Houston Traffic Rules - oldie but still funny and TRUE..

[prole_for_peace]

Houston Traffic Rules

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Huestun," not
"Ewe-stun". Oh yea, it is pronounced "San Phil-ee-pay," not "San Phil-eep" (San Felipe).

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own
version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a
dangerous high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.

3. All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610".... which has no
beginning and no end.

4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a "Scenic
Drive."

5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed
out and possibly shot. When you are the first one off the starting line,
count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.

7. Kuykendahl Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native
Houstonian....(Ker-Ken-Dall)

8. Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life and a
permanent form of entertainment.

9. All unexplained smells are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we must be in
Pasadena!!!."

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

11. All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total
right-of-way.

12. The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less is
considered downright sissy.

13. The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.

14. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone. *THIS IS NOT A JOKE*

15. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone,
people are not waving when they go by.

16. The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.

17. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

18. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana.

19. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the feeder road like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built

and my own - We locals pronounce it "San JA-cin-to" not "San HA-cin-to".

[BikeWriter]

1. Yep, funny but true!

[cmf]

2. ha ha!

I used to live in Houston, and one thing I definitely don't miss is the traffic! I get freaked out now when I have to drive down there.

[XNASA]

3. I have a theory about Houston traffic.

As a former Houstonian, I believe I have some insight.

The reason the drivers are so bad in Houston is because if you want to go someplace, you have no other option than to drive there. You might be too old to drive, partially blind, even mentally unstable, but you only have one choice if want to go someplace. YOU MUST DRIVE.

The streets of Houston are peppered with some of the worst drivers I've ever seen. And everyone suffers. For a city of over 2,000,000 not have public transportation is a sin. Ye reap what ye sow.

[lavenderdiva]

4. great post, kmlewis, but you forgot to add...

that all main freeways, tollways, and interstates, have been renamed by the locals to something else. For instance, Beltway 8 = Sam Houston Tollway, I-10 = East Freeway, I45 = North Freeway, US59 = Southwest Freeway, and so on. If you ask anyone for directions, they will tell you the colloquial name, not the REAL name, and then when you go to look on a map for that, it is nowhere to be found. It makes life very confusing for those who are new here.

[prole_for_peace]

5. i can't believe i forgot that.

i don't live in houston but i am only about 70 miles away so i am there frequently. and it is very annoying when someone uses the "insider" name for some road or freeway. i know some of the names but not all and i get very confused trying to follow directions to some place.

[Bridget Burke]

6. A few notes....

Actually, "San JA-cin-to" & "San HA-cin-to" are both wrong. The middle syllable is accented. ("San Ja-CIN-to" & "San Ha-CIN-to".) I heard some woman on the radio say "San Ya-CIN-to"--neither the Houstonian nor the Spanish pronunciation....

Another challenging street name: Fuqua. It's "Few-QUAY." Imagine some of the alternatives...

Another Traffic Rule? If you think you can drive through that flooded street--think again.



Source of the cool flood pictures: http://kevin.astroturfgarden.com/gallery/HoustonFlood_folder.html

(And will someone tell me why there's a West Mount Houston Road when there is NO mountain anywhere near Houston.)

[Archae]

7. According to what I've heard...

The worst US drivers are in Boston.

They don't even use their brakes, they just use other cars' bumpers to stop.

Here in Wisconsin we have the "Pull out in front of you at 90, causing you to slam on your brakes, then slow to 20."

And in rural areas, the "20 cars stuck behind some guy on a John Deere." :-)

[WritingIsMyReligion]

10. We Mainers call the Massachusetts/Bostonian drivers

Massholes.

'Cause they really ARE, up here on our tiny, narrow roads!

:P :P

[Archae]

12. Here in Sheboygan...

We have the FIB's.
Fucking Illinois Bastards, total jerks with Illinois plates.

I see them at the gas station across the road, usually some really dirty RV, with all sorts of right-wing bumper stickers on the back, stained and tattered little flag or flags, some guy's underwear stuffed into the filler pipe since they lost the gas gap, and they load up on the junk food.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

13. LOL! That's quite as bad as Massholes!

:spray:

[Samurai_Writer]

8. I learned to drive in Houston

Be afraid, be very afraid. Actually, my dad, who was from St. Louis, taught me. So I'm not as bad as you all would think.

Florida is another place with very horrible drivers. You actually have to learn how to drive a completely different way to avoid collisions in Florida. That's because there are three types of drivers in Florida:

1. Tourists, who drive slow and are prone to sudden stops and turns when trying to find where they are going.

2. Elderly drivers (some in their late 80s and early 90s), who not only drive slow, but will pull out right out in front of you. They also cross three lanes of traffic at a light to make a turn, without looking.

3. Everybody else, who is in a hell of a hurry to get to work, school or home, and weave in and out of traffic like it's NASCAR.

[musette_sf]

9. hahahahahaha

I needed that.

NASCAR on the tollway? Have things changed? The local multi-layered labrynth of law enforcement used to really put the smack down on Sam Houston Tollway speeders. I spent a Saturday at Defensive Driving at some classroom in Sharpstown for one of those.

Ditto on doing 85 on the 610 loop. I was there from '84 to '98, and though some smartasses were doing 85, I recall it was ardently prosecuted/persecuted (pick one) by the said multi-layered labrynth of law enforcement. 70 was about the most you could get away with on a consistent basis. Texas just has too many damned layers of law enforcement; for any given municipality there are at least four LE units that are permitted to harass and annoy the citizenry.

70 MPH in the 60 zone, yeah, that's right. Especially when driven by an F-350 in the lane next to you, on 290, during a raging t-storm. You couldn't see sh!t to begin with, and now you have less than zero visibility with a monster truck speeding around you. Fun!

Ruts in the grass to the feeder road -- hahahahahaha -- I'd forgotten about that.

I'll think of you all on the Katy Freeway as I drive home doing 80 over the San Mateo Bridge :-)

[flamingyouth]

11. I've never been so overwhelmed by traffic as I was in Houston

LA has nothing on that place, IMO.