I need some serious advice about women.....

[Sting]

who they are, what they want, and so forth. I have very little experience in this category. I never dated in high school. The longest relationship I've had was two months and that was two years ago.

I'm 21, single, cute (so I've been told) and very shy. There's this girl I like a lot and I don't really know what to do next....we're just acquaintances. I work with her and we talk somewhat and I notice "something" when we do talk. I saw her at the bar last night, and she looked really cute and I wanted to dance with her, but I didn't have the guts to do it. After I got the courage to finally ask her, she left.

Can anyone help me out on what to do next?

I feel embarrassed on asking this question, but I want to do something now before I mess this one up...

Thank you.

[neuvocat]

1. Ask her out to lunch.

Or something like that. Remember that its better to try and fail than fail to try.

Besides, even if she were to say "no thanks" you've still paid her a compliment.

[KG]

2. as a younger man, i used to ponder on the question

'women - who are they, what do they want and so forth?'

after 20 years the answer became clear: i don't know, and they don't know either. :shrug:

[Intelsucks]

3. be very cautious of workplace relationships

if they turn out bad, so can your career. Not trying to talk you out of it, just be extremly careful.

[Sting]

6. eh...

it's just a work-study job here on campus. I don't really work with her. She just works at the same place I do, but at a different time.

[Intelsucks]

11. I guess I misunderstood you

my bad. Go for it.

[Bunny]

4. Ask her if she wants to go get a coffee after work sometime.

If she says yes, come back here and post for further advice!

[otohara]

35. Coffee Sounds Good

but not a corporate coffee place -

[Amomaly]

5. Stop posting here...

... and go call her.

Oh, and maybe get rid of that WWF-meets-The Crow personal picture too. It's unsettling.

[Sting]

9. hey...

you can diss me all you want, but don't diss the picture!

[NashVegas]

7. The Next Time She Comes into Work

Wearing anything remotely sexy, paste a huge grin on your face and let her know you appreciate it :)

[philosophie_en_rose]

8. Be her friend first.

Discover her interests and invite her to do something casual.

[Demobrat]

10. Yes. Work on the friendship.

Achieve a comfort level where the two of you feel you can tell each other anything. Then, tell her how you feel.

[Sting]

12. I've heard by my buddies...

that the 'friend' thing is something you just don't do. They said if I were to do that, I'd be stuck in the "friendship circle" and I'll never be able to get out of that. I dunno. :shrug:

[Lydia Leftcoast]

45. Not true

You have to be careful to have some flirtation in the friendship, but if friendship can't turn into a romantic relationship, then the romantic relationship wouldn't have occurred anyway. It means that one of you or the other doesn't see the sparks.

Trying to warm up a friendship through flirtation and playfulness is a lot more likely to succeed than using the most direct approach. I've seen it happen, and I've had it happen to me.

[drdon326]

13. As Howard Stern has said.....

Greet her like you greet a bowling ball.

[Emboldened Chimp]

14. Work on getting to know her, but also

don't forget to flirt with her. Smile and compliment her: tell her you like what she's wearing (shoes are a big plus) or that you like her hair; find something, anything. She'll pick up on it. And if she reciprocates, all the better. But be confident!

[lucky777]

15. Here's the Secret . . .

I don't like to give away the store, but you sound like you need some advice. I'm 40 yrs old and have had tons of girlfriends, so I speak from experience, believe me (I'm a professor so I am around young people your age all day, though I am married now). Your problem sounds to me like you are being too wishy-washy -- that doesn't play well.

Here's what you do: Walk straight up to her and say, "I think you are really hot, I really like being around you, I couldn't keep my eyes off you in the bar, and I want to take you out for a drink ."

That way it is clear from the start, no pussyfooting around. That puts the ball in her court -- she can accept or reject. You have to be ready for rejection, that is the key. Most guys act really tough but they are pussies about rejection, so they never come straight up and ask. I have found that a direct approach is the best -- girls like it best b/c it gives them the power squarely since you have defined the relationship from square one.

If she says no, tell yourself "Fuck her" and go on to the next.

If that doesn't work and you are still hanging, go out and get some expensive clothes and a cool haircut and a decent car, because in the end most women are attracted to $, sad to say dude.

