. They call liberals atheists and denouce them as un-Christian, when all the time the behavior of the liberals (even the agnostic and atheist ones) is significantly more "Christian" than anything they are doing.

[MrScorpio]

29. Time to throw another Bible on the Barbie

Sounds great with barbecue sauce

[Tallison]

44. LMAO. Would Tandoori count?

[CanuckAmok]

30. Is it Kosher?

[indigo32]

42. ROTFLMAO

[Fox Mulder]

32. Mmmmm...New International Version...

*drool*

:P

[skoppa]

36. I just got a free bible from some guy on the street today.

I have no problem giving it to them. :-)

[Tallison]

39. Welcome to DU!

Honestly, I consider myself Christian (Catholic - and a very pro-choice one at that), but fundamentalists' loss of touch regarding real-world need and priority interventions never ceases to amaze me. There's a time and place for religious dialogue, and that's after a person's basic food-shelter-clothing needs are met. And they have to be seeking, asking. Evangelism is the imposition of that dialogue onto someone who's not asking. Handing me a Bible on the street doesn't offend me so much as a guy offering a hungry person a meal on the condition they sit through a pitch. The latter, to me, is ethically repugnant.

[bliss_eternal]

37. May I just say your subject title is making me lmao!!!

I just heard the whole commercial in my head, 'The Bible, it's What's For Dinner,' complete with that music and everything.

:rofl: :bounce: :rofl: :bounce: :rofl:

[Graf Orlok]

38. I'd eat it...except...

I'd probably burn.

[Tallison]

45. Hell, you'd burn anyway

Enjoy! :D