Mother rant

[GoddessOfGuinness]

Nothing I did ever passed my mother's inspection. And it seemingly still doesn't. Whatever decision I've made, she has to present every "what if..." she can conceive of before she finally lets go and accepts that I've made up my mind for better or worse. I'm 47...not exactly a kid.

Today, for example, I told her that I had to put another large dental bill on the credit card that we share, because the hygienist found that I've got periodontitis. We've had 2 other large bills in the last few months which she paid in full, in order to save us the finance charge. I told her at the time that it was very kind of her to do that, but we were prepared to pay about $400 per month and accept whatever finance charge they slapped on us. She insisted, however, that she'd rather we didn't have the burden; and said that as long as we paid her the $400 a month, it would be fine.

When I mentioned the most recent charge that was put on there, she seemed a little annoyed, and said that she was going to have to have a payment from us because her resources were low. I reiterated that it wasn't necessary for her to pay off the balance, and that we didn't expect her to; but once again, she insisted that this was best. I try to avoid charging things on this card, because: 1) I really hate credit cards and 2) I don't like the idea of my mother nosing into my money matters.

THEN she asked me, "When's the last time you had a physical?" "About a year and a half ago," I replied. "Well I think you'd better get yourself into the doctor," she said. I told her I really don't have the time or the finances to do that right now....and I don't...the dentist bills have stretched us to our limit and we're in the midst of paying off hefty taxes. She started pushing, "Don't be like your father..." which really irritated me. He died at age 59 of a heart attack, after smoking for over 40 years, not seeing the doctor, and living a sedentary lifestyle.

I restated that now was NOT a good time for me to have a check-up, and that it would just have to wait. And she responded with her trademark, "oooOOOOkay..." which really means "It's not ok, but I acknowledge that you're not going to take my sage advice even though I think you're stupid not to; and you can expect to hear more from me on this matter."

In another episode, on Sunday we were walking around Harpers Ferry, and she asked my 7 year old to read one of the historical markers, which he did perfectly, though not necessarily comprehending what he was reading. Anyway, she decided it was a good day to give him a history lecture, and started thrusting all sorts of facts at him, which he found pretty boring. I'm a firm believer in letting my kid find what interests him, then guiding him along a path that will help him discover as much as he's ready to know.

Mom, on the other hand, believes that kids should be presented with tons of info which they should absorb immediately, or there's something wrong with them. She's quite certain that the whole problem with the world today is that they didn't have the same sort of education she had back in the day. Latin, math drills, dunce caps, spankings...these are all part of what made her the brilliant, disciplined person she is and the world under age 50 isn't.

The maddening thing about these interactions with her, is that I'd swear I could hear her thoughts as she's lecturing, questioning, and commenting; and there's much more to her words than meets the ears. I know her hyper-critical nature well enough to know that when she's commenting on my financial matters, she's thinking that we aren't handling things well enough. And when she tries to push me into going to the doctor for a physical, she's thinking about my weight and diagnosing me with diabetes. And when she lectures my kid, it's because she doesn't approve of my homeschooling him, and doesn't feel I'm qualified to teach him.

I don't doubt that she loves me, or that all her worries aren't a byproduct of motherly concern; but Jeeeeezus, sometimes I feel like someone needs to tell her that we're all grown up now, and it's time to sever the umbilical cord.

I'm sure this seems too insignificant to rant about; and my apologies if you've slogged through this, and are now scratching your head wondering what I'm griping about. Maybe it's just my midlife crisis, and I need something to bitch about. I don't know... :beer:

[Shine]

1. Well, if it's any consolation, my mother drives me crazy, too.

I think it just comes with the territory. :crazy:

God knows OUR kids will someday think the same thing of US! heheheh. :D

Here, lemme join ya in that beer. :beer: :toast:

:hug: :loveya:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

2. At Christmastime, she gave us a beautiful

piece of porcelain that she'd bought in Dresden. I immediately put it in the etagere, where it wouldn't get broken. As I opened the door to put it in, she said, "Be careful!" As usual, I could hear the unspoken thoughts that went with her words..."That thing cost a fortune!"

I said, "Criminy, Mom! I was going to use it for a football! How old were you when Gramma stopped treating you like you were 4 years old?"

"Never!" was her reply. But I don't recall that at all. I was in college when my grandmother passed away. The only criticism I remember occurred after my mother checked into a mental hospital with a severe depression. My grandfather...not my grandmother...told me that "She'd be fine if she'd put her faith in Jesus Christ instead of that psychiatrist." :eyes:

If my grandmother was hypercritical of my mom, she was at least discreet about it. When my mom picks at me, I feel like she makes a point of doing so in front of my kids, which is, in my opinion, a serious faux pas...It makes my kids feel like they need to take sides.

Cheers, my friend! :toast:

[YellowRubberDuckie]

3. I feel your pain...

I'm still competing with my older sister, who has been dead since 2000. I'll never be as wonderful as she was, I'll never be as smart, as talented. It's frustrating. We rarely go see her, and when we do, we stay a max of 3 hours. After that she gets rude and critical, and I just want to smack her. I thank God I have a great Mother in Law.
Duckie

[elehhhhna]

4. Let's hear it for wonderMotherinlaws.

Thank god I have one too.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

7. Oh my god!

Did Dumbyass forget to examine his zipper in that sig pic?! :rofl:

[elehhhhna]

11. YES and it's not photoshopped. Look at Putin. lol

[GoddessOfGuinness]

13. Who's that standing to the right of Putin?

He looks like he's trying very hard to maintain the dignity of the moment... :rofl:

[elehhhhna]

16. Aznar of Spain? Ya got me.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

6. LOL! My mother-in-law was worse!

She adored my little sister, and would gush over how wonderful she was (she's very ebullient, and will talk your ears off); then she'd say something like, "...but I love my daughter-in-law!"

Years ago, I had a boyfriend who was petty and controlling, so I ended the relationship. But his parents were wonderful. If only I could have kept them as in-laws! :rofl:

The best thing about these people is that they can tach me what kind of parent and in-law I don't want to be.

[AirmensMom]

5. I'm sorry, Goddess.

My mom drives me nuts too. She always second-guesses everything I do. Our upcoming move has really put her into the give-me-advice-every-day mode. :eyes: I'm almost 50 years old, but I don't think she'll ever stop acting like I got passed over for a brain.

I'm starting to think it's universal, although I try VERY hard to treat my girls like the responsible adults they are. :loveya:

Rant when you need to and you'll have plenty of friends here willing to listen. :loveya: :hug: :grouphug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

9. Thanks, AirmensMom!

The fact that it seems to be universal makes me wonder if
1) I'm mistaken, and I'm the one with a problem.
and
2) It's inevitable...I will one day treat my sons and their significant others as if they were nincompoops.

:scared: I don't want to be that way with my kids! :scared:

Thanks for the hugs! :hug:

[AirmensMom]

14. Here's what I think:

1) You are not the one with the problem.

2) Being aware of the possibility will make you a better mother. You're more likely to check yourself before you do it. The trick is to remember how it makes you feel when it's done to you.

Here's some more ... :hug: :hug: :hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

17. Good advice...Thanks!

:-)
Say, HarleyDad mentioned that you play the cello. Do you still play?

[AirmensMom]

19. Not cello ... violin.

Haven't played for a while, though. Do you play?

[GoddessOfGuinness]

21. Yes, I'm a violinist too...

That's how I make a living...if you call this a living! :D

Seriously, I wouldn't do anything else. How long has it been since you played?

[AirmensMom]

22. Oh, boy ... let me think.

A long time. I picked it up a few years ago, thinking I would practice a lot. But it's hard to just play alone. Before that, I was going to join the local college orchestra and was actually practicing for an audition. But then I got sick and lost my opportunity. I was best when I was in college and never did anything with it. It's too bad because I have a nice instrument.

Do you play in an orchestra, ensemble ... what?

[GoddessOfGuinness]

23. I freelance

I'm concertmaster of a community group and a member of a regional (part time) orchestra in the DC area. I also sub with several other regional orchestras, perform with choral groups when they hire an orchestra, and play chamber music in recital and for weddings and parties. I teach, too.

