Alcoholism is a real heart-breaker.

[Shine]

I just received sad news today that the marriage of some dear friends of ours is headed for divorce, due to the husband's inability to stop drinking. This has been going on for a loooong time, with building resentment and frustration on all ends. They've been together over 10 yrs and we've hung out with them socially a lot over those years. They've got two kids, the same ages as ours. I've known the husband since our college days together. He always was a big partier back then, but clearly now the drinking is ruining his life...and the lives of three other people.

It's just so sad. :cry:

We will stand by their family in whatever way we can and hold a higher vision for what's possible. Growth and change comes in many forms.....

[bigwillq]

1. He has to admit he has a problem.

If he can't do that, then sadly no one can help him.

[Shine]

31. You're absolutely right, bigwillq.

and I don't think he's at that point yet, sadly.

[KitchenWitch]

2. That is sad

Alcoholism destroys so many lives.

[Shine]

32. It had a major impact on my mother's side of the family.

both her parents, my grandparents, were alcoholics. The ripples of dysfunction go out.....

[Ariana Celeste]

3. That is so sad for all of them

Alcoholism is so depressing to cope with. There are many alcoholics in my family (and an equal amount of codependents) so I know how hard it can be. :(

This is no doubt for the best. :hug: to you, and :hug: to them. Good for you for standing by them!

"Growth and change comes in many forms..." You couldn't be more right.

[Shine]

34. Thanks, Ariana.

:hug:

[Whoa_Nelly]

4. Sorry to hear that, Shine

Second marriage was to an alcoholic. Learned a lot the hard way.

It's good to stand by your friends and just be there to listen when needed. :hug:

[Shine]

36. Thanks, Nelly.

:hug:

Right now, I seem to be giving more emotional support to the wife...maybe it's a gender thing, I don't know. I've known the hubby much longer, but it's not exactly like the he is beating down the phone lines or email to talk to me about a problem he won't even admit to.

Sigh.

We do what we can. :hug:

[Skittles]

5. it wrecks so many families

my brother drank himself to death; in condolences, people mentioned the problems in their family, their sibling, parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle, kid, or even themselves. It truly is a hideous disease.

[Shine]

37. I'm sorry about your brother, Skittles.

:hug: You're right, it's a hideous disease.

[Skittles]

49. thank you

sadly, I can really not separate his death from his life because alcholism so slowly destroyed him. We were only 11 months apart.

[Shine]

60. Oh, Irish twins.

My sister and I are Irish twins, too. For ten days out of the year, we're the same age.

That must make it extra hard, being so close in age to him. Again, you have my deepest sympathy. :hug:

[Skittles]

86. yes

I'm an Irish twin twice over actually; first Glenn and I would share the same age for a month, then my brother Terry and I shared the same age for a month; my mum had three babies in 21 and a half months!!! :o

[Shine]

88. Dang. Our family is much the same way.

My mom had three babies in 2 yrs.

Irish Catholics, what can I say? :D

Obviously, you can relate. :pals:

[Skittles]

89. lol, well, actually I use "Irish twin" in the old saying sense

my mum is Church of England ROFL

[Shine]

90. Oh, oops. heheheh.

:o

[undeterred]

6. It is a heartbreaker

I have a friend/ex who is alcoholic and doesn't think he has a problem. He has lost much because of it but there is nothing that cannot be rationalized.

An alcoholic has to want to change, and has to want it badly. And they have to be willing to go through a lot to do it. Some will, others never do.

[Shine]

39. "there is nothing that can't be rationalized"

yes, that's it, exactly.

:hug:

[mike_c]

7. I divorced my ex-wife after 10 years because of her alcoholism....

It's not just the drinking-- it's what it does to their personality. It's an awful disease. Ironically, she ended up in rehab a few months after I filed the divorce and got sober, although I suspect that she's drinking again (it's been about a year and a half since the divorce was final and I last saw her). I don't have any contact (and don't want any) so I don't know for sure, but she periodically sends me rambling, incoherent, VICIOUSLY NASTY emails in the middle of the night, and that sort of behavior was one hallmark of her drinking.

You might recommend Alanon to your friend-- Alanon meetings helped me deal with the stress of the separation and divorce for awhile, although I really think the best thing is to do exactly what she's doing-- get out and don't look back. You cannot deal with someone else's alcoholism-- you just can't-- so if it's affecting you the only real solution is to remove yourself from the situation.

[Shine]

41. I'm sorry about your ex, mike

:hug: It's so hard to see someone you love destroying themselves.

