A St. Patrick's Day challenge: the NON-ALCOHOLIC Irish Joke thread!

[Richard Steele]

It's a bit harder to find TRULY funny jokes that
involve Irish folks but don't base the humor on drinking.

Since a few others already have "Irish Joke" threads underway,
I thought I would try something a little harder.

So this thread will be strictly NON-ALCOHOLIC Irish Jokes.

Here's the first I found that GENUINELY made me laugh out loud:

An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl
are riding together in a train,
with the beautiful girl in the middle.
The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel.
The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed.
The Englishman is bent over holding his face,
which is red from an apparent slap.

The Englishman is thinking,
"Damn it, that Mick must have tried to kiss the girl,
but she thought it was me and slapped me!"

The girl is thinking,
"That Englishman must have moved to kiss me,
but kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped."

The Irishman is thinking,
"If this train goes through another tunnel,
I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again!!!"



Ok, Loungers, who else has one?

[tyedyeto]

1. Had to take the challenge:

An Irishman was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe
when an English tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Irishman politely ignored the Englishman, who, nevertheless, started up a
conversation.

The Englishman snapped his gum and asked, "Do you Irish people
eat the whole bread?" The Irishman frowned, annoyed with being bothered
during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The Englishman blew a huge
bubble. "We don't. In England, we only eat what's inside. We collect the
crusts in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell
them to Ireland." The Englishman had a smirk on his face. The Irishman
listened in silence.

The Englishman persisted. "Do you eat jam with the
bread?" Sighing, the Irishman replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between
his teeth, the Englishman said, "We don't. In England, we eat fresh fruit
for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in
containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Ireland."

The Irishman then asked, "Do you have sex in England?"
The Englishman smiled and said, "Why of course we do."
The Irishman leaned closer to him and asked,
"And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course," replied the Englishman.

Now it was the Irishman's turn to smile.
"We don't. In Ireland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them
down into chewing gum and sell them to England.
Why do you think it's called 'Wrigley's'?"

[havocmom]

2. Somebody posted on in GD about a minister, rabbi, priest and bordello

no booze in that one

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=364x684887

[Richard Steele]

3. EUPHEMISMS...

The old priest was becomin' faint of heart and overly upset
at the mention of "adultery" in the confession.
He gently suggested to the flock that they say
that they had "fallen" instead.
He'd know what they meant and it wouldn't be so distressing.

The priest lived a good number of years and finally passed on,
and a new priest was appointed.

After a few weeks, the new priest paid a visit to the mayor.
"Y've got to do something about the sidewalks and curbs, Mr. Mayor.
I'm alarmed at how many parishoners report to me that they've fallen of late."

The mayor figures out what is happening and howls with laughter.

Says the priest indignantly,
"You wouldna think the problem was so funny when I tell you
your own wife has fallen twice this past week!"

[Richard Steele]

4. Optimism under fire.

Two young Irishmen in a Canadian regiment
were going into the trenches for the first time,
and their captain promised them fifty pence for every German they killed.

Pat lay down to rest, and Mick performed the duty of watching.
Pat had not lain long when he was awakened by Mick shouting,

"They're comin'". "Who's comin'?" shouts Pat.
"The Germans," replies Mick.
"How many are there?"
"About fifty thousand."
"Begorrah," shouts Pat, jumping up & grabbing his rifle, "our fortune's made."

[Richard Steele]

5. Denomination

Four little Irish boys were concerned because they couldn't
get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been baptized,
and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest church.
Only the custodian was there.
One said, "We need to be baptized because no one
will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

So he took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads
in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, the oldest one asked,
"What religion do you think we are now?
We're not Katlick, because they pour the water."
" We're not Babdist because they dunk all of you."
"We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Can't you tell by the smell
of that baptismal water what we are?.......We're Pisscopalians!"

[ElsewheresDaughter]

6. not an irish one but still good....

BE WARNED!

I don't know how many of you shop at Costco, but this may be useful to know.

I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me, as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

This happened to me at the Costco in Langley and it could happen to you.


Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windex, wearing only hot pants and really skimpy t-shirts.

It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Costco.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start making out with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and gives you head, while the other one steals your wallet


I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday.

Be careful out there.

[Richard Steele]

7. Conversations with the English

An English MP was addressing a crowd in Belfast.
He stated to the masses,
"I was born an Englishman, I've lived an Englishman,
and by God I shall die an Englishman!"

From the back of the crowd, a voice yelled,
"Shite, man, have ye no ambition at all then?"

.................................................

