What can you do to comfort a friend who's wife has miscarried?

[grace0418]

My dear friend and his wife lost their baby over the weekend. I know there is nothing you can do or say, really. And I know the first thing that comes to mind is to tell them if they need anything to call you. But most people won't call you. Most grieving people don't even know what they need.

I know better than to say anything stupid like "well, you can try again" or "it was only 12 weeks, you're probably not too attached"-- but other than saying "I'm so sorry," I'm at a complete loss. I see my friend every day (we carpool together) but I only see his wife when we get together socially about once a month or so. I want to acknowledge their loss and support them, but I don't want to add to their grief. Do any of you have any advice for what I *can* say or do? Have any of you lived through this awful experience and remembered something that someone said or did that really helped you get through it? Did you prefer to be just left alone or did you want to be distracted? Did you appreciate being asked about it at the time (or at a later date) or did you prefer the subject not be brought up? Did you prefer just getting a card and not having to talk about it at all?

Thanks in advance for your help.

[Shell Beau]

1. I went through a somewhat similar experience (ectopic pregnancy)

and there is really nothing you can say. Just that you are sorry for their pain and be there as their friend. :hug:

[grace0418]

23. Thanks

I'm sorry you experienced that.

[kick-ass-bob]

2. just sit there and listen.

Do not say, "it'll all work out. You'll be OK."

If anything, just say "that really sucks. I'm very sorry."

There are enough people in the world who will just do the former, which is kind of like invalidating their feelings. And those are feelings that are truly valid ones to have.

[clyrc]

3. "I'm so sorry" is fine

You have to take your clues from your friend after that. I had a miscarriage six months ago, and I can say that eventually I did want to talk about it a bit. It depends on the individual, but I didn't want to pretend that it never happened or that it wasn't a big deal.

[Orsino]

5. Yep. Express regret and offer kind, respectful attention.

No telling when a friend will need/want to talk it over. Just be available.

[grace0418]

24. Thanks, that helps a lot.

I'm sorry for your loss and I appreciate you sharing this with me.

[CBHagman]

4. A note is a good idea.

Yes, it is almost impossible to come up with something to say. Saying you are sorry is right thing to do, and so is expressing friendship towards them, whatever form it takes.

Couples vary as to how they handle this. I've seen people put off crying, people soldier through, and people grieve openly.

[grace0418]

25. It's delicate for sure.

Thanks.

[Arugula Latte]

31. "We're thinking of you" is always a good sentiment

without being too preachy or peppy or a downer ...

[Rabrrrrrr]

6. Take 'em a vat of soup or a casserole

Food, esp. comfort food, is always appropriate at a time of loss like that.

[rbnyc]

12. Yep! (nt)

[grace0418]

26. Good idea. I will do that.

I'm sure neither one of them wants to deal with cooking.

[auntAgonist]

7. lend an ear...

They have had a death in their family. Take a casserole over for dinner, be there if they need anything.

I miscarried many years ago and I wanted to talk about it. I wanted people to recognize my loss, our loss. I was at 4months.

just be a friend. What would you want?


aA

[grace0418]

27. I alternate. Sometimes I want to talk about it, sometimes I don't

want to talk at all. That's why it's so hard to read other people. But the advice I've gotten here has been so helpful. I'm sorry that you experienced this first hand.

[evlbstrd]

8. Words are insuffficient.

But meaningful, nonetheless. I agree with preparing a casserole or a meal for them. It's one less minor annoyance for them to worry about.

[grace0418]

9. Thanks. I suppose no one reacts the same way but it's

good to hear from all of you. I definitely have offered an ear, a shoulder, etc. but I want to make sure I'm a sensitive as possible.

[Metta]

10. Everything you say in your second paragraph, past the first line,

seems appropriate to say. Everything.

[grace0418]

28. Good point.

Thank you. I might just write that in a note.

[rbnyc]

11. As a woman who has miscarried...

...I say your instincts are right on. Also, you might want to send food, or a gift certificate that can be used for take-out or delivery. Or ask if there's anything you can help with, like going to the store or if they have other kids, picking them up from band practice, or what-have-you.