I have already recommended AlAnon to my friend. I hope she follows up, or at least gets some sort of extra outside emotional support. The kids have already been pretty affected by it.

[southlandshari]

45. Hi stranger!

I'm so glad to see you! I'm a bit emotional about this topic tonight, but I do have one of these I've been saving til next time I saw you around here:

:hug:

[mike_c]

75. thanks, luv....

Every little bit helps. :hug:

[raccoon]

77. I have a relative who does that,

"but she periodically sends me rambling, incoherent, VICIOUSLY NASTY emails in the middle of the night, and that sort of behavior was one hallmark of her drinking."

Don't know if she's drinking--but that is a possibility. She has it on both sides of the family.

[WCGreen]

8. I've been sober since 1983 or 1982.....

I can't remember....

But I was headed down the path...

I saw the light....

Coming at me....

As I was driving the wrong way down an interstate.....

[mdmc]

11. .

:kick: for your sobriety

[GoddessOfGuinness]

12. Congrats, WCGreen...

I wish a friend of mine could see that light. He's had 3 accidents, lost the right to visit his son, lost jobs, and recently became homeless. :cry:

[WCGreen]

48. It's gotta come from within.....

It's a selfish condition that demands a selfish treatment.....

[Shine]

44. I am married to an alcoholic who has been sober since 1989.

I have never known him to drink since we've been together (14 yrs), but I can testify that the addictive type of behavior still manifests in different ways.

It's a challenging path, but one that is fraught with lots of personal growth opportunities.

Kudos to you, Chris, for stepping into Clarity and seeing the light, in a NEW WAY. :hug: :loveya:

[WCGreen]

We are all subject to addictive, compulsive behavior....

Especially in a society that revels in change for change shake....

[LynzM]

9. Yes, it really is.

Many hugs for your friends, and for you, as well. The feeling of being powerless really sucks. :hug:

[Shine]

46. Thanks, LynzM

:hug: Yes, it's hard to bear witness to suffering.

[flamingyouth]

10. I'm really sorry to hear this.

I've had some experience with this in my family as well. They're lucky to have friends like you. :hug:

[Shine]

47. Thanks, my friend.

Yeah, I've had alcoholism in my family, too. Sadly, it seems more the norm these days, than not, eh? :hug:

[Maddy McCall]

13. It is so sad. An example....

A couple with whom I was friends had problems rooted in the husband's alcoholism. It was like he wanted to be "the party guy" in adulthood that he had been in his much younger years.

When he'd get drunk, no matter where we were, he'd play air guitar, say really obnoxious things, and do outrageous actions...like lighting a fart in a posh-posh bar.

So his wife enabled him, because she was as addicted to food as he was to drink. She claimed that his drinking made her so miserable that she had to eat. He claimed that her physical appearance (and his unhappiness from being "trapped" by pregnancy) gave him all the justification he needed to drink his misery away.

It was vicious, ugly relationship--I guess it still is. I'm no longer friends with them. They were miserable, yet happy, together. Neither had to work on their problems as long as the other was fucking up. They took their disgust out on their friends, instead of working on their own problems. Last I heard, the flock of friends that used to gather every weekend has slowly peeled away--alcoholic buddies are fun to laugh at during parties and such, but very difficult to maintain friendships with.

Best decision I ever made was walking away from that toxic friendship. Yes, they are still together--and I'm sure the wife is sticking her nose into other's business still, the drama queen that she is, rather than address her own (and her husband's) problems.

[Shine]

51. "toxic"....yup, that's the word.

you were relatively lucky you didn't have too many emotional strings to that friendship and could end it, by setting a healthy boundary and moving on.

I think it's harder for somebody who is married to an alcoholic to get clearer on what those boundaries should be, b/c there's so much emotional investment in the relationship. They enable, they put up with, they ignore...the list goes on and on....

....and yes, that's where it gets dysfunctional. And if there's kids involved, it gets even more tangled.

Ugh.

