Can someone talk me down

[lizziegrace]

before I go and completely humiliate my daughter?

It's 4:40am here. She went out with her boyfriend who attends a university about 5 miles from here. She was to come home after an improv show. She's not home. She's crashed in her boyfriend's dorm room. She intended to do it all along. How do I know? Her toothbrush and contact lens stuff is gone. I've been trying her cell and she's not answering.

Why am I all bent out of shape about this? She lied about her plans. I need her help here since we just moved and home and her college courses have taken a back seat to her social life. She's now got just under a 2.0 GPA. This is someone who got a 3.75 in HS taking all AP courses. I know she's 19, but it's not all about her and she hasn't figured that out yet. And yes, lying is something that makes me completely irrational. Her father had a long-term affair and he made lying an art form. We divorced 5 years ago.

So, am I being irrational? Overreacting? I'm so far beyond tired I can't think straight. :(

[file83]

1. Sounds like she lives under your roof. Tell her that if she wants to

continue enjoying the benefits of living at home (I assume for free) and going to school, she needs to tell you the truth about when she intends on coming home, or she can move out and get her own place. The fact is, whether you/her realize it or not, this is a sign that she's ready to leave the nest. Whether she can afford it or not is not your problem. If she can't afford to live her lifestyle (moving out and partying), then she better grow up and learn to communicate with you better, and learn how to negotiate some more flexibility from you concerning "sleep overs".

There is no reason to get emotional about it. It sounds like she's ready to grow up, afterall, she is 19.

On that note, it is a Saturday night, she is 19 and going to school. She wants to party (that's natural). Her grades are her problem. Tell her straight up, that it's her choice if she wants to fail school and be a loser, but that you will still "love" her. If my dad wouldn't have said that after my first year of school, I probably wouldn't have "snapped" out of my slumping grades and gotten my act together. It's the ONLY time he ever said anything like that to me. I love that he had enough courage to scare the shit out of me like that.

I'm not sure how you both agreed that she "was to come home after" some show on a Saturday night. But since she is obviously partying tonight and shacking up at her boyfriends apt/dorm, I wouldn't "worry", I'd just get ready to have a simple talk with her.

You need to be realistic about how your lifestyles are different now, and how that may conflict with your/her expectations of how you can live together in a respectable manner.

Good luck, and hang in there. I'm sure she is fine (drunk, but fine).

[lizziegrace]

3. ...

You're right, she lives at home or at her dorm room at the big university here in Columbus. She has no car and hasn't gotten her license yet, so I have to pick her up. Her boyfriend doesn't have a car (his home is about 200 miles from here). I worked today and he was here at the house with her all day.

I guess what makes me angry is that she said he would either borrow his roommate's car and bring her home or she would have me come get her. But it's obvious she planned this all along since her stuff is gone.

She's already lost her scholarships because her priorities don't include an education she's wanted since she was in middle school. :(

[file83]

10. Wait, she has a "dorm room"? Well, then I'm confused...

...if she has her own dorm room, then what are you all worried about? Nevermind...

[lizziegrace]

12. Two universities

I moved this week to another county and now am 5 miles from her boyfriend's school. She attends college in Columbus and is "home" for the weekend.

[file83]

17. Oh, I gotcha. Well then, that's different. It's your call...

I would worry more about her grades than whether she sleeps at your place or not when she comes "home" for the weekend.

[hfojvt]

7. failing school does not make a person a "loser"

whatever that is.
Well, at least graduating college with a 3.45 and getting an MA did not make me a "winner"
whatever that is.
My brother partied and dropped out before working some and then going to a different college.
But otherwise, you have a great perspective there, although I do not really get the whole "partying" thing, and social lives often seemed so wrapped up in trivia.

[lizziegrace]

8. I'm not calling her a loser

She worked so hard through HS to get her GPA up so she could go to college and major in History. She's been an anglophile (sp?) since she was 11. This is her first serious relationship and she's not secure enough to say "I have a test, I can't stay online with you all evening." Her boyfriend's smart and seems like a good guy. I hope she can find some balance or she WILL lose everything she's worked so hard for.

I mean, I can accept that she would never say that her mom needs her help... She is 19.

[file83]

9. I know it doesn't. But if it scares her daughter into getting a higher

education (like it did me) then is that so bad?

[lizziegrace]

11. I think what it comes down to

is that age-old desire for a parent not to have their children repeat the mistakes they made. I gave up my education for love. Put her father through both his advanced degrees. I did finally finish my degree when my daughter was 5 and will be paying off my student loans until I retire.

I realize that it's not possible to keep her from screwing up, after all, it's how we learn some hard lessons.

But thanks to all of you, I didn't go pounding on the door of the dorm... :)

[file83]

18. Yeah - going "pounding" on the door of the boyfriend's dorm

would be the worst thing you could possibly do. OMG! I'm glad you didn't do that. NEVER do that unless it's a life or death emergency. Otherwise, you would lose major points with your daughter. :yoiks:

[hfojvt]

15. I would say it is

the whole higher education is, in reality, about degrees and credentials far more than it is about education.
The loser paradigm devalues and disrespects
a) manual labor and, by connection, manual laborers and
b) people with below median incomes

[lizziegrace]

16. To a point

I am still as good an accountant as I was before I got the "piece of paper" and I am still angered that I'm debt up to my eyeballs in order to get credibility.

My daughter's always wanted to teach at the university level so doing well in college is crucial if she wants to succeed in that world. Again, that world has it's own definition of credibility...

[file83]

19. Let me clarify on the "loser" comment....

I was giving advice to the mother on how to kind of "jump start" or "shock" her daughter into buckling down and getting good grades show she can graduate and get a degree.

By no means am I suggesting that not having a degree actually makes anyone a "loser". Of course not. I know plenty of people that are very successful that don't have degrees.

All I'm sayin' is that sometimes (parent's disgression) putting a "little fear" (just a little) down can motivate people like it did me. That's all.

Not to mention, I also know several people with degrees that are "losers".

Like the saying goes: "It's not where you've been, it's where you're at."

[Ariana Celeste]

2. I agree with file83 , but also wanna say

the talk should wait until after she's home- I can't say I totally understand how you feel but I know I have put my mom through that- and we've had some big misunderstandings because we weren't calm enough to seriously discuss things.

I made the mistake of moving out as soon as I turned 18 (with a bad guy) over some misunderstandings.... anywho, you know your daughter better then we do, and you'll know the right course of action.... you aren't over reacting- you care, you love her, and that's important. :hug:

[Whoa_Nelly]

4. You're justified re: the lying

but nothing you can do about it right now.

So...that said...

Get some sleep, and be prepared with what you want to say and convey to her in the AM when you do see her. :hug:

[lizziegrace]

5. Thanks

It's difficult for me because I'm so hyper-sensitive to being lied too after the way her father behaved.

My family is hundreds of miles away and I get calls all the time from everyone (including her father) wanting to know how she's doing, why her grades are so bad, why she's not helping unpack her things...

Being a single parent's a bitch.

[Whoa_Nelly]

6. Definitely know the single parent thing

...and it isn't easy...ever.

But did learn along the way, that when you can't control what is happening at the moment, let it go for the moment, and get some sleep so you have the energy to deal with it the next day.

[ZombieNixon]

13. OK, I'm going to give some perspective from a 19-yo's view.

I'll try and be as serious as is possible (for me).

Please take all of this with a grain of salt, as I don't mean to try and dictate your worldview. I'm closer to your daughter's position than I am to yours. I'm not saying I'm in the right in any of this, in fact, I'm probably wrong in the grand scheme of things. Only time will tell.

I'm currently...*ahem*..."involved" shall we say, with someone to whom I was a close friend in HS. We go to school a few hours apart, about 1500 miles from where we both grew up. Every so often, we get together and "hang out" (among other things). We both know that our respective families would have a cow if they really knew what's going on (What's that, Mom, drink, sleep together? No, not at all. :eyes:) so the only people who know at this point are our respective friends who have no connection whatsoever to our former lives (and I mean former, as we both moved to get away from our small, boring, Freeperish hometown).

But, hell, parents are perceptive about their children, and even though I'm 90% sure my parents have a pretty solid idea of what I get up to (which is a lot...I'm taking a herking road trip to Canada in two weeks without them knowing), but they say nothing of it. Why? They trust in their parenting skills and know I won't do anything too stupid.

Also, that fact that I have a 3.7 GPA doesn't hurt. It seems to me that you're concerned about two things, as well you should be: her grades and her lying to you. So, she's staying over with her boyfriend. You've posted a picture of her. She's really cute; I'm not going to lie. However, I don't think there's much you can do about it. Now. Next time, however, make it clear that as long as she lives with you, you need to know where she is at all times. My SO and I currently live in dorm beyond the reach of our families, but when I'm home, my parents still insist on this, and I don't mind, because I know that they pay part of my tuition. You are still involved in your daughter's life to a large degree, make it known. When my SO missed her train back to Indiana (OK, so I took her for a long walk in the rain just as the train was leaving, sue me. :eyes: :P), we called her parents, made sure they knew she would be staying the night with me, and talked it over. In the end, everything was fine.

Bottom line, she wants you to know that she's growing up. You need to tell her you understand that, but you still love her and want to be a part of her life.

As a final caveat, I should also mention that I've had seven beers and I'm really tired. However, this condition seems to be when I'm at my best.

Think about it, get some sleep, talk to her. It'll work out. Plus, her birthday's the same as mine, she can't be all bad (actually, I'm not sure that's a good thing. I'm pretty much the same IRL as I am on DU. Uh-oh). Anyway, hugs to you. :hug: It'll work out. :)

[lizziegrace]

14. I agree with you completely

She is 19. She's an adult. And when she's home, things that she normally would do at school probably aren't going to fly. I expect her to be honest with me and keep her word.

She's not all bad, just like you aren't all that bad! :evilgrin:

:hug:

Night!

[lizziegrace]

20. I want to thank all of you

You helped me get past a knee-jerk reaction to a situation that isn't all that unusual. You saved me from embarassing myself and my daughter and probably damaging my relationship with her. We will still talk tomorrow, but at least it won't be full of emotions running amok.

:hug: