Changing your name in marriage

[hyphenate]

I hope this doesn't make me sound incredibly nosy, but....

I always said that if I married, I would not change my last name, that I would keep my maiden name. Well, I have never married, but even now I am still inclined to say I would keep my own name. My niece is getting married next week, and is changing hers.

So I'm wondering....how many changed theirs when they married; how many didn't change theirs; etc. Anyone using a hyphenated form for a last name? Or an adopted name? Or what? I had a friend who kept her maiden name, and when they had children, the boys kept their father's surname, and the girls got the mother's surname.

I suppose there are some circumstances which can't be accounted for, but I get a bit piqued at women who insist they are never going to change, but when they get married they end up changing it anyhow.

[SeattleGirl]

1. I did change mine, and then I didn't

And no, I'm not imitating John Kerry! In my previous marriage, I took my husband's last name. When we divorced, I did not change my name back, for several reasons. One is, my daughter. I wanted us to have the same last name (though she is getting married, and said she's changing her last name to his, which is fine by me). The other reason is, I never liked how my first (and middle) names sounded with my maiden name. All three names end with an "e" sound.

When I married again, I kept my former husband's name, which by then I felt was my name, and had nothing to do with him. We've been divorced far longer than we were married. He had no problem with it. The current Mr. SG did, at first, but now he doesn't. The other reason I didn't want to change it to his last name is that instead of too many "e's", it had too many "b's". I thought that the combo of my first name and his last sounded liked Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers.

Everyone is different. I know men who have hyphenated their last names along with their wife's. Men who have changed THEIR last name to their wife's last name. And, I even know other women like me, who still use their ex's last name, even though they are married to someone else.

Our names are very personal, I believe, and we should be the ones to say whether they should be changed or not.

[MissB]

2. I hyphenated for a bit.

Only because I'd started to build up a professional reputation and wanted a transition time between names.

I abhor my maiden name. If it hadn't sucked so badly, I probably would've kept it.

[rbnyc]

3. Kept my name - hyphenated son's last name. (nt)

[Gormy Cuss]

4. I am surprised that so many women change their names these days.

Other cultures seem to survive just fine without it. I wonder sometimes if the ERA had passed in the '70s whether this cultural standard would have disappeared. As it is, the acceptance of other naming patterns after marriage is a direct result of the ERA 'statements' -- the first generation when more than a few kept their names, hyphenated them, or made other changes other than the woman assuming the man's surname. I heard those women and said "hell ya!" I wonder how differently girls would view themselves if they thought of their childhood name as a permanent fixture just the way boys do.

Oh yeah, and if it's not obvious, didn't change it, never considered changing it.

--GC, employing her usual subtle, tactful approach.
:silly:

[Ravenseye]

5. My wife changed hers

After she went through all the red tape of changing your name, we came to the conclusion that it really wasn't worth it. She could just have introduced herself as my last name even if 'legally' it wasn't. Our kids have my last name though because i'm a patrilineal misogynist. ;)

[politicat]

6. Kept my name because I'm too lazy to change it.

No, there are other reasons. DH doesn't like his last name, and while neither of us very much like our fathers, we both love my grandmother and grandfather, who gave me my name. So I kept my name to honor them. And even though I'm not having children, it keeps the name alive a bit longer - both of my sisters took their husbands' names without hyphenation (though both kids have our last name as a middle name) and my only male cousin is gay and not likely to have children.

DH and I have talked about working out a mutually agreeable third name and changing both of our names, but again, it's a lot of work.

If he had felt strongly about me changing my name, I would have, but since I have professional work published under my birth name, it makes sense not to change it it possible.

[Whoa_Nelly]

7. I have a the strangest story to tell regarding my name changes

On June 17, 1978, at 12 Noon in Colorado Springs (MDT) I was married for the first time. I took my husband's name.

We divorced three years later, but I kept his last name as mine for our son's sake, and I had custody of him.

In 1986, I remarried, and took the new hubby's name...for only two years (learned A LOT about alcoholism during that time...).

After the divorce, went back to previous (first) married name for my son's sake. After all, he and I, at least, were still a team.

In 1992, I married for a third time and took the new hubby's name.

We divorced five years later...learned a lot about abusive men in that one...*whew*

Now...here's the strange thing about my name changes.

On June 17, 1997 at 11 AM (PDT) was remanded my maiden name.

Read back to the original time I gave up using my maiden name in 1978.

It was EXACTLY 19 years to the day, to the hour, to the minute that I regained use of my maiden name from the time I voluntarily gave it up in 1978.

**shudder**

Was quite the turning point in my life.

Should I EVER marry again am definitely keeping my maiden name FOREVER!

[Katherine Brengle]

8. I haven't changed mine, and...

I am actually going to ask my husband (when he gets home in a few weeks) if he is comfortable with hyphenating our daughter's last name (right now, she has his).

He wants me to change it, but I think the entire idea is inherently sexist.

[LostinVA]

45. It is inherently sexist, and I have seen very independent, feminist

friends back down from family pressure and change their names after all. One of them did it, because her fiance's grandfather made him cry by calling him a wimp, etc. But that's another story..... However, one couple told both sets of parents to take a hike... she kept her name, and their child's name is hyphenated.

Why do you want to give up a part of who you are??? And, in many states, your middle name you've always had disappears, and your maiden name becomes your new middle name. Weird...

[TallahasseeGrannie]

75. I did it because my maiden name

was not mine, either. It is my father's name. Not my mother's. I write under my first and middle name.

[Katherine Brengle]

89. Good point, but...

if it had been your mother's, it still would not have been "yours" alone. And it likely would have been her father's.

The way I see it, the name I have lived with is my name, regardless of where it originally came from. I have written it, and I have been called by it, and it is part of my existence.

[TallahasseeGrannie]

98. Yeah, women get the short end all the way around,

for sure. We ought to just make up our own names.

In genealogy, when you get involved with dna studies for surnames, only the men with the surnames are eligible. Because that line is considered purest.

Sheesh.

[LostinVA]

105. Grannie, I totally respect anyone who chooses to do it

I just mean that I think it's inherently sexist to EXPECT a woman to do it, and make a big deal out of it when she does do it.