It's a very difficult, depressing things to go through. Not only because of the tragic thing that has happened, but because of the hormone adjustment. Cooking, cleaning, doing dishes, running errands...it can just be impossible, and the husband may not be able to pick up all the slack, especially since he is both grieving and caring for his wife who is recovering from a major medical event.

Also, ask if it's ok if you tell mutual friends, or if he wants help informing people. I asked a friend to tell my co-workers and the people I saw each day at the Deli, Laundry, etc, so that I could avoid as much as possible having people ask me how the baby was doing, or if we'd found out if it was a girl or boy yet.

It still happened, which was just horrific, but it happened far less frequently than if it had been up to my husband and I alone to inform people.

I preferred talking about it, but I have a friend who did not want to talk about it at all. Best thing to do is just ask and make yourself available.

You are very sweet.

[grace0418]

29. Thanks.

Yes, I wasn't realizing that the hormonal changes would be affecting her physically as well as all the emotional damage. Of course that makes sense, but it just didn't occur to me. Thank you. You are sweet to share your pain with me. I'm so sorry you had to experience it.

They don't have any other children and luckily my friend is a very enlightened dude so he cooks and cleans as much as she does, but I'm sure both of them will need a break. They were in the ER most of the weekend, mostly waiting for a doctor or waiting for test results, so they got no sleep at all on top of everything else. I told my friend I'd drive him home any time today if he wanted to leave (it's my week to drive) but so far he's holding up. He may have just wanted the distraction.

[rbnyc]

46. My friends in the Lounge helped me a lot.

Here's the thread my mom posted:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=56021

Related:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=43360

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=51018

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=53107

[Caoimhe]

13. We M/C in July of 2004 and I so appreciate hearing this...

I know better than to say anything stupid like "well, you can try again" or "it was only 12 weeks, you're probably not too attached"--

The problem with going through this is that you feel so alone. Everyone else seems to have effortless pregnancies. They don't have to work at getting pregnant. There is a feeling of "what is wrong with me?" and a certain level of resentment toward others who seem to just take their children for granted. The worst part for me was after miscarrying, I had to have a D&C and when I went for a followup to that, I was sitting alone in the waiting room at the OB/GYN and one of my husbands coworkers' wives came in, heavily pregnant, and began rattling off to me about how FAT she felt. She didn't ask me why I was there, didn't care. She told me that really pregnancy was no big deal, and that because they had worked so hard at getting pregnant (they were trying for one year - we had been trying for 5 years at that point) that she was very happy with how things were going other than being so fat. I wanted to jam the toe of my boot through her teeth. I came home crying and lo & behold, my hubby's coworker was there.. hanging around. He seemed not to want to spend much time with her, and I don't blame him. But I let him know what she had said and how insensitive it was. I know it wasn't his fault, but I wanted him to know and my husband to know why I was upset and there to be an understanding that I would NEVER spend time with that &!*@&$ again. I don't care if they want a couples night out, I would rather sit at home chewing cardboard than spend time with that insensitive dingbat! So far, so good.

Another thing that pisses me off is people who know you are trying to conceive and they say something assanine like "oh geez, you should borrow my kids for a while, that will change your mind". How incredibly insensitive. They don't realize how lucky they are. And taking care of someone else's child isn't going to keep you from wanting them if what you want is a child... When a loss like this happens to someone, especially when it was planned and wanted, the best thing you can do is say you are sorry and just be there. The worst thing one can do is try to find words to say, inevitably filling the silences with babble that can come across as very nonchalant, insensitive or worse, mean. If she wants to talk, she may just want to tell you how insensitive people have been. That sortof venting I think is helpful, or at least was for me. I even pre-emptively told people about rude things that I didn't care to hear anymore, right before I suspected them of wanting to say it. If they announced this pregnancy in any way, she will spend the next year being dogged by unknowing well-wishers saying things like "wow I can't even tell you are pregnant, how far along are you now?" or "when is your due date anyway?" Another thing that helped me was finding an online support group. And of course DU'ers are in general very kind, progressive and supportive folks too!

