My wife might need an abortion

[Ravenseye]

My wife might need an abortion and I don't know if either of us has ever been this upset. She's 10 and 1/2 weeks pregnant. She'd had some spotting throughout this pregnancy but early last week she bled heavily and passed a clot. Generally a sign of a miscarriage. Our health insurance didn't kick in until the first of April so we waited until today to go get an ultrasound. My wife was already convinced she had miscarried. I wasn't convinced, but we were both nervous.

As soon as the ultrasound started, there was the baby. Alive, heart beating, little fetal legs kicking. We couldn't have been happier.

Then the doctor came in after my wife had her pants back on. Apparently the cranial and brain development isn't correct. Like there aren't bones in the head or something. It's all a blur. Since it's early she's giving it a week and then we're going back next week and the doctor, rather than the technician, will do it herself. We asked her if it could just have been the positioning, or something, and she said it's possible, but she doubts it. She literally said "It doesn't look good. If it wasn't so early I'd call it terminable, but lets give it a week. You never know, but it just doesn't look good, i'm not going to lie to you."

Well fuck...

Anyway needed to vent somewhere because we hadn't told anyone yet other than our parents.

[Midlodemocrat]

1. I'm so sorry, Ravenseye.

:hug: to you and your wife.

[Ravenseye]

10. Thank you

We both need it. We're each other's rocks, so we'll just hold on and ride this out together.

[Gormy Cuss]

2. I'm sorry, Ravenseye. n/t

[Ravenseye]

11. Thank you

[philosophie_en_rose]

3. I'm so sorry for you.

:grouphug:

This must be really hard for you. I'm glad you and your wife have one another for support.

[Ravenseye]

12. Thank you

It might be the worst i've ever felt when the doctor told us that. We're just trying to be strong for each other.

[fight4my3sons]

4. I'm very sorry that you and your wife are going through this.

I had two early losses myself. The second required surgery at 12 weeks. If I can be of any help please PM me.

I hope that the next sonogram brings you better news.

:hug:

[Ravenseye]

16. Thanks

I might PM you. Hopefully, and there is a chance for this, the scan was just bad, the position was bad, etc, and that everything is fine, but it doesn't look good.

[Left Is Write]

5. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

I'm just really very sorry. :hug:

[Ravenseye]

17. Thanks

I appreciate it.

[Stockholm]

6. I am so sorry for you Ravenseye

:hug:

Keeping my fingers crossed.

[Ravenseye]

18. Thanks

I'm generally non-superstitous and agnostic but right now I'll accept all prayers, wishes and finger crossings. I appreciate it.

[jukes]

7. sincere condolences, Ravenseye

that must be crushing.


:grouphug:

[Ravenseye]

19. Thanks

Crushed would be an accurate description of how I feel right now.

[Fleshdancer]

8. I am so very sorry Ravenseye

You and your wife will be in my thoughts this week. Please keep us updated and please think about getting a second opinion just in case.

:hug:

[Ravenseye]

23. Thanks

I'll keep you updated. Next week the doctor will do the ultrasound herself, and then we'll know for sure. Still, we will without question get a second opinion from another doctor before we act on it. I haven't given up all hope and if there is anything we can do to save this child we'll do it.

[MissB]

9. I'm so sorry, Ravenseye.

It is going to be a rough week for both of you.

I assume they'll be doing a level 2 scan or something like that. Perhaps you could have it done at a place that is experienced in difficult pregnancies (perinatologist versus your standard OB).

:hug:

[Ravenseye]

25. Thanks

Yeah fun week ahead for us. We were nervous leading up to this because she really thought she had miscarried, and wasn't expecting to see a baby. So she had prepped herself for no baby, then wham there's the baby, heartbeat moving....and for the first time in weeks she relaxed...then the doctor comes in and essentially tells us that we're probably going to have to 'put down' the baby (she didn't use those words, but it sort of felt that way).

We're at a specialized screening place already, and after next weeks scan we'll go to a second location and get a confirmation as well before we act on anything.

[NewWaveChick1981]

13. Ravenseye, I'm really sorry.

[Ravenseye]

26. Thanks

[Bunny]

14. Oh I'm so sorry.

This must be agonizing. :hug:

[Ravenseye]

27. Thanks

Yeah. I don't think I really could have understood this pain before.