An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night
when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down,
and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman.

The first man gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says,
"Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot."
The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?"

The second goes over to the Irishman and says,
"Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a TRANSVESTITE faggot!"
The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?"

Finally, the 3rd Englishman walks over to the Irishman and says,
"Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"
And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin."

[stopbush]

8. Who's green and sits in your backyard?

Paddy O'Furniture.

[northzax]

11. hear about the gay irish twins?

patrick fitzgerald and gerald fitzpatrick?

[Patiod]

13. That was my nickname in college - for real

Either that, or Pattie O'Dore. And everyone who came up with it thought they were so original
:D

[no name no slogan]

9. No alcoholics are harmed in this joke (but three pints got ruined)

(although this is more of a Scottish joke than Irish, I suppose)

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub in London. All three order a pint. When the barman brings the pints, and each one has a fly floating in it.

The Englishman shouts to the barman, "pardon me, I believe there's a fly in this pint. Would you please get me a new one?"

The Irishman looks at the fly, picks it out, and grudgingly drinks his pint, knowing that it's London and not worth the argument.

The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, grabs it by its tiny wings and starts shaking it, while yelling "SPIT IT OOUT, YA WEE BASSTARD!!! SPIT!!! IT!!! OOUT!!!"

[Richard Steele]

10. Agriculture

Two farmers were driving their tractor
down the middle of a country road.

A car comes around the corner,
swerves to avoid them , skids,
and flips end over end into the field,
where it bursts into flame.

One farmer says to the other,
"It's just as well we got out of that field!"

.............................................

A Texan rancher comes to Ireland and meets a Kerry farmer.
The Texan says, "Takes me a whole goddam day
to drive from one side of my ranch to the other."

The Kerry farmer says,
"Ah sure, I know, sir. I had a tractor like that once"
......................................................

[Richard Steele]

12. All in a days work

An oil field accident starts a fire, and soon
the entire field is ablaze.
Desperate, the owners call Red Adair,
the world-famous oil field firefighter.

"Sorry", says Red, "but I'm booked solid for the month.
I could give you the number for my cousin Paddy O'Dare, though".

They phone Paddy, who tells them,
"Sure, me and the lads will be right over.
It'll cost you ten thousand."

In no time, the oilmen see a cloud of dust
approaching across the desert.
As it grows nearer, they see it's an open-top truck
with four redheaded men in it, travelling at top speed.

The truck heads toward them in breakneck fashion,
plowing over ditches and sand dunes alike.
They wave at it to stop, but are amazed when it
races past without slowing, directly into the flames,
and comes to rest against a drilling rig.

They watch, astounded, as the four lads leap out of
the vehicle and begin to beat at the flames with their jackets,
never stopping until the fire is finally extinguished.

The oilmen have never seen anything like it.
They send up a cheer and race over to Paddy's crew,
laughing and clapping them on the back.

"Jayzus, that was a rough one" says Paddy.
The field's owner hands him the check for 10 grand
and remarks, "Well, this ought to buy you some new jackets."

Paddy replies, "Jackets? The first thing I'm buying
is new brakes for that fucking truck!"

[htuttle]

14. "I'm going to Galway"

An old Irish story tells of a farm woman who set out on the road, walking at a brisk pace. "Where are you going, Maureen?" a neighbor woman asked.

"I'm going to Galway," said Maureen.

"Be careful," the neighbor warned, "You should say, 'I'm going to Galway, God willing.' "

"Stuff and nonsense," said Maureen, "I'm going to Galway and sure that's the whole matter."

God thereupon waxed sorely pissed. He turned the poor woman into a frog and deposited her in a swamp with a few thousand other frogs, and there he left her for seven long, long years. ALl she heard or said for those dreary years consisted of "Gribbit! Gribbit! Gribbit!" and an occasional more classical "Koax, koax, koax!" Everything she saw was dank and dark, like a scene from Poe, and all she had to eat were flies.

"It's enough to bother a body," she thought mournfully on many a miserable and rainy day.
"At the end of seven years, God relented and allowed Maureen to resume a human form. She immediately climbed out of the swamp, washed her clothes, and hung them on a traditional hickory limb. When everything was dry, the good woman dressed herself again and started out on the road once more.

"Where are you going, Maureen?" asked another neighbor.

"To Galway," she said, "or back to that damned swamp with the frogs."

[Gormy Cuss]

15. Father Murphy walks into a pub

Father Murphy walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Please stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to the third man and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?
The man said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

The third man said, "Oh, when I die, yes, father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."