[TallahasseeGrannie]

116. Absolutely agreed

I doubt that my new daughter-in-law (to be) will take my son's name. Her names just "fit" beautifully and she is a reporter for a paper.

I personally never felt any pressure. I did it mostly because I wanted to have the same name as my husband. Teamwork and all.

[Katherine Brengle]

87. It's an extremely archaic practice--

and I just read The Handmaid's Tale last night, now I am definitely not changing mine.

I would tell anyone who tried to bully me to f* off.

[TallahasseeGrannie]

100. What could be more personal

than deciding what you name is?

I would suggest that if a woman has strong opinions about keeping her name and her "groom" also has strong opinions about taking his name...it might not be a match made in heaven.

Or by the FSM or whatever.

[Left Is Write]

112. I loved my original last name (I don't like the term "maiden name")...

but I did change it when I got married. I like sharing the same last name as my husband.

I wish I'd been able to keep my name in there somehow; I have a VERY strong connection to family and roots. I considered dropping my middle name and using my original last name as my middle name, but it was unwieldy and besides, I just love my middle name. Keeping all four (first name, middle name, original last name, new last name) would have been just too much.

My children have two different last names. My oldest has my original last name. I was single when I had her, and I chose to give her my name. Her father later accused me of "robbing" her of her "rightful" name, but I said she had just as much right to MY name as HIS.

My two younger children came along after my marriage, so they have the last name their father and I share.

I like my original name better than my married name, but I also like sharing a name with my husband. I wish there were a way to use both that sounded good to my ear.

[LostinVA]

104. God, that book seared me for days...

[Katherine Brengle]

111. I read it in 3 hours and I am still walking around in a haze...

I've been playing with my daughter, and it keeps hitting me... I walk to the bathroom, or change my clothes, or eat something, and it hits me...

The scariest part of it is that right now, our country has the budding potential for something like this to actually happen...

[LostinVA]

130. When I read it, I considered it fantasy... now?

Now, it scares the hell out of me!

[Katherine Brengle]

141. For me, it was far too realistic to be regarded as fantasy--

but this is the first time I have read it, so my worldview is different than it probably would have been when it first came out...

[NNadir]

9. We gave both my boys their mother's last name.

They are the last males in the country who bear that name, my father-in-law excepted. (He, by the way, didn't approve of our "wierdness."

I love my wife and her (and my boy's) name.

[Katherine Brengle]

11. But you never changed yours?

Just curious, did you ever consider it? (Nothing meant, just wondering if anyone ever does that...)

[NNadir]

13. No. We kept our names well into our marriage. We'd been together

almost a decade before deciding to have children.

I think my wife deserves to have my sons carry her name. She is responsible for what fine young men they are turning out to be, her love, her infinite kindness and her decency. I'm am proud my boys have her name.

[Left Is Write]

10. I changed my name.

[swag]

12. Nah, she didn't, and I didn't either.

And we spared the world offspring.

It is right to give thanks and praise.

[LostinVA]

46. hehehehhe... an ex-Catholic, Swag?

[swag]

62. I once had a Catholic girlfriend who liked to go to church.

[LostinVA]

63. Just asking, since you had part of the Mass in your post

[swag]

67. Thanks. I was pleased that someone noticed.

[LostinVA]

72. Every week from a baby until I became heathenized in my 20's

"Through Him, with Him..."

[swag]

74. "Lift up your hearts"

"We will lift them up to the Lord."

I was raised a fundamentalist, me. I don't think that part of my upbringing has been helpful to me.

Glad to be an atheist.

[Missy Vixen]

14. I kept my maiden name and added my husband's surname

I don't have a hyphen. They're pretentious :evilgrin:. In the meantime, I spend a hell of a lot of time spelling my surnames, answering questions about it, whatever. It's a drag.

Julie
Just telling people now that I got married during the Clinton administration. This usually shuts them up...

[In_The_Wind]

15. I hyphenated my last name. I was always sorry that I did.

Everyone's filing system seemed to be different. It was usually confusing when I would call to make appointments. :(

[Laelth]

16. Mrs. Laelth took my last name.

But not because I wanted her to. She hated her maiden name.

-Laelth

[Ariana Celeste]

17. I haven't made up my mind.

Well I'm not legally married yet, and we are still trying to decide if we even want to go with that or not (eventually we probably will). I'm tempted to take his name, but part of me wants to keep mine for the sake of that side of the family. But at the same time, I've always wanted to take my mother's maiden name because she was the one that raised me since my dad died before I was born. Soooooo I need to figure out what kind of hassle that will be, and I may just do that and keep her name while my SO keeps his and if we ever have kids, they can have his name. Or something.

I just don't even know, or really care much at this point, lol. Interesting thread. :hi:

[Longhorn]

18. I took my husband's last name by choice

when we married 30 years ago yesterday. Our four children have the name, too. My name changed when my step-father adopted my siblings and me when I was ten. So I had each of the first two names for ten years. I was proud to become Mrs. Longhorn. :)

[IA_Seth]

124. Longhorn

Hey is that your real last name or were you just sayin "Mrs Longhorn" because of the alias?

The reason I ask is that my great grandmother's last name was Longhorn and she was Cherokee...been trying for YEARS to locate any family tree information, but since her family wasn't listed on the Dawe's rolls and weren't real eager for census counts, it's been tough going.

PM me if you are a Longhorn!!

[Longhorn]

125. I wish I could say I was.

Not a Longhorn by birth but by enrollment at The University of Texas. Though a curious side-effect is having burnt orange blood. ;)

Good luck in your genealogy research! :hi:

[IA_Seth]

128. Doh!

I figured that would be the case after seeing your avatar.

Dang it!

If only my great grand-family weren't such rebels and just signed the rolls..it would be so much easier. But, at the same time, I can respect them for not wanting to sign any governmental list..I sure as hell wouldn't if I had a choice.

Good luck with your studies!

[FooFootheSnoo]

19. I changed mine

My maiden name sounded like part of the female anatomy, so I was eager to get rid of it!!

[grace0418]

71. Mulva?

Gipple?

[imperialismispasse]

99. "Dolores!!"

[LostinVA]

106. giggle

[SiobhanClancy]

20. Changed mine the first time,not the second time...

A good thing,too....that marriage didn't last either. Me=Bad wife:)My daughter says she will never change hers,and tends to think it would be better if MEN changed theirs since women have done it long enough and fair is fair.

[Iniquitous Bunny]

21. I will take my fiance's name.

Because he's the kind of man who wouldn't have any problems whatsoever if I kept my name. My last name is short so I may keep both legally. Not sure yet.

[Solon]

22. I'm thinking of changing my last name...

Mostly to tweak my parents, but also because I'm not pretentious to bother with a hyphenated name, but mostly because I don't care.

[Kerrytravelers]

23. I added Mr. kt's last name, but still have my maiden name.

I was not about to get everything changed over. It is such a pain. When people see my resume and then see my degree/credentials/etc, it's very clear and much easier than getting everything reprinted.

The only thing I still need to do is add his name on my Social Security card.

Now, my fundy fruitcake mother-in-law is offended, so I told her that since I don't conduct any of my employment or financial business with her, she needn't concern herself.

What I hate is getting mail, meant for me, addressed as Mrs. husband's name. I'm not Mrs. his last name, I'm Mrs. my full name. I'm not his property. And mr. kt is offended that people would address me in this way, as if he somehow owns me.

[uppityperson]

24. I kept mine. It is mine.

I know, it is my father's father's name, but I grew up with it and it is part of my name. So I kept it. Yes, it has caused some problems with schools and doctors and border crossings since my child has his father's last name, but otherwise it is part of me and I kept it. We considered combining our names to make a new name for our family, but everything we came up with was too silly.

[tallahasseedem]

25. I changed mine.

My married name is alot better than my maiden name. My Husband sometimes jokes that I married him to get the cooler name.

[spacelady]

26. I kept my maiden name. It has been a pain in the butt regarding insurance

& doctors, social conventions.... Our daughter has my husband's surname. Socially, it does not matter to me either way. It's funny, just today, I deposited a check from my brother, who forgot that I had kept my maiden name & when I asked how I should sign, the teller had me sign it both ways. *sigh*

Edit for spelling.

[Heidi]

27. I am

Heidi MaidenName-MarriedName. :hi:

[dolo amber]

28. I hyphenated the first time, just kept mine the second

This isn't for any big feminist reason, but due to the simple fact I'm too airheaded to remember to not sign my maiden name. :D

[Magrittes Pipe]

149. And because, as your sister implied, you have no faith this one will last.

;)

[auntAgonist]

29. I am

Kesha 1st Married Name-2nd Married Name. Had a child from first marriage and it helped to keep 'identity' with him. Immigration used my first married name on ALL my paperwork so I had to keep it. I guess I could change it if I needed to.

[bumblebee1]

30. I changed my name upon marriage.

I took my husband's name. I also kept my maiden name as my middle name.

[Shine]

31. I changed mine. I have a very unusual first name and I also had a

an unusual last name, as a maiden name. My husband had a very simple, easy to spell last name that I was quite happy to change mine to.

:hi:

[Broken_Hero]

32. My wife changed hers...

I am pretty sure, she wanted to change hers, and had no issues with it, but she may have, and hid it from me...

[Extend a Hand]

33. I didn't officially change it as first

the first time I married. I just used which ever name I felt like using. And sometimes just for giggles I hyphenated. But then when tax time came around, I got w-2's with three different names-- I was in college so I had a whole bunch of different jobs. Then when I signed my tax returns, the IRS kicked it back because my name didn't match my social security number.

I had to wait a long time to get my refund :( -- so I changed it the next year and used just his name to make life easier.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

34. I could NOT wait to get away from my maiden name!

So I changed it to my husband's name....a huge improvement!

Now, as to my daughters: Older daughter had done professional work under her maiden name, so she kept it after she married.

Younger daughter wanted to change it to her husband's and she did....

It is a very personal decision, IMHO.....

:hi:

[NMDemDist2]

35. first two marriages, nope. this one, yup

12 years and going strong on this one too

[ScreamingMeemie]

36. I took my husband's name. I am who I am...the name is just a label.

I like that we all (the family) have the same name, but, again, it's just window dressing. :hi:

[LaurenG]

37. I kept my maiden name

but have added my married name along with it for certain things. Thus I have a very long name at times. I'm an AKA I guess.

[Bassic]

38. Here in Québec, woment don't even have the choice anymore.

They have to keep their maiden name. And I must say I agree with that.

[TallahasseeGrannie]

76. Interesting!

Then are the children's names hyphenated? That's what they do in Spain, isn't it?

[Bassic]

77. They are. We can, however,

just chose one of the names for them. Or, as in our case, use one name for the middle name.

[July]

83. No hyphens in Spain, but Spanish-speaking people here often

hyphenate to avoid confusion (i.e., so people don't think the "first last name" is a middle name). Even in Spain, people don't always use both last names, but every form you might fill out for any official purpose asks for both.

[tjdee]

39. One family, one name! Arrrrggggghhhh!

(Runs screaming from the room, then comes back to say:)

I don't care who changes what, but it is a huge pet peeve for me as a single person, when one person has one name, and the kids have another, and the other spouse has a hyphenated..... good god! Just pick one!

I have never felt last names were that important unless you were a Kennedy or something. I couldn't care less about my last name, it's not something I think about, ever. I'm kind of mystified that so many give it so much thought.

[eyesroll]

41. Why is it such a peeve to you?

Plenty of divorces/remarriages mean there are going to be kids with different last names anyway.

It's a bigger hassle to change a name (I've done it twice) than it is to keep the one you were given when you were born.

[tjdee]

144. That is true.

And you know, how dumb, when I read that I went "oh yeah, that was a pain when my mom did it"--and duh everyone, my mom got remarried and her last name is different than mine now! Didn't think of it till just now.

And while the idea of it causes mild irritation, the actual "it" of it doesn't even make enough of a dent for me to remember it when we're discussing that very thing, LOL. And name changes happen all the time, my sister will be a different last name than me when she gets married, etc.

My thing is, as I was saying below, the sameness of a last name reinforcing the "we're all in this together" feeling of a family.A name doesn't make that happen, of course, but eh, that's my thing. To plan different last names...hmm.

[July]

84. To each his own.

What difference does it make?

If you're at a party and meet five people with different last names, does it bother you? If it doesn't, why would it matter if those five people are related to each other?

[tjdee]

143. I think of it, kind of, as a sort of "we're all in this together" sort of

thing. We're all here, making this thing work, we're all Smiths. Or whatever.

But I mean, as I was saying to Cathy below, I do realize that people do what's best for them. But still--can't everyone just do what I want them to? :silly:

[July]

159. Thanks for the laugh, tjdee!

I know how you feel!

I get what you mean about "we're all in this together," but think about families with divorced and remarried parents (and half-siblings or step-siblings), or even a family whose children marry and change THEIR names. The names don't define the family, even though they're a convenient shorthand. In my own case, where my husband and I have different names and have hyphenated the kids' names, we're good with variations on all the names, because we understand that people don't always know what everyone's name is or what to say when there are multiple names. My husband often is called Mr. Wife after I've made arrangements for some kind of service in my own name, and he doesn't mind that. Some fellow kindergartners in my younger son's class many years ago solved his long, hyphenated last name -- let's say it's Snoopy Abracadabra-Bunny -- to Snoopy A-B. I thought that was pretty clever of 5-year-olds.

I do object, as I mention in another post, to being called Mrs. Hubby by people who KNOW I have kept my birth name. That would be like people who know my name is, let's say "Margaret," and who know that I go by "Maggie," insisting on calling me "Peggy." It's just not my name, and though it's not a huge deal, relatively speaking, it does bother me. I reserve the right to determine what my own name is.

[July]

85. Kept my name, hyphenated the kids.

I can't say I either love or hate my name, it's just always been my name and I'm comfortable with it. I've never really considered changing it. My kids are hyphenated, and they don't seem to mind.

My view is that whatever people want to do is okay with me, but once they make the decision, others should respect it. I have no beef with my friends who changed their names and don't try to call them by their birth names; by the same token, I really don't care for being called by my husband's name when I know the person speaking to me knows what my name is.

[hunter]

97. Well, I suppose they could go by genetics.

Everyone could have a hyphenated last name based upon a genetic analysis of their sex chromosomes.

:eyes:

I call people whatever they ask me to call them, and I don't worry about anything beyond that.

[Left Is Write]

113. I'm not sure why it matters to anyone outside the family...

whether they have more than one name. One of my children has a different last name than mine. I have a sister whose last name is different from her husband and daughter's.

Last names matter to me. I'm not a Kennedy, but I'm certainly very connected to my family, my roots, and the names that come from those roots. I did change my name when I got married, but I will never stop being "Cathy Original Last Name." It's a strong part of who I am.

[tjdee]

142. See, yes, that's what I don't get.

I'm tjdee, whether I'm Tjdee Khan, or Tjdee Brody, you know?

I kind of see what you're saying though. You're right that being outside the family, it doesn't matter much...I can respect that everyone has their own reasons for whatever they're doing that make sense to them. No one has to explain to me what they're doing, LOL. I guess it depends on where you're coming from.

[eyesroll]

40. I changed it the first time, and changed it back

I'm keeping it this way.

Should I marry again, I have no problem with being socially addressed as Mrs. Hislast (lord knows that's already happened and we're not even engaged), but legally, I'm keeping my maiden name.

[Strong Atheist]

42. .

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=4426298

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=105&topic_id=4426298#4426347

[FunkyLeprechaun]

43. I'm trying to decide

I kind of like the sound of our names together.

I admire people like Francis Sheehy-Skeffington, who took his wifes maiden name and hyphenated it. I'm doing work about Hanna Sheehy-Skeffington and other Irish women next month in an essay that's due the end of April.

[no name no slogan]

127. A couple from my college did this

but it's more annoying than practical. It's like talking with a mouth full of marbles.

[kwassa]

44. My wife didn't change her last name, mine was too boring

I have a very common last name, there is a brazillion of us in the world, and hers is relatively unique. She was also well-established professionally under that name

[Deep13]

47. I kept my name and so did my wife.

She was an unusual name and wanted to hang onto it. I didn't care one way or the other.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

48. I told my life I liked her name the way it was. She didn't change. -nt

[Blue-Jay]

138. freudian typo?

hahaha!

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

156. Well, if so, it's a GOOD Freudian typo.

She IS my life. :loveya: </saccharine>

[slide to the left]

49. I always said

that I would keep my maiden name. However, I changed my mind. I was going to take my maiden as my middle, but I love my middle name so I didn't. It was a hard decision, but I did the old fashion thing and took his last name.

Then again, I never though I would get married, but then I ended up doing so right out of college. I have learned, "never say never."

On Edit: Its kinda normal in my area for at least one kid to have the mother's maiden name as their first or middle name. My cousin has his mom's maiden name as his first name. My maiden name doesn't work as a first or middle, so one of my children will prob. have my father's first name. I guess we like to keep the names around even if we take our husband's.

[progmom]

50. changed mine

...except for on the radio (I do a weekly jazz show).

Now that I'm getting divorced, I am trying to figure out whether to keep my current last name so it matches my son's, or go back to my "maiden" name. :shrug:

[MountainLaurel]

51. I didn't change mine

I wasn't comfortable with the idea of losing my name altogether, but hyphenating his onto mine just made it too long and unwieldy. So, no changes.

[Sabriel]

52. I didn't change my name, and the two kids each have different names

Our daughter took my last name, our son took my partner's last name. It's not a problem for us or them, but it does cause some confusion for others.

[Skittles]

53. I can't believe gals who call themselves feminists still do this

it soooooooooooooo sexist

[gollygee]

65. So I have to keep "my" name if I want to be a feminist?

huh?

Either way it's a paternal name - it's from your father or your husband. The maternal name - the name that could have been passed down from mother to daughter and so on - has been lost in every case in our society.

