I have a teen parenting question

[cally]

I would appreciate input into this dilemma I'm having. My daughter gets her license very soon and many of her friends are already driving. I'm thrilled because I absolutely hate driving at night to go pick her up. Obviously, I'll still drive if she needs me to but I'm going to enjoy not having to pick her up from school activities all the time.

In California, a 16 year old has to have her license for one year before she can drive others. I don't agree with the law but it is still the law. (I've encouraged her to approach the local Assemblymember and try to get the law changed.)

My dilemma is that I am the only parent who will not allow their child to drive her friends. None of her friends parents enforce the rule. My husband does not agree with me but enforces my rule. It is common for a 16 year old to drive her friends. (The same was true for my older daughter.) My child is the only one who is not allowed to drive their friends. I have caved and let them drive with others since my daughter is not breaking the law. The problem is that I trust my daughter's driving and common sense more than others. I would prefer she drives but I feel crazy making her drive all alone while everyone else drives together. We do try to not drive excessively to not overuse gas and natural resources.

So, what would you do?

[Rabrrrrrr]

1. If she's drivking kids and gets into an accident, she's insurancely fucked

You can kiss insurance goodbye, or at least say hello to insurance that costs 5-10 times more than she's paying now. Especially if someone she's illegally driving gets hurt.

Enforce the law, dumb as it is. Your insurance company IS paying attention.

And this way, you don't have to seem to be the bad parent - you can blame the law and the insurance company. And also let her know that it's actually the other parents who are doing bad parenting, because they are allowing their children to risk the future of their insurability and/or ability to have relatively cheap insurance.

[blondeatlast]

14. I can't argue with that (I'm a mom, too). Sound advice indeed. nt

[Arugula Latte]

2. I agree with the above. Stick to your guns.

It's only a year. It's not worth the risk.

[LaurenG]

3. What Rabrrrrr said and

It is a well known fact that kids drive more recklessly when with a group of friends. Stick to your guns, you are teaching her a valuable lesson as well as keeping her as safe as possible.

[seaglass]

4. I have the same dilemma. I have let my daughter ride

with friends who are not supposed to have other teens in the car and I feel like an ass saying these other kids can break the law and my daughter can participate in it but my daughter can't drive any of them.

Nevertheless, I must be an ass because I don't want her driving other teens. But most likely she will.

In California do the kids lose their license if they get caught?

[cally]

8. Yes, they will lose their license

It seems like too great a risk but I still would prefer her drive herself. I enforced the rule with my older daughter but it was only for six months. The law changed very recently.

[cally]

13. Also, I told my daughter I would take her license

away if she drove other kids unless it was an emergency. I defined an emergency as including parties that had drinking and sexual pressure that made her uncomfortable. I don't think she ever did drive others except once when a friend ran out of gas and she drove her sister with a note which is legal.

[seaglass]

28. In MA. you can drive siblings no matter what their age. No

note required.

[trof]

5. What's the penalty if she gets caught?

[cally]

9. Lose your license and liability in an accident

It's pretty severe.

[Orsino]

12. There's your answer, I'd say.

I am not a parent, but this would seem to end any discussion of the matter.

[hatredisnotavalue]

6. Tell your daughter

that her friend's parents could lose everything they have in a lawsuit (their home, their cars, their savings) if their kid kills a kid while driving illegally. That brought it home to my kids and their friends' parents.

[Shakespeare]

7. Please obey the law; it's a good one, and on the books for a reason.

I'm not sure what part of the state you live in, but up here in the north bay, we've lost a disproportionately high number of teens to stupid auto accidents in the last year or two. Most of them were the result of carelessness and lack of focus and (most important) inexperience. In one specific case, the mother of one girl allowed her daughter to drive AGAINST the rules laid down by a judge after the girl was previously pulled over for speeding. That accident took the lives of a couple of her friends, and the girl and her mother still seem baffled as to why the community wants them both held responsible.

I have a 16-year-old stepdaughter, so I understand what you're going through. We've tried every way we can to pound into her (somewhat hard) head the importance of driving responsibly, and keeping distractions to a minimum (cell phone is to stay in purse and NOT in use while driving, no eating in the car, keep the music to a reasonable volume, etc.). So far, she's been pretty good. And we do a lot of taxi work getting the kids around.

[cally]

11. I'm familiar with that case

The girl drove after her license was suspended. I have the same rules about cell phones and eating.

I think the law should be for 3 months and not a year. I would like to see it changed.

[hatredisnotavalue]

36. Ironically, My 17 yo son got stopped by the police this morning

And it scared the crap out of him.

He was just coming home from the 30 hour famine fundraiser sponsored by Key Club. They spent the night at the HS playing games and horsing around and not eating to raise money for Key Club charities.

He has had his license since Dec. 23. I know the cops would be suspicious of a kid riding thru town at 6 a.m. and stopped him because he did not have his lights on. (It was day light when he came home)

Of course they stopped him because they had no motor vehicle violation to stop him for and assumed he had been drinking.

My two cents. He says he isn't even going to be chewing gum or listening to the radio for the next three months if he drives.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

10. My 18 year old son asked me for a Guinness...

and I told him he can have one when he's 21.

Yes, I was allowed to drink at 18, and my parents let me drink before that. Sometimes I was mature and handled it well, and other times I got shit-faced. I still believe that anyone who's old enough to get killed for his country (or his country's oil companies) should be allowed to drink.

I know my son has had booze before; but still I abide by the law. I've got a 7 year old to think about too. It'd be hard to take care of him if I was in jail.