Good luck.

[Sting]

17. hmmm....

good advice. I should then just approach her with the "don't care" attitude? I like that.....

As for the money thing, the college soaked all that away from me. :grr:

Thanks man, and thanks all. I'll keep you all posted.

[lucky777]

18. Don't be friends

If she says, "I would like to be friends ... ", you must say "No, I don't want you as a friend, I have enough friends already, see you around." Not in a mean way, but firm. That gives you back the power, my friend.

Another piece of advice (I'm giving you all my tips here): Women are insanely competitive, which means that it often takes a woman to get a woman, as strange as that sounds. My buddy's girlfriend was an amazing knockout and he never wanted to go out, so I would sometimes take her out to the bars (no funny stuff, bros over hoes as they say), and I got lots of attention from other women that way since they were competitive with the other girl, they would give me their numbers, it was insane -- violated all logic, but it worked.

This is a science, dude! And a war, believe me.

[Sting]

20. hmmm...

I'm going to ask my roommate's insanely hot girlfriend if she'll come to the bar with me sometime. I'll put that logic to the test. Thanks again.

[areschild]

36. I can't speak for most women, but

money was never the issue with me. I liked nice guys that I felt comfortable with.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

46. Me either

Money is icing on the cake, but if money is all you have to offer, you'll just get the superficial, air-headed bitches.

Remember--George W. Bush has money. I can't imagine any DU women throwing themselves at him, not unless they were trying to get him into a compromising situation for the media.

As for a girl who says, "I just want to be friends," yes, you have to believe that. But trust me, the relationship wouldn't have happened anyway.

It's true that lack of confidence has killed many a promising relationship. I've seen so many cases in which the guy drops the ball. There's a give and take to this whole mating dance, and if the girl has said, in effect, "Your move," and you don't move, she's going to take that as lack of interest. For example, if she says, "I'm thinking of going to that concert on Saturday night" and you don't say something like, "Why don't we go together?" or "Let's meet beforehand and get something to eat?" or, if you genuinely can't make it to the concert for whatever reason, "I have to work that night, but we can meet for Sunday brunch and you can tell me all about it?"

And whatever you do, don't hang around her with what I call the "whipped puppy look" as if to say "Nobody loves me." It makes you look desperate, and both men and women run in the other direction from desperation.

[RainDog]

37. attracted to $...

The women you describe are not universal, and they are, frankly, the kind of women I don't like.

to say that all women only care about money is a distortion.

for sure, most women are not rich enough to be able to support a man, so most women do not want a man they think will not or cannot support himself...which makes perfect sense considering who gestates human life and who, traditionally, has had lifelong care for children...while, this has also traditionally resulted in lower salaries for females because of their mixed worlds of childcare work and workplace work.

...added to the fact that traditionally, female-identified work has always been decriminated against as far as salary...and before anyone says this is because of the type of work, please read up on the history of secretaries.

back when secretaries were predominantly male, pay was also "male" -- as in good pay, a job with respect, etc. etc. When females became the majority of employees in that field, pay dropped.

So, rather than bash females for a system of economic fuck you that they have had to endure for ages, maybe, if guys want females to be more interested in your hard abs than your hard cash, you could work for equity pay.

then you, too, can be objectified based upon your physical appearance instead. :)

and even tho guys are only interested how nearly a female looks like Pamela Anderson (according to your generalization applied to males) some have been known to like females who are not silicone injected.

but, of course, females don't mind if a guy pays her compliments. I've noticed guys don't mind that either.

maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so. one time I was at a show at a club and the band had a contest for the best pick up lines...male for female and female for male. We had to write them down and let the band read them. The female (actually, it was Rosie Perez) would pick the best line for females, her band would pick the best line for males.

The poor guys all had to try to find ways to say something which could sound like they think someone is hot without sounding like a john.

I wrote "wanna fuck" and that won. surprise. not.

I was with a date, so it was all just in fun, but it also wasn't about how to have a boyfriend or girlfriend...just how to pick up a male or female.

[kayleybeth]

16. Go for it

Ask her out. The worst thing that can happen is that she'll say no. Then again, she may be just waiting for you to ask.