[bigwillq]

15. That is just awful.

I am very sorry this is happening to you and your wife. :hug:

[Ravenseye]

28. Thanks

I almost want to just say "shit happens". It's a miracle any of us are here at all with all the crap that can go wrong in pregnancy. At least we're finding out early. I read a story online just now about someone finding out a smiliar soundign thing at 32 weeks. I can't even imagine that.

[bigwillq]

32. Well I wish you both the best.

It's going to be a difficult decision either way.
But I know you guys will make the right decision and do what's best for your family.

:hug:

[Ravenseye]

35. It's just hard

If we go back next week and they essentially say that it has absolutely no chance of surviving outside the womb, there's not much we can do. It's hard enough to put down an old dog, I can't even imagine having to do this. If there is anything we can do to save this child we're going to do it.

Thanks again for the wishes.

[Spacemom]

20. I'm so, so sorry

:hug:

[Ravenseye]

30. Thanks

[merh]

21. All I can do is offer cyber hugs

and my prayers. :hug: :grouphug:

You and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers. :grouphug:

[Ravenseye]

31. Thanks

I appreciate it. As I told someone else above, i'm not superstitious or religious, but right now I'll accept all thoughts, prayers, and wishes.

[1gobluedem]

22. How awful

My roommate from college went through the same thing. Truly heartbreaking.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your wife.

[Ravenseye]

33. Thanks

How frequently this happens to people makes it in some ways eaiser, because it's not just you, but also harder thinking about all those people out there sharing this pain.

[Blue-Jay]

24. I'm terribly sorry to hear that.

:hug:

[Ravenseye]

36. Thanks

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

29. I'm so sorry

:hug:

[Ravenseye]

37. Thanks

[Mz Pip]

34. So sorry

How devastating this must be for you and your wife. My thoughts are with you.

It is fortunate that we live in a time where there are such excellent diagnostic tools. If everything is alright you'll know for sure soon.

Mz Pip
:dem:

[Ravenseye]

38. Thanks

Yeah. It's great the diagnostics are there. I just hope someday the medicine progresses. The majority of miscarriages and fetal problems are apparently still mysteries. They don't actually know much about how it happens, or why apparently. Still if we can find out now and avoid having to go a full 40 weeks to just deliver a dead baby It's better.

Just so fucking insanely hard emotionally.

[Shine]

39. I'm really sorry to hear this news, Ravenseye

I'm sending you all my best wishes for Peace and Comfort during this difficult time. Take good care of each other. :hug:

[Ravenseye]

44. Thank you

I appreciate it.

[rbnyc]

40. So sorry.

This happened to a friend, within weeks of my miscarriage in 03. Her baby's skull wasn't forming properly. It was devastating. I hate to see you and your wife go through this.

Within a few months we were both pregnant again (and practically ODing on folic acid) and both our boys are strong and healthy.

Still, nothing takes away the pain of losing a baby that is wanted.

I'm so sorry. I'll keep my fingers crossed, but it's not good news so far.

[Ravenseye]

47. Thanks

Yup. Devastating.

You know. It's weird. We had really already prepared ourselves for the baby either being totally gone, or dead already. We would have still be incredibly upset and the emotion would have been released and we could have dealt with it. Now though it's not just that, but we're going to have to actually make the decision and tell someone to kill our baby. We'll do anything to avoid that. Anything. Yet if the baby has no chance then it's really the only loving choice.

I already told my wife that in the future we'll still be sad about this but we might see it as they way it was meant to be. If she gets pregnant again within a few months and have a wonderful happy child next time, then we will know that without this, we never would have gotten that one.

I just hope we can have that kind of overall happy ending. Right now though it feels like someone's hitting me in the chest with a bat.

[rbnyc]

without this, we never would have gotten that one.

Yes!

My son was conceived before the due-date of the baby I lost. So he never would have been possible if I hadn't lost her. It just made everything somehow make more sense.

Whatever happens, and whatever you decide, I wish you all the love and strength in the world.

[redwitch]

41. I am so sorry

Terrible news to get. Thank goodness you have each other. :hug:

[Ravenseye]

48. Thank you

[Deep13]

42. Good luck to both of you. nt

[Ravenseye]

49. Thanks

[Wapsie B]

43. I'm so sorry Ravenseye.

Damn, what a thing to have to decide. Good karma and vibes for you and your wife.

[Ravenseye]

50. Thank you

Karma and vibes gladly accepted.

It's a pretty fucked up choice. I still haven't totally given up hope, but I'm trying to come to grips with it so I can deal with it logically in a week.

[deadparrot]

45. I'm so sorry.

I know that doesn't mean much right now. :hug:

Positive vibes, prayers, and good thoughts coming your way. Best of luck with everything.

[Ravenseye]

51. Thanks

It does mean something, even if it doesn't stop the pain. I appreciate it.

[wildhorses]

46. so sorry to hear this...I will keep you in my prayers

:hug:

[Ravenseye]

52. Thanks

[Tsiyu]

53. What a sad time for you

Whatever choice you make, it will be the right one for you two.

Good of you to be strong for her and to seek some support for yourself. hugs to you both :hug: :hug:

[Ravenseye]

63. Thanks

It's very hard today. She seems stronger than me about it, I think because she was already convinced the pregnancy had ended. I'm just completely broken up, and trying to deal with it so I can comfort her better.

[NewJeffCT]

54. oh my, I'm so sorry

I can't imagine the pain you and your wife have right now. You have my deepest sympathy.

Please be very accommodating of your wife over the next several months - my ex-wife went through similar almost 10 years back and it was very difficult for both of us - she refused any sort of counseling, and if I tried to comfort her, I was accused of smothering her... if I then tried to give her a little space, I was quickly accused of being distant. And, things never really got better for us and now, we are obviously no longer together.

We had other problems, to be sure, but just wanted to prepare you for what could be a rough time for her - and, in turn, for you.

[Ravenseye]

64. Thanks

I feel so helpless right now, in that I can't protect this unborn child, but I'm also worried about my wife. I take your advice to heart though. I know that it's going to be especially hard on her, particularly if we have to abort the pregnancy. Hopefully we can figure out some way to either get counseling together, or just keep up our good communication.

[indigo32]

55. I'm sorry Ravenseye

:hug:

[Ravenseye]

65. Thanks

[CaliforniaPeggy]

56. I am so very sorry.......

:grouphug:

[Ravenseye]

66. Thanks

[miss_american_pie]

57. I'm so very sorry

I hope for the best for you both.

(And if it should turn out badly, you'll get through that, too. :hug: )

[Ravenseye]

67. Thanks

I just keep telling myself that we'll get through it together.

[miss_american_pie]

73. I know it's hard to see past

I lost a pregnancy two years ago today. If that's what happens in your case, you won't ever forget it but you'll find a way to make peace with it. :hug:

[Ravenseye]

79. Sorry for your loss

I don't think I could have understood it before today, even though there is still a slight chance the baby is ok. I definately don't want to forget this baby. I never will. Ever. I just want the pain i'm feeling today to dimish just a little bit... blech.

[gollygee]

58. I'm sorry Ravenseye

I can only imagine how hard this must be for the two of you.

:hug:

[Ravenseye]

68. Thanks

I couldn't have imagined this before, and I can barely grasp it now.

[sarge43]

59. Oh Ravenseye.

Strength and comfort to you both.

:hug:

[Ravenseye]

69. Thanks

[Debi]

60. I wish both (or all three) of you well.

I'm the mother of a child with a neural tube defect. Luckily my child has spina bifida and not to sever complications. (the problems were much lower on his spine). PM me if you want to talk about it, I know we're not supposed to have medical conversations on this board, so I won't go into details. I do understand the fear you are feeling, I will think many good thoughts for you this week. The worst decision in the world to make. But truly kind of your doctor, rather than giving you false hope only to see your child perish after a full-term pregnancy (anencephaly). I hope things will turn out for the best.

[Ravenseye]

70. Thanks

PM'd you.

[Debi]

89. Got it - know that I'll correspond w/you as much as you need it. n/t

[Pithlet]

61. I'm so sorry.

You and your wife will be in my thoughts. :hug:

[Ravenseye]

71. Thanks

[Blue Diadem]

62. Your hearts must be breaking, I'm so very sorry.

All I can offer are hugs and prayers. I wish there was a way we could change things for you.



:hug:

[Ravenseye]

72. Thanks

I wish there was something I could do as well. That's the hardest part. The fact that it looks like there are no options. All our medicine and technology and there might be nothing we can do.

[Beaverhausen]

74. Some friends of mine went through something similar last year

Their baby was even further along but the diagnosis was that the baby wouldn't have made it to term and my friend was having major health problems with the pregnancy, too.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. :hug:

[Ravenseye]

80. Thanks

I am trying to tell myself how good we have it under the circumstances. I just found out that my wife's mother miscarried at 5 months (for a different reason). We're catching this so early that even though it hurts, it has to hurt exponentially more the further you are along.

[YankeyMCC]

75. That's painful...nothing to say that will help you'll have to find a

way to get through this...but here's hoping you and your wife will find a way. You have each other and hopefully others who can give you support. My wife and I went though something similar, emotionally anyway, though not as far into the pregnancy as you guys are so I can offer my sympathy.

This situation sucks...sucks bad...but I'm sure you guys can get through it and will have many more happy things to look forward too.

[Ravenseye]

81. Thanks

I just wish all the people who understand the pain we're going through right now, didn't have to experience it also. It just blows.

[Bassic]

76. Good lord, that sucks.

I myself am waiting for my first shild to be born in a couple of weeks. I remember the first ultrasound, seeing the heart beat and the little guy kicking and moving it's hands. I've never felt like that before in my life.

I'm so sorry for you. :(

[Ravenseye]

82. Thanks

Good luck with your first. It's pretty amazing seeing the heart beat. Seeing them move. That was the worst part of today. We thought it was good news, and then they beat us down.

[ScreamingMeemie]

77. Ravenseye...I am so sorry.

I have been through three late term losses..I know that pain. My heart goes out to you and your wife. Meanwhile I am keeping you both close in thought and hoping that all turns out for the best.

Much Love,
Laura

[Ravenseye]

83. Thanks

I can't imagine three late term losses. Three times this pain would probably kill me. Still holding out hope that everything will be fine, but it's hard given what the doctor said.

[LaraMN]

78. Oh how utterly heartbreaking, Ravenseye! My thoughts are with you.

I'm sure this coming week will be a tough one for you both. I can only imagine. I'm so sorry. :hug:

[Ravenseye]

84. Thanks

Yeah I wish I could just crawl into bed for a whole week It's going to suck.

[grace0418]

85. I'm so sorry Ravenseye.

I just had some dear friends go through the same thing. My heart broke for them and it breaks for you. You're in my thoughts.
xoxo

[Arugula Latte]

86. Oh, I'm so sorry.

That is such a hard thing to go through. I wish you strength. :hug:

[AirmensMom]

87. I'm so sorry, Ravenseye.

:hug: :grouphug:

[KitchenWitch]

88. That is awful news!

:cry:

[pitohui]

90. i'm sorry my friend

why shit like this happens i do not know

all i can do is send a :hug:

[Richardo]

91. I am so sorry, Ravenseye...

:hug:

[YellowRubberDuckie]

92. I'm so sorry...

:hug:

[u4ic]

93. I'm so very, very sorry Ravenseye

:hug: to both you and your wife.

[Coastie for Truth]

94. I am so sorry for you

Meanwhile-

Do the Conservative Fundies and Evangelicals and Haredies and Wahabies who would normally heap scorn and judgement support "Universal Single Payer Health Insurance" and a type of "SSI/Medicaid" to support, e.g., a severly deformed child for life AT TAXPAYER EXPENSE as an alternative to abortion. After all, I consider an this "Act of God" - and it should be a burden evenly distributed among all of us.

I don't see them jumping on the band wagon.

And, I am a "Faith Based" Progressive/Liberal "Of faith"

[Yavin4]

95. My Sincerest Condolences

Your Case Is The Reason Why I'm Pro Choice. I have some personal qualms with abortion. However, each and every case is different. There are many, many instances

[Ilsa]

96. I am so sorry, Ravenseye, and please tell your wife how sorry I am.

I had a miscarriage the day after I found out I was pregnant via a home test, followed up by a doctor's visit. The night i discovered it I cramped and it was a done deal the next day. Very painful emotionally just the same even though I barely had a chance to get used to the idea. I don't know how I would have made it through at 10+ weeks.

10+ weeks is going to be more difficult, and I am really sorry she is going to have to go through that procedure. I wish I could do something (I am a nurse) to help her through it. I wish her the best in her recovery if it turns out this is something she has to do.

You can always vent with your buddies here on DU.

[fortyfeetunder]

97. Hugs to you and your wife

I can't imagine how difficult is for you two, but I thought about you today

:hug:

[SmileyBoy]

98. I'm so sorry to hear this.

You have to do what's best for you.

:hug:

[SeattleGirl]

99. I'm sorry for what you and your wife are going through

I'm sending you both good thoughts and prayers, that you get through this.

:hug: :hug: