Is there any other way to connect with a guy besides small talk?

[supernova]

Hi. I'm a female who, while I can do it, finds small talk very trying. I just don't find it interesting. I can do it for a short period of time. But in those situations it feels too much like a job I have to do and I make a hurried exit. Which makes it kinda hard to meet people. :blush: I'd rather talk about some identifyable subject.

Also I'm a female without children, so out the window goes the whole mommy chatter, which most people find endearing. :crazy:

And no, I'm not talking about getting horizontal, either. I like sex, A LOT in fact, but this is about just first impressions.

So what about it guys, what is it about girls/women that does it for you? I'm frankly curious.

[Nikia]

1. I am not a guy

For some reason, every guy that seemed interested in me and was not being overally sexual from the beginning, felt the need to tell me incredible stories. Some of these incredible stories were true, some were entirely lies, and most were exaggerations of the truth. I must seem like someone who needs to be impressed or perhaps I tell stories that seem incredible and they feel the need to one up me.
Seriously, my husband has said that he always liked women who were passionate about something. When you meet a guy if he doesn't seem to have some incredible story that he wants to tell you about, tell him what you are interested in and what you are passionate about. Obviously if he doesn't like what you are pasisonate about, he probably won't want to stick around. If he is interested in what you are interested in or neutral but sees that you have depth to you, he probably will stick around if he is someone interested in more than a one night stand. By doing this, you also make sure that you have met someone who you can be yourself around and not feel like you have to hide what is important to you.

[hfojvt]

9. I usually tell people

about my 76 inch rabbit, and they have nothing that can match that (note, this is funnier if you have seen the movie Harvey - here's my card. Would you like to come to dinner sometime this week?)

But you have hit what I would say - pick a topic and run it up the pole and see who salutes it. :patriot:

[Benfea]

2. I am not typical of most men

One of the things that really piques my interest is anything that shows a willingness to violate socially-mandated gender roles. If a woman is talking about sports, I instantly start paying more attention despite the fact that I have zero interest in sports myself. Talk about drapes and you're guaranteed to lose my interest.

If there is a subject you're passionate about (science fiction, rennaisance political history, the pinch hitter rule, whatever), talk about that. I would much rather talk about something rather than nothing, and if you're passionate about the subject, I'm more likely to be interested in the topic.

Lastly, if you wanna talk about what annoys you about other women or particular groups of other women, go ahead. I have lots of platonic female friendships and I'm used to going into "girlfriend/empathy mode" and I can get downright catty in such discussions ("Just who is she trying to impress?"). I think most other guys' eyes glaze over in such discussions though.

[TheFriendlyAnarchist]

39. I agree

"Lastly, if you wanna talk about what annoys you about other women or particular groups of other women, go ahead. I have lots of platonic female friendships and I'm used to going into "girlfriend/empathy mode" and I can get downright catty in such discussions ("Just who is she trying to impress?"). I think most other guys' eyes glaze over in such discussions though."

You know, you'd be surprised how many good friends you can make by just opening up and ear and being sympathetic. I've got several close friends now because of that, and these were people who used to hate me, but just by helping out and letting them confide in you really gave us a good friendship. I feel most guys underestimate the power of just sitting down and being empathetic everynow and then. Hell, its been getting me through school pretty easy. Just my thoughs.

[bettyellen]

3. small talk is facinating if you know what to ask...

you need to pay a bit of attention to people and ask them about themselves.
i never talk about the weather and boring shit like that. i love talking to strangers.

[begin_within]

4. Do "guy things" with him. What men want is a man in a woman's body.

Do "girl things" with your female friends.

[supernova]

13. Wow, so I should take up crotch scratching

and watching sports?

[XemaSab]

30. I call BS

What the fuck kind of answer is this?

Men are supposed to act like men when they're around men.
Women are supposed to act like men when they're around men.
Women are only allowed to act like women when they're around women.

Pray tell, when are men supposed to act like women?