When I met my hubby, I was DYING for him to ask me out but he didn't ask for a long time and I was too afraid to ask HIM out myself. Thank goodness HE finally got the nerve to ask, or we may not have ended up together. When he finally did ask me out I jumped at the chance and the rest is history... We've been together almost 10 years now.

Go for it. If she says no, I know it will sting, but only temporarily and you will be no worse off than you are now. If she says yes, you never know where it might lead.

[Kamika]

19. O K. some advice

GET RID OF YOUR SHYNESS!!!

There is NOTHING we find as unattractive as that.

Guys that are shy are just totally unsexy and boring. And try to have some confidence, only thing worse then a shy guy is a guy with no confidence.

Alot of guys are scared they will make a fool out of themselves.. TRUST ME we are as nerous as you are..

Just go up to her and say you like her and ask her if she want's to dance just trust me on this. and comment on how pretty she is.. etc etc.. just dont be shy for the love of god.

And yes your friends are right, guys who act like they are part of "friends" don't have much of a chance in my book

[Sting]

27. ok ok...

I'll get some balls. That's all it amounts to anyways. Sorry to dump my problems on you all.

[Elidor]

21. Man, I could have written this post twenty years ago

It's sad that each new generation goes through the same useless traumas. I missed out on so many possible relationships with women who were attracted to me because neither they nor I knew how to get past my shyness. (I'm 38 now, and shyness is something I have happily left behind.)

Asking a woman to dance is not a proposition of marriage. Dance! Dancing need be no more complicated or meaningful than saying hello. She's there to dance, so dance!

I wish there was a quick way to get over shyness, but it's usually a long slow process. Or you could drive a cab for a year - that pretty much cured me. If I could write a letter to my self of twenty years ago, I guess I'd say "Shyness is crippling and if you don't get over it, you're going to miss out on a lot of happy times, and you'll suffer even more than you would from rejection."

The problem with shy people is that the simplest situations become overladen with significance and expectations. Just keep it simple, keep it casual, find ways to keep yourself calm and have a good time. (In my younger days, I made and memorized lists of possible topics for small-talk because I couldn't think of much to say in person. Hilarious, but it helped.)

As to someone's advice to get a hot car, phhhht! You have something all the guys with hot cars will never have. Why cheapen yourself for short-term, illusory happiness?

[Sting]

22. Interesting concept.....

I like that advice. But here's something I failed to mention: I have anxiety disorder. I think it's going to take me a little longer to get over my shyness than the average joe...

[Emboldened Chimp]

23. How about medication?

If your anxiety is severe, there are medications that can help.

[Kamika]

24. or just get drunk

Alot of guys find success in that :D

[Emboldened Chimp]

26. Works for me...

I have no problems talking to people when drunk; which can be a problem, because I end up talking too much...

[Sting]

25. taking them.

they help...sorta, I guess.

[Emboldened Chimp]

28. I had the same problem

I never took medication, but I did suffer from anxiety and shyness. I don't know what happened, but I eventually got over it, for the most part. It took a long time, so be prepared for that, but don't ever stop trying to fix the problem. That is the key with anything, women included: persistence and determination.

I think part of what helped was being in a really bad relationship that was started by the woman I was with. I wasn't interested in her at first, so she approached me. We ended up being together for over three years. And though there were many good times, there were more that were really bad. So for me, I think to myself: I don't ever want to get into that situation again. Which means that I have to go after women I want, not the other way around.

[Lady Freedom]

29. Do you want a honest oppinion?

For get the whole thing. Work and love don't mix! Just forget it!

[Emboldened Chimp]

30. Not true

I know lots of people, myself included, who have found love at work. Sorry, but that's bad advice, especially since it's a college workplace.

[Lady Freedom]

39. Even worse!!!

If you tick her off at some point and some day she's your boss...


Steer clear of any and all lovey-dove things! Get that paper and go strait for money! Thats the way to go perid! Love don't pay bills. Love don't get food. Love just hurts. Trust me! Sudy and work is the best thing for you!!!!

[gonefishing]

31. It's Real Simple

Find one!
Marry One!
Have Children!

If I can do it anyone can!

[RainDog]

32. IMP. POINT #1 --all women are not the same

I am a woman, and I know many women, and believe me, we are not all the same.

