Something sad and tragic has happened, and I need some advice

[Up2Late]

My Sister-in-Law (I guess that's how I should refer to her, my Sister's new Husband's Sister) was due to give birth today, but my mother called me earlier today to tell me the tragic news.

This was to be her first baby, but when she went to see the doctor today, the couldn't find a heartbeat. Her baby has died "in utero."

I'm not so close to her and her husband, that I will see them right away, it might be the next family holiday get together when I see them next, unless they decide to have a memorial service. I've only know her since my Sister married her Brother less than two years ago.

This, to me, is the absolute worst way to lose a baby, so any advice would be helpful.

[uppityperson]

1. My sincere condolences and little advice

Just general expressions of condolences. That just sucks.

[NMDemDist2]

2. send a condolence card, and attend the memorial if they have one

which they may not.

but send a card, let them know you are thinking of them

[Berry Cool]

15. Extend your sympathies and let them take the lead.

They will give you a lot of clues as to how they are feeling and what you can do to help. It may help to offer some kind of concrete assistance: making phone calls, making food if they don't feel like cooking for a while, donating a a charity they choose, whatever. Just being a listening ear makes a difference.

There is a group called SHARE you might want to put them in touch with: http://www.nationalshareoffice.com/. It may be very helpful to know they are not alone. They may want to join a local group of others who have suffered this loss.

They may also want to take pictures of themselves with the baby. It may sound morbid to some, but to many it helps acknowledge the existence of the baby and provides one of the few concrete memories they will have of the child. Some sensitive photographers are beginning to specialize in this kind of work.

I think the key things to remember are:

1. Treat it always as a real death, of a real person. Do what you can to discourage any well-intentioned people who may try to tell them it was for the best or it was God's will or whatever.

2. Don't be too eager to push them through the mourning process or to look ahead to another child. They will do that when they are ready.

3. Let them decide how they want to remember this baby, and support them in what they choose to do.

Good luck to you, and blessings to them in their loss.

[annabanana]

3. Send your condolences through your Sister....

Offer to be of any help you can. (not that there's much to do but offer assistance). Anything else, you should look for clues from you Sister.

[kstewart33]

4. Something to think about

A note might be good to send her if you are comfortable writing it. I remember many years ago I sent a note of condolence to someone I hardly knew but she was so young, in her early twenties and she had lost her mother to brain cancer. She was touched very much by it. From that I learned that you don't have to know someone that well to say something that touches them at a very sad time.

[babylonsister]

5. I had this happen with a few people I know.

One pal had twin daughters, one who died after a few hours, one about a week later. Talk about sad! I didn't know her that well (not childhood friends or relatives), but I could show compassion. She had a son and has since had a daughter.
Just show you care and that's all you can do.
:hug:

[Kerrytravelers]

6. This happened to a friend from work.

If you live close, I suggest setting up a schedule to prepare meals for them. If you don't live close, perhaps you can contact the family that is nearby them and either send money to help or order dinners.

[greatauntoftriplets]

7. That happened to the daughter of a friend a while back.....

I sent them flowers. They were greatly appreciated. Wendy moved them with her from room to room.

It was a horrible time for them. Happily, they had a healthy baby girl this past January.

Sorry for your family's loss.

[cally]

8. I would send a condolence card

and bring express your sympathy when you see them next. Even if it's years before you see them, I sould still bring talk to them about it. Here's a :hug: for you. This is horrible.

[MissB]

9. A card would be the first step.

"So sorry for your loss" "Thinking of you" "Please don't hesitate to call if you need something - a shoulder to cry on, an ear to scream into, whatever"

Even though you aren't close, if you are physically close enough to provide a meal in the next few days that would be appropriate too. Depending on how they remove the baby, she may need some bed rest.

Some future advice: consider sending a card in one year, letting her know you're still thinking of her loss. To her, that baby was nearly in her arms and she won't soon forget her loss.

Whatever you do, avoid terms like "this is for the best" "this is God's way" or "You're young, you can have more children". I'm sure you're more sensitive than that, but I thought I'd point out what *not* to say.

