What to do about an ailing parent.

[WWW]

My mother had to move in with us because of age and health. She really isn't doing well and really should be in a nursing home. Does any one have any experience in this? Today I told her that the local nursing home has short term care available and she might want to look into this. She can barely walk and needs help going to the bathroom during the day. I am sure anyone reading this thread knows that the elderly fear going into a nursing home because that means that it is the last stop. The nursing home would be the best place for her and our family, but God I hate to make the decision for her. I told myself that I would keep her here until she broke something or started wetting the bed, which she is very close to doing.. I guess my question is when do you say enough is enough?
And, again, lurkers please weigh in, I need your thoughts.


edited because I used a bad adjective

[travisleit01]

1. What

does her being a "Freeper" have to do with anything?

[prolesunited]

2. My thought exactly

She's you friggin' parent regardless of her political beliefs. I think you still have some time to edit before your get majorly flamed.

[WWW]

3. Freeper being that she isn't

very pleasant to be around...she is constanly arguing about how Clinton was the worst president ever, how Reagan is the second coming, etc. how we belong in Iraq, etc.

[boneygrey]

8. Love your mother

She has a right to her opinion, right or wrong. She's your mother for Christ's sake . Get over it.

[nini]

4. Can you not handle the burden of the care? or just need the separation?

If you just prefer she not be in the home, then you'll have to place her no matter what.

If you just can't handle the care itself, talk to a social worker at a hospital or through the dr's office.... and setup home health care.

Medicare or state type insurance should handle care for her if she does not have private insurance. You can get someone to come in and do baths, meals etc..


Good Luck, it's a tough thing to go through

on edit.. clarified the subject line

[TNDemo]

5. A few thoughts from a BTDT person.

Would you be eligible for home health care through Medicare? That might help you some for the short term. It's according to what her health problems are. We had to put my mother, her mother and my FIL in a nursing home within months of each other and there is nothing easy about it. It sounds like your mother still has her mental capabilities, which in some ways makes it harder. The bottom line is it is probably going to be you having to make the decision. It is a rare aging parent who says "I think it is time for me to go to the nursing home." You have to decide when impact on your family is too negative. One thing that might help is if you have a geriatric assessment program in your area (most cities have these). They usually have the patient stay for up to a week for the inpatient evaluation (there is usually outpatient also if that is a problem) and Medicare pays for it. They assess just what the issues are for your mother - what skills she is lacking and what kind of help she needs. They can help you decide what the next step is. As far as wetting the bed - can't she just wear Depends at night?

[WWW]

10. Nope too rich

She makes $14,000 a year and owns her own house and no she won't wear depends.

[TNDemo]

11. Too rich for what?

$14,000 is too much income for what?

[WWW]

14. any fukin government program n/t

[VOX]

6. She is now the infant you once were...

It's no consolation, but she needs you during this time, as difficult as that is for the both of you.

On many levels, your mom knows that her dignity and life are running away from her, and it's natural for her to be scared.

I went through an eldercare situation with my mom for nine years (she died this past February) -- in and out of nursing homes and hospitals -- a series of falls, a stroke and finally a heart attack. I had to clean the floor and her bed several times, bring her supplies, etc.

All this is to say that you're not alone in this.

Does your/her situation allow you to get home care for her? Are there any church/temple volunteers that might be willing to help out, if for only a couple of hours a day to spell you?

If you can let her stay in the house until she absolutely requires custodial care, you would be giving her a great gift. It is agonizing for you, but it *will* end, and you'll be glad that you cared for your mom in the best way that you could.

Hang in there, I know how tough this is --

[greatauntoftriplets]

16. I agree re home care, rezmutt.

My 92-year-old mother lives with me and she has that.

[WWW]

17. but she didn't bring me up

I was brought up my grandparents...My mother and I never really never lived together..

[Karenina]

28. WWW...

I hold you and yours next to my heart. I can almost hear you screaming, "What IS my responsibility to her?" Only you can decide what you wish to take on. To those who say, "But she's your MOTHER" I say FUCK OFF.
It comes down to what you really feel about your relationship with her.
Are you somehow bound by biology to endure (perhaps another) nightmare?
Only you can decide. Please do not allow yourself to be driven by others' expectations, guilt or anger. Find that place of peace and balance within yourself and I know you will act accordingly. You have your own household to protect and nurture. You can and will decide what is best for all involved. Much love to you and yours.

[kayob1]

7. Have you

talked to her doctor about home health care? I know they help with meds and catheters and such, but don't have details of how much/what types of help you can actually get. You really should talk to her doctor, for sure, though. S/he would probably be able to assess the situation pretty well and give advice. You have my sympathy and good luck.

[dolo amber]

15. Hiya kayob1

Welcome to DU :hi:

[kayob1]

26. Thanks!

[WWW]

21. I had to get an ambulance to

take her to the doctors two weeks ago, he prescribed nothing for her...He said she needed a mammogram because she wasn't up to date.