Sigh.
May we ALL be clear from toxicity in our lives.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

14. My experience with alcoholism has been limited but goes like this

They're drinking because it's hot
They're drinking because it's there and if it's there they'll drink it.
If it's not there we should go somewhere to get some
They're drinking because they like the taste
They drink too much when they're unhappy and when they're happy they're gonna alternate non-alcoholic with alcoholic
They're drinking because they don't have any pot
They're drinking because YOU BOUGHT IT FOR THEM
They're drinking because it's good
They're drinking because it helps them sleep
They're drinking because they enjoy it
They stopped drinking for two weeks so that means they aren't *really* an alcoholic
Everything that happens is your fault and they tried their best in between beers and bong hits

Then when they are not happy it is all your fault..when all else fails seek yet another geographical solution

[southlandshari]

15. Been there, done that

Except I was on the giving end, not the receiving. I have a lot of amends to make. I've lost a great deal, my finances are in shambles, relationships damaged, body sadly out of shape - but I am sober and have never felt more at peace as I do today. I can only focus on changing myself, but I pray every day that others find what I stumbled upon (13 years after my first AA meeting, I finally get it) and am good and goddamned determined to hold onto, because it beats the pants off the alternative.

:hug:

[Oeditpus Rex]

16. shari...

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

We got yer back. :loveya:

[southlandshari]

18. 26

more reasons I absolutely :loveya: you, my friend - how'd you know I needed a hug or two (or 26) right about now?

;)

[KitchenWitch]

19. Hey woman!

Check your PM!

:hug:

[southlandshari]

30. Hey!

Check yours!

:hug:

[Oeditpus Rex]

25. Educated guess

Been there, y'know... 15 1/2 years ago.

:loveya:

[southlandshari]

38. Very educated

Thank you - for everything.

:loveya:

[Shine]

62. Kudos to you, my friend.

:hug: Congrats on your sobriety. :loveya:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

17. at least you acknowledge the need to make them

:thumbsup:

[southlandshari]

27. Only when my life was fucked up enough to force that acknowledgement

I am nothing special - just someone who grabbed the last life preserver around after I threw rocks at every other lifeboat that came my way. Rats on a sinking ship do no less.

But I hope like hell I've got a lot of time ahead of me to be something better. Because I am NOT going back.

The most important thing I've done in all of this? Letting go of my anger. At a lot of things and a lot of people. Even in situations and relationships in which I was right to be angry. Because it was getting me nowhere. It's hard as hell to do, but the payoff is unparalleled.

:)

[WCGreen]

55. One day of peace, calm and sobriety.....

is worth the thousand days of drinking.....

[southlandshari]

58. You are absolutely right.

Why the hell that's so hard for us to figure out is beyond me!

:thumbsup:

[WCGreen]

59. It took me years......

And people think I'm smart.....

[southlandshari]

69. Wow!

People think you're smart?

:rofl:


























Kidding!

:hug:

[WCGreen]

73. Just a vicious rumour.....

[merh]

20. What Oeditpus Rex said

:pals: :hug:

:loveya: more

[southlandshari]

33. You have been with me every step of the way

and if I try to type one more f'ing word about that, I will absolutely lose it, so just know that your friendship has been one of a handful of powerful catalysts that literally saved my life.

[merh]

40. ...

:pals: :hug: :loveya:

[Shine]

53. Blessings to you, brave sister.

:hug: May you continue to walk forward with Clarity and Inner Peace. :hug:

[southlandshari]

56. I want to make amends from now

for the thread hijack!

And thank you for your very kind words, darlin'!

:hug:

[Shine]

52. Yeah, that just about sums it up.

I esp noticed the "They stopped drinking for two weeks so that means they aren't REALLY an alcoholic."

That's EXACTLY what the hubby has done....but then he inevitably starts up again.

He doesn't control the drinking, the drinking is controlling him.

It's sad.

[Iniquitous Bunny]

74. I was so there.

And if alcohol starts to make them so sick they can't drink, without continual effort to maintain sobriety (not just stopping the drinking, but real sobriety), the addiction is substituted for pot or prescriptions or whatever one can get their hands on to make themselves not have to feel. If they go to work everyday, everything's fine even if your partner is continually saying, "Where are you? (metaphorically). I need you."

Then they quit (in an attempt not to lose you) without really dealing with all the internal feelings they don't want to feel and say to you, "Look what I did for you! Everything should be OK now, right?"

In my case, it wasn't OK for a very long time, but I no longer have to be emotionally tied to this person and rely on that person as a partner. I'm very thankful for all the supportive people in my life (in big ways and in small ways) while I had to make difficult decisions and worked through my healing.

I wish you healing as well. :hug:

[merh]

21. ...

:hug:

[Shine]

63. merh!

:hug: :loveya:

[liberaltrucker]

22. That it is, Shine

I'm rasslin' that gator myself.