Bless you for caring enough to worry about the right words to say. So many people don't.

[grace0418]

32. I say my share of stupid things for sure, but in cases like this I try

so hard to be as sensitive as possible. I know when my dad was dying people really did say some stupid things, even if they were well-meaning. And I alternated between wanting people to acknowledge my grief and not wanting to talk or even think about it. It guess it's a moment by moment thing. Even sometimes when I'm upset about some relatively trivial thing and I tell my husband about it, he always wants to solve my problem or give me advice. And I have to tell him "All I want is someone to say 'I'm sorry, that really sucks' and give me a hug." Maybe I should just go with that instinct.

But I am so sorry you had to experience not only the loss but also people's insensitivity. Thank you for helping me.

[Caoimhe]

42. I just wish it weren't so hard

And that those people who wants kids could have them and those who don't want kids.. don't.

Life isn't fair, and sometimes it can be cruel. I was amazed to hear how common it is. It is far easier on women if the pregnancy miscarries itself, than to have a D&C. It's toughter on you as it is surgery and you have to fast and go under anesthesia and have your uterus scraped and any remaining tissue taken out so that the uterus can "restart". I was out of it for two days and had horrible cramping and bleeding for at least two weeks. If you miscarry naturally your hormones tend to ebb and flow naturally, whereas surgery can really fool with your body.

I can only think that the more educated people are about this, the easier it is to talk about it, and talking about it is GOOD! Gone are the days of it being an embarrassment, or a flaw to hide. I honestly think that men should be more involved in the entire process. My husband was with me the whole time and held my hand through many crying sessions. It sounds like your coworker is the same, and that's a credit to him!

Hope they are blessed again soon!

[Arugula Latte]

33. I had a miscarriage in between baby #1 and #2

You do feel alone, but the thing is, it's AMAZING how many people have had a miscarriage. Sometimes knowing it's very common IS a help (not always, and not to everybody, of course).

[grace0418]

37. Yes, it's amazing how many people have had one or more.

I asked my friend if he wanted me to tell people at work and he did. I figured he didn't want the burden of having to tell everyone, nor did he want people asking him about the pregnancy in a month's time. Anyway, as I broke the news to various people, I was ASTOUNDED by how many of them told me that they'd been through it, some of them several times. I think, if this ever happens to me, that will be a good thing to know. It helps you feel more "normal" I guess.

Thanks for your advice. I'm sorry you had the same experience.

[jobycom]

14. I went through it.

My wife miscarried at about twelve weeks once. It created a range of emotions, from sadness to, in a strange way, relief. That's hard to explain, but there is a lot of tension and worry involved in expecting, along with the positive emotions, and somewhere there is a sense of having all of that suddenly removed. It's not a happy relief, just a relief, like the morning after you loose a loved one, when you've cried all night, and for a while the next morning you feel a sense of calm that it is over.

That's not really important to your question, except to say that it's hard to summarize the feelings.

For us, we didn't feel that much grief over it. Really just a sadness, and we knew we could try again if we wanted. But for us it had been unplanned, although we were happy it was happening. I imagine it would be different for a couple trying to get pregnant, especially if it was difficult to do so for them. Then there is the fear that they may be defective, and all of that.

My advice is to not say anything about it. Your friend and his wife have to work it out together, consult with their doctor over future possibilities, and basically deal with it. For us, since we didn't feel the intense loss, every time someone found out and made a fuss about it, we felt uncomfortable, and they always mistook our discomfort for grief and gushed even more. For others, the grief is intense, and in that case bringing it up will just cause them more pain.