Maybe you could say women could be sort of grouped by likes and dislikes...like certain groups of men, but if you see women as one huge blob of groupthink you are operating from an incorrect assumption.

...so, find out who this person is that you like.

ask her out for a drink after work. that way you won't have to go back to work, like a lunch. converse with her...ask her what music she likes, tell her what you like.

ask her where she's from, what her family was like, what she likes to do for fun,

and tell her what you like to do, as well. --conversation, in other words.

something which may help is a little instruction in some basic "body language."

notice the way she acts when she talks to you. does she look you in the eye, or look over your shoulder? If she doesn't look at you, but looks down, maybe she's shy too.

If she looks around the room, maybe she's not interested in getting more personal than a workplace friendship.

Does she lean in toward you when you talk? If you are talking at a normal volume, I would take that as some interest in you.

If you think her body language indicates some interest in you, remember that some people are more naturally "warm" than others..more naturally a person to touch others when they talk, or say silly, flirty things because it's the "culture" in which they were raised, while others might be more standoffish because they were raised in a less touchy-feely way.

---I, for one, am a toucher and a silly talker and all that...except when I am attracted to someone and am unsure if that person would be attracted to me...in that case I would be more standoffish...the more so the less sure I am. On the other hand, if I think someone is not/ would not be attracted to me, or I'm not attracted to them, then I feel free to be as flirty silly as I like, if they have a personality which seems to respond to this sort of thing. But if a guy does show an interest in me, then I feel free to be silly, too, if I'm interested in him. But if I'm not, and he shows too much interest, then I'm standoffish.

...does that make sense?

I can't speak for all females as far as them having the same reaction, but I'm pretty sure that's not a universal way that females act.

...so back to the reading body language part. If you think she's comfortable with you and is encouraging you, then you can compliment her on things you like about her.

This will make her feel more confident about herself in your presence if she likes you, and therefore more likely to be more body-language friendly.

You just have to sort of work it out as you go. Get to know someone as a person, see how they react to different things, and then sort of apply that to figuring out how she's responding to you.

of course, I'm a female, so maybe as a male all of this sounds like gibberish.

For all of this, I'm talking about a social situation, not a work situation...though maybe some of it applies...and I'm talking about a one-on-one situation, and not a situation where other friends are there whose presence may change "body language."

Is this any help?

[Sting]

34. Yes!

This helps a lot! Any advice helps! Thanks! :hi:

[RainDog]

42. and a few more bits of advice

I agree...do not be friends first.

If you really like her and she likes you but you go for "only friends" she'll think you aren't attracted to her, and if you take away that intital "tension" it can fade before anything ever happens.

what kind of person is she like at work? Is she someone who seems to be sort of "like you?" -- as in, does she dress like she's a sorority girl or an anarchist or a art femme? --or something in between or something else?

that's another good first guess as to whether or not you and she would be more than workplace friends, simply because you may be coming from such different places.

Do you and she seem to catch each other's eyes a lot when you're in the same place? That's another way to gauge whether or not she's interested in you, whether she's shy or not.

females, like males, will look at someone they are interested in, when they can do so without getting "caught" --and even and more importantly when getting caught...that's a way to send a message.

As far as the anxiety...you can say off the top that you are a little shy sometimes...this is not necessarily something which females will reject you for.

however, you should not, when first getting to know her, talk about anxiety issues. for one thing, you don't want to put yourself in a position in which it's like you are her "patient" and she is your doctor or nurse.

do you ever do meditation for anxiety? I see you're taking meds, but meditation, and some positive imaging, like athletes do, can help.

it's that cognition thing...telling yourself good things about yourself...not in a Stuart Smalley way, but in a sort of pump you up to face your demons way by destroying them.

...in my girl mind, it's like Dorothy destroying the witch with a bucket of water.

or maybe it's David slaying Goliath, or the sans-culottes storming the bastille...whatever works for you.

Most of all...ENJOY YOURSELF.

You are in college. You are at the moment in your life when you have the most permission in the world to enjoy yourself, to find out about other people, other ways of being in the world.

It's a great adventure, and meant to be fun as well as work.

[RainDog]

33. weird. post was duped.

I am a woman, and I know many women, and believe me, we are not all the same.