:hug:

[KitchenWitch]

23. Much love and support to you, my dear friend!

:hug:

[liberaltrucker]

26. Thanks, KW

:hug:

[southlandshari]

28. I believe the two of us could take that gator together, darlin'....

You know I'm always here for you.

:hug:

[liberaltrucker]

35. That we can, sls

:hug:

[southlandshari]

71. You know how to reach me, anytime.

I pretty much wear my gator-wrasslin' outfit every day for now....

;)

[merh]

29. (((hugs)))

:hug:

[liberaltrucker]

42. Much thanks, merh

With all you're going through, :cry:
you reached out to someone else. A true
liberal, nay, a true American.

:cry:

:hug:

[merh]

43. sugah! next time you pass my way

we will have a cup of coffee or two and share some laughs.

We all are going through some stuff, mine is no greater than anyone elses, it's just different.

:hug:

[liberaltrucker]

50. You got it!

:hug:

[Shine]

54. Hugs and love to you, liberaltrucker.

:hug: :loveya:
"To be who you are and become what you are capable of being is the only goal worth living." ~Alvin Ailey.

[liberaltrucker]

61. Quote saved and printed on a postie

Thanks.

:loveya:


:hug:

[Shine]

67. That's good to know.

and amusing, b/c I've got it on a postie stuck to my computer, too. I look at it everyday. :D

:hug: :pals:

[JohnKleeb]

24. I am sorry

It really is, and its even more scary when you feel that you are an alcoholic. I really do have a genuine appreciation for AA knowing about all the good they do even if it can seem a little odd, I try to understand.

[Shine]

57. Yes, it's scary to admit one doesn't have control.

It takes a lot of Courage, Strength, and self-Compassion to get to that point. :hug:

[Oeditpus Rex]

64. But once you do it

everything feels a whole helluva lot better. It's like a gargantuan exhale.

I never felt the "courage" thing, though. How much courage does it take to stop killing yourself?

I just wanted my self-respect back. No miracles there.

[Shine]

66. Well, you've definitely got MY respect.

:hug:

:thumbsup:

Here's to living life on your own terms! :toast:

[Oeditpus Rex]

68. Thanks, Shine

That means a lot. :hug:

[southlandshari]

70. ......

:thumbsup:

x 26

and then some


;)

[CaliforniaPeggy]

65. My dear Shine........

This is very sad, and unfortunately, familiar news.....

My late brother in law was alcoholic......

He did conquer his demons, though.....quit smoking and drinking at the same time, without AA.....

He never married, though, so there were no other folks affected directly by his drinking....

He was a great guy, and I miss him ......

[Shine]

78. Yes, sad and all too familiar news.

it's become more the norm, than not, I'm sad to say.

:hug: Good for your bro-in-law for "conquering his demons", as you put it.

[NMMNG]

72. Alcohol and drug abuse can truly destroy lives

The mental health program I work in is for people who have mental illness and comorbid substance abuse problems (alcohol and/or other drugs). It is heartbreaking to hear the stories of the former lives many of the clients had before their addictions and illnesses took over everything. An addiction can truly destroy everything.

I hope your friend can admit his problem, seek the treatment he needs, and get his life back on track.

With Metta,
Buffy

[Shine]

79. Thanks, Buffy.

:hug:

[rhino47]

76. Alcohol is such a bitch.

It grabs some people and never seems to let go.
It is very sad to see a peer to throw away his life like that.

[Shine]

80. Yup, it's hard to bear witnes to suffering.

:hug:

[Name removed]

81. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Shine]

83. OMG, I just read your post.

Whew. I'm so sorry your husband had to go through such a tragic experience. No soft landing for something like that....My heart goes out to your man and I wish him Peace. :hug:

You're right, it's a devastating disease and one that causes so much pain as the ripples of dysfunction go out into the families.

Thanks for your heartfelt post and good wishes. In the midst of the suffering, we can only continue to hold a space for what's possible. :loveya:

[Misunderestimator]

82. That's awful Shine...

I'm so sorry that your friends are going through that. :hug: Alcohol, drugs, gambling... so many things can tear people down. It's too bad that he can't pull himself together and see how much more important his family is. Maybe this will wake him up.

[Shine]

84. Let's hope.

it's sad that the old adage, regarding alcoholics, is that they have to hit "rock bottom" before they wake up.

Unfortunately, others have to go along for the ride.

Sigh.

Thanks for your good wishes. :hug: :pals:

[i kiss first]

85. Sorry to hear that

good friends are hard to come by.

[bigwillq]

87. Hello.

Welcome to DU! :hi: