My mother doesn't want to be living in the nursing home anymore

[hatredisnotavalue]

My visits to her are getting to be very depressing. (as if visiting anyone in a nursing home isn't depressing)
She has been in the veteran's home for almost 1-1/2 years now. Before that she lived with us for three years. I have pretty much taken care of her since my teens. Her health issues are astronomical and what aren't real are imaginary. (She has been diagnosed as psychotic and a danger to herself)
I used to visit her twice a week. Then once a week. During the Maine winter, I have made it in every two weeks, but send her a care package several times during that time period. I live an hour away from her.
Every time I visit her, she begs me to come back to my house to live. Last time I went to visit, she said that my family, two kids and husband, don't want her to live with us again.
I can't properly take care of her. This I learned from her three years with us.

This doesn't happen once a visit, it happens at least four or five times. Each time I tell her that she has to take advantage of the physical therapy at the facility and get stronger. I compliment her at each visit that I think she is doing better than my last visit.

Does anyone have something I can tell her other than my stupid response. As an aside, the home is truly wonderful. I meet with the staff each time I go in, they are respectful of my comments and follow thru with them. I know for sure she isn't being abused and is being very well take care of.
Thanks in advance.
.

[skygazer]

1. Oh, you both have my sympathy!

I have nothing for you but that, though - no idea how to say what you need to say. I cannot imagine losing my independence - it's the thing that frightens me more than anything else. I remember my grandmother when I was a kid - my dad's mother. She would live with us for several months or a year or more - until everyone was heartily sick of putting up with her - and then she would go live with another of dad's siblings and do the same. Eventually, she was put in a home - a very nice home, but it wasn't her home. She hadn't been in her own home for a long, long time.

She was difficult, no doubt about it. Autocratic, demanding, insulting. Still, I look back and think how awful it must have been, to go from a strong, independent individual to needing to be taken care of by others. Some can handle it, some can't, I guess. I don't know how well I'd do with it but I don't want to find out.

Hard situation for everyone. I'm sorry. :hug:

[hatredisnotavalue]

4. Thanks Skygazer

It just really sucks being in this situation. But thanks so much for your kind word. They are much appreciated.

[Suich]

2. Is there a support group you could join?

It would be helpful if you could talk to other people in a situation similar to yours. Please take care of yourself...the fact that she lived with you speaks volumes about the love you have for her.

Good luck! :hug:

[hatredisnotavalue]

14. Thanks Suich

I talked to the people at the nursing home and my comment is the best they suggested. I keep trying to turn the conversation around to other things she is interested in and that seems to work for about fifteen minutes when she brings up the housing issue agin. But thanks for your comment.!

[trof]

3. Been there. You're doing the right thing.

We cared for a great aunt for three years.
Happily, when it was obvious that she need more professional care than we could provide, she suggested the nursing home.

She didn't have psychological problems, at least not then. She did earlier in life, but with a psychologist was able to work them out.

My heart goes out to you, but you just have to keep emphasizing that she needs medical care that cannot be provided at home.

How old is she?

[hatredisnotavalue]

5. She's 80

While she was with us she broke her hip. Later at the home she had a stroke. Her health issues are so overwhelming that she would need to live with a doctor full time to take care of her. I just don't want to remember her this way. She was also nutty, but in a nice eccentric way.
Truthfully, my husband says not to go in anymore because I come home so distraught. And I don't think she would miss me not visiting, which is the sad truth. But I do it because of guilt.

[trof]

9. OK, I'll be blunt.

1. Don't feel guilty. Easy to say, but REALLY, you shouldn't
You have done the best you can for as long as you could.
It's really out of your hands now.

2. She's 80. Honestly, given what you say about her medical situation, how long can she hold on?
I said I'd be blunt.

3. Your job is just to make her as comfortable and happy as you can for the time she has remaining.
"Happy" may be out of the question. That's life. You can't actually do much about "happy". Comfortable is the most you can hope for, and, believe me, that's a real gift if you can manage it.

4. Don't feel guilty. And don't feel guilty.
Will it help her?
No.
Will it help you?
Certainly not.
Unfortunately, guilt is usually self-inflicted.
Just keep the thought "I loved her, I love her, I will love her. Whether she knows it or believes it.
I know it."
And, in the end, that's all anyone can do.
Peace.
:hug:

[hatredisnotavalue]

11. Thanks trof, kind words indeed.

I will tell her next time that my job is to make her as comfortable and happy as possible and that the NH fits the bill. Thanks for your thoughts!

[GoddessOfGuinness]

6. What you've said in your post is not stupid...

Make sure you look her in the eyes when you tell her that she's getting much better care in the home than you could give her.

I'm so glad you found a place that treats your mom well. I wish everyone could find such a treasure... :hug:

[hatredisnotavalue]

7. Thanks....GoG

The place is incredible. New art work on the walls every month, field trips every other day. I will look her in the eyes next time and tell her such...thanks so much.

[hatredisnotavalue]

8. The kids have to use the computer..willl be back later!!

[tibbir]

10. My heart goes out to you.

This time of a child's life with his or her parent becomes so difficult. My mother passed away at the end of November but from September until then her health got increasingly worse and a nursing home was going to be the next step. It's a very difficult and depressing situation to be in.

I also understand about visiting because of the guilt. I'd say to go as frequently as you have to in order to avoid having regrets later and, if she's doing well in a wonderful home, every other week may be enough.

Good luck, my best thoughts go out to you.

[hatredisnotavalue]

12. Thanks tibbir

Your comments meant a lot of me. I am sorry about your mother's passing. I truly belive you know what I am going thru. Thanks so much for your best thoughts.

[lumberingbear]

13. My mother is in a nursing home too.

I took care of her 27/7 for three years, but then it became necessary to put her in a home.

I talk to my sister every day. (I'm back in Fl and my mother and sister are in Indiana.) My sis said my mother cried today when she left. This has never happened before and of course my sister is upset. I told her that since my mother has Alzheimer's (and is 93) that my mother probably forgot about it as soon as my sister left. I told sis that she is worrying about something my mother has forgot. With your mother's mental condition, the same is probably the case.

Take Trof's advice and may you have peace of mind.....:hug:

[hatredisnotavalue]

15. Right back at you with the peace of mind

I am sorry for your situation. All around it is just too darn sad. Good luck with your mom.

[hatredisnotavalue]

16. got to watch lost, but will be back later, thanks all! n/t

[Rowdyboy]

17. You've gotten some excellent advice so far....Take it to heart....

Particularly the part about not blaming yourself. You're doing the right thing, both for her and for your family. Try to continue to visit for your own sake. You'll be glad in later years.