It's never too late to pick it up again. The community orchestra I work for has members who hadn't played for decades, but decided to give it another whirl in their retirement years. And there are some who began as adults, and stuck with it enough to be able to play in the group. Nice bunch of people...

[Random_Australian]

8. nice rant! Have a hug....

:hug::hug::hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

10. Aw thanks, Random_Australian!

Have a beer hug! :hug::beer::hug:

[babylonsister]

12. You made me miss my mom, and she died in 1990. I only

wish she'd be here to get under my skin. Maybe that thought might help you be a bit more tolerant of your mom, though I appreciate that your mom is an expert at driving you crazy! Know-it-alls do get tiresome.
Have one on me! :beer:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

15. Maybe that's what triggers it...

The guilt about feeling put-upon that comes when they're no longer with us.

Certainly, I love her, and wouldn't want anything to happen to her.

I'm sorry that you lost your mom. :hug:

Once I get over being pissed at her, I usually laugh about how silly she really is. As much as she hates being considered "only human", she still is.

[babylonsister]

18. Thanks, Goddess. I must also say that

we didn't live close to each other, so when we were able to get together we both enjoyed it. If she had lived in the same town, I might not feel as nostalgic! :)

[Ariana Celeste]

20. Ouch

:hug:!! Sometimes I think I really take how great my mama is for granted. I'm gonna call her tonight.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

24. Oh I could have it much worse...

I've heard some mom rants on DU that make my hair stand on end.

But I'm glad to hear that you have things easier! :hug:

[Rowdyboy]

25. "Of course she knows how to push your buttons....she programmed them!"

Thats what my partner said to me a few years ago after observing how easily my mom could turn a normally easy-going guy into a asshole. No one else could manipulate me with such ease (I learned all I know about "guilting" from her and my great aunts).

I can so easily empathize with your situation but I also see the other side. My mom died in 1999. God, how much I would pay to hear her give me a hard time just one more time! Sorry to be maudlin, but in the heat of the moment, its important to remember the wider implications.

To be honest, I honestly believe that, overall, our generation (I'm 52) was much better prepared by our parents to face life than is the current generation. I don't have kids so I don't criticize anybodies parenting skills, but I've seen the level of success achieved by me and my siblings and compare it to my undisciplined, unfocused, uninterested nieces and nephews brought up using modern standards and I really fear for the future of my family.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

28. I agree with some of the things you're saying...

My mother's seemingly constant harping forces me to think things through so that I can defend my position with conviction. I know what you mean about the guilt element; and have to kick myself on occasion to keep from resorting to the tactic. In spite of that, of course, I'll miss my mom when her time comes.

As to success, however, I'm not convinced that anybody is particularly prepared for the crushing blows the corporate world has doled to people who once believed their pensions would support them in later years. The outsourcing layoffs, the corporate corruption scandals that have cost people their retirement, the suffocation of small businesses...all these things are bound to play a role in the lack of focus and interest on the part of many young people today.

At the same time, I know as many young people who are focused and disciplined as I do people my own age, so I'm not sure that age really has anything to do with it at all. Though I think it's possible that a significant number of us who did not live through the Great Depression have developed a sense of financial complacency.

"Facing life" today requires a flexibility that my mother and others like her too often resist. I could chalk it up to people being "old and set in their ways", yet there are young people who are equally unwilling to change when reality bursts the security of their bubble.

Thank you for your well-thought comments. I appreciate your input. :)

[Rowdyboy]

57. In the light of day, I regret some of my remarks....

I conveniently overlooked two of my nieces (one a CPA, the other an elementary teacher), and a nephew who's in community college. I think its really hard for a non-parent like me to truly comprehend what a parent goes through and, because of that, I usually have enough sense to withhold judgment. I've never "walked a mile in those shoes", nor do I have the guts to.

Rereading your original rant really made me reconsider my response. It does sound like your mom comes on terribly strong and pushes the boundaries in your relationship. Wish I had some useful advice on how to take control of the situation without alienating her, but, like I said originally, she "programmed your buttons". Its pretty hard to get a clear, clean win in a disagreement with your mom.

I've had to be very careful not to subconsciously use guilt in my relationship with my partner. I hated it when mom used it on me and it horrifies me when I catch myself trying to use the tactic. Its never been very effective with me, so why would I think its gonna work on anyone else?

Anyway, good luck with your mom. Sounds like your gonna need it! :)

[REP]

26. About The Bill...

Keep this in mind: if it's in both your names, it affects both your credit records. Even though you had a payment plan in mind, your mom may just feel better with no large outstanding balances against her credit record (which lowers FICO scores). Maybe it's time to get a card in your name only?

Sometimes my mom bugs the crap out of me, too but I remember that I don't have to do what she says anymore. If I feel like it, I can nod and say, "Sure Mom" knowning it means, "Blow it out your ass, old lady" though sometimes I just say, "Blow it out your ass, old lady!"

[GoddessOfGuinness]

29. I understand where she's coming from...

To be honest, the fact that it's in her name too has made me more diligent about keeping it paid. We haven't been as careful with other obligations. This is basically an emergency-only card; and sharing it with her keeps me using it as such, though she enjoys the frequent flier miles it racks up for her. :-)

At the same time, she's made it clear that she'd love to poke her nose into all of our financial matters. There are three of us; and when I talk with her about my siblings, she inevitably turns the conversation to their various money/employment issues. If my dad was still around, I'm certain he'd tell her to butt out.

[REP]

45. That's Where the "Sure, Mom" Comes In Handy!

I don't what it was - maybe getting to be the age she was when she had me - but I finally realized she didn't have the magic powers she claimed, and I could always, erm, not give full details about stuff I didn't feel like telling her! Whew, what a relief! Passed the "Sure, Mom" and go on about your business stuff on to my cousins ... they hadn't figured it out, and they're all older than I am. Mothers are attached to their children by a fine chain of guilt, er, gilt...!

[mykpart]

27. I'm 58, and my mother is the same way.

No matter what I accomplish, she always has a comment like, "if you just did (blank), it would be perfect. I'm in therapy learning how to deal with her. And getting ready to join an anger management class, where, I am told, "mothers are discussed a LOT!" I let my mother have as little information as possible about my life, so that she can't criticize it. I hope that you can get a credit card of your own so that she doesn't have to know every time you charge on it. My mom lived next door when my sons were growing up, but they have dealt with her better than I, so I'm hoping your son will be fine. Plus he has you. You will never change her - but you can change the way you allow her to affect you. :hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

30. Excellent point...

I think I'm coming to a point where I understand her criticism better; because that's how she treats herself...always picking at something. What bothers me is that she's taught me to be highly self-critical already; so I'm getting it from myself as well as her. Somebody should really give me a break! :D

[sandnsea]

31. Oh I can beat that

My daughter went to her husband's grandparents for Easter. They like to "dress" for holidays. My daughter did for Christmas, but just didn't feel up to it Sunday. So they went in nice jeans, expensive jeans. They're both very clean, neat young people, no tattoos or piercings or anything.

So, the grandmother hauls my daughter into the bedroom... on EASTER... and proceeds to have her try on her old dresses, so next time they can "dress". Do you believe that??? They've given her clothes before and my daughter just takes them straight to Salvy, they're from the 80's; this dress had shoulder pads for pete's sake. It's not like the kids don't buy nice clothes, they're just not dressy enough for these people. My daughter felt bad taking clothes just to give them away and decided to just say she didn't like the dress and didn't understand why it wasn't enough for them to take the time to come. HUGE FIGHT. My god. Incredible. They're always on them about something.

I think it's the Korean War generation, they never got the credit the WWII generation did and they've had a chip on their shoulders about it their entire lives. Almost every one I've known from that generation has been an asshole.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

33. Sounds ghastly...

The McCarthyism generation....Must control....

[sandnsea]

36. lol, never thought of that

McCarthy Generation. :rofl:

They are classic too, the Grandma is very sweet and submissive, the Grandpa runs down everybody and has to control everything. But still pretends to be that "put her on a pedastal" kind of guy. They don't mean to be nasty, they just think they're passing on morals and values and such. And get this, they're Democrats. :crazy: I just laughed and told her not to worry about it. She's going to order a bunch of clothing catalogs and have them sent to the grandmother so she'll get a clue about what century it is. My parents are gone and I do miss them, but I don't miss the crazy-making!!

