Monty Python song lyrics!

[Oeditpus Rex]

Post 'em if you got 'em. :evilgrin:



Sit on my face and tell me that you love me
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too
I love to hear you oralise
When I'm between your thighs
You blow me away!

Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you
I'll sit on your face and let my love be tru-ly
Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine
And we sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play
'til we're blown away!

[KitchenWitch]

1. ...

DAD:
There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on. You're
A Catholic the moment Dad came,

Because

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

GIRL:
Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

MUM:
Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

MEN:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
WOMEN:
If a sperm is wasted,...
CHILDREN:
...God get quite irate.

PRIEST:
Every sperm is sacred.
BRIDE and GROOM:
Every sperm is good.
NANNIES:
Every sperm is needed...
CARDINALS:
...In your neighbourhood!

CHILDREN:
Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.
FUNERAL CORTEGE:
God needs everybody's.
MOURNER #1:
Mine!
MOURNER #2:
And mine!
CORPSE:
And mine!

NUN:
Let the Pagan spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
HOLY STATUES:
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

EVERYONE:
Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

[deadparrot]

2. Some things in life are bad...

They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear
and curse
When you're chewing on
life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...
And...

...always look on the bright side
of life...
(Whistle)

Always look on the light side
of life...
(Whistle)

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and
dance and sing
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle
- that's the thing.
And...always look on the bright
side of life...
(Whistle)

Come on.

Always look on the bright side
of life...
(Whistle)

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain
with a bow
Forget about your sin - give the
audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance
anyhow.
So always look on the bright side
of death
Just before you draw your
terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke
it's true
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh
is on you
And always look on the bright side
of life...
(Whistle)

Always look on the right side
of life...
(Whistle)

Come on Brian, cheer up.

Always look on the bright side
of life...

Always look on the bright side
of life...

Worse things happen at sea you know.

Always look on the bright side
of life...

I mean - what have you got to lose?
You know, you come from nothing
- you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing.

Always look on the right side
of life...

[Dangerously Amused]

3. Holy sh!t! Locking in 3... 2... 1...

:nuke:

[RevCheesehead]

4. One of my favorites:

Immanuel Kant was a real piss-ant who was very rarely stable.
Heideggar, Heideggar was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out-consume Schoppenhauer and Hegel.
And Whittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as sloshed as Schlegel.

There's nothing Nieizsche couldn't teach 'ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stewart Mill, of his own free will
On half a pint of shanty was particularly ill.
Plato they say could stick it away,
Half a crate of whiskey every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
And Hoppes was fond of his dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart.
"I drink, therefore I am."

Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.

[Oeditpus Rex]

6. The night a guy and I sang that

in a British-style pub was the night I realized there might really be something to this Python business.

And the rest is hysteria.

[RevCheesehead]

8. When I finally DO meet you in person,

we simply MUST do this!! :bounce::bounce:

[Oeditpus Rex]

9. What, bounce our boobies?

I'm under-qualified, y'know... :blush:

[RevCheesehead]

10. Don't be silly.

I dedicate this one to you:


All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty,
The Lord God made the lot.

Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom,
He made their horrid wings.

All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The Lord God made them all.

Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid,
Who made the spikey urchin,
Who made the sharks, He did.

All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small,
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.

AMEN.

[Oeditpus Rex]

11. Bravo!

:rofl:

[Richard Steele]

5. I never wanted to be a barber...

BARBER:
I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay.
I sleep all night and I work all day.


MOUNTIES:
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
BARBER:
I cut down trees. I eat my lunch.
I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch.
He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.


BARBER:
I cut down trees. I skip and jump.
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing
And hang around in bars.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps.
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around in bars?!
He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
BARBER:
I cut down trees. I wear high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie,
Just like my dear Papa.
MOUNTIES:
He cuts down trees. He wears high heels,
Suspendies, and a bra?!

What's this? Wants to be a girlie?! Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

[RevCheesehead]

7. Thank the Lord for the internets!

Henry Kissinger, I've been missin' yer
You're the doctor of my dreams
With your crinkly hair and your glassy stare
And your Machiavellian schemes

All right, so people say that you don't care
But you've got nicer legs than Hitler and bigger tits than Cher
Henry Kissinger, how I'm missin' yer
And wishing you were here

[pokerfan]

12. The Galaxy Song

Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown
And things seem hard or tough
And people are stupid, obnoxious or daft
And you feel that you've had quite enough

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving and revolving at 900 miles an hour
That's orbiting at 90 miles a second, so it's reckoned, the Sun that is the source of all our power
The Sun and you and me, and all the stars that we can see are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at 40,000 miles an hour, of a galaxy we call the Milky Way

Our Galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars, it's a hundred thousand lightyears side to side
It bulges in the middle, 16,000 lightyears thick but out by us it's just 3,000 lightyears wide
We're 30,000 lightyears from galactic central point, we go round every 200 million years
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions in this amazing and expanding universe

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, in all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, the speed of light you know, twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is
So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure how amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space 'cause there's bugger all down here on Earth

[Oeditpus Rex]

13. Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?

Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick
From the tiniest little tadger
To the world's biggest prick

So three cheers for your willy or John Thomas
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend
Your Percy or your cock
You can wrap it up in ribbons
You can slip it in your sock
But don't take it out in public
Or they'll put you in the dock
And you won't come back

[Random_Australian]

14. Brave Sir Robin Ran Away - Monty Python

Bravely bold Sir Robin
Rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die,
Oh brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid
To be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.

He was not in the least bit scared
To be mashed into a pulp.
Or to have his eyes gouged out,
And his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split
And his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled
Brave Sir Robin.

His head smashed in
And his heart cut out
And his liver removed
And his bowls unplugged
And his nostrils raped
And his bottom burnt off
And his pen--

"That's... that's enough music for now lads, *** there's dirty work afoot*** ???."

Brave Sir Robin ran away.
("No!")
Bravely ran away away.
("I didn't!")
When danger reared it's ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
("I never!")
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out.
("You're lying!")
****Bravely**** taking to his feet,
He beat a very brave retreat.
Bravest of the braaaave, Sir Robin!

[In_The_Wind]

15. .

[malmapus]

16. Oliver Cromwell was always my favorite

Oliver Cromwell - Monty Python

SPOKEN: THE MOST INTERESTING THING ABOUT KING CHARLES I IS THAT HE WAS 5'6" TALL AT THE START OF HIS REIGN, BUT ONLY 4'8" TALL AT THE END OF IT...

BECAUSE OF...

Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England (PURITAN)

Born in 1599 and died in 1658 (SEPTEMBER)

Was at first (ONLY)

MP for Huntingdon (BUT THEN)

He led the Ironside Cavalry at Marston Moor in 1644 and won.
Then he founded the New Model Army
And praise be, beat the Cavaliers at Naseby
And the King fled up North like a bat to the Scots.

SPOKEN: BUT UNDER THE TERMS OF JOHN PYM'S SOLEMN LEAGUE AND COVENANT, THE SCOTS HANDED KING CHARLES I OVER TO...

Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England (AND HIS WARTS)

Born in 1599 and died in 1658 (SEPTEMBER)

But alas (OY VEY!)

Disagreement then broke out (BETWEEN)

The Presbyterian Parliament and the Military who meant
To have an Independent bent.
And so...the Second Civil War broke out
And the Roundhead ranks
Faced the Cavaliers at Preston Lancs
And the King lost again, silly thing (STUPID GIT)

SPOKEN: AND CROMWELL SEND COLONEL PRIDE TO PURGE THE HOUSE OF COMMONS OF THE PRESBYTERIAN ROYALISTS LEAVING BEHIND ONLY THE RUMP PARLIAMENT...

Which appointed a High Court at Westminster Hall
To indict Charles I for...tyranny (OOOOHHH!)

Charles was sentenced to death
Even though he refused to accept that the court had...jurisdiction (SAY GOODBYE TO HIS HEAD)

Poor King Charles laid his head on the block

SPOKEN: JANUARY 1649

Down came the axe, and...

SPOKEN: IN THE SILENCE THAT FOLLOWED, THE ONLY SOUND THAT COULD BE HEARD WAS A SOLITARY GIGGLE, FROM...

Oliver Cromwell, Lord Protector of England (OLE!)

Born in 1599 and died in 1658 (SEPTEMBER)

Then he smashed (IRELAND)

Set up the Commonwealth (AND MORE)

He crushed the Scots at Worcester
And beat the Dutch at sea
In 1653 and then
He dissolved the Rump Parliament
And with Lambert's consent
Wrote the Instrument of Government
Under which Oliver was Protector at last
The End!

[AllegroRondo]

17. The Penis Song

INTRO: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.

Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis,
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy,
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger,
To the world's biggest prick.

So three cheers for your Will or John Thomas,
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your percy or your cock,
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public,
or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.

[Laelth]

18. The Song of the Knights of Camelot

(spoken)

Launcelot: Look, my liege!

(fanfare)

Launcelot: Camelot!
Robin: Camelot!
Galahad: Camelot!
Patsy: (whispered) It's only a model.
Galahad: Shh!

Arthur: Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride...to
CAMELOT!

song:

We're knights of the round table, we dance whene're we're able.
We do routines, and border scenes, with footwork imp-e-cable;
We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and jam and spamalot.

We're knights of the round table, our shows are for-mid-able
Though many times, we're given rhymes, that are quite un-sing-able
We're not so bad in Camelot, we sing from the Dia-phragm alot!

Though we're tough and able,
Quite in-de-fa-ti-gable,
Between our quests, we seek incest and impersonate Clark Gable,
It's a busy life in Camelot:

I have to push the pram-a-lot!

Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
Others: Right, right....

Laelth: What the heck is a pram? :rofl:

-Laelth

[malmapus]

19. Decomposing Composers

Decomposing Composers - Monty Python

Intro: Right ho, darling. Yeh, be home
(spoken) about 8:30. No, no I'll go on a
bike.

Beethoven's gone but his music lives on,
And Mozart don't go shoppin' no more,
You'll never meet Liszt or Brahms again,
And Elgar doesn't answer the door.

Schübert and Chopin used to chuckle and laugh,
Whilst composing a long symphony,
But one hundred and fifty years later,
There's very little of them left to see.

They're decomposing composers,
There's nothing much anyone can do,
You can still hear Beethoven,
But Beethoven cannot hear you.

Händel and Haydn and Rachmaninov,
Enjoyed a nice drink with their meal,
But nowadays no-one will serve them,
And their gravy is left to congeal.

Verdi and Wagner delighted the crowds,
With their highly original sound,
The pianos they played are still working,
But they're both six feet underground.

They're decomposing composers,
There's less of them every year,
You can say what you like to Debussy,
But there's not much of him left to hear.

Finish: Claude Achille Debussy, died 1918.
Christophe Willebaud Gluck, died 1787.
Carl Maria von Weber, not at all well 1825, died 1826.
Giacomo Meyerbeer, still alive 1863, not still alive 1864.
Modeste Mussorgsky, 1880 going to parties, no fun anymore 1881.
Johan Nepomuck Hummel, chatting away nineteen to the
dozen with his mates down the pub every
evening 1836, 1837 nothing.

[Monkey see Monkey Do]

20. Finland

Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I want to be
Pony trekking or camping
Or just watching TV
Finland, Finland, Finland
It's the country for me

You're so near to Russia
So far from Japan
Quite a long way from Cairo
Lots of miles from Vietnam

Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I want to be
Eating breakfast or dinner
Or snack lunch in the hall
Finland, Finland, Finland
Finland has it all

You're so sadly neglected
And often ignored
A poor second to Belgium
When going abroad

Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I quite want to be
Your mountains so lofty
Your treetops so tall
Finland, Finland, Finland
Finland has it all

Finland, Finland, Finland
The country where I quite want to be
Your mountains so lofty
Your treetops so tall
Finland, Finland, Finland
Finland has it all
Finland has it all

-----

(no fair you can post that, but when I posted Lenny Bruce's 'To is a Preposition, Come is a Verb' it was locked in minutes :))

[In_The_Wind]

21. Every Sperm Is Sacred

There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them.

I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.

You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on. You're
A Catholic the moment Dad came,

Because

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.


Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.

If a sperm is wasted,...

...God get quite irate.


Every sperm is sacred.

Every sperm is good.

Every sperm is needed...

...In your neighbourhood!


Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.

God needs everybody's.

Mine!

And mine!

And mine!

Let the Pagan spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.

God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite iraaaaaate!

[DinahMoeHum]

22. I Bet You They Won't Play This Song OPn The Radio. . .

I bet they won't play this song on the radio
I bet you they won't play this new (bleep) song
It's not that it's (buzz) or (beep beep) controversial
Just that the (dinging) words are awfully strong

You can't say (honk) on the radio
Or (shot) or (twang) or (bleh),
You can't even say I'd like to (creak) you one day
Unless you're a doctor with a very large (boing)

So I bet you they won't play this song on the radio
I bet you they daren't (scratching) well programme it
I bet you their (ch-chinging) old Program Directors
Will think it's a load of horse (:P)


:evilgrin:

[AllegroRondo]

23. Eric the half a bee

Half a bee, philisophically,
Must ipso facto half not be.
But half a bee has got to be
Vis a vis it's entity.
-d'you see?
But can a bee be said to be
Or not to be an entire bee,
When
half the bee is not a bee,
Due to some ancient injury.
-Singing!...
All sing: La di di, one two three,
Eric the Half a Bee.
A B C D E F G,
Eric the Half a Bee.
Leader: Is this wretched demi-bee,
Half asleep upon my knee,
Some freak from a mena
gerie?
All yell: No! It's Eric the Half a Bee.
All sing: Fiddle di dum, fiddle di dee,
Eric the Half a Bee.
Ho ho ho, tee hee hee,
Eric the Half a Bee.
Leader: I love this hive employ-ee-ee,
Bisected accidentally,
One summer's afternoon by me,
I love him carnally.
All sing: He loves him carnally...
Leader: Semi-carnally.
(speaks)
The End.
Voice: Cyril Connolly?
Leader: No, semi-carnally.
Voice: Oh.
All sing: (Quietly)
Cyril Connolly