I just lost my temper completely on my 14 yo daughter.

[Alleycat]

She went to her Dad's for the weekend over Easter. Apparently while down there my ex brought up something which happened when she was 8 years old. Some background: When she was 8 I found a heart which was broken and the initials of her father and his then girlfriend on one side and her initials and mine on the other. It was written in one of her school notebooks and I happen to come across it when I was reviewing her school work. At the time I talked to him about it and asked how she was acting with him and the girlfriend and if there was any tension. Since it is now 6 years later I didn't even re-call this.

anyway on the way home not more then 30 seconds into the trip she starts freaking out on me about reading her personal stuff and snooping etc. I was totally blindsided and asked her what she is talking about. Remember this was 6 years ago. She said her Dad told her all about it and apparently she did remember the incident.

So for two days now she barely speaks to me I over heard her talking on the phone in her room about how much she hates me etc. I have been trying to just let this blow over but I get home from work today walk into the house and say Hi! She doesn't even look at me and never answers. I start to straighten up finished with the kitchen and went to get changed. When I come back into the kitchen there are cabinets open, drawers open. Food on the counter. I started yelling about how she is treating me like crap and the only time she has spoken to me in the past three days is when she wanted something from the drugstore. I got the "Are you kidding me look and eye roll so I freaked and started to yell. I am tired of her acting this way and the mess just set me off especially after I had to clean up the mess her and her friends left yesterday when I got home from work.

I am mad at myself- for freaking out, I am mad at my ex for stirring the pot up, I am mad at my daughter for acting like a little bitch, I am mad that I am stuck being a single parent who has to work at a job I hate, and I'm mad that no one seems to respect me or what I have to do every day! I just want to pack the car and run away.


OK I think I'm finished!

[MissMillie]

1. yep, she sounds like she's 14

and I know EXACTLY what you're going through.

:hug:

[Alleycat]

3. When will she become human again?

Please let me know so I can be sedated until that future date.

[NMDemDist2]

59. when she hits about 20

sorry

:hug:

[Alleycat]

63. OMG

6 years? I will be completely gray with ulcers!!!

[Ariana Celeste]

71. I did at about... 18.

And then all of a sudden I was a big girl and needed my mommy :cry:

:).

[trof]

5. ditto...what she said.

It sounds trite, but this, too, shall pass.
Honest.
Mine's 35 with a 4 year old.
I love her dearly, and she was really a good kid, but she's getting a little payback now.
;-)

[Alleycat]

9. I need to scream really loud sometimes

I want the fast forward button!!!

[skygazer]

2. You sound like you could use a hug

:hug:

Fourteen is a tough age. And being a single parent is a hugely tough job.

What you saw 6 years ago was her pain and she probably feels uncomfortable that you did see it and that her dad knows about it. Lashing out at you gives her an outlet for that discomfort and for the pain that caused her to write what she did. Besides, she's at the age where it's so important to a kid to have a feeling of privacy, of having their own space.

If you haven't done so, when you've cooled down and she's not stomping around, it might be cool to try to calmly and rationally tell her that 1. you were not snooping when you saw what you did, 2. you only mentioned it to her dad because you were concerned about her and 3. that you respect her privacy and would not violate it purposely.

And for what it's worth, I respect what you're doing - I've been there and it's a damn tough job. :hug:

[Alleycat]

6. Thank you

for both the hug and the advice.

[JVS]

4. Send her to live with her Father if she's going to be like that

[Alleycat]

8. Believe me it has crossed my mind

But being that he lives three hours away it would involve quite a bit more then just a suitcase. And I really do love her and would miss her terribly. And I don't think he would agree cause it would crimp his style. Someone has to be the adult.

[JVS]

15. You could threaten to send her to Saint Macarius' school for naughty kids!

[Alleycat]

26. That reminds me of my Grandmother

except ours was St. Michaels

[RoyGBiv]

73. Do not do that ...

Seriously. I realize there's some level of venting frustration going on here, and that is all well and good, but doing that would hurt your relationship with your daughter in a very real way. Right now, this is all teenager crap. She's rebelling. You're the primary parent. Guess who she's rebelling against. At some point in your lives this will either be forgotten or thrown away as what it is, a typical problem between a teenage daughter and her mother. If you send her away, or even use it as a threat, it will be interpreted subconsciously at least as abandonment and will haunt you both for the decades. Note well that she has a very long memory. The memories of things that happen now will last even longer. Teenagers are filled with confusion and ill-defined rage, and they *need* to go off on someone. They generally pick parents, usually the parent to whom they are the closest in a day to day level, because parents are "safe." Your mom will always love you, no matter what, and they subconsciously feel safe taking out their frustrations on those parents. Is it fair? Probably not, but it's life and a part of parenting. Sending her off, anywhere for any reason, especially when you're in the middle of a fight, is absolutely the worst thing that could happen. It tells her that she can't trust you, that "your mom will always love you" is wrong at a time of life with that is needed very deeply.

I would suggest she probably has something else going on in her life at school or socially somewhere else that is, in part, fueling this. She's taking it out on you, which, again, isn't fair, but it's the way it is.

[gollygee]

7. If it wouldn't have been about that, it would have been

about something else.

I remember when I was 14. I was truly evil. I mean really really bad. I got better when around 17.

I'd guess she'll have reason to "hate" you every so often for a couple of years.

[Alleycat]

11. I know really

there is just something about the whole mother-daughter, love-hate thing. My friends with the sons have it much easier at the moment. Maybe their time is still to come.

[Shine]

10. Oh girl, I feel for ya.

:hug:

Motherhood is really hard sometimes, isn't it?

My oldest becomes a teenager this year and I'm already getting the attitude from him. :eyes:

[Alleycat]

16. I didn't really mind motherhood until

the teen age years hit. I really hate the teenage years and I'm only two years into them.

Thanks for the support! and good luck with yours

[Shine]

37. Well, you're pretty lucky, in my book, that it only hit in the last 2 yrs.

lol. I find parenthood to be THE hardest thing I have EVER done...at the same time it brings me the deepest joy.

It's an interesting paradox.

I'm really dreading The Teenage Years...:scared: I've got a boy AND a girl, so I guess I'll get the hormonal flux from both genders....Greaaat. :eyes:

[Alleycat]

47. She was so good up until then

always so loving and kind. That's why this monster I am dealing with is such a shock.

[Waya]

12. Typical 14-year old....been there....

...done that. Three times. It sucks, it bites, it hurts, drives you insane and makes ya wish, sometimes, that you'd never had kids - and if I had a dime for everytime I heard "I hate you'- I wouldn't be working anymore.
But....it'll get better.
When they hit about 18 - they seem to become more reasonable again.

Don't feel bad because you freaked out - it happens and most likely will happen again.

Chalk it up to 'just one of those days' and look forward to your revenge: she will have children one day - and they will be 14........

[Alleycat]

24. Revenge is sweet

I hope she has all girls, maybe even twins!

[Book Lover]

13. 6 years ago you were reviewing her homework

How personal could it have possibly been if it was a school notebook? Man, I'm glad I have a son.

[Alleycat]

18. Exactly!

Girls suck

[Rabrrrrrr]

14. Boys might mature later, but girls get the whole psycho hell bitch thing

in junior high.

Personally, I'll take the boys over the backstabbing, vicious, nasty and pure meanness of a junior high girl.

[Alleycat]

20. You forgot the ability to hold a grudge into infinity!

[Rabrrrrrr]

22. Yes, that, too! And to go from "world's best friend ever for eternity!"

to "ultimate infinite and eternal nemesis" status in less than two seconds, with no attempt ever at reconciliation, even if they'd been friends (or sisters) since kindergarten.

[Alleycat]

29. Isn't that the truth

Boys get into a fight, smack each other around, and it's over-finished-done

[xmas74]

45. You would say that!

Sorry, you've hit too close to home. This is a glimpse into a near future (eight years from now) that I'm not looking forward to.

When I was pregnant I was hoping for a boy because of the high school BS that some girls put out. I love my daughter more than life itself but damn! I am not looking forward to the future.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

17. Sounds like they're trying to cause trouble.

And this incident was 6 years ago? Oh, for God's sakes. Sit her down and explain to her that if she keeps treating you like that, she's going to have nothing left in her room except for her bed, she'll be grounded from everything, and when she starts treating you like a human again she'll start getting stuff back. I have no tolerance for disrespectful children, especially over stupid crap like that. I used to work in a detention center and can tell you horror stories. I even, out of reflex, smacked my friend's daughter in the mouth one day, not even thinking, when she was mouthing off to her mother. Luckily it was my best friends' daughter and she needed it. She said if she had been in reach, she would have done it, and thanked me. I hope it gets better. :hug: I know being a single parent is hard. I've watched close loved ones do it, and I honestly have no idea how they do it. Get tough. She'll thank you for it later.
Duckie

[ismnotwasm]

19. Hmmm

Well, I went through 3 girls and 1 boy, and my bullshit radar is up. Young girls can be, of course very emotional, and go through all kinds of changes with how they feel about their parents. I was a step-mother (she died during their teenage years, I'm just mom now) as well as a mother

But this over-reacting over "privacy" with a 14 year old smacks of emotional manipulation.

