Questions about relationships.

[Wapsie B]

When considering someone for a relationship does worldly experience matter to you? Do you look for a person with more, equal or less sexual experience? Does it even matter as long as the chemistry's there? I think as long as there's a feeling of belonging with that person and that spark exists you've got a shot.

[_testify_]

1. Experience doesn't matter

Eagerness and the ability to learn do!

[riderinthestorm]

2. Every past experience made them who they are today.

Even sex.

Do you like the person they are today?

Then bless the past experience and move on with the relationship.

[Wapsie B]

10. Interesting thoughts.

I mean even if someone was extremely wild in the past that would certainly have its appeal. Not that she'd have to teach me. But that she'd be able to share her wisdom and experience with me.

[blondeatlast]

36. I LOVE common sense. Brilliant response! nt

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. The MOST important thing in any relationship is respect.......

And of course, that is a two-way street.....

Worldly experience, or sexual experience, would not matter to me.....

You do need chemistry....and respect!

Go for it, my dear bushwentawol!

:thumbsup: :hi:

[Wapsie B]

8. I will go for it Peggy!

Once that person comes into my life.

:hi: :thumbsup:

[eyesroll]

4. Barring extremes, no.

I don't really want to be "teaching" a virgin at 30.
I don't want Wilt Chamberlain. Especially with the bragging about the mathematical impossibility.

Beyond that...it's largely irrelevant.

[Wapsie B]

6. Yeah, good point.

[LostinVA]

30. Good point

[debbierlus]

5. It doesn't matter.

How much 'experience' on person has or doesn't have....

You want a relationship that will truly last.

Hook up with someone who is your best friend.

The fireworks dim after a while.

But, if you are true and deep FRIENDS, then you will have a real shot at long term happiness.

[Wapsie B]

7. My thoughts exactly.

But people say the fireworks can be rekindled too. Deep friendships would seem to be those who understand you and accept you and desire you in spite of your flaws.

[Magrittes Pipe]

9. I love someone for who that person is, not for what they did or were.

The past isn't dead. It isn't even past. - Faulkner
It's not that you just ignore what came before. It's always there. But all that matters is how it affects the present and the future. You mention sexual experience -- well, how many partners really MATTER? How many affect the present? Past spouses or long-term partners, those with whom someone shares children, those who were abusive? Sure, these can still affect someone. But it's easy to have a laundry list of sexual partners who meant nothing, one night stands that may as well not have happened insofar as they have any weight on the present situation. Don't let someone's sexual experience mean more to *you* than it does to the person in question.

What is past is prologue - Shakespeare
Just remember that it is a person's past that makes him or her the individual of today. If that person is worthy of love, it is *because* of something. What makes him special? What makes her strong? What makes her a great lover? What makes him someone you can count on? Our experiences define who we are and what we are capable of. That's how either innocence or experience can be a good thing, depending upon the person: if you like what you see, thank the past.

And so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceacelessly into the past. - Fitzgerald
In spite of all this, we're human beings, and we retreat to what we know. What do we know? History. You can't "escape" the past, whether you like what's in there or not. The present and future are what matters most, but the past is always there, and you're sometimes going to have to look it dead in the eye. The fact is, if you recognize the above points and *still* have a problem with someone's past, you need to run.

Hopefully, however, you can put the past in its proper drawer. It's going to be in your home, regardless, always. But it has an intended place, and should be kept there. Safe.

[Wapsie B]

11. That's a great answer!

I wish I could nominate a single post, 'cause that would be one.

[lizziegrace]

12. Also

Don't fall for what you hope they'll become someday. Potential isn't a reason to be with someone either.

:)

[Wapsie B]

17. Yes I can relate to that one all too well.

:)

[Oeditpus Rex]

13. Experience isn't important

Imagination is.

:evilgrin:

[THUNDER HANDS]

14. nothing matters

except if you're comfortable around eachother, you can laugh with eachother, and you make eachother horny.

[davsand]

15. You didn't just leave the monastery, I didn't just leave the cloister.

That is pretty much how it works unless you are in a very isolated pocket of deepest Antarctica. If they DON'T have experience in this day and age you might want to examine the reasons why...

Do they make you laugh? Do they respect you? Do you share values? THOSE are the things to look at unless it is a Jr High dance or unless you are the Prince of a country looking to marry a woman that will become the Queen.


Good luck!



Laura

[Wapsie B]

18. Who says I didn't?

;-)

[davsand]

19. You must be that one in a million, then!

Hon, I was a child of the late 70's. My perspective is probably a bit skewed so don't take me as representative of the real world. In the late 70's we had no STDs we knew of (other than Herpes) at that time that couldn't be cleaned up by either antibiotics or Qwell, and we sure didn't know about AIDS...


Pot was cheap, wine was cheap, and there was a lot of sex. Need I say more?



Laura

[Wapsie B]

22. I was a child of the mid 70's.

The pot and wine may have been cheap. There might've been a lot of sex for some but not me. I'm glad you had those experiences. It's just that I'd like to experience what I didn't back then. Just saying..........


edit: I know it's not good to look at life from the standpoint of what I don't or didn't have. But at the same time how does someone get past that?

[leftofthedial]

16. I used to have standards for relationships

I knew what I liked and set the bar very high

Now, I pretty much just look for someone who'll say "yes."

[MissMillie]

20. I think you got it right

connection, trust, and a feeling of belonging are more important than experience or a lack thereof.

[NewJeffCT]

21. Not really that important

Though, I have not really had many virgins... and the one virgin I knew going in made me a bit uncomfortable.

[Wapsie B]

24. I don't think I'd want a virgin for a LTR.

I'd want her to have experienced life first before me.

[NewJeffCT]

26. well, I had a bit of low self-esteem at the time

so, I was wondering "why me?" and also, felt the pressure of being the guy she would remember for the rest of her life as the first time.

[Wapsie B]

27. Yeah I know about the low self-esteem thing.

I was saying "why me?" as well, and giving me a feeling of saying to hell with it and settling. I didn't need to do that at all. But my warped sense of reality was screwing with my perception of life.

[Fleshdancer]

23. Chemistry and mutual respect

Worldly experience wouldn't matter but a desire for worldly experience is important to me. Sexual experience wouldn't matter but I would want a great sexual connection. At the end of the day, it all comes down to the individual.

Aside from the important rules (no abuse) I sometimes think people who put a lot of rules and conditions on future relationships do so in order to keep themselves from falling in love. It can be such a vulnerable position to be in.

[Wapsie B]

25. Yes, a great connection is mandatory

and a desire to share more worldly experience as well.

[Iniquitous Bunny]

28. Somewhere between equal or doesn't matter.

Eyesroll had a great point. I'm in my 30's, I know my body, and I know what I'm doing. Simple as that and I don't want to teach anyone what to do beyond communicating what I want at the time. However, if I'm in a committed relationship, I expect honesty and faithfulness, so I don't want someone Hell bent of bedding down tons of women.

Fortunately, my life in this respect is more than compatible with my guy, but I had my moments of dealings with doofuses. I had a little fling with someone a shortly before I met him that I swear was absolutely clueless on women's bodies. There is something I have learned over the years. It's that men who act like "studs" (for lack of a better word), usually are the worst. It's the quiet ones who don't brag about their prowess who know what their doing a hell of a lot more.

[LostinVA]

29. If you're talking sexually, from past experience I can say

It doesn't matter if one person has more (even a lot more) experience than the other. HOWEVER: make sure you ARE on the same page in this part of your life, because if not, it will cause so many problems later. People can say all they want about sex not being important, etc.... but it is. Specifically, not being compatible in this area can cause alot of hard feelings of rejections, etc.

So... make sure you both are compatible... like, one person is fine with having sex once every three months, whereas the other wants sex weekly, etc.

That's it -- chemistry is the only other thing that matters here... not experince... ''cause won't it be fun racking up experience points with each other???

[Crazy Dave]

31. It's the person and your future period.

Hell, I'm no saint myself. Ex drug dealer, so many sexual partners through my teen and adult life that I cannot even count or remeber all of them so how could I hold someone to a higher standard? It's a future with someone I like that is my priority, not their past. With the exception of violence, even some with past substance abuse problems can change and live productive lives but a violent personality can have a fatal "relapse".

[Deep13]

32. I think you are overthinking this. nm

[KatyMan]

35. I have a single friend (male)

who's 40 and asks similar questions and I always tell him "you're not buying a washing machine, there's not a checklist for this!" In his case, tho, I think it's the avoidance of commitment, he'll do anything to sabotage a long term relationship.
(Not saying this is the case in this thread, bushwentawol, it doesn't sound like that at all!)

[LaurenG]

33. I'd say if you can find someone that you can be

great friends with as well as lovers, experience doesn't matter. I married a younger man (who was a great friend as well) and thought that since I was older I'd have the goods on him. Well...that's not how it worked at all. I guess the less experienced person just knew what to do. Ahh well, anyway as far as worldly experience mattering, no is my anwser.

[NMDemDist2]

34. huh?

ahh no, it doesn't matter

[caty]

37. We are all a sum of our past experiences.

If you like and respect this person, then her past experiences must have benefited her in some way.