[w8liftinglady]

10. don't"not bring it up"

one thing that people do is to pretend that nothing ever happened,or worse,avoid the person to prevent some awkward confrontation.put your hand on her shoulder,and tell her if she needs to talk,you are there.sometimes,someone who is not directly involved is the best sounding board.Thank you for caring enough to ask.

[Nostradammit]

11. All ways of losing a baby are the worst -

But you can acknowledge their loss and express your sadness and keep them in your thoughts.

When you do see them, try not to be uncomfortable around them and realize that it will take a long, long time for their grief to subside. Don't bring the subject up, but don't avoid it. Not recognizing their loss can accentuate it.

You might also see if there are any "assistance with grief" groups near them and pass the information along to someone who is closer and can pass it along when it's appropriate. Most large hospitals could steer you to one.

Hope that helps. My good wishes for them both.

[GreenPartyVoter]

12. I am so sorry *hugs* Just send them your condolances now and

give them a hug next time you see them.

[Redstone]

13. Advice? Sorry, I have none. Unless, maybe, that you should just hug her

and her husband when you see them.

That can say a lot.

Redstone

[elfin]

14. Just write

"I am so very very sorry."

With deepest sympathies --

No more - and NEVER say anything about God's will or other twaddle or say anything about future babies or that this one has become an angel etc. etc.

I lost a preganancy in the 7th month - a horrific experience after a long bout with infertility. The only sentiments which struck me as appropriate were those I wrote above.

When you see her - give a hug -- and NO questions.

[calimary]

17. This is good advice. All of these posts are. I'm so sorry about what

has happened.

Just your being there and offering your sympathy - and maybe an offer to cook or bring food over if they don't feel like cooking. Just letting them know they don't stand alone is of GREAT value.

And absolutely - NONE of that simpering twaddle about it being "for the best," or "God's will," or any of that shit. Just let them have their grief without analysis. And just be there for them. Shoulders and ears are often more appropriate than open mouths and wagging tongues.

[Nashyra]

20. Send her a note

and acknowledge their loss. If she wants to talk about the baby LISTEN. Yesterday was the 9th anniversary of my stillborn daughter, we named her and on every card my son who is 20 has given me since that time, he has also signed her name. Nash, short for Nashyra would have been 9. That baby they loss is a very real person. She is a part of the family, and I enjoy hearing her name.

[Up2Late]

33. Thank you.

First hand advice is exactly what I was looking for, and you advice seems very wise.

How are you feeling these days? Does the healing process happen in any predictable way?

You don't need to answer, there are just so many questions without any good answers.

Thank you again. :hug:

[nonconformist]

16. This happened to a friend of mine

One thing she told me, months after, was that it really bothered her when people were visibly uncomfortable around her but didn't say anything at all - or worse, said things like "everything happens for a reason", "it was God's will", "I understand what you are going through", and the worst of all: "better now than after it's born and you got to know it". She said that so many people, even family, were so nonchalant and dismissive of her pain because the child wasn't born yet. But her pain and grieving was very, very real.

I would send a card, and perhaps some flowers.

[banana republican]

18. I would like to say something profound but I am not that wise

I have lost parents, grand parents, a wife and more. I would like to offer words of comfort but alas, there is precious little comfort.

All that i can offer is this, from a fellow Duer; "We are not human beings on a spiritual journey, but rather we are Spiritual beings on a human journey."

Peace

[Up2Late]

29. That is extremely profound.

Thank you for your words.:pals:

[Metta]

19. Sad to hear about it.

In addition to what other people have said that feels right, I offer you something that I've been working with for awhile now that connects directly with those involved. If you send them your condolences in the form of gentle, violet flame passing from you to them, you acknowledge the sorrow and the loss that you all feel. The flame transforms those feelings into resolution and healing without any cognitive involvment from us. As a matter of fact, it works best as we just let it happen; when we make it happen, we actually distract it.

If you use this, I'd appreciate hearing about any results or thoughts about it that you may have. Feel free to drop me a private message. Or not.

[aquart]

21. Try having the baby live three and a half weeks...

If we're comparing worsts.

But this sucks. They will not remember who hugged them. They will remember the hugs.

Who's providing food? These are not people who are going to be able to cook or light stoves anytime soon. And do they know not to make any decisions...like a haircut...for months? And no major ones for a year?

[Up2Late]

28. Sorry, I didn't mean to make this a contest.

I'm very sorry about your hear about your loss.

My Mother still thinks about my little brother who died at 2 days. That was 39 years ago. :hug:

[Th1onein]

22. Having lost my son, when he was 21, some good advice:

Do NOT, under any circumstances, express your condolences in a manner that tends to negate the pain of having lost their child. For instance, telling the bereaved that:

Their child is "in a better place now."

Their child is at peace now.

Maybe it was for the best.

This might be all just part of God's plan.

You know how they feel (because you lost your grandmother, mother, father, dog, cat, etc.--you don't EVER know how someone else feels unless you stand in their shoes and you ARE them).

In other words, don't do anything to try to make them feel better about this loss. They won't feel better; it just makes the pain worse and makes them feel more alone. They hurt because they have been hurt; to expect them to do otherwise, or to expect your words to take away an iota of that hurt is simply stupid. The best thing that you can do is listen to them express their pain and make no comment at all, unless it's solicited by them.

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

34. Good advice. How did things with your sis work out, if you don't mind my

asking/threadjacking?

I looked for news about St. Luke's Episcopal but didn't see anything that looked like your situation.

[Th1onein]

41. The moderator won't let me post anymore about the topic

Which is really strange, I think. I can understand locking a thread because it has degenerated into a flame war. But forbidding a topic? That doesn't make sense to me. Does it to you?

There have been some interesting developments, which I would like to post to DU, and I have written to Skinner asking about the moderator locking my posts on this topic, but I haven't heard back from him yet, so I can't talk about it here.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

36. Really excellent advice.

All those things don't make it any less of a loss for them

[BikeWriter]

40. That's good advice. When your heart has been torn out...

it's rather difficult to see how there's anything good about it.

[Arugula Latte]

44. Right -- and a lot of people don't believe in an afterlife, so it is

condescending and presumptive to say something about "Heaven" or "better place."

I'm SO sorry about your son. :hug:

[tuvor]

23. I'd contact them.

Not quite your sister-in-law, but still family. You can't go wrong by letting them know that you care.

The same thing happened to my sister, and the stillborn baby was to be my goddaughter (she is anyway, as far as I'm concerned).

You don't have to "say" much, mainly because there's nothing to "say". Just make sure they know that you care, and that you're there.

My condolences.

[grannylib]

24. I am so sorry to hear that. Send a card, call to talk, and don't forget

to ask every once in a while as time goes on; she'll let you know if she doesn't want to talk about it (I hope). I know I find it comforting when people still ask me years later how I'm doing, and it makes me glad to know I am not the only one who remembers or thinks about it.

[bdamomma]

25. that is so sad

offer support to both of them, and a listening ear.

[targetpractice]

26. Happened to my Mom...

I lost a would-be brother this way, when I was 10 years old.

The the tragic situation was further complicated, because my father made sure the baby was cremated (or something) immediately. My mother was out of it, and she never saw the baby. I sincerely think my father was trying to protect my mom from a traumatic experience -- seemed reasonable to me in retrospect.

However, I did not realize until thirty years later that it is very important for a mother to see/hold her baby even if it was stillborn. I discovered this while watching an episode of E.R about two years ago. When I asked my Mom about the situation after seeing E.R., she told me that she never got over the fact that her baby was gone when she woke up after labor. She apparently never forgave my father, and she has dealt silently with her anger ever since. My parents divorced fifteen years ago, BTW.

My Mom recently became close friends with her doctor. When she heard about my Mom's loss of many years ago, she did a wonderful thing. She bought my Mom an engraved stone for her garden in memory of her lost son. My Mom told me that it was such a touching gesture that finally and thoroughly acknowledged her loss and gave her the closure that she sought for many years.

I wish I'd known better, but I was so young at the time. So, although it seems morbid... it's important for the family to see, hold, and grieve over the lost baby.

[Kailassa]

27. It's important she is given a chance to hold her baby

and grieve properly. You obviously understand that this is a real tragedy, so your support will be very helpful to her. Too many people think that the baby is not a real person, just because it has not been born yet. And so they don't acknowledge the parents' grief and expect them to just get over it. But it's certainly a real person to the mother.

Grief is not only about what you have actually lost. As a parent, even before your child is born, you envisage a whole future stretching ahead for your child. You don't even notice this until you lose a child, but when you do, it's the whole future life of this person you are suddenly deprived of, not just the present.

Expect some anger from her. Grief usually causes irrational anger at some stage, and this could even be a necessary phase to go through in recovering from a tragedy.

In Australia a stillborn baby used to be treated like rubbish, but now things have changed drastically, and the hospitals have women's auxiliaries, volunteers who knit tiny clothing and provide little coffins for the funerals of these babies. It might sound ghoulish to one who has not been through it, but it's actually an incredible comfort to the mother to have someone else show caring for her dead baby. The mothers are encouraged to hold the dead infant now and say goodbye, as that seems to help bring closure.

[flvegan]

30. Look within

Were it you, and thank goodness it isn't, what would you want and how would you want it delivered?

Take it all into consideration as if you were standing in her shoes. You'll make the right choices, I think.

[Shine]

31. Oh, how heartbreaking to lose a baby this late in the pregnancy.

my most heartfelt condolences to your whole family in this time of sorrow. I'm sorry to hear this sad news. :hug:

I can only imagine what your poor SIL must be going through. :(

By all means, attend the memorial if they have one and if you can swing it. They will need a lot of emotional and practical support in the days to come.

Good luck.

[bridgit]

32. tragic yes, the loss of a child after carrying full term is a great sorrow

:cry:

[UrbScotty]

35. Would a hug help?

:hug:

[fleabert]

37. it's kind of you to worry about her, and to look for the 'right' things

to do and/or say. It's hard to be supportive when all we want to say is 'I don't know what to say, i am so sorry.' - except that sometimes - that is the right thing to say.

this about.com guide is a friend of mine, and she knows what she's talking about.

http://pregnancy.about.com/cs/miscarriage/a/aa101799.htm

http://pregnancy.about.com/cs/pregnancyloss/a/remembering.htm

http://pregnancy.about.com/cs/miscarriage/a/aavoicesmisc.htm

hope these help. :hug:

[RevCheesehead]

38. A simple card, with a "thinking of you" message

goes very, very far for people in grief. And when you see her in person, a hug is enough... and a willingness to listen if she needs to talk about it. But listen, and do not comment, or offer suggestions on what "to do." Just be present.

[KitchenWitch]

39. That is very sad news indeed

Send them a sympathy card, for sure. A lot of times people on the outside of such a situation believe that because the child was not born, that there was not a loss. This type of loss may be more difficult to grieve than if the child had actually been born and died after a few days.

[miss_american_pie]

42. Send a card

If you are afraid you'll say something "wrong" a simple I'm sorry for your loss is enough.

They don't want people to forget, KWIM?

And on a practical side, if you can send food or restaurant gift cards she'd probably appreciate it. She probably won't want to eat, so anything that makes that easier will help.

[fight4my3sons]

43. I'm so sorry that this has happened to someone in your family.

Everyone has given such great advice. I agree that sending a note would be a good idea. When I had my miscarriages I appreciated the kind words from others. Like others have mentioned I hated the comments like, "God had a plan." " It was just not meant to be." "Don't worry it will happen." and things like that. Those comments infuriated me and my husband. I also hated when people acted like nothing had happened and life was just going on like normal when we felt like we had just had our hearts ripped out.

This is a site that I ordered remembrance bracelets from for my lost babies. It is run by a woman that I met on another group that I belong to that has also suffered pregnancy loss.

http://www.october15th.com/