Why I hate The Gap (or, Fun with Spontaneously Assless Jeans at the Mall)

BigMcLargehuge

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Sat Mar-18-06 11:05 PM
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Why I hate The Gap (or, Fun with Spontaneously Assless Jeans at the Mall)

Five weeks ago I bought a pair of Gap Jeans for $38.50 with a gift certificate from my brother. Also included in the purchase were three tee shirts, one short sleeve, and two long-sleeve for a total of about $70. I should have known I was in for trouble when after a single wash (cold with hang dry) all three "XX Large" tee shirts are almost too small for Meg McLargehuge (She's 1). But I was really happy with the jeans, they fit well, and was in need of new pants as all my regular jeans have various wear holes and look raggedy. I have worn these jeans exactly four times and washed them three times.

I took the McLargehuges out for cheeseburgers today and wanted to look at graphics cards at Best Buy so we headed off to the Mall of New Hampshire in Manchester. During the meal at a chain restaurant named for a Rolling Stones song I escorted Ian McLargehuge to the bathroom. Upon my return to the booth and reseating I sat on Ian's foot. A few minutes later Ian dropped his lemonaide beside me on the seat. Luckily it didn't spill (they have kids cups).

As we left the restaurant and walked the entire mall I became aware that my ass cheeks felt wet. I assumed it was some residual lemonaide from Ian's cup. However I could detect no wetness. Strange, I thought, but decided that my mind was playing tricks upon me. As we approached the carousel in front of JC Penney I became aware of uproarious laughter behind me. In fact, I had noticed laughter during our entire trek from the restaurant to the carousel but passed it off as regular shoppers exhuberance.

As we arrived in JC Penny, Mrs. McLargehuge and Ian took the escalator to the second floor. I wheeled Meg's stroller to the elevator at the other end of the department store. It was at this time that the cool wet feeling seemed to spread across my entire posterior region. Again I checked for wetness and realized that my fingers rested not on wet fabric, but on completely bare skin.

The entire ass panel of my jeans had torn away and hung flapping behind my knees.

Lovely.

I wheeled the stroller into the elevator and hurried to the mens department of JC Penney to find a pair of replacement jeans, which cost $34 bucks. I have come to realize that keeping one's back to the entire shopping population of a major department store is impossible. No matter how I tried to conceal my bare cheeks, someone was always within line of sight.

I also learned that It is impossible to push a stroller using your ass cheeks in place of hands, which, had it worked would have protected the innocent eyes of the shoppers as I crossed the store AGAIN to reach the customer service desk. After running Meg into at least three displays of shirts I abandoned this plan to get to the customer service area and pay for the jeans I had hastily selected.

The clerk could barely contain her laughter as she paged Mrs. McLargehuge for me so she could stand with Meg while I slipped into the newly purchased jeans.