how tolerant are you about being lied to?

[bettyellen]

i'm not talking about those very rare little lies where you're better off not knowing- or when someones throwing you a suprise party, or asked about the size of their ass, or you have bad alzheimers and are experiencing fabulous delusions, stuff like that.

i'm talking about the most common kind when someone willfully misrepresents things, usually so they'll seem like less of a jerk.
i think it backfires with me, and makes them more of a jerk. especially if they are dumb about it and you easily bust them. of course if they are really devious about it, that's kinda scary. i've had to learn to be accepting of them in the workplace, but in my personal life, i'm not able to be so easygoing about it. i really sort of wish i was.

so, where do you draw the line? what lies, if any, are you comfortable telling or hearing?
and how big a lie (or how frequent) does it have to be to piss you off?

[progmom]

1. I have a really hard time with lies.

I'm a compulsive truth-teller...truthful to the point of being blunt way too often.

People who lie...and about the most ridiculous things, just really really irritate me. i used to work with someone who lied constantly to cover up the fact that he didn't know diddly about his job. It was beyond frustrating.

Sometimes the truth is painful, but I would so much rather deal with the truth than find out, down the road, that it was all a lie.

[arwalden]

2. I Dated A Compulsive Liar Once...

It was irritating as hell, but the sex was good... and since he was a "rebound boyfriend" and I knew it wouldn't last long anyway, I found a way to overlook it.

[bettyellen]

7. there you go, it's poor impulse control-

sex addicts are the biggest liars. and the easiest to forgive. for a while anyway.
;)

[bettyellen]

15. i 've been told i'm too blunt

i have a hard time of doing that southern style sugar coating thing.
it's a skill i could probably use, and i've tried, but so far, i suck at it.
:loveya:

[Xipe Totec]

40. Me Too!

By HR, no less. Quote: "You use facts as weapons, and that's a problem".

I love Harry Truman's reply when told: "Give'm Hell, Harry!"

He said: "I don't give them hell. I tell them the truth, and they THINK it's hell".

[bettyellen]

49. too much honesty in the workplace freaks people out

i really try to keep my head down and my mouth shut.
i'm just not very good at it.

[Xipe Totec]

50. I know.

One former manager once told me: "You are brilliant, but you are a fucking asshole. If it wasn't for the work you do, I would have fired you a long time ago".

The irony is, he gave me a raise instead, and I still quit.

Moral is: It is easier to find incompetent managers than competent programmers.

But I know what you're saying about keeping your head down and your mouth shut. I have to do that too, from time to time, and wait for the ruffled feathers to smooth out. Only then can they look at the situation with dispassion and realize I am telling the truth, no matter how hard it is to swallow.

INTJ (Introverted, iNtuitive, Thinking, Judging) personalities are rare, hard to understand, hard to tolerate, and absolutely indispensable to the long term health of an organization.

[In_The_Wind]

3. I'm not.

If I can't trust my friends and lovers they become acquaintances.

[bettyellen]

9. you've summed it up nicely, joan

i have to say, i agree.
:hi:

[In_The_Wind]

12. I find that life goes on without the drama that goes along with the lies.

Most people can't remember the little nuances of the tales they spin.

The thing that really pisses me off about being lied to is evidently the liar thinks they are smarter than I am. :shrug: Like I can't figure out the truth for myself.

[bettyellen]

18. it is really very disrespectful

there's always that feeling. how dumb do they think i am?

[In_The_Wind]

24. That's exactly the way I feel about it.

I don't even want to talk about it after the fact because it's unlikely I'll ever take their words at face value again.

It depresses the hell out of me when I've been lied to. I may not be happy about the truth but friends can work through most problem even if it becomes uncomfortable.

There is no way to undo the damage caused by a lie.

[bettyellen]

31. yep, it's so very hard to undo the damage

that it almost seems pointless to talk about it afterward. i know the feeling exactly, and it is sad.

[Missy Vixen]

4. Don't lie to me

>what lies, if any, are you comfortable telling or hearing?<

Ever.

I do my very best not to lie to others as well. It's not worth it.

Julie

[Magrittes Pipe]

5. I am highly intolerant.

Can't fucking stand it.

[bettyellen]

8. you're all being such hardasses, i love it

almost as much as i love saying
"none of your fucking business" INSTEAD of lying.

[Left Is Write]

6. Not very.

[bettyellen]

10. damn! i don't think i'm gonna get any liars or those who are cool with it

here on this thread.
i think i scared them away.
:)

[Left Is Write]

13. Being lied to ranks way, way up there on the list of things

that piss me off. Trust is a huge thing with me - if I can't trust a person, there's just nothing there.

I recently discovered my oldest daughter had lied to me about something pretty significant, and I'm having a very hard time mustering up any trust for her about anything. It's an ugly internal struggle, and I hate feeling this way about my own child.

[bettyellen]

20. learning to lie is a right of passage with kids and teens.

it's very tied in with the processes of differentiating yourself and then separating from, your parents.
it's one of the first signs that a kid understands that they are a totally separate, freestanding individual. for the first year or two they are really tied into their primary caregiver they think you know and experience what they do. and i guess when they are teenagers they think you'll never know or experience what they do.
so i guess when they're done growing up, they should get past it, but a psychologist friend told me a certain amount is totally normal.
sorry!

[Left Is Write]

23. She's almost 19 and the issue was big.

I don't consider it part of typical teenage truth-fudging, though I'm sure she indulged in her share of that too.

[bettyellen]

26. oh that sucks i'm sure

i think it's hard to be 100% upfront when you'restill dependent on someone else. and that's where the growing up part comes in.
hopefullty time will fix things.

[jpgray]

11. Extremely

I have a special place in my heart for those who are compulsive liars--particularly those who choose a role to play for the beauty of the gesture, and get so involved in that role that they genuinely feel whatever emotions would be involved in actual fact. It's kind of endearing to me, although it is objectively a horrible trait in a person.

[bettyellen]

16. angie baby, you're a special lady....

something about being locked in a bedroom with the radio, right? well, it's her own damn fault for being a liar!
:P

[jpgray]

17. Speaking of that--start closing your blinds, okay?

:eyes:

[ZombieNixon]

14. Not at all.

I can't stand being kept in the dark or not knowing the truth. I get really angry (like breaking things red-faced angry) when this happens. :grr:

[everythingsxen]

19. I hate lies and liars

there really is no line. lies are lies are lies.

Unfortunately I know way to many people who lie all too frequently.

[bettyellen]

21. i read some very scary stats on it a few month ago

and it's rampant, all right. that's why i asked. obviously a lot of people look the other way.

[jpgray]

22. Everybody I ever hear talk about it pretends to a zero tolerance policy

But for most, in practice liars are exactly the kind of zeroes they tolerate, so...? Lying about one's lying policy is offensive to me. :D

[bettyellen]

28. i think we all look the other way sometimes.

and then when you add the lies we tell ourselves. it just gets more and more shady, doesn't it?

[skygazer]

25. I'm not tolerant of any lies

I don't lie myself (and that's the truth!) and I don't tolerate being lied to. In my opinion, if you're misrepresenting something small, you're very likely misrepresenting something big.

Lying becomes a habit, like so many other things.

[pitohui]

44. it is cruel to refuse to lie, and it 's quite a passive-aggressive tactic

the truth can be a v. cruel weapon

the person who never lies does a lot of harm and creates a lot of hurt that didn't have to happen

a person of intelligence can make good judgments about when it is right to lie ("i like your new haircut") and when it is right to be brutally honest -- if the problem is something that can be quickly and easily fixed, go ahead, be truthful, and share the breath mints

but if it can't be helped, then for god's sake lie a little and pretend you don't nothing anything

people who never lie have nothing to feel superior about and prob. a lot to be ashamed of if they look at how their rigidity and inability to adapt to situations affects others

a lie is merely a tool, which should be used when needed to smooth the way, and then put down when it is going to get in the way

[skygazer]

46. Wow, talk about feeling superior!

You can not lie and still not be hurtful and cruel. If someone asks me if I like their haircut and I really don't, I can say, "Wow, it really changes your look a lot!" I'm not lying but I'm not telling them they look like shit. I am NOT cruel person, nor am I rigid or unadaptable - my! what a lot you read into my post!

You don't have to be brutally honest to avoid lying. You can leave things out, be non-committal, etc.

I assume your remark about a "person of intelligence" implies that I have none. You know nothing about me except what you just read from a small and fairly insignificant post from which you've made some really unfair judgements.

[bettyellen]

47. i know, somehow treating others like infants who can't handle the truth

is a really lame rationalization fro BSing people if you ask me. and quite condesending too.
and the poster knows they can leave things out, they certainly didn't answer my question about what lies bother them in either of their posts. maybe it was shock to see how so many people feel about lies as a relationship management "tool".

[skygazer]

48. Well, all I have to say to that is

:hug: :hi:

[ceile]

27. Drives me F*IN nuts!!

My landlord lies to me like I'm stupid. Like I don't know what I'm talking about-plumbing, minor repairs, bugs, etc. It's little lies like that that I find insulting and demeaning. :banghead:

[NV Whino]

29. I have zero tolerance for lies

The big step is not lie to ones self.