Just because "female" behavior is outside your comfort zone doesn't mean all women should put on an act just to accomodate you.

[TheFriendlyAnarchist]

40. Actually, I act womanly and sympathetic when I'm talking to my female

friends (usually on AIM, but sometimes on the phone, esp when theyre upset. See post #39 for details.

[gizmo1979]

5. I'm a man and it's

been my experience that any aknowledgement of they being alive means you want to have sex with them.Men are not diffucult to figure out.Lowest common denominator is sex guys are after it all the time and will pursue it till their dying breath.Just remember what I tell my daughter about men,all men,are pigs no exceptions if you always keep that in the back of your mind you will never have problems with our gender again.

[amitten]

23. Gee, it's nice to know that marrying a pig is my only option.

I feel lonelier already...

[gizmo1979]

34. Once you realize fact one.

You can control the man quite easily if you remember rule one.The levels of pig are quite varying you just need to keep the rule of men in mind when the man is trying to get something from you.

[amitten]

42. Actually, I can't control him at all if rule 1 is true. He'll sleep with

anything that moves, regardless of me!

[gizmo1979]

46. That's the man run amok.

There are men that will only think about it.Jimmy Carter for instance.The pig part is just so you don't end up getting hurt.Always look for another motive.Then you will stay away from the cads.

[supernova]

43. Do you enjoy being controlled?

:shrug:

Personally, that's not a relationship I would enjoy. Control just doesn't do it for me. Shared trust and mutual affection do, however. ;-)

[gizmo1979]

44. you don't get it.

just forget it.

[supernova]

45. Sigh, maybe I probably don't

:-(

[Wetzelbill]

6. a few different ways

at least for me anyway. I love intellect and passion. If you have one or two things that you are interested in and passionate about, express that. Intellect and your knowledge of that (those)topics will be evident. A guy who likes you and is a good listener will be attentive to something that you care about. At the same time, be attentive to what they are interested in, ask questions, laugh at something funny they say etc. So maybe you aren't all that passionate or interested in... say pro wrestling. Well, that's fine but if you at least listen to it a little bit that's a plus, because you show that even though you aren't into that thing, you are at least willing to listen to a person because you like them. Be wary of just listening though. Because if you let a guy talk all the time and he feels he has to push the conversation one of two things will happen. He'll either become a total boor or he'll get nervous and the conversation will go downhill pretty fast.

Other things, like maybe touch him every once in a while to let him know you're paying attention or that you appreciate him listening. Maybe a quick hand on the shoulder while laughing or something. Little things like that. It lets a guy know that you enjoy his company. Whether you want to sleep with him or not, it's effective to communicate that you're having a decent time. You did hit a key with the identifiable subject. That's why it is best that you are prepared to talk about yourself or whatever you are passionate about. Showing passion and intelligence about something is great for first impressions.

I'll give you a real world example. Albeit this one is over the phone but it still applies. I met this girl not too long ago and we've been calling each other back and forth for a few weeks. She's done two things that I find to be very impressive. One is, she thinks what I do is interesting. For example, I'm a writer, I used to ride bulls, and I have wrestled. She appreciates that I'm into politics a lot as well. She has shown interest in that and allowed me to tell stories and explain some of those things to her. Next, she started talking about her work with women's rights. She helped bring a Spanish version of "The Vagina Monologues" to Tucson, the first Spanish version done in the U.S. She also has gone to Juarez, Mexico to protest the deaths of hundreds of women their who were murdered by probably several serial killers, but it's a big mess because not much has been done about it. Well, I was extremely captivated by her passion for those activities. Totally impressed me. I loved how she was intelligent, well informed and had a real ardor for those things. So, yeah, maybe that can help you a little. :)

[supernova]

14. So you don't like small talk?

:shrug:

I'm passionate about lots of things: Sci FI, politics, writing, the arts in general, space/astronomy, but generally that stuff doesn't come up the first 15 minutes you meet someone.

[Wetzelbill]

28. hmmm...

