My Oscar Critique/ The real reason we watch...

[Blue Belle]

Sure… y’all say you watched the Oscars last night because you’re proud so many politically driven movies are nominated this year, blah, blah, blah… but we all know why we watch. It’s the Fashion Faux pas… the Couture carnage. We want to revel in delightful cattiness at the prospect of another “Bjork Swan Dress”, we want to see if Cher shows up with a gravy boat on her head again, or wallow in our snarkiness as Gina Davis test the limits of give to her gown’s chiffon as well as the FCC censors. It’s the one night of the year where Hollywood struts its siliconed, botoxed, uber-coifed, hautely coutured, stuff and it’s our privilege – ney, our duty - to play Mr. Blackwell to the fashion missteps, and blatant self-serving tendencies of Entertainment’s Elite.

So maybe you’re right… this post may be entirely fraught with schadenfreud. It probably is trite, and my observations may very well be bitchy and mean spirited – it is your right to flame away. But at least I’m posting what you all are thinking and I’m comforted to know that a) NONE of these celebrities will ever read this post, and b) even if they did read this post… the gift bag they took home from the Oscars cost more than what I make in 5 years… so why should they care what I think?

So without further ado… I give you my critique of the 2006 Oscars (and after party interviews):

Most spindly "Creepy Tim Burton-esque Cartoon" Legs: Dolly Parton while singing her Oscar Nominated Song - Her "tux" really enhanced her Anatomical Disproportions.

Most noticeable display of "Head entirely to large for his body/ Bobble Head": Samuel L. Jackson (seriously, it was like Jerome Bettis' head on Sammy Davis Jr.'s Body)

Most Noticeable homage to sixties “Big hair”/ "Looked like she should have been on stage at the Grand Ol’ Oprey": Helena Bohnam Carter

Most Noticeable misread of appropriate Oscar attire /"this is the Oscars not Hee Haw": Larry McMurtrey (Screenplay Writer of "Brokeback Mountain")

Most Noticeable homage to Dr, Suess/ “Looked more at home in a petri dish”: Ben Stiller in his “Best Achievement in Visual Effects" Presentation.

Most Expensive Dental Work: Just about anyone from 3 Six Mafia

Most likely to be confused for a Disco Ball: Suzanne Sommers

Most likely to be confused as a Trans-gendered Hooker: Suzanne Sommers

Most likely to be there to plug her crappy "Home Shopping Channel" line: Suzanne Sommers. Runner-up: Lauren Hutton

Most out of place display of Bed Head: Sharon Stone (although in her defense, I think she was just drunk).

Hair pulled back so tight that it looked like it would hurt if she sneezed: Jennifer Lopez

Most liberal use of hair gel: Eric Bana

Most Copious use of “Tan from a Can”: Lisa Renna

Most uncontrollable urge to give her a sandwich: Lisa Renna

Most overuse of her "D" list Celebrity Status/ why the hell are you being interviewed?: Lisa Renna (a few seasons on "Melrose Place" and ability to shake your bonbon on "Dancing with the Stars" does not a celebrity make).

Most likely to fall out of her Gown: Whomever it was sitting next to Paul Haggis when "Crash" won Best Picture. In all her exuberance, I thought we were going to have a wardrobe malfunction (Note: that is why they use the double stick tape).

Most Amazing display of “Low Hanging Boobs” despite her age and the fact she lives in Hollywood: Hilary Swank

Would be beautiful if she would just STAND UP STRAIGHT!!: Maggie Gyllenhaal (only because Gwenneth Paltrow wasn't at the event this year).

Most liberal Use of Grey Poupon: Michelle Williams

Most liberal use of a tissuey ruffle on her gown for no apparent reason: Naomi Watts

Best Alternate Use of a Bow (could take out your eye/ be used as a pillow if the ceremony got to boring): Charlieze Theron

Best use of a curtain from the "Memoirs of a Geisha" Set: Kiera Knightly

Best use of Pockets in her Gown: Sandra Bullock

Not only was she stunning, but looked like she could actually Breathe/ Looked comfortable in her Gown: Sandra Bullock - Runner up: Reese Witherspoon

Looked the most comfortable in his surroundings / enjoyed the entire night: George Clooney

If ever there was a man born to wear a tuxedo it would be: George Clooney

If ever there were a man to show up on a red carpet dressed only in his boxers and still make the best dressed list it would be: George Clooney.

Looked the most Uncomfortable the Entire Night: Heath Ledger

Looked like this was her first experience in 3 inch heels and a Couture Gown: Catherine Keener

Most brilliant display of grace under fire: Jennifer Garner when she tripped in her 3 inch heels - “I do my own Stunts!”

Most noticeable display of Hopeless Boredom: (tie): William Hurt & Steven Spielberg

Actually looked like she was "Just happy to be there": Amy Adams

Actually looked like they were asking themselves, "Why the Hell am I here?": Men (Tie): Keanu Reeves & Russell Crow; Women: Francis MacDormand

Most noticeable display of "I’m only here to suck up to the Academy until I have an Oscar of my Own": Women (Tie): Jennifer Anniston & Jessica Alba; Men: Will Smith.

Most Noticeable display of "I'm only here because this is all I have anymore": Men: Jack Nicholson; Women: Joan & Melissa Rivers

If I missed something… please feel free to contribute!

[Blue Belle]

1. PS: I would give anything to overhear the seatside conversation between...

Jack Nicholson and Kiera Knightly... :)