Here's a buzz kill - should I call my brother?

[LuckyTheDog]

My brother has been angry at the family for about 15 years. He has not gotten to know his nieces and nephews (he has 11 of them!). He has missed several weddings, the funerals of his grandparents and other milestones.

Every now and then, this really bums me out. Sometimes, when it does, I contact him and get an earful of abuse for my trouble. And I have been really bummed out about it lately.

Should I sign up for even more abuse - or just sit tight and wait for the urge to call him to pass? An uncle recently died, so I could use that as my "excuse."

[mac56]

1. how about writing him a letter?

nm

[LuckyTheDog]

2. I suppose I could

I have an office address (he is a lawyer) and an e-mail address. That way, I could let him know about our uncle.

But what I REALLY want is for him to give up his grudge, ya know?

[mac56]

3. If/when that happens, it'll be independent of any action you may take.

Don't mean to be harsh. But this is experience talking.

[OhioBlue]

4. I would call him

if you have the urge to do so, then go ahead and call. Just prepare yourself to have low expectations from the conversation, that way you won't be disappointed, but if you have a good conversation, it will be rewarding. He may have some kind of defense mechanism (maybe even b/c he feels guilty for missing so many events) but, if you just call him, I'm sure he will appreciate it even if he doesn't convey it to you.

:hug:

[Robeson]

5. I hear you....

...my brother and I had a falling out about 2 years ago, and haven't spoken since. We were best friends up until then, then a lot of shit hit the fan. I've wanted call him, to get this past us, but I'm just not sure he's changed, especially from what I've heard from others, who say he has bad mouthed me. So I don't know what to tell you...:shrug:

[laheina]

7. Robeson, my sister and I are in a very similar situation.

To make a long story short, on an impulse, I invited her over to my house to make vegan cookies with my mother and I.

I know that she hasn't changed, and stuff isn't all better, but it is a start.

[Maddy McCall]

6. Why is he angry?

Sometimes it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

What happened to cause his anger?

[LuckyTheDog]

8. Mainly childhood

He decided in his late 20s to be angry at the family because of what he saw as a rotten childhood. He felt the family was holding him back and needed to strike out. It's complicated.

[pitohui]

9. why bother?

it sounds like your brother doesn't give a fart abt getting to know 11 nieces and nephews and i don't know that i necessarily blame him

if he doesn't care, he doesn't care, let him go his way and you go yours

on edit, unfortunately when people decide that they need to cut off contact with their family, it's usually for either a very good reason, which you may not know the full story of, or because of a manipulative therapist, who has him sincerely brainwashed and believing he was ritually abused at satanic rites or whatever (this actually happened to a girl i knew, now she did recover, but not because of what her mother did, more because she became aware of legal actions from many patients of this therapists who were brainwashed into believing crap happened that never happened)

either way there is NOTHING you can do to change his mind, any change will have to come from him and he may be perfectly happy as he is