Grassy Knollington, conspiracy theorist

[Taxloss]

This cartoon strip appears in the current issue of Viz magazine*. It made me laugh a lot, and I hope it becomes a regular feature. I'll reproduce the text only here to provide a scanty figleaf of copyright protection, and I've added a scattering of footnotes for the non-British. If you're offended or think this has no place in the Lounge, address complaints to M. Volestrangler.

Grassy Knollington: Conspiracy Theorist

Grassy's friend: Hey, look Grassy! An Ice-cream van's just pulled up. Do you fancy a Ninety-nine?**

Grassy: Eh?! A Ninety-nine? Nine times eleven is Ninety-nine! Don't you see?! Nine-eleven!! The attack cooked up by George Bush and his pal Bin Laden to spark revolution in the Middle East ... Hmm ... Nine ...? Revolution? Sounds familiar?

Grassy's friend: Not really, no.

Grassy: You bet! Try this for size - "Revolution Number Nine" on the Beatles' White Album lasts 8 minutes 15 seconds exactly ... that's 495 seconds ... or 99 times 5! Ninety-nine - like the ice cream ... and five - the number of victims of the so-called Whitechapel Killer...

Grassy's friend: Who?

Grassy: Jack the Ripper! Nickname of the Royal murdered and arch Freemason Albert Victor, Duke of Clarence, whose first victim was discovered in 1888 ... on August 31st! Fast forward to August 31st 1997 ... Lady Diana is killed when her Mercedes - driven by double agent Henri Paul - hits Pillar Thirteen in the Pont d'Alma Tunnel in Paris. Henri Paul? Sounds familiar? Get this! Actor Paul Henry plays an actor called Benny in the 70s soap Crossroads***!

Grassy's friend: Benny ...?

Grassy: Benny looks after Miss Diane - Lady Diana! Geddit? Not only that - but surprise surprise! Paul McCartney records the theme tune to Crossroads on his 1975 album Venus and Mars ...

Grassy's friend: Paul McCartney?

Grassy: Yes! The self-same McCartney who sang "Revolution Number Nine" on the White Album! White!! Like ice-cream, George Bush's White House, the Whitechapel Murders and the Fiat Uno that forced Henri Paul's Mercedes off the road! Track nine on the White Album is "Martha My Dear"! ... Hello?! Cut to Martha's Vineyard, USA ... Ted Kennedy crashes his car into the water at Chappaquiddick on July 18th 1969 ... the exact same day that Paul McCartney - Yes! Him again! produces the Mary Hopkins single "Pebble and the Man", catalogue number Apple CT1!

Grassy's friend: You've lost me there, Grassy ...

Grassy: Apple CT1 was released as a promotion for Wall's Ice Cream! The same ice-cream that's in a Ninety-nine!

Grassy's friend: So ...?

Grassy: Exactly! "Ice cream" is an anagram of "ace crime", like 911, th Whitechapel murders and the assassination of Lady Di in her Mercedes. Mercedes have hosted business seminars at the NEC International Conference Centre**** in Birmingham (where Crossroads was made) ... as have ... get ready for this ... Cadbury's!! Cadbury's who make the chocolate flakes for 99s!!! Coincidence!? I don't think so! Let's look at the evidence ... The Queen (who later knighted Paul McCartney for so-called services to music) opened the NEC Conference Centre on June 12th 1991! That date ring any bells? It should do - because George Bush Sr (former US president and long-time business associate of the Bin Laden family) had a birthday on June 12th 1991!

Grassy's friend: Grassy ...

Grassy: 1991! It's an anagram of 99 and 11, don't you see? 99 divided by 11 is Nine! Nine-Eleven!!/ And what's more, 1991 was George Bush's 67th birthday!

Grassy's friend: ... Erm ...

Grassy: That's what they what you to think, but just look at the figures! 67! 6 and 7! Six plus seven is 13 ... Thirteen!!! The number of letters in "Osama Bin Laden", "Paul McCartney", "The White Album" and "Wall's Ice Cream"!!! 13 is also the number of the pillar in the Pont d'Alma tunnel that Lady Di's car crashed into!!!

Grassy's friend: So do you fancy a Ninety-Nine or not, then?

Grassy: No thanks! That cone is merely the tip of a huge sinister global conspiracy that goes all the way to the top! {To ice cream vendor} Have you got any lollies left Mister?

Ice Cream vendor: Let me see now ... Well, we've got plenty of orange Zapruders, a few Mint Choc Chip Jack Rubys, and I think there's one or two Bohemian Grove Black Helicopters in the Freezer ... or what about a shape-shifting Illuminati Lizard with hundreds and thousands?

------

* A high-brow British literary magazine founded by John Betjeman and Kingsley Amis in 1953.*****

** Vanilla ice-cream in a cone with a chocolate flake sticking out of it. Hugely popular in the UK.

*** Famously awful soap opera.

**** Vast, dismal shed. The only shed in Britain with its own railway station.

***** This is a lie. Viz is a puerile, rude and intensely funny comic for adults.

[DS1]

1. I god I miss ice-cream and flakes

:cry:

[asthmaticeog]

2. My god, that's funny stuff! nt

[patcox2]

3. Pure genius and nobody better lock it.

Make fun of the conspiracy theorists at your risk, they are tetchy and will tattle to the authorities.

[Taxloss]

4. Locking is the least of my worries.

I just hope this doesn't get sent to the 9/11 forum ...

[patcox2]

6. I am going to have to donate now.

I did not know about the sceptics forum. I read your fantastic post on **hopelessness, I need to be able to hang there.

Cell phones on airplanes raised its ugly head today, next you know we'll be debating the melting point of steel again.

[WoodrowFan]

7. tempting

so very, very tempting...

[salvorhardin]

5. But that's what we want them to do

Why waste all that time and money data mining google's search statistics when we can get them to out themselves to the proper authorities? Suppresing the truth has never been easier! :evilgrin:

[T_i_B]

9. "they are tetchy and will tattle to the authorities"

Hang on a minute, aren't the authorities supposed to be conspiring against THEM? :eyes:

[mr blur]

8. Well,

I'm sure that Grassy Knollington posts here on GD.
:tinfoilhat:

[Nye Bevan]

10. I love Grassy

Also see http://tinyurl.com/kokf9

[beam me up scottie]

11. K&R