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

9. Voice of experience here:

You are not likely to be equipped, in any manner, to deal with a elderly person with bathroom or continance issues. I know, I tried, and I paid quite the price in sanity. Furthermore, if she is sitting or lying down for a significant part of the day, there are resperatory, muscular and skeletal issues. My mother ended up with 7 fractured vertabrae from laying in bed and having osteoporosis, and getting no physical therapy. I was not knowledgable, nor was I equipped.

You may have to make the toughest decision you will ever have to make and my heart breaks for you, having played that town once. But know this: It is highly probable that it will also be the best decision you have ever made, on behalf of a parent. In a GOOD nursing home, she will get all the care she needs and more.

You, on the other hand, will not spend a few years digging out of the emotional trench home care leaves you in. Like I did and have and continue to do.

I found out, too late in the game, that you also have a responsibility to yourself in all this. Don't take that responsibility too lightly.

[WWW]

12. thanks so much for that reply

I really am feeling so burnt out right now...earlier in the post I called her a Freeper which people criticizes me for...But the mental as well as the physical thing is really frying me right now...

[roguevalley]

22. The toll on care givers cannot be discounted. And having her going

on about things that are so irritating is a drag on the
energy needed to do everything else too. Its a lot of
work taking care of a sick person like this and keeping
the rest of your life going. My dad takes a lot of care
and we've beaten strokes and cancer.

Don't be hard on yourself. Especially if you aren't
that close. No one knows your story. Just make a decision
that you can live with. Maybe a home is the best place.
Explore a small group home, not a large facility. My
grandma was in a home with three other old ladies and
lived well. Those are sometimes very, very nice places,
like a home of their own.

Take care.

[Catshrink]

13. Is it time for hospice?

Finally, after several years of decline, my mom's doc decided she was eligible for hospice care. It's awesome! Medicare pays for everything and she has two RN visits a week and 3 visits from a CNA for bathing, etc.

Mom has been in and out of the hospital the last three years. The time before last, she went to a nursing home for some rehab physical therapy before coming home. She hated it -- she buzzed at night for help going to the bathroom and no one showed. (She had diarrhea for a week.) When no one showed one night, she called my sister at 3am to come over and help her. My sister did, and once that happened, the care started improving because they saw she had family nearby to see what was going on.

The reason mom agreed to hospice was that she wouldn't have to go through that ordeal again.

So, what does this mean to you, WWW? Well, for one thing, you aren't alone in this. I admire you for taking your mom into your home -- that's a big step. A friend of mine -- who has the same arrangement you do -- has a home health care worker in everyday about noon to get his dad lunch and visit with him a bit while my friend is at work.

Is there an adult day care center near your home or where you work? Another friend of mine takes her mother there everyday on her way to work.

I wish you the best.

(as far as the freeper stuff -- I missed that. But I can tell you, my parents listen to Rush and O'Really all the damn time and I hate it. It's loud because mom is hard of hearing which makes it worse. O'Really's vitriolic attacks are agony and I can't avoid them. I understand this issue -- it sucks!)

[blondeatlast]

25. How I wish my dad had been eligible for hospice.

Up until he died, the doctors thought he would recover so didn't want to make him hospice eligible. He was in rehab/nursing home to prepare him to be sent home. That very night he had a stroke. He held on just long enough for my Mom and me to arrive at the ER. I think once he saw us there, he let himself into the hands of God.

Apologies--I know this isn't about me, but it is cathartic.

[Catshrink]

29. My mom's doc resisted hospice also

But the hospital doc encouraged it and one of my sister's is a hospice volunteer. The hopsital doc was wonderful and put it to my mom in a very tender and gentle way. When mom understood that there would be no more 12 hour trips to the ER and 5 day hospital stays she went along. They really can't do much anymore -- she has congestive heart failure and her kidneys are failing.

I am so impressed with hospice! The social worker lit a fire under my dad's butt to get their living wills, power of attorneys, and funeral arrangements in order. No one wants to think of those things, but it's part of what hospice does.

I'm sorry blonde that you didn't have this. We had to stand up to mom's doc of 15 years to get it through and it wasn't easy. Thanks for sharing your story. It lets me know how lucky we are to have this available.

[kstewart33]

18. Some advice from experience

I took care of my mom for seven months full-time in my home until she died of lung cancer. I was lucky--I had just left my job to be a full-time mom and I was able to care for her.

It was very difficult but I have to say I enjoyed caring for her because I loved her dearly. The care I gave her also helped me with my grieving her because I knew that I had given her the best final months that she could have had.

However, I had the time and in the final 6 weeks, help from at-home visits from a caring hospice worker, and the help of a dear friend of the family.

The essential question--you have to balance the benefits of caring for her (it will help you when she is gone) against the reality of whether you can effectively care for her. If you honestly cannot provide the care that she needs, you should place her in the best nursing home that she and you can afford. But if you can provide good care, there are real benefits for her and you in doing so, at least for a time.

Good luck.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

19. How old is she and what are her actual medical conditions?

My father needed round the clock care for five years due to being blind, incontinent and in a wheel chair. There were times when I thought he should be institutionalized or in a nursing home but in the long run, we didn't do it and he died in his own home.

He was a pleasant person so while the physical end was difficult, the rest was tolerable.
We did have home health care for some of his conditions which gave us some respite.