[Gormy Cuss]

80. This is the same argument that I heard in the the 1970s

In our culture children have surnames defined by their father's. That is a separate custom involving definition of naming practices at birth. These are generally ways to define clan. Historically the practice of women abandoning their surnames for their spouses' was tied to symbolic and legal changes in her status, passing her and her property over to her husband or his clan. One can argue that since women have more balanced legal rights after marriage that it's now largely symbolic.

The modern argument is that it defines the family to have everyone use the same surname. Sure, except there are many families where that isn't the case. It's no longer that unusual for children to have different surnames from one of their parents, so families are defined in our culture without everyone having the last name.

Here's the thing about 'maiden' names. Boys grow up with the expectation that this will always be their surname, their identity. Girls get the message from a very early age that it's a placeholder and at some point they will be trading it in for another name, their adult name and identity, or at least their identity as long as they are aligned with the same male. The more I thought about the implications of that, the more I understood that it is a feminist position for women to claim their names as a permanent identity. IMHO it's just an issue where you define the feminist response differently.

[ProfessorGAC]

66. Really?

I would think it feminist to have the choice to do what one pleases. My wife never liked her last name. She couldn't wait to change it to mine.
The Professor

[La Lioness Priyanka]

95. ar argument can be made that one way or the other last names are sexist

one is generally stuck with either ones father or husband last name

[Misunderestimator]

118. Very good point. I changed mine... not through marriage...

and made it the last name of my great-great-great grandmother which was already my middle name. STILL... it was her married name, but it was the name under which she made a "name" for herself. Can't win for losing eh? :) :hi:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

119. yup. i like my last name but have contemplated changing it just too

break paternal lines.

[hyphenate]

121. This was one of the reasons I got so annoyed

I really don't care what way someone wants to go, change it or not, but when they vehemently announce (more than once, mind you!) that they will always keep their name, and then go and change it after getting married, it's like, "make up your mind, already!"

What I find reassuring is that we HAVE this choice. It sort of reminds me of being pro-choice or about women in business--today's young women have choices that many of us, or our parents, never had. They take some of these choices for granted, instead of realizing all the pain and bitterness we went through to make them available. I think it's sad, though, that some are foregoing some of these privileges without any thought about the history behind it. Not so much in making their choices, but in trying to suppress those rights for others.

[radwriter0555]

54. I changed mine because my 'maiden' name was short, and ugly. I was

always called "bowzer" by the mean kids... and I disassociated from my family when I was in my 20's. AND when I got married, I got a title as my husband is a descendant of french aristocracy.

So now I have this fancy french last name with Madame la Comtesse in front of it.

And I use it on my calling cards.

[IA_Seth]

126. I'm Jealous!

Please bestow some of your priviledge on a lowly peasant!

Seriously...I would love to be Baron de Comtesse...please?

[LaraMN]

55. I changed it because I wasn't fond of my maiden name, but now I rather

regret it. It would sound unpleasant hyphenated, though, and I don't want a different last name than my kids, so :shrug:

[gollygee]

56. It's a paternal name either way

Sadly, in our society the maternal name has been lost in all cases. It's either your husband's name, or your father's name, or your grandfather's name . . .

I took my husband's name because I was not that inclined to keep my father's name.

[mzteris]

57. totally archaic form of OWNERSHIP

Why the HELL would you change your name???????????

Why doesn't the man change HIS?

[Babette]

79. My thinking as well!

I tried talking my husband about taking my name, but he wouldn't.

I still have my name. I feel more of an equal and less of a possession. My hubby had a bit of trouble with it at first, but now I think he's glad that I am me. Oddly, he didn't know of anyone who had kept their maiden name when married. My mother did, so I did too.

I was sad as a kid when I heard my grandmother introduce herself as Mrs. grandfather's first name-grandfather's last name, as if she had no independent being from him.

[Katherine Brengle]

92. You change it for the same reason you become "Mrs." instead of "Ms."

Because you belong to your husband now.

What absolute bs. It makes me want to puke.

[Left Is Write]

114. I am Mrs. Husband's Last Name.

And I don't feel like a possession at all. My husband does not consider me a possession. I do think it is possible to take on those titles without becoming the invisible submissive wife.

(Of course, I'd like to make it very clear that I completely understand keeping one's own name and the identity inherent with it.)

[lukasahero]

148. "the invisible submissive wife."

FTR, I am in no way dismissing or criticizing your choice. I just thought this comment was interesting and had an anecdote to share. I didn't change my name but I get birthday cards addressed to Mrs. His-first-name His-last-name. All I can think is it's MY birthday but I'm not on the damn envelope anywhere! Talk about being invisible.

(Interesting to note that this is done by a) an older aunt who just doesn't know any better and b) by a sister-in-law who is pissed at me for keeping my maiden name. :mad: )

[miss_american_pie]

150. Technically, that's the correct way

Sorry to get all Emily Post here, but "Mrs." sort of stands in for "wife of" so technically Mrs. Husband's Firstname Husband's Lastname is proper. But nobody does it that way anymore, and if I can say so, your SIL sounds like a passive-aggressive witch.

[lukasahero]

152. LOL!!

:rofl: Your last comment cracked me up. (And is spot freakin' on, btw!)

But yeah, I know that's "technically" correct which is why I don't gripe about it with my elderly aunt. However, it really struck me how I absolutely disappeared in being addressed that way - it was just kind of shocking to me - maybe it was just that it was the first time I really noticed it.

[Left Is Write]

157. I have an original first printing copy of the 1950 Betty Crocker cookbook.

Many of the recipes are attributed to those who created or submitted them. All of the married women are referred to as Mrs. Husband, and those who were single when they worked in the Betty Crocker kitchens but were later married are referred to as "Miss Jane Doe (now Mrs. John Smith of Cleveland)..."

[gollygee]

129. And you have your "maiden" name

because you belong to your father.

It's ownership either way.

Maybe we should each make up our own last names. And make them really feminine. No "Johnson" or "Whiteman" names.