Since you see your friend every day, just be there for him. Don't watch him too closely, don't be overly sensitive, or don't try too hard to pretend nothing happened. Just act normal. If he seems really down, or if he's trying too hard to pretend nothing's wrong, you might want to cautiously suggest you're there to listen if he needs it. He may. All of the conversations he has with his spouse will be about the miscarriage, and that will wear on him, and there are things he can't really tell her about his own feelings (same with her) because she's dealing with her own. Mainly, listening is what he needs more than anything. That, and to get back to normal life to be reminded of what else he has in his life.

No words will do anything for him, though, so don't waste time on them. They'd only make him more uncomfortable. Don't act like nothing happened, but follow his lead. Drop a "How're you holding up?" now and then, if he's looking glum, or more subtly, ask how his wife is holding up. But don't make a habit of it, or he will dread facing you each morning, dreading the question or the sympathetic looks. Be the same friend you were before. The rest is between he and his wife, and their doctor.

That's my feelings on it. I had some friends who dwelt on it, and I felt uncomfortable about that. I just wanted to move on. Frankly, the only time I really felt like it was a big deal was when someone else brought it up. My wife and I had no trouble talking about it between ourselves. It actually brought us closer for a while.

[grace0418]

34. Thank you. I think my friends will probably get over it pretty fast

but you just never know. I know they were sorta trying but were a little freaked out about how fast it happened. And I know my friend was worried about money and daycare because he'd wanted to be a stay-at-home dad but is still working on getting his freelance work more steady. He's an AMAZING illustrator and is just finishing up his second children's book. For the time being he works with me at an awful job at a publishing company but I have no doubt he'll be able to illustrate full-time with his talent. His wife loves her job so it would be pretty ideal for him to work from home and stay with the baby while she is at work. So maybe this will give them a little more time to get those plans in place. He said they're going to try again in a few months, so I don't think they are too discouraged. However, it's all very fresh pain and could change on a dime. Thanks for your advice, I'm sorry you had to go through it yourself.

[Shine]

15. How kind of you to be so concerned.

I would definitely acknowledge their painful loss by simply saying you're sorry. Being willing to listen to whatever comes up can also be hugely supportive.

People have different ways of grieving and there's no "right way" to do it.

As a friend, your main priority is to let them know you're sorry, you're there to talk to if they want that, and that you care deeply for them. It's simple.

Love is simple, yet deep.
:hug:

[grace0418]

39. Thank you. I have told my friend and I gave him a big hug but

it's such delicate subject. Thank you for your advice. You have all been so helpful.

[grace0418]

16. I found this article, does this sound about right?

Helping a Friend Who Has Miscarried
GriefLoss

By Clara Hinton
When a friend miscarries a baby, the friendship often becomes very uncomfortable because everyone is at a loss about what to do or say during the painful adjustment time of coming to terms with the loss. Well meaning friends will often say things like, “Cheer up. This is only a temporary setback. You’re young. You have lots of time to try again.” Some friends will make the comment, “At least you miscarried early before you had time to get too attached.” Still, other well-meaning friends will make the comment, “The baby was probably going to be born with all kinds of problems. You wouldn’t want to deal with anything like that. It’s best that you miscarried. You can try again in a few months.”

Words, when spoken carelessly, can bring additional pain to a couple who has just experienced the heartbreak of loss. Friends should be a great source of support to a grieving couple, but all-too-often the friendship ends simply because of not knowing how to help a friend who has miscarried.

What does help? Following a miscarriage, the shock of loss can make it almost impossible to think clearly enough to complete even the everyday routines of life. Friends can help tremendously by organizing meals for the first few weeks following a loss and see that the meals are delivered cooked and ready to be eaten. Simple errands like picking up the mail, picking up items at the supermarket, and taking care of the laundry are a tremendous help, too.

Send a card. It’s important to know that a friend took time out of his or her busy schedule to send a note of encouragement and to say, “ I care.” So often, the worst feeling following a loss is the feeling of being all alone. A card is a genuine way of showing that you care.