Usually I get into some of those things faster than that. I almost immediately will ask what someone is interested in. Within a few minutes. Because, that's what I'm interested in finding out. Maybe you may want to try to steer them towards talking about an identifiable subject a little earlier. I always seem to have conversations that start because of the arts or something like that. I might see somebody reading a book that I recognize or something like that. I'm not much of a small talk person really. I suppose the basics, name, where they are from etc. I might ask them about where they are from etc, but usually I get into things I'm interested in pretty fast. I get nervous otherwise. If I don't have a topic to talk about that I don't know anything about I get pretty anxious. So I usually try to find something they are interested in and correlate that to my interests. That way I don't just stand there like a lunkhead saying stuff like: "What's yer major...uh, cool." haha

I would say the sooner you can get into a good subject the better.

[Oeditpus Rex]

7. Challenge me

with your wit. It doesn't have to be spicy — at the outset, it shouldn't be — but good repartee gets and holds my attention better than anything else.

Also, something I read when I was a kid. It sounds kinda '50ish, but it's true: If you want to be interesting, be interested.

[ZombieNixon]

8. Talk about stuff that matters. As you said, an identifiable subject.

Small talk is evil and should be hated.

[supernova]

15. I like you ZN

:thumbsup:

I just wish I were younger! :P

[Rabrrrrrr]

10. I hate small talk, too. If you find a guy who insists on it,

then know that he isn't worth a shit. Certainly not worthy of a smart person like you. Let him go find his lifemate, some spandex enthroned big-haired harpie who can go on for hours about other people or other idiot topics. They're made for each other.

Unfortunately, in America, the land of the ignorant, it's VERY hard to find the few people who can hold a conversation together and who are interested in more than slammning down shittily made mojitos (or whatever is "popular") in a bar with the music too loud and where the patrons are as empty and vapid as the generic triple sec being used in the "Cosmos".

[supernova]

16. Ha. Thanks Rabrrrrrr!

I knew I could count on you to get to the heart of the matter.

:loveya:

So where extactly does one meet an intense person such as yourself?

[Rabrrrrrr]

27. I like to go for the heart. Saves wasted time.

That's why women, if they want to have sex with a guy, should just say it. It's already on his mind, probably.

but I digress -

where to find the right people? That's the problem. You need to go someplace intellectual - poetry readings, coffee shops, modern theater, go hear off the wall bands, ethnic restaurants, join a hiking club or a biking club, go walk the appalachia trail, libraries, university events, churches (not fundy, though), synagogues, temples, health food stores, organic food stores, and any place that has nerds or geeks - they tend not to be superficial assholes.

[Spider Jerusalem]

11. I'm a guy, and I don't do small talk.

It's a way of talking without actually managing to say anything. Empty noise.

I'm more interested in actual topic-based conversation; when talking to a member of the opposite sex I usually try to identify some area of common interest as a conversational subject, since, as I've said, I find small talk excruciating.

[supernova]

18. I've always loved and looked for your posts SJ

You're one of the people here I say to myself "There's somebody who knows how to think about things..."

:loveya:

[Spider Jerusalem]

21. Well, thank you...

:blush:

I'm flattered :)

[GOPisEvil]

12. This is why one should follow one's interests.

That way, if one meets someone interesting, there's a built-in subject of interest for both of you.

[supernova]

19. Trouble is most of my interests

are solitary. :D

It really has more to do with the fact that I'm uncomfortable at large gatherings. I like talking to people one on one.

[GOPisEvil]

22. Actually, I understand that. I suck in large groups, too.

Small groups or 1-1 is much easier for me.

[Spider Jerusalem]

24. Yeah, that can be a problem...

if most of your interests are intellectual (music/art/literature/et cetera), you're not really going to have an easy time conversing with a social butterfly/sports fan type on anything but a superficial level. I have the same problem; I don't do well at all in large social gatherings--I usually wind up feeling overwhelmed and go off to be alone, and the superficial nature of most of the conversation agt such gatherings isn't really my speed, either (that small talk thing, again).