I'm also sorry about the peridontal disease. I have it too, but I think I'm going to pass on the treatments. Too expensive. If I can make it to 60 with the teeth in my mouth, I'll just go with false teeth then and be done with it.

Better week next week!!

[GoddessOfGuinness]

39. "put her on a pedastal" kind of guy

That sounds so like my dad. And my mom was the submissive sort too until those rebellious 60s went and burst that bubble.

Mr GoG seems to be going the denture route too...
I went so far as to make an appointment for him once, but he refused to keep it.

Thanks for your kind words! :hug:

[medeak]

32. you're 47 and use mom's credit card?

Jeeshus chreesto...my kids in college do but good grief..would never take $ from aging parents

edited to say...perhaps if you assumed responsibilities on own your Mom would treat you more like an adult. sorry to be harsh...but can't efin believe your post.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

34. You don't understand...I make the payments on it.

This is a high-limit card that was intended for emergencies only, which is what I use it for. It was also intended to be used in case my mom needed us to make emergency purchases for her while she was out of town...(refrigerator breaks down, storm damage, etc) I only signed on for it with her a few years ago...having had low limit credit cards of our own that we choose to not use because we prefer to pay for things with the money we have.

Would appreciate it if you'd get the facts before condemning me.

[medeak]

35. sorry

but can't imagine sharing a credit card with a parent. Whether for emergency or not?

I send money to parents...and kids in college. Totally bizzare for me to think of.

edited to say... your mother is old. After a while we all grow up and don't react to comments. It's a right of maturing. Enjoy her and all her idiosycrancies. You will miss her when she's gone as above posts.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

37. Not such a big deal really...

A card witha $500 limit doesn't go very far when the dentist bill is $1200. I didn't ask my mom to pay the bill; she just wanted to save us the finance charge, which was very generous of her. We send her the payment that we would have sent the credit card company.

[sandnsea]

38. My dad begged us to loan us money

He charged us half the interest of what we would have to pay otherwise. He made more than he could have with a CD, we saved, worked out all the way around. Really, there are A LOT of families where the "aging parents" have more money than all the kids and grandkids combined.

[medeak]

40. I don't get this

sure..he got interest..but invest in 2nd deeds of trusts and get 14% interest. Surely he could have invested and done better.

Your Dad was giving you a gift...and as for having more money..it only takes one serious illness in this country to make anyone homeless.

[sandnsea]

42. He wasn't a risk taker

He never invested in anything but CD's. Wanted guarantees at his age. NO, he was not giving anybody a gift. He seriously made more interest by loaning the money to the kids and grandkids then in a CD. End of story.

YOUR family is not EVERY family in the US. Different people do things differently for a variety of reasons. Some even give their money away so as NOT to have to give it all to a hospital.

[medeak]

44. think I pissed off

everyone from Oregon tonight.

My Dad is 90 and blind.. mother is not far behind him. Don't think you are at that stage worrying about what to do for parents. That's where I am coming from. Sure..get the perfectionist comments all the time...but there comes a time when parents become your children.

You just say .. they are old and I love them. They did the best they could with the limitations they have.

Hopefully those here will understand my lack of patience complaining when parents help out and make comments... believe me.. it will turn around much more quickly than you realize.

giving money away before going to hospital? Can't even relate as know the difference in medical care.

edited to add...my husband has Parkinsons and face his trials as well...the last thing I worry about is comments from parents.

[sandnsea]

46. Already been through it

My mother had a heart transplant when she was 47. Already been through parental caretaking. She passed in 2000. My dad passed last year. Different families, different circumstances. I wouldn't dream of lumping mine on somebody else. I also know what a trial a domineering mother is. Maybe you don't. Looking back, caring for her various health needs was a cakewalk compared to listening to her constant criticisms.