Maybe you could say women could be sort of grouped by likes and dislikes...like certain groups of men, but if you see women as one huge blob of groupthink you are operating from an incorrect assumption.

...so, find out who this person is that you like.

ask her out for a drink after work. that way you won't have to go back to work, like a lunch. converse with her...ask her what music she likes, tell her what you like.

ask her where she's from, what her family was like, what she likes to do for fun,

and tell her what you like to do, as well. --conversation, in other words.

something which may help is a little instruction in some basic "body language."

notice the way she acts when she talks to you. does she look you in the eye, or look over your shoulder? If she doesn't look at you, but looks down, maybe she's shy too.

If she looks around the room, maybe she's not interested in getting more personal than a workplace friendship.

Does she lean in toward you when you talk? If you are talking at a normal volume, I would take that as some interest in you.

If you think her body language indicates some interest in you, remember that some people are more naturally "warm" than others..more naturally a person to touch others when they talk, or say silly, flirty things because it's the "culture" in which they were raised, while others might be more standoffish because they were raised in a less touchy-feely way.

---I, for one, am a toucher and a silly talker and all that...except when I am attracted to someone and am unsure if that person would be attracted to me...in that case I would be more standoffish...the more so the less sure I am. On the other hand, if I think someone is not/ would not be attracted to me, or I'm not attracted to them, then I feel free to be as flirty silly as I like, if they have a personality which seems to respond to this sort of thing. But if a guy does show an interest in me, then I feel free to be silly, too, if I'm interested in him. But if I'm not, and he shows too much interest, then I'm standoffish.

...does that make sense?

I can't speak for all females as far as them having the same reaction, but I'm pretty sure that's not a universal way that females act.

...so back to the reading body language part. If you think she's comfortable with you and is encouraging you, then you can compliment her on things you like about her.

This will make her feel more confident about herself in your presence if she likes you, and therefore more likely to be more body-language friendly.

You just have to sort of work it out as you go. Get to know someone as a person, see how they react to different things, and then sort of apply that to figuring out how she's responding to you.

of course, I'm a female, so maybe as a male all of this sounds like gibberish.

For all of this, I'm talking about a social situation, not a work situation...though maybe some of it applies...and I'm talking about a one-on-one situation, and not a situation where other friends are there whose presence may change "body language."

Is this any help?

[jokerman93]

38. My Brotha!

First stop trying to globalize! What do women want???

What's with that?

First, find out what you got to give, then look for a woman you're really attracted to who wants just that!

She's out there.

If you already know that part, and this woman you're refering to seems like the kind would value what you're all about, then get to know her as friends so she can see you in action. The rest will be pure fun.

Took me a LOOOOONG time to figure out that small part of the picture.

Good luck bro!

Love is Fine!!!!

[never cry wolf]

40. Don't be shy!!!

I know, easier said than done. I too was shy when younger and missed out on many potential prospects because of it. Similar to manco I ended up in a bad relationship simply because the woman showed the interest, so I did not have to fear the potential rejection. I am still paying for that grave mistake.

Keep in mind, when you look back on decisions you regret, invariably the vast majority are things you DIDN'T do. There's a wide world of women out there dying to meet sting, do them a favor and let them!!

By the way, I have recently re-met and old high school girlfriend whom I should have more aggressively pursued but was not confident enough. I have been studying up and have some info for you, I'll PM it to you.

[MissMillie]

41. How to treat a woman

Treat a woman the way you would treat any person that you care about. That's the first rule.

If you want her to think that she is special to you, learn about the things that she likes and if you can't make those things important to you, then atleast let her know that you recognize what is important to her.

And don't forget to show her what's important to you. Give her the opportunity to respond in kind.

Compliments are nice, but overdoing it makes you seem disingenuous (sp?).

Show her interest. If you want to go out w/ her, ask her out. If you had fun, don't wait to call her. I don't know who thought up the 3 day rule, but it's stupid--it's a game. Even if you can't ask her out again the next day, call her and tell her you had fun.

[Lady Freedom]

43. #29 Trust me on this one!!!!!!

n/t

[WindRavenX]

44. We act tough...

...but we really, really REALLY do care about what you think of us. Even if you don't realize it, we really are sensitive...