Not being the greatest mother-of-teenagers,(I, too, went smooth off sometimes) I have no advice, but I feel ya!

[Alleycat]

30. Yea I thinks she is just looking for anything to fight over

[LaurenG]

21. 14 year olds can be a handful

I remember times of not really liking the behavior of either of my kids at that age. Kids get angry and they take it out on the "safest" person in their lives. She feels safe enough to act out with you. I'm guessing that she is angry at you for divorcing/splitting with her dad as well. For some reason mom's always get the bs when it comes to that.

Try to remember that nothing lasts forever. I know how painful it is personally. I think you might want to try to open the way for communication again once you've calmed down. It happens to most of us and it isn't fun. I think you need a hug and a friend. I'm sorry for the pain, I really do understand.:hug:

[Alleycat]

35. Thank you

You right it is always worst after she gets back from his house. It's like she is angry at the fact that we are divorced but the funny thing is this was all his idea cause he just didn't want to be married. It's ironic how the person who tried to make it work gets all the blow back the one who caused all the problems sees the seet little angel! She never gets angry at him so I think your whole "safe" idea is a good one.

[Ava]

23. i'm sure the eye roll was followed by her crying

it's hormones. i went through i stage where I was either mad or sad all the time, and i didn't even really know why. everyone says "give them space" but that is bullshit. my mom would talk with me in a normal conversation about what was going on and it worked much better. maybe try that. :shrug:

[Ava]

28. btw, my mom was single mom too

she now happily remarried with 3 more little girls and a great husband who i am proud to call my stepdad. my dad wasn't as bad about trying to put a wedge between us, but his mother was. it didn't work and i worship the ground my mother walks on because she is the strongest, smartest, most compassionate and love person i know. my dad has moved on a started a new family which my older brother and I aren't a big part of, but i've moved on too with my mom.

[Alleycat]

36. Actually it was followed by

stomping off the her best friends house up the street. It nice to hear a younger persons opinion. When she gets home I'll give the normal conversation thing a try.

[Ava]

38. i hope i helped

it is a hard time to go through, and believe me, i put my mom through hell when i did it, but it ends and everything works out. 2 years ago i was arguing with my mom all the time. now she is my best friend and the first person i talk to when i need advice.

[peacefreak]

25. Oh my goodness!

Give this woman some hugs:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: I am sorry you're going through this. It is so hard to be a single parent of a 14 year old daughter. I've been there, done that, survived & thrived. I hope when things calm down you'll be able to talk to her about it with a little perspective on both of you parts.
When my daughter acted out, it hurt. But I tried to remind myself that I was her "safe" parent. She knew I would love her no matter what & be there for her.
Adolescence can be a stormy time under the best of situations. I always believed that my daughter was still "in there" but had to go through some painful times to grow up. She's 28 now. Full of intelligence, wit & compassion. I would be proud to be her friend if she weren't already my daughter. She is my favorite person in the whole world.
Take care of yourself. Draw a bath. Light a candle & have a glass of wine. It's time to nurture the nurturer. Love, peacefreak

[Alleycat]

39. Thanks

just getting it all out is having a calming effect on me. I know I am not the only one out here to go thru this and it is incredible encouraging to hear from those who have gone thru similar times.

[WI_DEM]

27. Sounds like daddy is trying to drive a wedge

Good luck, she's at an age when they can be irrational.

[Alleycat]

48. Irrational is an understatement

Hopefully this will pass quickly.

[rug]

31. Poke airholes in a box and seal her inside.

When she's 16, plug the airholes.

[Shakespeare]

40. !!!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

My stepdaughter just turned 17, and she's been on a psycho bender since she was 13. Her mother refuses to exert any discipline at all over the kid, and she (the ex) LOVES to trash her dad (my husband), which makes my stepdaughter nasty and resentful pretty much all the time. We're hoping she outgrows it....soon....

[rug]

49. "So wise, so young, they say do never live so long"

It is time now to read Richard III with an open mind.

[Rabrrrrrr]

50. Yes! The Skinner box is totally underused.

Totally.

:P

[Alleycat]

64. Maybe I should get one of those

[Left Is Write]

32. I so understand how you feel.

My daughter is almost 19 now, and though she loves her father very much, she's pretty wise to his ways. Years ago, she wasn't. I never said a bad word to her about him at all, but he felt no obligation to extend the same courtesy. He was very good at stirring the pot and filling her head with half-truths and outright lies.

I'm sorry...it really does get better. Give your ex enough rope, and he'll hang himself. :hug:

[mdmc]

33. oh... that sounds perfectly awful alleycat

peace and low stress

[Alleycat]

52. Thank you

[nini]

34. To be honest with you... you were justified

Parents are human too and with all that going on for that long she deserved a bit of you going back at her. She cannot think she can do that crap to you and it'll be ok when it blows over. She is not to treat you like that in the first place no matter what.


A bit of grounding or revoking of priveleges is in order. If you don't make your point now you'll want to run for the hills when she's 16.

good luck.

[Alleycat]

53. I know

I don't want her to feel any of this is right but I just hate when I lose control. I much rather clam down first before addressing these things. But as you said I am only human.

[hatredisnotavalue]

41. I find distance is the best answer

When my two teenagers don't want to be around me, then I don't want to be around them. I am incredibly close to both of them and if I may say it, a lot of fun to be around. If they go through a baggy time, I just leave them alone. Their catholic guilt kicks in and in a couple of days they cozy back up to me when they need a ride of something I need to buy. Just let it roll over you. The mood will pass.

[Alleycat]

54. Quickly I hope!

[wain]

42. Is something else bothering her?

And she used this as an opportunity to act out her feelings?

Never had a daughter or a sister. I wish I could give a one sentence solution.

And what's with the ex to dig out an isolated incident nearly half a life time ago for your daughter? I hope he's not using your daughter to get at you.

I do remember telling my oldest son at about your daughter's age that I've already instilled my values in him for a lifetime. He can't run away from who he is. Your daughter will have her moments growing up, but she cannot run away from the value system you have instilled in her.

Keep on being a strong mommy. That's the best you can do for her.
:hug: :hug:

[Alleycat]

55. I don't really think it is anything more then being 14

but once everything calms down I will sit down with her and have a rational talk with her.

[xmas74]

43. We can start a single parents club.

Mine is almost six and I know exactly how you are feeling.

If you ever need to blow off some steam send me a pm. I'll respond.

[Alleycat]

56. That is so sweet-Thanks you

It is nice to know that other people are in you situation.

[xmas74]

58. Been a single mother since my daughter was born.

It's an uphill battle some days, especially when she starts the crap about her dad.

[Alleycat]

62. Your right

A long long hill

[GoddessOfGuinness]

44. When my teenager would act like that

I'd remind myself that nobody could PAY me to be a teenager again.

If I were in your shoes right now, I'd take the following steps:
1) Apologize for losing your temper.
2) State in a non-emotional way that you want to talk with her and work things out when you have had a chance to recover from feeling hurt and angry by her treatment of you.
3) Ask her if _ o'clock is a good time for her.

Counseling helped me a lot with my oldest, who became physically violent with us. It might be good for you and your daughter too. Don't bring your ex into it...This is about you and your daughter.

I'm so sorry...Sometimes being a parent just sucks.
:hug::hug::hug:

[Alleycat]

57. Good advice

Thanks.

[Bucky]

46. Without saying something stupid like "it'll blow over", let me just say

(The following advice is offered, not imposed, and not nearly as authoritative as my writing voice sometimes sounds.)

My daughter is 16 on Monday. I've gotta tell you 13-14 is the WORST for teen girls. I'm raising her alone and things have been getting better and better since she hit 15. But we still have a few arguments. They are developing the ability to argue and draw boundaries at that age, so expect her to do so in a clumsy manner at first. With time and practice it'll get better, but not blow over.

I think you'll do okay to let things calm down (if not blow over) for a couple of days and then approach her about what she thinks appropriate boundries are for her personal writings. Let her know the facts then and let her know if you've done any looking since then (it sounds like you haven't). Ask her what her opinions are about the right, safe, respectful way for you to be involved in her social life. Let her know that there are kids who get into bad stuff at her age & younger and whose parents always say "I never knew it was this bad."

Of course this should all be done reassuringly and let her know about the things you do that show her you do trust her. And then it'll blow over. No, wait, it won't do that. But it's a good moment to reinforce a lot of the values you've taught her about respect, boundries, trust, and growing up.

My last peice of advice is don't be too hard on yourself. You were wounded by your ex's manipulation of your daughter at an age when they're needing to practice and feel their own newly earned semi-independence. You had a right to "over-react" or at least to get pissed about unacceptable behavior. Don't try and "get even" with him, but do let her know the facts and allow her to draw her own conclusions.

And good luck.

[Alleycat]

60. Great analysis

Honestly I am really not as bad as what she thinks I am but as you said at 14 everything becomes drama for girls.

I will give her some time and then take her for a long drive to talk. The car seems to have a hypnotic quality which allows her to open up!

Thanks for the wonderful advice and your thoughts

[Writer]

51. I'm so sorry this is happening... single momhood is tough...

Always remember that YOU are the PARENT. No parent should ever feel or appear victimized by their kid. Remember to take control of the situation... sit her down and set rules for this type of disagreement. Force her to talk. And do not let her think she has any power over you or your emotions.

[Alleycat]

61. Thanks for your advice an concern

[LoZoccolo]

65. I'm going to be the first one to say this is your fault.

And that you need to apologize. Privacy is extremely important to a fourteen year-old, and even if you felt justified out of concern for her, you need to make that humbly known to her rather than completely neglecting her feelings by trying to let it "blow over". Trying to let it "blow over" is 100% for your own relief, and 0% for hers.

and I'm mad that no one seems to respect me or what I have to do every day!

She doesn't respect you because you didn't respect her, and continue to not respect her.

And you call your daughter a little bitch? That's nice.

You alert this, and it'll be one more sign of your obliviousness to criticism, seeing as you made this post about you and your life first. Don't like people talking about your dirty laundry? Don't hang it up here and pester us with it and expect everyone to agree with you.

[Madrone]

67. WTF?

I don't see your take on this at all.

Believe me, I completely understand the privacy angle as I had NONE growing up (mom snooped through EVERYTHING) and as a result nothing can set me off more quickly even now than someone snooping through my stuff. That said ...

The "privacy invasion" at issue here occurred 6 years ago, when the teenager in question was 8 years old. It was with schoolwork the mother checked. It was an accident that she saw it - AND - 8 year olds do not get or need the same level of privacy someone older does. AND - it was important that the mother saw it as it showed an emotional struggle the child was dealing with at the time thereby allowing the parents an opportunity to help their child. It wasn't SNOOPING.


And what's up with your "you alert this and it'll just prove yada yada" comment? Come ON - the OP never gave any indication of the attitude you're attributing to her in any of her posts.

Or are you just devil's advocating "14 year old girl" for effect?

Sheesh.

[LoZoccolo]

72. This is what's up with that.

And what's up with your "you alert this and it'll just prove yada yada" comment? Come ON - the OP never gave any indication of the attitude you're attributing to her in any of her posts.

There was no indication of any sort of apology or explanation that she did it out of concern, and then she said her daughter was acting like a "little bitch" (you don't say things like that about your kids; that's completely unacceptable) and then pulling a single mom card as a license to neglect her daughter's feelings. These things show an action of deflecting criticism. The reason I recognize this is that my mom did it all the time...still does sometimes.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

69. I must agree that you violated her privacy.

As I said in my other message. :D

That doesn't warrant her behavior, necessarily, but I agree that you both need to apologize.

[MaggieSwanson]

66. Oh, Alleycat

:hug: :hug: :hug:

My daughter, my only child, is 17 now. What you are describing is a chapter from my own life, and I want to be sure you know that you are not alone.

I had Miss R when I was very young. Most of my peers are just now starting their families, so it was tough going when I thought no one else's daughter could ever be as hateful as mine. And yet I loved her achingly, amazingly - even when I could have ripped out every last hair of my head in frustration.

13, 14, 15 years old were the worst years for us. She barely spoke to me. And when she did, I wished she wouldn't. But at 16, things started to change. 17 is the nicest it's been since she was 5 (knock wood) and I am so glad of it.

Hang in there, Alleycat - I can see your love for Alleykitten in your post even through the anger. It'll work itself out.

Keep your chin up!

-Maggie

[WritingIsMyReligion]

68. Sounds like me.

As a 14-y-o, of course.

:D ;)

Honestly, I'd probably be pissed, too, if I found out--even years after the fact--that my mom had been snooping through my stuff. However, she IS acting out of line...But she just doesn't want to admit it, I'd say. No one does. Being 14 is weird. You really DO get pissed off at things for no apparent reason.

:shrug:

Sorry you're going through all this! :pals:

:hi:

[LostinVA]

70. I'm glad I have cats

I have a teenage niece and nephew. I love them, but after two days they start driving me nuts. The eyeroll thing drives me bonkers.