[tigereye]

15. huh

I won't tell you how many of us we used to pack into a tiny 70s era Honda CVVC ( the early ones) and into my parent's station wagon. Funny to think that that isn't allowed as often now. We were never in accidents though. We were always very careful. OTOH, I did lose a relative to a teen fueled car accident.

But, the law is the law. I agree with you and if it saves even 1 life, that's a good thing.

[Midlodemocrat]

17. You weren't just careful...you were lucky.

And, there weren't as many cars on the road then, as there are now.

[tigereye]

33. well I think there still is a balance -

sometimes I think we are too eager to over-protect teens, they do have some ability to reason and make positive decisions. We can't stop everything bad from happening to them. We have to give them the tools and hope that they make good decisions.

[Midlodemocrat]

16. We have the same law here, and I DO agree with it.

Teenagers are notorious for piling kids in the car with or without seat belts. My daughter drove with a friend the other night who had 6 kids in a five passenger car. I was enraged at her for being so foolish and stupid and she can never, ever ride with that kid again.

Additionally, I told her that if she did it us, and got in an accident, we would be so incredibly fucked financially that we would never be able to climb out of the hole, so that it isn't an option.

Stick to your guns. You have yourself and the rest of your family to consider.

[cally]

19. I'm also the only parent who won't put more kids than

seat belts in the car. I really don't get why others don't enforce this one.

[Midlodemocrat]

22. Well, in this case, Mom didn't know.

But the thing that really pissed me off is the kid without a seat belt lost his father in a car accident two years ago. If ANYONE needed a seatbelt, it was that guy.

[Random_Australian]

18. Same dilemma down in Aust, but when 17, not 16.

On the Red Provisional class licence you can have only 1 passenger. As a Learner.... hmmm it's rare to see a learner with anyone more than whoever is teaching them, but I don't think it's illegal.

Anyway, wanna bitch about driving laws for young'uns? In Aust (Well in NSW in Aust)

- First you pass a test, a knowledge test.
- Then You get your L's, and are allowed on the road with someone to teach you, and are limited to 80k/h
- You must log 50 hours of driving in many areas and conditions.

- Then you take another test.
- Then you are on your Red Provisional Licence, can drive up to 90 km/h, and you must keep your Red Provisional for a full year.
You may have a maximum of 1 passenger.

- Then you take another test.
- Then you are on your Green Provisional Licence, can drive up to 100 km/h (60m/h), and you must keep your Green Provisional for a full (two?) year(s). (Can't remember).
- While on Green, you can have a max Blood Alcohol Content (B.A.C) of 0.02. Before that the max is 0.00.

- Then you take another test, and you get your first full license, no max speed, and can have a B.A.C of 0.05


And you think you're rules are overdoing it?

[cally]

20. That's complicated

I do think the new law is unreasonable. I think our society overprotects teens and then we expect them to be fully independent at 18. It's crazy.

[ScreamingMeemie]

21. We circumvented that by not signing our daughter up for driver's training

yet. Even though it would make my life easier, I thought about it and realized it's a priveledge and not a right. One that I'm not sure she's ready for. She's a great student and a good kid, but the attitude can get a bit much and she is easily led, at times, by a certain friend of hers. I can put up with 2 years more of driving. :) I would say that I would not let her drive other friends in the car. It will be a black mark on her record right from the start if she's caught. Good luck with whatever you decide to do! :hi:

[nini]

23. Who cares what the other parents do.. you're her parent not her buddy

First of all, you have to consider any liabilities issues YOU will endure if something happens and she is violating that law.

Second of all, if you let her drive while you both know it's violating a law that's not a good message to her either.

You are doing the right thing for many reasons. She'll survive, you won't have to worry about any ramifications of an accident etc.. and when she grows up she'll realize you did the right thing as a parent. I wish all parents had the sense to do the right thing like you are.

[Iris]

24. They pass those laws for a reason. n/t

[seemunkee]

25. Similar situation here

My daughter will be getting her license soon too. The no friends law was recently passed and I'm going to stick to it. It's a stupid law, how do they expect kids to go on a date?

[cally]

26. Well, I've decided no dating

I'm joking. It's a stupid law.

[AlCzervik]

27. My friends daughter just got her license and she drives with her friends--

when it's time for my daughter i've already told her she's not driving around with them--period end of story.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

29. Remember the most common phrase uttered by teenagers since

the days of the Cro-Magnons: "But everybody else is doing it!"

I think the "But everybody else is doing it!" neuron gets turned on in their brains at puberty.

[cally]

30. In this case, I do believe her

because I know many of the parents. Still, that excuse is used all too often.

[cally]

31. I'm going to enforce the rule

Thanks everyone for your replies. I needed to know that I wasn't crazy because most the adults around me are not supportive of my decision. I appreciate the input and reinforcement.

[Katherine Brengle]

32. I would not let her drive others--

it's the law for a reason. We have the same law in my state. Three quarters of teenage drivers will get into an accident in the first 6 months of driving--increasing the number of kids in the car not only endangers more people, but also poses the possibility of the driver becoming easily distracted by her/his passengers.

It's only a year--and it's for the greater good.

Additionally, I wouldn't allow her to be a passenger in another 16 yr old driver's car either, but that's just me...

[China_cat]

34. Respect for sensible laws

starts with what you teach...and do...at home. A good way to teach the difference between 'good' laws and bad ones, too.

Your advice to her to try to get the law changed while abiding by it is the best civics lesson she could have right now.

[MissMillie]

35. follow the law

It is already obscenely expensive to insure the car for a teenage driver. It gets much worse if said teenage driver is caught breaking the law.

We have a similar law here. The driver can only drive family members for the first 6 months that they have their license (unless the passenger is 18 years old).