There is also an organization called CAREGIVER RESOURCES. They have branches in every state. There are other orgs depending on her other diagnoses that may offer insight into the services available in your state.

There are nursing homes, skilled nursing facilities and independent living centers, depending on her mobility.

It is important to determine which would be the most appropriate given her condition.

If you do decide you CAN'T take care of her, look into these. Her income may also be enough to qualify for some in home care a few hours a day so that you have some respite.

[roguevalley]

20. sweetie, do you have home health care available? it is an alternative

to going some place. explore the available places and
make sure you visit every day. we went during grandpa's
lunch to make sure he had a good meal every day.

There are no easy answers but if you can keep them at
home, make sure you get home health care coming in
every day. Sometimes they can stay all day.

Take care,

RV

[blondeatlast]

23. My dad died of colon cancer in May, and I wish he could have been

home with us every moment, even though he had lost bathroom control.

We were fortunate enough to have found an absolutely wonderful rehab/nursing home for him. If she absolutely must go, make sure you put her in a place you can actually feel good about.

Imagine what life is like for her now. I was blessed with amazing, wonderful parents, your situation may not be so, but you will never have this time to relive. Don't do something you'll regret later. Put yourself in her place (Imagine if you were the the aging LW parent and she were the Freeper child, for instance). Don't bring up politics--there surely is something else you can discuss.

Love her like hell now--you don't want to be wishing you had later on.

Prayers sent to all involved. I know this is painful for all.

[chookie]

27. Not just for people with superb parents

My mother and I always had a very difficult relationship. She was not an easy person to get along with, to put it mildly. And when she got Alzheimers -- oh my god, it was horrific.

But when she needed me to care for her, I did. It was very hard to do -- as you well know -- but I am so very glad I did so. It was a way for us to heal all differences and past difficulty. Every difficulty we had ever had sure seemed petty in the light of what was going on now!

Just wanted to give your lovely and thoughtful post a footnote, that this kind of in-home care can even be done *well* by those whose relations have not been so easy. In these cases, you do sort of have to say "toodles!" to your own ego for a while, because it is the only way to get through things -- but it can be done.

[chookie]

24. My experience

After living almost 20 happy years in FL, my mother's health got very bad, and the fam back home was not able to take care of her. I moved back to SW PA, clearly the craziest thing I've ever done in my life.

She was in late stage Alzheimer's, very sick and quite out of her mind. I had to do more and more for her as she became more ill. At one point, she was lucid enough to tell us she did not want to live any more, so our doctor recommended a home hospice program -- she received only pain medication and things to make her comfortable. It was a really smart decision for us. You better believe it was HARD; it was gruelling; it was impossible to take care of her -- but we did, with the help of the home hospice health team, who were simply awesome and looked after all of our needs. It was about 1.5 years of this, but my mother was able to spend her last months in her home, with her pets, in familiar surroundings, and when she died, it was with all of us around her, and with her in peace. It was tough, but I am glad I did it.

It is a very hard task, and not everyone can deal with the stuff that comes up -- luckily I have a very high tolerance for tough situations and have a knack for medical procedures and patient nursing, but it is a course I would recommend to anyone who is considering it, if they are able to pull it off. (I am an artist and can work odd hours out of a home studio so I was available at all times.) If you have cooperative siblings who can help, you can divvy up care -- my sister and I really supported each other and it was wonderful.

Believe it or not -- with her Alzheimer's, it was even worse having her in a hospital, because she was so out of her mind and would wander -- and they would tie her to her bed. Yikes. She was in a nursing home temporarily, and it was an awful experience -- demented patients screaming, etc. I am sure there are lots of nice nursing homes out there, and, as well, for many people, caring for a parent with a high level of need is simply not an option. But looking back, I am glad, very glad, that my mother was in her home at the end. My Dad is still alive, and we intend to care for him in the same manner. It's tough, but, as someone pointed out above, it does not last forever.

Something that was funny was that all my friends in FL, my mother's doctor, AND the Alzheimer's Foundation all told me I was crazy to go and care for her. That was EXCELLENT advice. But I did not heed it, and I do not regret it.

Your mother's attitude can help you make your decision. Some people are cooperative about such matters, and will agree that to go into a nursing home is something they should do for the good of the whole family. My mother, on the other hand, was very stubborn and was resistant to outside care to the point of violence. So -- for *us* -- it was kind of the only option, so we just played the cards we were dealt.

If you can handle the committment of home care, try it, by all means. Nursing homes are just as difficult for all concerned, in their own way.

In conclusion, listen, doll -- this is going to be tough no matter what you decide, and you need to be strong. No decision you make will be easy. The end of life is a hard road. But -- as a DUer told me at the time I was caring for her (she died a year ago) you'll be surprised at what shit you can live through!

That's just my own experience, one way to look at things that I wanted to share with you. There's no right or wrong here. You've been given excellent advice by others here that is in total contradiction to mine, and I have absolutely no argument with anyone's choice. You need to make the right decision for yourself and your mother -- and I hope you find the wisdom within to guide your decision, and the strength you are going to need as you begin to walk this road with your Mom.

Many hugs and kisses to you, my dear. As one recently in your situation, I understand.