[In_The_Wind]

17. Find someone who enjoys the same hobbies, small talk will be easy.

Bird watching is an excellent example.

[XemaSab]

31. HA!

n/t

[amitten]

20. Grab it.

That's right. You read it right.

[trof]

25. Talk about his favorite subject: Him.

;-)

[G2099]

26. What does it for me is . . .

. . . is a women who right up, straight up front says she wants me . . . BANG . . . she's got me . . .

All men want to had by a women . . . take me I'm yours . . . now let's spend the rest of our time find out and seeing if you are THE ONE. Could be a instant no or this could be the start of something BIG.

Go for it . . . roll the dice of life . . . what do you have to loose?

[Katherine Brengle]

29. Be yourself--if a guy is right for you, he'll dig it.

:smoke:

[Starbucks Anarchist]

32. Yes, not talking at all.

Kidding, kidding.

Personally, I'm okay with small talk as long as it doesn't get stuck there, but instead leads to deeper conversations, etc.

[Robeson]

33. Does anybody know how to flirt anymore?.....

...just askin'?

[Left_Winger]

35. Here's my answer to your question

I like independent women as I am a very independent person; and, like you stated in another response, most of my interests are solitary and I do not care for large gatherings either.

So, what type of initial question would grab my attention and led to a conversation (or one which I would ask)? Most anything about painting (Klimt and Kandinsky are my favorites), books (non-fiction gets my attention every time), cooking, languages and travel experiences, nature conservation, etc.

I don't like small talk either. My last relationship fell apart for this very reason: every night there was "the obligatory phone call" (if I may call it that). This drove me crazy! Q: "How was your day?" A: "Same ol'... same ol'..." These "small talk" conversations would go on for an hour or more every night. My mind wandered as to how I could gracefully find an exit. :banghead:

[Science Of Myth]

36. I bet if I polled all the people who've replied to this thread

almost all would have to fess up to being labeled "unbearably pretentious" more than once in their lives. Myself notwithstanding, of course ;) Bonus pts if you've ever been called insufferable since that means even pretentious people find you pretentious :D

You guys make it sound like a girl who wants to talk about sports once and a while is a *BAD* thing...

[supernova]

37. They're just being supportive

Aside from the occasional ACC basketball game and a few Olympic events every few years, sports do little for me. I just don't dig the whole winners/losers dynamic.

So paring myself off with someone who did, well that probably wouldn't work.

And I find them all very smart and engaging, not pretentious.

[Science Of Myth]

38. OK, they may well be

but all this blather about " small talk is for small minds, I have much more important *intellectual* pursuits to engage in and talk about. I'm into the arts! etc etc" strikes me as overdone

Sometimes its good to kick back and relax a little. Not everything needs to be a mental exercise in gymnastics, especially recreationally.

[supernova]

41. Thanks for illustrating my point

in my OP.

Sometimes its good to kick back and relax a little. Not everything needs to be a mental exercise in gymnastics, especially recreationally.

Here we have a contrast in what constitutes a "mental exercise in gymnastics."

For me, that is what small talk, or talk about sports if you prefer, feels like. It's painful for me. So painful, I and a good many in this thread find that we want to minimize our exposure to it.

I find it easy and "recreational" to talk about the arts, or astronomy, or psychology, etc. That is relaxing to me.

[bearfan454]

47. First off, there has to be some kind of connection.

You can tell if you are on the same wave length as someone else. Opposites attract too because me and Mrs bearfan are completely opposite on many things. But we do share a lot of common interests too.

[Crazy Dave]

48. How about shop talk with others in the same trade?

Being your a fellow CAD tech. I enjoy discussions and sharing ideas with others about our skills and learn something new all the time.

[El Fuego]

49. Some people love to talk about themselves

Keep asking him questions about his life, career, car, whatever. Pretend that you are interested. Chances are he'll start going on and on about himself and you won't have to do much talking.