I had a friend (emphasis on "had") who lied about everything. Constantly. She lied about things that didn't need to be lied about. I mean things such as when a mutual friend asked: "Did you see such and such a movie?" "No." I knew she had because we saw it together. :shrug:

[gardenista]

30. Some of the lies I get to deal with a lot are

"I sent that to you last week"

"The check is in the mail"

"Yes, I can do that"

"Yes, I know how to do that" (A variation on the previous lie)

"Yes, that was done yesterday"

"Yes, we can start next week"

During the course of managing a project, I *expect* to get lied to on a relatively regular basis by one contractor or another. It becomes second nature to even some of the good ones, because they need to be expedient, and sometimes don't have control of circumstances, and just don't want to explain things. I can usually let it ride, unless the lie will have a measurably negative impact on the project, at which point I give them a chance to tell the truth without being embarrassed.

Am I too easygoing about it? Maybe. But since I let it stop bothering me so much, I sleep better at night.

I document, and if things get out of hand, I go in for the kill. But it's usually not necessary, and everyone gets to save face.

Everyone lies at one time or another. I find that the more honest I am with people, the more honest they are with me. Sometimes that honesty includes, "Wow, that's really hard for me to understand (believe)."

[bettyellen]

34. work lies are so much easier to tolerate....

i can't get pissed unless someones trying to stick it to me. other than that, it;s like, whatever.

it's people you love that are a whole other ball of wax.

[gardenista]

36. Yeah, I've gotta say, when someone I love lies to me, it's

a whole 'nuther ball o' wax.

I've gotten used to the narcissistic lies of some of my family members, though I don't categorize them with those I love and trust. I love them, just not in that vulnerable way. (any more)

I've been pretty lucky with those in my inner circle. But, people are human.

[DS1]

32. see your first line

other than that, bam, you'll never hear from me again

[bettyellen]

33. so i can lie about those three things?

so if i said your ass was hellasexy, what would you think?

on edit: yeah i misspelled ass, so what?

[DS1]

35. I'd call you a liar

and watch in amusement as countless others courted you.

[bettyellen]

37. well, i was amused thinking there was no good answer to the ass question

that you were trapped responding to my chinese finger puzzle of a post.
but you pulled a reversal and now i'm the amusing one. and maybe a liar to boot.
well done, and damned you to hell, martin.

[DS1]

38. I drive a sports car

and am decently endowed.

[bettyellen]

42. i'm thinking the antonym is

indecent.
because that's most amusing.

[Midlodemocrat]

39. Not tolerant at all, but I am probably among the best

spin meisters I know.

I never commiserate with a friend who is complaining about her kids, husband, etc., I always try to point out something positive about them, even if it is not the God's honest truth.

I have found as I get older, when people are complaining about someone they love, they really DON'T want you to agree; just listen.

[YankeyMCC]

41. When a lie is self-serving

That's the real measure. If someone lies because they think otherwise it'll hurt my feelings or something then although I may get mad initially (depending on what exactly the circumstances were) I'd likely forgive and forget eventually.

But if they're trying to CYA or deliberately misdirect me for their own profit or just out of malice it's very hard for me to forgive.

Maybe not impossible but hard.

[pitohui]

43. everyone lies to seem like less of a jerk

i don't even consider that a lie, all persons are entitled to "front" and have some tiny modicum of self-respect when they make a mistake

if you get upset because people fudge in real life so they don't look so bad to you, then i think you must be upset a lot

it's human nature, just allow for it

[bettyellen]

45. when is it no longer "fudging" but a lie?

people most often do lie so you won't think poorly of them.
and sometimes it's about inconsequential shit, like being late.
and sometimes they're making an effort to control you or stealing or fucking someone else.
again, when does it bother you?

[SOteric]

51. Like pretty much everything else I can think of; it depends.

And most of what it depends on is the motivation for the lie.

Let's be real, no one really likes being lied to, it tends to make one feel like a complete boob for the virtue of trust. And any breach of trust can be difficult to mend in a long term friendship, work relationship or love affair. But all that aside, some lies are easier to swallow and overcome issues with than others.

If someone lies to me out of insecurity, or to avoid some kinds of percieved repercussions I find it easier to forgive than someone who lies to me out of malice, greed, manipulation, or with intention to 'get away scott free.'

I can think of some instances where people I've been close to have lied to me and we overcame it and even deepened the level of trust. And others where what most might think of as a minor lie had such lasting negative consequences I've yet to forgive them. It's all in the person, the level of intimacy, the consequences, and most of all, the motivation