[Left Is Write]

158. I have Norwegian ancestors named Ericdottir.

The sons of Eric would be named Ericsson or Ericson, and the daughters were named Ericsdottir or Ericdottir.

[miss_american_pie]

58. I changed mine

Because we planned on having kids and I figured it would just be easier on them.

At work, I used Firstname Maidenname Marriedname for a long time after the wedding, though.

[Midlodemocrat]

59. I changed mine

Out of tradition mostly...and because I had a really odd maiden name and was going to a pretty normal married one.

[RedSpartan]

60. My wife changed hers.

I told her I didn't care if she did or not, but she said she wanted to.

[dr.strangelove]

61. You would be piqued at my wife

During the six years we dated prior to marriage, and the four years of friendship before that, she maintained that she would never change her name. It really did not make a difference to me, so I expected her to keep her surname. About three months before the wedding she let me know that she was having second thoughts about the name thing and wanted to know what I felt. I told her I would never change my name, so why would I expect her to do so. I also told her that I really did not care what she called herself. I never really loved her for her name, so keeping it or changing it really made no difference to me. Finally three days before the wedding she let me know she was changing her name. We told the friend doing the ceremony what we wanted to be announced as and that was it. I asked her about it when we watched our weddign video for the first time on our fifth anniversary and she said she was happy with her decision. Our children use our last name (meaning my original surname and her "new" surname).

[azmouse]

64. I changed my name.

I always knew I would. My husband and I are a team and I was proud to take his last name. But I didn't take his first name so don't call me "Mrs. JOHN Doe"... I prefer "Mrs. JANE Doe". And besides, it pisses my mother-in-law off when I do that.

[hippywife]

68. I changed mine.

I didn't marry until 38 so it was difficult to get used and did sort of feel like I was giving up a piece of who I was. I made my decision based on the fact that I was so happy to find such a wonderful man to share my life with and he is so giving of himself to my needs that it was a statement that I would also give of my life to him.

In the end, it's a very personal decision based on one's own personal factors.

[malta blue]

69. Two different outcomes...

When I got married the first time, I added his last name to mine, the spanish way. No hyphen. The second time I married I changed my name. I have heard said that if the woman does not change her name, it is because she is uncertain (old tales in the latino nation I come from). Maybe they were right...

[Bridget Burke]

73. Which latino nation do you come from?

The Spanish-language tradition is for the mother NOT to change her name. Each parent passes on a name to their children.

If Jose Gutierrez Gomez marries Ana Hernandez Lynch (not all names in Latin America are Spanish), their son will be Sergio Gutierrez Hernandez.

Many people who have been in the USA for a while use the "English" system--but not all do.

[malta blue]

132. I come from the Dominican Republic

Traditionally, we add the husband's name after the maiden name, and the children are like you said. We have been in the US for quite some time now, but I liked doing it that way.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

93. or maybe they were just enforcing a sexist tradition

what does changing my last name have to do with the amount i invest in my marriage?

[malta blue]

133. You probably have a point there.

The sexist traditions are quite prevalent.

[Left Is Write]

137. My sister has been married for almost sixteen years.

She and her husband are as committed and happy a couple as I have ever known, and they have a beautiful daughter together. My sister kept her own name. It had nothing to do with uncertainty in her relationship; it had everything to do with how she views her own identity. She didn't have to take her husband's name to prove she loves him.

[malta blue]

145. I agree with you completely, I was just voicing the

customs of another country.

[grace0418]

70. I did not change my name. I like my name.

That said, if someone calls me "Mrs. (my husband's name)" or "Grace (my husband's name)" I'm not offended or anything. Of course, everyone on my husband's side assumes I took his name.

The only thing I really can't stand is when people use that old "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe" thing. Taking my husband's last name is one thing, but I'm NOT taking his first name, too. That really pisses me off! If it's too long to write "Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Doe" then just write "Mr. and Mrs. Doe" or "John and Jane Doe." Don't erase the wife altogether. grrrrrrr!

If we have kids, I'll probably have them take my husband's name to make things easier. Both of our names are too unusual and long to bother with hyphenating. If I ever decide to take my husband's name for some reason, I'll drop my middle name and use both last names with no hyphen. But I see no need for that.

[TallahasseeGrannie]

78. I was married in '72 and an ardent feminist at the time

but I could wait to take my husband's name because it was a symbol that we were a family. I sign my name with my first, maiden and married name. I write under my first and middle name. (which sounds like a last name)

My daughter also took her husband's name, mostly because it is Irish and easier to spell than our German surname.

My only problem with hyphenated names for students is they throw my Excel spreadsheets out of whack!

[Patiod]

81. I'll be keeping mine. Plus SO's dad made the family name up.

My SO comes from breath-takingly dysfunctional stock.

His dad was an "illegimate" child whose mother died of pneumonia shortly after his birth and whose father (they married by that point) went crazy with grief after the death and ran off. He was shunted around from one family member to another, treated like a bastard child, and finally ended up with a family that beat him.

So when he left and joined the military, he changed his name to his middle name because he didn't want to go through life with the name of the family that beat him. People ask me "did SO make up that name as a stage name?" (he's an actor) and I'll say "no, his dad did".

So not taking SO's name isn't exactly breaking centuries of geneology.

[RubyDuby in GA]

82. I changed mine

I'm very much my own woman, but I am also very proud to be my husband's wife. We are having children and we'll all have the same name. It's a hassle to get everything changed over, but other than that it's no big deal.

[NewJeffCT]

86. My wife has not changed yet, my ex did the hyphen thing

Of course, my wife is from China where women traditionally do not change their last names. But, she does have a few Chinese friends with non-Chinese husbands that did change their last names because they thought having an "American" last name would help them in job searches, as opposed to having a Chinese name. (I guess people looking at one friend's resume would just assume they did 4 years at Beijing University and then 4 years in med school there as Americans?)

My ex-wife initially wanted to change her name to mine, but then decided to hyphenate. It didn't matter to me, though I'm sure some of my Catholic relatives weren't happy about the hyphenating thing.

[Beausoir]

88. I kept my name/identity when I married. My father and husband

were both pleased and supportive. My mother, being from an era where women had to give up their identity when they married, was pretty ok with it as well.

