So I've decided to give couples counseling a shot

[skygazer]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=4816002

The original thread for those who missed this sorry story.

I have no idea if I'm making a big mistake or not but I'm going to give it a shot. It's just a shot and he knows he's on probation big time. Things are NOT all better and are NOT going to just blow over - he's got a whole lot of hard uphill work to do if he wants to regain my trust because right now, I have none.

I was not going to bend. I was packed. I had a foot out the door and I think that's what finally penetrated the thick fog and made him realize that his stupid, thoughtless actions were going to cost him something he truly cares about. Is he sincere? I don't know. I hope so but I don't count on it. But once he realized that I was actually leaving for real, he gave me reason to believe that he was at least willing to put some effort and work into keeping me here.

There are conditions. We are going to go to couples counseling as soon as we can get in. He's also going to get some individual counseling which i think he really needs and I told him he needs to be honest with the counselors - he's not going there to impress them, or to make them like him - he's going because he's got some serious issues to address and he's bloody well going to address them.

I also told him there are no guarantees here. The counseling may only serve to show me that I really do need to leave and if that's the case, I will. The boxes are going to remain packed for a while. He needs to prove an awful lot to me.

His ex also needs to be informed in no uncertain terms that she is NOT a part of his life and that if she really cares about him, she will bow out of it and let him get on with it. And rather than leave that to him, I have composed an email to send her myself. I will show it to him before it's sent but it will be sent. It's not accusatory or cruel - it's simply matter of fact. The truth is, he's wronged her as well as me.

I don't know if this will resolve anything but there's been too much that's good about this to let it go easily. If he's willing to work, and he will have to do some serious work, then I am willing to try. But I told him, there's no next time. If I ever even suspect he's up to anything, I'm leaving and leaving for good. And I'm going to shoot him before I go.

Wish me luck - the saga continues. Hell, I'll be posting my own daily poetry thread if this keeps up!

[Oeditpus Rex]

1. Good on ya, girl

Hope it works out. :hug:

[ThomCat]

2. Good luck.

Don't let him string you along if things aren't working. But I hope this works. :hug:

[crispini]

3. Good for you-- but I think you have to tell him to tell her himself.

I think by taking care of this for him you're continuing to allow the childish behaviour that cause the situation in the first place. Read it before he sends it, watch while he sends it, ask that he show you the reply, but by stepping in and cleaning up his mess you're just reinforcing the bad behaviour. JMHO...

[skygazer]

4. I see your point but

I simply don't trust him to do it and do it in a way that will be final. I suspect that part of his problem is that he feels this need to be liked by others, even those he doesn't really care about. That's why (I think) he maintains the contact with her.

But perhaps your way is the way to go - to simply stand over him and vet what he says to her to make sure it's clear and breaks the tie completely. Thanks for pointing that out. Certainly food for thought.

I love this place. :hug:

[tjdee]

13. I think that's part of the problem...

I guess you are aware what the concerns are more than we are, but if you have to stand over him in order for him to "get it right".... that's not good.

I'm so sorry skygazer. I hope this works out for you, and I hope this guy realizes what is on the line.

[bettyellen]

6. you're absolutely right, it doesn't mean nearly as much coming from you

and this is something he shoulda done properly a long time ago.

[henslee]

5. self delete.

[skygazer]

7. Thanks for the advice

However, I wasn't asking for advice.

It's always easy to fling advice to leave at people you don't know on a message board. Life is more complex than what fits into these neat little boxes. While I realize you're trying to be helpful in your own way, this decision is mine to make and I've made it. I have friends who know both of us who are capable of offering "tough love" on a more informed basis than you. I posted this to let my online friends know what was happening in this, not to fish for advice. I know better than to base my decisions on what I'm offered here.

[sbj405]

8. Good luck, skygazer.

However it works out for you two, I wish you peace.

:hug:

[In_The_Wind]

9. I wish you the best in working this out, skygazer.

[Midlodemocrat]

10. You won't regret it.

Even if you do decide to separate, you have given it your best shot.

Best to you skygazer. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[BlueIris]

11. Good luck.

Hey, if it changes the relationship for the better, great; if it doesn't, you did your best to make it better. Plus, we're here for you if things don't improve.

[SeattleGirl]

12. skygazer, you are a very strong person

and I admire your resolve to stand up for yourself. I especially admire it that you told him that going to counseling is no guarantee that things will work out with you staying together. You are looking at this in a very realistic way, while still being willing to try to heal things.

My best to you. :hug: