You're a star- post your tour riders here.

[Beware the Beast Man]

Let's see what kind of ridiculous demands you could come up with.


HOTEL REQUIREMENTS FOR BEWARE THE BEAST MAN
-king-size bed. bed must be fitted with 500-threadcount sheets. must be free of seminal fluid and other secretions.
- temperature of room must not exceed 66 degrees.
- One (1) pair of sleep shorts, size XL
- any local microbrew is good. India Pale Ale is preferred.
- one case of Diet Cherry Vanilla Coke
- one personal computer with broadband internet connection and the Sims 2 installed. Democraticunderground.com must be saved in favorites with all threads containing the Brazillion joke hidden from sight.
- giant bowl of blue corn tortilla chips and Frontera medium roasted tomato salsa.
- a large glass bowl of all the brown M&Ms that Van Halen rejected over the years.
- One large urn of Italian roast coffee, half and half and turbinado sugar. A blue Fiesta ware mug must be provided. Polystyrene cups are not acceptable.
- at least 10 pieces of Nicorette 4mg gum.
- Any local fare of interest is acceptable. If sandwiches are provided, they MUST be sliced diagonally.
- A large bowl of Jelly Belly 49-flavor assortment of jellybeans, with the margarita and mango flavors removed from the assortment. Mr. Beast Man thinks they taste like cat urine smells.
-Mr. Beast Man's bathroom must be clean and equipped with at least three Cinnamon-scented candles. Restroom must be well-ventilated and have a loud ceiling fan, as Mr. Beast Man does not like others hearing his doody noises. A fully-stocked periodical library must be provided, with at least one magazine of each of these genres: news, liberal politics, entertainment, and music. A daily newspaper with a New York Times crossword puzzle must be provided as well.
-

[RandomKoolzip]

1. Okay:

HOTEL REQUIREMENTS FOR RANDOMKOOLZIP:

-No internet connection.
-A case of Reed's Ginger Ale, CHILLED
-An entire local college cheerleading squad (IN UNIFORM)
-1 (one) Komodo Dragon
-60 (sixty) feet of nylon rope
-A DVD player, copies of "Antiques Roadshow," and an 18-inch HD TV
-A stutue of Leslie Neilsen made entirely of butter
-A mute parrot
-A bowl of Crispix, WHOLE MILK
-Twelve sheets of blotter acid
-14 amyl nitrate poppers
-T-shirt bearing slogan "Don't try to understand 'em, just ride 'n' rope 'n' brand 'em," pink XL
-Face of Tom Cruise painted on bottom of toilet
-A guy named "Steve"

[tigereye]

20. you scare and intrigue me at the same time

:rofl:

[Fenris]

2. HOTEL REQUIREMENTS FOR FENRIS

- Entire floor of the hotel room (save the bathroom) is to be covered by mattresses.
- All drawers are to be removed from furniture. Also, dovetail joints will not be tolerated on any furniture item, and if they are found, all of the furniture will be tossed out the window. If the hotel does not provide an opening window, Mr Fenris will create one.
- The bathroom is to be stocked with enough towels to conceal several dead bodies.
- The requisite Gideon's Bible is to be replaced with a copy "Jonathan Livingstone Seagull" in Latvian. Also, the phone book provided must be a phonebook for Saskatoon, regardless of the country, city, or state the hotel is located in.
- The bathtub is to be filled will ice and Riunite.
- The sheets are to be changed once every forty-five minutes. If Mr Fenris is sleeping, make the bed around him.
- The bowl of the toilet must be no less than 6 feet from the bathroom floor. Mr Fenris has long shins.
- Please do not leave a complimentary copy of USA Today outside Mr Fenris' door in the morning. The infographics frighten and confuse him.
- Complimentary copies of Latin Inches and Honcho are to be delivered to everyone staying in the hotel EXCEPT Mr Fenris.
- Mr Fenris enjoys drinking cold coffee out of a sheep's bladder. Please accomodate.

[flamingyouth]

5. You forgot the ceiling fan.

You know how you love your air movement.

[Magrittes Pipe]

6. I provide lots of air movement.

Especially if I've had some vindaloo.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

15. That is freaking hilarious...

[Magrittes Pipe]

3. Riders for whoisalhedges:

-One (1) case Tanqueray Ten
-One (1) bottle tonic water
-One (1) lime
-One (1) rocks glass
-Graziella Maria Hernandez of Tijuana, and her burro
-A blindfold and noseplugs for dolo amber, so she doesn't have to smell the limes or see what transpires between Senorita Hernandez and the burro
-Thirty-seven (37) unfiltered Gitanes cigarettes per day
-A copy of "Penthouse" from 1974
-The "Night Court" DVD collection
-The left testicle of Fenris, brined and sliced, with onion and capers
-A silly hat

[tigereye]

21. if you smoked that many Gitanes in one day

you would be dead.