Be a good listener. Miscarriage is something that is never expected, can occur quite fast, and without any warning. A woman may experience very heavy bleeding and passing of clots and tissue which can be very frightening. It also may be necessary to have a surgical procedure called a D&C to remove all of the remains of the miscarriage. For many women, this is their first hospital experience. This, too, can be scary, especially since there are so many major events taking place so fast.

A couple needs to have friends who will allow them to tell their story of loss. Talking of their loss is often the only way a couple has of validating the fact that they really were expecting a baby. Friends who are good listeners are crucial to healing.

Acknowledge the loss. Don’t be afraid to ask, “How are you feeling?” Couples who have gone through a miscarriage need to know that they have not been forgotten. It’s important to know that others remember and care. Don’t assume that parents stop thinking about the miscarriage after a few weeks. Loss has a way of resurfacing months later. It is healing to know that friends are still there and that they still care.

Finally, when at a loss for words, simply pull up a chair and sit with your friend who has experienced a loss. Share a tear together. A shared tear from a friend is understood in every language and will help bring healing and hope to any broken, lonely heart.

[miss_american_pie]

21. Yes

Even if it was an early m/c, she will probably have a rough time physically, so if you want to take them a meal, or help with older kids, that type of thing would be helpful.

I'd follow their lead in what they wanted to talk about. When I had mine, it was such a surreal experience I needed to talk about it a lot to process it. My husband clams up about emotional experiences.

Whatever you do, I think they'll realize that most people are awkward in these situations.

[grace0418]

17. Thank you so much everyone.

I know it was probably difficult for you to share your experiences and I really appreciate the advice.

[purr]

18. I had a miscarriage at 19 and i liked the fact that no one brought it up

That was my preferred method.

[grace0418]

41. I'm sorry, that must've been so hard

at such a young age. Thanks for the advice.

[fight4my3sons]

19. I had two miscarriages in the same year.

Just be there. Don't ignore the fact, but don't say things like "it happened for a reason" or "it will be ok" I hated that. After the second one I had to go on anti-depressants. We found out that I have a rare blood clotting disorder. Everyone had been saying "oh, it happens to everyone. Miscarriage is normal." and that used to really piss me off. It isn't normal, you never get over it. Even now that I was able to have kids (with treatment of anticoagulants) I still mourn the babies I lost and I have a hard time on the days that I suffered the miscarriages every year. For one I had to be hospitalized.
I just wanted to ignore the fact and get on with my life. I think it depends on the type of person you are though. Now that time has passed I have no problem talking about it. I hope that your friend is dealing ok. I is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I know that my husband had a very hard time dealing with it also. It was a big strain on our marriage at the time.

[grace0418]

40. Oh that's awful, I am so sorry.

It must've been a nightmare. Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate you sharing your sorrow to help me.

[khashka]

20. "I'm so sorry" is fine

but the best thing you can do is be a kind and attentive friend.

The worst thing is to pull away because you don't know what to say. It's an awkward position to be in.... but express sympathy and then wait for cues from them.
When my exwife and I first married - she miscarried. We were devastated. We lost a lot of friends. Mostly people who avoided us because they didn't know what to say. Which hurt. You don't have to say "the right thing", just be sympathetic. Let them talk but make it clear they can talk to you. Maybe they won't, maybe they will. Either way, if you know you are there for them, it will be appreciated.

If you only see her socially - don't bring it up unless she does. If she wants to talk about it, she will.


Khash.

[grace0418]

22. Yeah, that's the thing. I'm closer to him than I am to her.

Although I consider them both dear friends. I guess I will just relay the message through him and help however I can. Thanks!

[SoCalDem]

30. Tell them you are sorry for their loss, hug them, and listen to them

Don't tell them they can "try again"..they already know that. They are grieving for a real child, for the loss of the little league games that won;t happen, for the dance recitals that won;t happen..for the experience of knowing who that baby really looks like, what color his/.her eyes are, how tall he/she would have been..

The phantom-baby will always haunt them,so expect them to feel sad at times. and just be there as their friend.. It's all you can do. You cannot "distract' them..

[grace0418]

35. I know, I'm sorry if that sounded bad.

I know they can't be distracted into forgetting their troubles. I just wanted to know if it helped anyone to have friends take them out for ice cream or to a movie or bowling. Not in a spirit of "Let's pretend nothing is wrong" but more like "Let's slowly ease back into life by talking/thinking about something else for a few minutes." I know sometimes from other experiences that the grief can be overwhelming sometimes and you just need a break from it, even if it doesn't go away. For me it was making some art, that helped a lot. I also played music a lot. When my dad was dying, I got together with my 10 siblings and sometimes our gallows humor got downright hilarious. It felt so good to laugh, even though you felt like crying.

[SoCalDem]

36. I know you didn;t.. Just keep including them as before

If they feel up to it, they will accept:)

It's still a fresh wound for them, and for at least a while, they will be sad and may not feel like much socializing..

[grace0418]

38. Thanks.

You're right of course.

[Left Is Write]

43. I went through it twice.

The first time, I was about 12 weeks along and it was much more difficult than the second time. We had told friends and family that I was pregnant, and I required surgery, so pretty much everyone knew. (The second time we had moved out of state, and it was so early that we hadn't told anyone.)

A heartfelt "I'm sorry" really helps. If you want to send them a card, I think that would be nice too. I didn't necessarily want to talk much about it, but it's always nice to know people care.

[khashka]

44. God, I'm sorry to hear that!

I really am. My ex wife miscarried. We married because she was pregnant (and it wasn't my baby). But it nearly killed me when she lost the baby.

A simple "Im sorry" goes a long way. Just an acknowledgment of your grief can help.

I'm sorry you experienced that, my dear Left Is Write. It is heartbreaking.


Khash.

:loveya:

[Left Is Write]

45. Thank you, Khash...

That means a lot to me. :hug:

[grace0418]

49. I'm sorry to hear about both of you.

And I really appreciate your advice and stories. It has been helping me a lot.

[cmf]

47. Just be there

Acknowledge it for the real loss that it is, but don't say things to try to make them feel better. If they want to talk, they will. But definitely give her a call, because grieving people don't really have the energy to pick up the phone, but often appreciate a phone call now and then. I'm sort of speaking from experience, my best friend lost a baby about six weeks ago and my own mother passed away shortly after. So I have been on both sides of grief recently.

[grace0418]

48. Oh geez so much sadness

Thanks for your advice and I sorry to hear about your mom. I lost my dad several years back and it's still sad.

[grace0418]

50. HERE'S WHAT I DECIDED TO DO...

I made them a nice, nutritious brown rice "risotto" that they can have for a few meals. It has chicken and mushrooms and spinach so it's a complete meal by itself with minimal effort. Our other carpool mate is making them lasagna and a salad. So they don't have to think about food for a few days at least. I wrote a nice card to go with it so his wife can read it and know we're thinking of her, but she doesn't necessarily have to talk about it if she doesn't want to. We have a 25-minute commute so our friend can talk and vent the whole time if he wants.

After that I'll just gauge his responses and moods. He's an incredibly kind and sensitive person so I know he'll take good care of his wife. And he'll make a great father when it does happen for them.

Thanks so much everyone. This was incredibly helpful. This is an amazing community we have here.

xo

[Lilith Velkor]

51. I had one almost 5 years ago

I had no boyfriend and didn't even know I was pregnant, so I felt relieved, but physically drained and emotionally wrung out.

The roommate with whom I had the close call got me a big bottle of Scotch, and we never mentioned it again. I drank heavily for a couple or three months and then I was fine.

I see you have already decided what to do, but I just felt like posting. You'll do fine. :hug:

[grace0418]

52. Thanks Lilith

I appreciate the vote of confidence. Your situation must've been scary! I'm sorry you had to experience it!

[Lilith Velkor]

53. Eh, it wasn't that bad

Having to move back in with Mom 6 months later was that bad.

[grace0418]

54. LOL. Yes, in my case that would've been

absolute hell. Being one town away from her for five years was bad enough.