My in-laws were pissed. (Fundies)

My children have the last name of my husband. Sometimes it causes a little extra paperwork like at the pharmacy,etc., but I wouldn't lose my identity for anything in the world.

[Katherine Brengle]

94. I am caught up on just one thing...

My daughter has my husband's last name, and I still have my name... I think I want to change hers, hyphenate it, but is that weird, to change it after two years? I guess better now than in 5 years...

[TallahasseeGrannie]

101. I think that my only difference of opinion with you

(I do agree that women should do whatever the heck they want name-wise) is that my name is my identity.

I don't look at it like that. My identity is many other things, in my mind and not my name at all.

But I can see how others could differ.

[hunter]

90. I didn't change my name. My wife didn't change her name.

It didn't make any sense.

Both our families practice the tradition of piling on a bunch of names and keeping the ones that stick. If you don't have four names on your driver's license, and a couple more names on the side, then you or your parents are not properly playing the name game.

"Hunter" is one of my names, in case you didn't know.

I always thought it would be a great tradition if people could adopt new names or simply keep their old names when they decide to become adults.

[flamingyouth]

91. Didn't change mine the first time

Contemplating changing it the second time, or at least legally adding his to the end of mine (sans hyphen), though I'm not sure.

[Fenris]

103. It's up to you.

:)

[LiberalEsto]

96. Changed the first time, regretted it; didn't this time

I have an odd last name, so I always hoped to marry someone with an ordinary like Smith or Brown. As I got older, I became a feminist and decided this was nonsense.

Husband #1 whined and begged me to change my name when we married, against my better judgement. (I wish my better judgement had told me not to marry him). It was a pain in the neck, and it just didn't feel like "my" name. I kept my maiden name at work, however.
When we divorced, I could hardly wait to shake off his name permanently.

Husband #2 was enlightened enough to be supportive of whatever I wanted to do as far as my name was concerned. I kept my name and have been Ms. Liberal Esto ever since.

[lukasahero]

120. Sounds like there's a lot of this going around :)

I did the same thing - right down to wishing my better judgement had told me not to marry the first mr. lukasahero in the first place. LOL.

Pain in the neck to get my maiden name back but I couldn't do it fast enough.

Married now to a man who never considered I would change my name to his. (His question: why would you do that?) :)

Additionally, if/when my dad dies, I will be the last person in America with my last name. Seriously. There are some of us in Australia, South Africa and England but not another bloody soul with my last name in America. It's in honor of my dad that I'm proud to keep it.

[fight4my3sons]

102. I changed mine,

and took my husband's last name, but my husband begged to take my last name. He has issues with his family.

[northzax]

107. i plan to make one up

completely. we'll be Mr. and Ms. Gesundheit. or something like that. names don't make the person, the person makes the name.

[scarlet_owl]

108. I changed mine because I already had a hyphenated name.

I hated having two names that nobody could pronounce. Having one that is easy is nice.

[Withywindle]

109. I'll be keeping mine...

...it's a professional byline as well as a personal name now.

I wouldn't mind hyphenating, except that I already have two middle names (one a saint name, plus my mother's maiden name) and my full name already doesn't fit on most forms. :P

[NewWaveChick1981]

110. I changed mine, BUT...

...before I got married, future husband and I had a long talk about name changing. I had always been of the mind that I would keep my name whenever I got married, simply because THAT is my identity. He was totally and completely in agreement with me and was OK with whatever I decided. However, both his mother and my mother were utterly appalled that I would want to do that, and after a huge family row two weeks before the wedding, I gave in. Why? To keep the family peace. Would I do it all over again? HELL NO. Changing your name is an old holdover from when women were viewed as property and is an outdated tradition. I was so stressed out before the wedding and tired of getting attacked by my future mother-in-law at every opportunity to tell me how awful it was that I would not take her son's last name that I screamed, "OK! YOU BROKE ME DOWN! I GIVE!!! UNCLE!!!" (You have to know his mom---she's an intense piece of work and terrible to deal with.) Because I gave in, I always have to spell my current last name for whoever it is that's writing it down. My original name was super-easy to spell.

So, if my marriage ever dissolves, I will go back to my original name and NEVER change it again! :)

[twenty2strings]

115. I changed mine... to my wife's...

Since I had no particular connection to my biological father (he was an abusive jackass), and my last name was boring (Brown), when I married my first wife, I took her last name. The lady at the courthouse in backwoods Arkansas tried to tell me I "couldn't do that" but I did.

When we divorced, I kept her name because I had been using it on stage for so long, no one would recognize me if I changed my name. My second (and current wife) saw no need to take my last name when we married, since it was my ex-wife's maiden name. Plus, she said, it would ruin her tattoo (her OWN initials - she got it and a divorce for Christmas one year). So she kept her maiden name, and I kept my ex-wife's maiden name.

Our son took my wife's last name. We had a hard time explaining to the lady at the hospital that, yes, we were married, and yes, the boy was mine, but no, he wasn't going to have my last name.

I thought about going ahead and changing my last name to hers, but after 12 years of marriage and different last names, I think it would be more of a hassle than a benefit.

[TallahasseeGrannie]

117. This just occurred to me...duh

how are gay couples handling this with marriage? I'm sure there's a variety of ways, but if I were in the situation I think I'd opt for having the same last name. It kind of helps demand that you are thought of as a family.

[Ramsey]

122. Kept my name

I got married at 35, I'm an academic with a bunch of publications under my own name. Plus I already have 4 names, I don't need a 5th. Plus, my husband didn't care. But I wouldn't have changed my name even if he did care.

[Book Lover]

123. Didn't change, would never change

I have too much respect for the man my father is to discard his surname. Also, it is the name of a nationality, and so is always an icebreaker: "Hi, I'm BookLover Nationality." "Oh, are you really Nationality?" "Well, (since this is actually a complicated answer, the conversation can go from here...)"

[Alleycat]

131. I changed mine

My maiden name always got laughed at and mis-pronounced etc. etc. (Sorry Dad) So yes it took my husbands name which was short and sweet and to the point. It is one of those names that we get called back on when we order pizza. I kept it after the divorce for most of the same reasons and also it is just easier for both me and my daughter having the same name.

I feel it is a choice. And a big deal should not be made out of it. So I guess I am Pro-Choice on this issue. :silly:

[YellowRubberDuckie]

134. I changed my name.

Of course if your last name were Bussard, and your nickname growing up was Buzzard, causing you years of torture, you'd be in a hurry to change it too. :evilgrin: And my last name now is interesting, German, and not common. I like it.
Duckie

[fleabert]

135. I didn't think I would change mine, but then it hit me, due to our

patriarchal system, I'd only be keeping another man's name anyway- my father's. No point really. I like my husband's name. My feminist statements come from elsewhere. (that was the only reason I thought to keep my name, don't know your reason)

[electron_blue]

154. I disagree - why is your last name anymore your father's than yours?

[fleabert]

155. Because we live in a patriarchal society in which surnames are passed

from male to male. My old surname did not come from my mother- ours was different my entire life as they divorced when I was 2. And the one I had was even different from my paternal grandmothers- as her husband left her when my dad was 5.

I felt no ties to it. Glad to see it go.

[countingbluecars]

136. I kept my name.

My husband has gotten used to my fourth grade students calling him by my last name when he attends my school events.

[LibertyLover]

139. Didn't change mine

I was in my mid-40s when I married 7 years ago. Everyone at the office knew me by my maiden name and I decided that it was going to be too complicated to change. My husband was cool and told me that it was my decision. I am glad that I didn't change - I didn't have to get a new license or credit cards or Social Security card or change the details on my bank accounts. And, when my mom died a year and half after my marriage, it made dealing with the legalities easier because everything was in both our names and I didn't have to prove that I had married, etc.

We did decide that any children would take their father's last name and so our daughter has her dad's last name. We get some funny looks at her pre-school or when we travel, so I make sure to carry a copy of my marriage license and her birth certificate - just in case.

[Generator]

140. Well I kept my name

because it was my name. Yeah I've always been one of those. Even though my last name is okay-I like my husband's name better-and the father I have is not worthy of any tribute. But it seemed inauthentic to be changing your name-as if your self has magically changed (especially getting married over the age of 35 as I.)

Funny, all our relatives just ASSUME I changed my name. No big deal. And I think it's funny that others may assume that we AREN'T married-or something. It's like we are two separate people or something. HA! The husband's good about it since I do all the stuff-like at the hotel they are always calling him Mr.So and So and it makes me laugh because it is his working hard and his credit. (yeah I know I raise the spawn and decorate) And he laughs too. I have a friend whose husband just was IRATE at him being called Mr. her maiden name. (testicle shrinkage) I'm just the wife. The stay at home mother and feminist who kept her own name. (I did the work thing and all that- I just prefer this snacking on bons bons and ranting on DU all day lifestyle instead)

[graywarrior]

146. Kept mine.

[distantearlywarning]

147. Neither my husband or I liked our "maiden names"

So we spent a few months before the wedding deciding on a new last name we could both live with. Getting it changed on everything was a big hassle, but I would definitely do it again if I had the choice. I LOVE my new last name, even to the point of being sort of absurdely proud of it. And I love my husband for being cool enough to see the fairness in both of us changing to a new "family" name. (If I were ever single again, I think a refusal to consider anything but me changing my name to his would be a red flag in a potential husband.)

I almost feel like picking out a new name was a symbolic action representing our new lives as autonomous adults together. It makes me feel good that we did that. And in a way, I wish that I had done it by myself when I became a legal adult - like choosing who you want to be outside of your parents. It would have been a good rite of passage then too.

My parents thought it was a kick that we did that and seem to take pleasure in addressing letters to us with the new name highlighted or in larger text than the rest of the address. His mom wasn't so sure and there was one rather long, tearful conversation about it, but she eventually got past it. What does really irritate me, though, is that my fundie grandmother insists on sending me mail addressed to "Mrs. HisFirst OurNew Last". I am not "HISFIRST"!!!! That's his name, and he needs to keep it. There are not two "HISFIRST"'S in this household, there is one "HISFIRST" and one "DistantEarlyWarning". I have my own first name, dammit, and it's an unusual name I happen to be very partial to and like a lot and which represents me as an independent person. I did not become him when I married him, I am still myself, even though we happen to share a marriage license, household, and new last name. It really pisses me off when people do that. I even cringe about that when it's other people on the TV: "Introducing, for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Larry Jones!". What, they're both named Larry?! What are the odds!? :eyes:

[liontamer]

151. I think last names are stupid in general

We only have them because 1) people move around a lot and it's hard for governments to track people without detailed records 2) A lot of people have the same first name.

If everybody names their kids jennifer and michael we're going to have trouble telling people apart (and imagine what that would do to credit history). The last names we have are all pretty arbitrary because they reflect the last name someone in our family used when they had to switch to a british/american naming system past the 18th century or so.

We (for the most part) no longer have names that really reflect where we're from, something about occupation, or who our parents are (holding on the last name taylor seems kind of pointless if you're not a tailor, don't identify as being of english dissent, and are not related to everybody else with the last name of taylor)

So I won't change my name officially ever, but largely because there's a lot of paperwork. If people call me by my spouse's last name to identify us as a social unit so be it. If people call my spouse by my last name that's fine too.

I think with the modern emphasis on nuclear families, it might be easier for a couple with children in school to pick one last name, but if they don't want to, I'm cool with that too

[electron_blue]

153. Never did change my name after I got married, never wanted to.

I do wish my last name were in my child's name somehow, though. If I had to do anything differently, that's what I would change - either give the child a hyphenated name or use mine as a middle name.

[izzybeans]

160. I wanted to take my wife's name. It's way cooler than my own, which

resembles very closely an unfortunate mark left by the "carnal scourge" ;)

seriously I tried. she thought it was weird so she took my name, and now laughs every so often when she thinks about her new last name. Hate to say I told her so, but...well it was her choice I suppose.

Maybe I'll change my name to ziggy stardust, wear glitter all the time and be done with it.