Or maybe you already are!


I really like this thread. It reminds me of the old days.

[ET Awful]

4. ET Awful's Requirements shall be as follows.

- Cats must be allowed, and litter service is to be provided every 6hours.
- Cats are not to be oohed and awed over unless they ooh and awwww over you first.
- Pepsi Vanilla must be available at all times. If Pepsi Vanilla is no longer available in the locality where the Hotel is located, plain Pepsi will be acceptable. Under no circumstances is any Coca Cola product to pass through the doorway of the suite.
- High speed internet connection is to be provided, there should be no limit on bandwidth and the connection should not be shared with other hotel guests, so as to ensure that my . . . ummm . . . study materials, yeah that's it, so my study materials may be downloaded as efficiently as possible.
- Cat food shall be provided from cans (1/2 can per cat per meal, breakfast and dinner). No grocery store brands are acceptable. Only premium cat foods with human grade ingredients will be allowed.
- People food will be provided to include meals three times per day. No pork will be permitted. Most meals are acceptable, but prior approval must be obtained from Mr. Awful.
- The TV in the room shall be at least 36 inches in size, and shall have the Fox News channel blocked completely. A filtering device to make all speeches by George Bush sound like Donald Duck will be installed for no better reason than my personal amusement.
- Mycological condiments shall be provided in accordance with local availability but containing no less than a standard effective dose of psilocybin and psilocin.
- Fresh orange juice will be available at all times, chilled, with pulp.
- Other requirements by Mr. Awful may arise and shall be provided for in their entirety with sufficient notice and lead time.

[darkstar]

12. "Housekeeping...

...uh...here's that Blue Cap chutney you ordered Mr. Awful. And I checked the pay per view listings. I couldn't find a showing of "Closing of Winterland" coming up. It's not an adult title is it?"

[flamingyouth]

7. I'd like people to leave me the hell alone for at least two hours a night.

Don't call or knock on the door.

A sleep number bed with Garnet Hill flannel sheets. The really soft kind. I like pink, but I'll settle for blue or lavender.

Organic produce, bottled water and a bottle of Chardonnay just in case someone disobeys and calls or knocks on the door.

Several boxes of books to be chosen by me ahead of time.

A personal trainer and the following equipment: elliptical, Pilates reformer & cadillac, free weights.

Soaking bathtub.

[asthmaticeog]

8. asthmaticeog's hospitality requirements are eminently reasonable.

1. One (1) CDR contaning exactly one (1) track: Europe's "The Final Countdown," sped up to double-time.

2. Mayonnaise-flavored chewing gum, with peanuts.

3. Beano

4. Seven (7) Pez dispensers depicting the head of Rondo Hatton, filled with Oxycontin tablets

5. All bedding stuffed with #2 (number two) pencil shavings

6. One (1) monkey in a bellhop uniform, diapered and leashed

7. Assorted photos of HEyHEY to tape to walls, ceiling, and back of prostitute's head

8. Prostitute

9. Four (4) frozen supermarket turkeys, One (1) Slip-n-Slide, lots of UNSALTED butter

10. One (1) case Dad's Root Beer, iced

[darkstar]

14. Eager bag boy: "Filled w /the blue or pink little candies, Mr. A ?

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.normansaunders.com/MonsVal/66-00,Frnk-31.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.normansaunders.com/MonsVal,04.html&h=262&w=187&sz=23&tbnid=VuIy8YSen458AM:&tbnh=107&tbnw=76&hl=en&start=1&prev=/images%3Fq%3Drondo%2Bhatten%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26safe%3Doff%26rls%3DGGLG,GGLG:2006-07,GGLG:en%26sa%3DN

[Rabrrrrrr]

9. One child to be sacrificed every hour, at 17 minutes past, blood to be

evenly distributed - no chaotic or random pattern tolerated - over chest of naked Wilford Brimley hung in closet.

- One 1.75L bottle Bombay Sapphire, rerigerated, not frozen. One bottle jalepeno stuffed olives. 6 lemons. 6 limes. 1 bottle Vermouth. 3 bottles tonic water. More ice than would fit in Rush Limbaugh's stomach if it were stretched over a '73 Lincoln Town Car.

- All unusable (i.e., "decorative") pillows to be removed from room. "Decorative" bed coverings to be removed form room.

- ONE GODDAMN MOVABLE LIGHT, THAT'S ALL I FUCKING ASK FOR, ONE GODDAMN MOVABLE LIGHT to be placed on nightstand by the bed SO I CAN FUCKING READ FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

- Jacuzzi tub

- All service/worker personnel who enter room are to leave their shoes in the hallway.

- MORE THAN ONE GODDAMN PACK OF COFFEE LEFT IN THE ROOM, I MEAN SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS THAT? ONE BAG OF COFFEE? MAKING ME CALL THE GODDAMN FRONT DESK TWO OR THREE TIMES A DAY TO ASK FOR MORE COFFEE BECAUSE NO ONE HAS THE AUTHORITY TO GIVE ME MORE THAN ONE GODDAMN BAG AT A TIME? JESUS CHRIST, YOU CHEAP FUCKS, I'VE BEEN HERE FOUR DAYS, YOU KNOW I DRINK A LOT OF COFFEE. GOD.

- Actually, I require a burr coffee grinder, premium quality coffee in bean form, and a quality drip coffee maker. And for every bag of coffee that comes in its own fiulter to use in that ridulous "4 cup" coffee maker, you are to slaughter one of your illegal alien room cleaners and wrap her entrails around Brimley's neck. Also, Wilford probably needs a drink by now.

- Whenever I call the front desk asking for something (food or other) that doesn't need to be cooked, I expect to be in my room within 4 minutes.

Other than that, you know, really, I can't imagine being the type to have a lot of these kinds of demands. It's just not my way - it's not so much me requiring certain things to be there (other than that all that ridiculous fucking decorate pillow and bedspread clutter be removed, and that I have some decent fucking coffee and bottled water to make it with), it's really about quick response when I ask for something. Nothing worse than calling for something, like a tube of toothpaste, and then waiting fucking 30 minutes for it.

[Sugar Smack]

10. HOTEL REQUIREMENTS FOR SUGAR SMACK:

- Several bags of ground French Roast coffee, and automatic-timer coffee maker already set on seven AM, natural-weave coffee filters, and a choice of white sugar, brown sugar, Sweet n' Low, and Sugar-In-The-Raw. Half and half has to be in the fridge.
- limitless cable access
- a fresh notebook (five star)on the desk and a set of black micron permanent drawing pens
- a pack of Basic full-flavored cigarettes in the soft pack, already tamped
- Temperature of the room must be at seventy, with the window cracked open at all times, and a law of quietness when anywhere within 200 feet of my hotel room
- crystal ashtrays evenly distributed around the room
- on the bar: Bailey's Irish Cream chilled to 62 degrees, one bottle of Chivas scotch, one bottle of tonic water, one good Spanish sherry, a basket of assorted sausage & crackers, and a lot of ice
- in the mini-fridge: Beck's and Harp Ale. No orange juice because I'd require it to be fresh-squeezed daily. Half-and-half for my morning coffee, cold plums for breakfast, green seedless grapes, Havarti cheese, strawberries, brie, mixed nuts and Toblerone chocolate.
- limitless internet access, my computer already set up to the journals page
- requirements of my cat Sophie: a personal bed heated to about 72 degrees, an assistant to throw her pink stuffed cat when she wants to play fetch, canned chicken in a fancy glass dish, and a few cubes of ice in her water bowl.
- in the bathroom: an array of Bath and Body Works in "Brown Sugar Vanilla" scent, and a hottub
- a really fluffy white bathrobe
- a down comforter and new slippers
- good lighting
- A case of Ginger Ale
- A copy of Hunter Thompson's Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas

I sincerely hope I haven't left anything out.

[XemaSab]

11. XemaSab:

Personal masseuse cum barrista

High speed internet

Big bathtub with BIG towels... none of those little hand towels

Readily available Asian and/or Mexican food

HGTV

Full bar with espresso machine

Pure, total silence at all times other than the aforementioned HGTV


I'm a simple gal. :shrug:

[Beware the Beast Man]

27. What, pray tell, is a cum barrista?

Never mind, don't answer that... :P

[ScreamingMeemie]

13. MrsG: All of the coca cola products not allowed by ET Awful. That should

do it. :hi:

[YellowRubberDuckie]

16. Here's mine:

Courtyard Marriot King Suite with a spa. This is my favorite hotel, and when we travel we only stay there ...

1.) 3 king sized comforters. I have to have my own. They are so comfy...
2.) Do not put regular blanket on bed. Nothing but the comfy comforter and sheets.
3.) 10 fluffy pillows. More to be available upon request.
4.) 12 pack of Diet Coke in the mini bottles.
5.) Bottles of Lemon and Lime Juices
6.) 4 pack of Jones Sugar Free Creme Soda
7.) Wireless High Speed Internet
8.) 31" HDTV.
9.) DVD Player and DVDs to be chosen by me at an earlier time.
10.) Directions to the nearest On the Border.
11.) 5 Strawberry Hagen Daaz Pints stocked in the freezer of the Hotel kitchen.
12.) If I order anything that doesn't have to be cooked, you have five minutes to get it to my room.
13.) Fresh flowers in every room. Purple or white tulips, White daisies, NO Baby's breath.
14.) Humidifier. Plenty of Vodka. If you don't know what I'm talking about, no wonder you are clogged.
15.) Large (30x60) white towels.
16.) XLarge fluffy white terry cloth robe, matching slippers.
17.) Lucky charms and plenty of 2% Milk.
18.) If anything else comes to mind, a minimum of 2 hours will be given for you to get it.

Sure my list is no where near as funny as Fenris's but i'm demanding and this stuff is essential!
Duckie

[Sugar Smack]

17. Good list!

:D :applause: :applause: :applause:

[greatauntoftriplets]

18. greatauntoftriplets' requirements.

A bed sans bedbugs.
A working toilet, sink and shower or bathtub.
A window.
Heat/AC...requirement varies based upon season.
A chair in which to sit.
Some place to put my crap.
A place to stash my carry-in booze.
An ice machine somewhere in the place.
Draperies so I don't have to strut my stuff nekkid in front of the window.
A lock on the door that works.
A local phone book so I can see who in the town shares my surname.
A phone with warnings about sky-high surcharges for using it.
Alternatively, an electrical outlet where I can plug in my cell phone recharger.
Nearby cell towers.

[tigereye]

22. "Some place to put my crap"

that would be my entire house, gaot! very witty.

[greatauntoftriplets]

25. It is especially appropriate right now....

because a good share of the furniture has been moved out of the house. Soon, everything will have to go on this desk, my dresser, the built-in bookcases in the front hall, or on the damn floor. Not many surfaces left. The big move is 4/29.

[tigereye]

23. "Some place to put my crap"

that would be my entire house, gaot! very witty.

[Orsino]

19. Remove the corporate fascists from government...

...or Mr. Orsino doesn't go on.

Also have Diet Mountain Dew and decaf Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper chilled.

[tigereye]

24. ok lessee

Sheets made out of purple fur, glow in the dark preferred
Hunky guys wearing animal skins and big beards who will serve me chocolate and fruit when I want something to eat and then grunt amusingly since they have not yet developed speech.
Screenings of Barbarella on demand
The Anonymous Four to sing at my pleasure, or if they are booked elsewhere, Shonen Knife
Brian Jones brought back from the dead
A 63 Jaguar at my disposal
Performances of sword mastery
Artisan breads of all descriptions, freshly baked
The ocean, and barring that, a large pond.
A large Union Jack on the wall
Closet full of black leather boots
Bowl of fruit salad large enough to climb into
Chinese language and philosophy lessons!
Hash.

whew.

[sexybomber]

26. hehehe *grins evilly*

Sexybomber's Perfectly Reasonable Hotel Requirements

- Room refrigerator shall be stocked with the following:
--- A healthy amount of local microbrew, the stranger the better
--- Three (3) bottles of Martini & Rossi Asti Spumanti
--- Two (2) bottles of Jack Daniel's Tennesee Whiskey
--- An assortment of cheeses, which must include Jalapeño Jack, Extra Sharp Cheddar, and Smoked Gouda
--- Various delicious vegan munchies for sexybomber's vegan girlfriend
- Room service on call to sexybomber's room, no greater than 20 minute wait time between call and receipt of food
- A component stereo system with woofers no less than 14" in diameter, wired to accept sexybomber's laptop with personal music collection
- Two (2) ounces of shade-grown British Columbia ganja (Northern Lights variety or similar)
- One water pipe, at least 18" in height, pre-filled with 33°F distilled water
- A Nintendo GameCube game system, with 4 Wavebird wireless controllers and the following games:
--- Super Smash Brothers Melee
--- Any Mario Kart game that has been ported to GameCube
- A king-size bed with the softest sheets available
- Tasteful long-life candles placed strategically around room and pre-lit upon arrival