Difference in medical care? I know seniors with the best health insurance available. They often face the same run-around as the poorest people I know. In my small town, everybody ends up at the same hospital and the same nursing home. And quite a few people make sure their homes and savings aren't going to be turned over to medical care in their old age. One of those little secrets Republicans don't want to admit to, they don't pay for expensive health care if they can get around it either.

[medeak]

47. am sorry for your loss

you never grow up until you lose a parent.

[sandnsea]

50. Thank you

I'll take that as some sort of intended kindness, but I grew up years before I lost my parents. 3 kids and 1 step-child is likely to do that to you. But thanks for your sympathies just the same.

[medeak]

51. 90 yr old dad

is my step dad..but like a real dad. My real Dad had dementia at age 49 and died 10 yrs later.

Am 51 with a lot of caretaking still in my future...and apologies for taking the lounge to such heavy conversation!

[sandnsea]

53. I understand your point

I have an uncle who is in his 80's. He still lives on his own, but I know his grandkids take turns with his caretaking. A cousin, older than me, just moved in with an aunt and it's hard to tell who is caretaking who. But they all have different circumstances and needs. That's why I don't judge these situations too much, it all seems to work out in the end.

Sorry about your dad. My step-mother had the heart transplant, but she was my mother since I was 3, so I know what you mean. Enjoy them while you can!

[u4ic]

41. I do sympathize

but for me, it's my father. My mom was pretty laid back, and would offer advice, but was able to recognize I grew up. (she died when I was 30, but she still understood it).

My father is the critical one, and we're talking everything and anything. In fact, most of my siblings want nothing to do with him; he constantly criticizes and lashes out at them (but keeps one grandson sacred; the kid is a fucking criminal, but that seems to have escaped him.)

Everything from "you should have parked 5" over on the driveway" when I come to visit, to commenting on the state of my place, to telling me exactly what I should do about everything (never mind he is stuck in his own small mind, of fears and compulsions...he does not research or educate himself on issues and topics. Geez, I didn't know Asians lived in 3rd world countries...:wtf:

He has always been controlling, and will never stop. Tell him that, and he won't talk to you, but eventually start to play stupid power/control games. Or try to, I should point out. I'm not interested.

Well, my rather diluted rant is over. :rofl:

Here's a hug for you, Goddess. :hug:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

43. Thanks, U4ic...

Sounds like your dad is way more controlling than my mom. She at least makes an effort to understand where we're coming from. Back atcha :hug:

[u4ic]

49. Thanks Goddess

:hug:

it's on a really, really odd day he'll try and understand.

Most of the time he's just wrapped up in his own little world, and rarely ventures outside of it. It's shown me what I DEFINITELY do not want to be at his age (early 80's) or any other, for that matter!

[Brigid]

48. Are you sure . . .

you aren't talking about my mother? Belive me, you are not alone. I am even the same age as you.

[Nicole]

52. Sorry for your troubles with your mom

I hope things turn around for the two of you.

I lost my mother when I was a child so I can't relate to any of your problems. I think my biggest fight with my mom was braids vs. pig tails.

Through the years I've listened to lots of friends rant about their moms. It's made me a better mother, I hope, knowing what NOT to do. So thanks, one more thing to add to my list of no-nos. :rofl:

[sandnsea]

54. Funny thing is

When you DON'T do those things, they complain too. By the time my last one came along, I didn't have as much over-protective stuff going on, let him figure things out on his more. So he always talks (jokes really) about not being raised at all!! Can't win for losing.

[Nicole]

55. That sounds about right

My daughter is an only child. She has already mentioned things I didn't do that she is going to do with her kids. I tell her she is lucky that she had me for a role model, good or bad. I didn't have one myself so I was winging it all the way. :)

[sandnsea]

56. My daughter says she'll be strict

Apparently I was flat stupid to let her play with my jewelry, make-up, shoes. What in the world was I thinking!!! :eyes: I was thinking I wanted you to be stop bugging me child, THAT'S what I was thinking. My niece is an only child, my sister says it was great until she started talking, then all downhill from there. That's the way it is with mothers and daughters I guess. :) We're both having a great time now that they're all grown up though.

[bumblebee1]

58. Sandnsea,

That same sister will then complain when your niece becomes a teenager and doesn't want to talk to her.