So, my dad called the cops on me because I wasn't calling him back...

[tjdee]

I wasn't going to post this because it's so ridiculous and very embarrassing, but I'd like opinions from men in his age group about what I should do next to avoid further animosity/problems. Or, just to reinforce my feeling that I shouldn't do anything and write this guy off.

Long story short, he's an alcoholic and I suspect is suffering from severe depression. Many years ago he was abusive and violent (not to us kids). He's not really a "father", although over the years us kids have tried to be civil at least, giving him our numbers, talking to him about things of no consequence, etc. There have been MANY times where we have not talked to him for a few months (or even years). We have NEVER talked regularly, even when he was living with us.

So he calls about six weeks ago. I didn't call him back because I was having a lot of mouth pain, was generally irritated with everyone, and wasn't calling anyone back (including my mother who I usually talk to a few times a day). About two weeks go by, he leaves voicemails that say he's giving away his car (not true) and old furniture (not true)--all to get me to call back. My sister (who lives with me) talked to him, told him not to take it personally.

Last week he started calling two, three times a day, at 4 in the morning, leaving yelling voicemails like "SOMEBODY BETTER FUCKING CALL ME BACK, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON THERE, DO I HAVE TO DRIVE THERE", etc. I get freaked out. Sunday my sister talked to him AGAIN, she thought she calmed him down. Monday, he called at 4 am I guess (I turned the ringer off) and he must have called the cops right after that.

A cop showed up, said "Your dad wanted us to make sure you were okay because he hasn't talked to you in a few weeks." :grr: :grr: Meanwhile, I have a small child in the house and I have to go to work.

As soon as the cop left, I called my father and said "This is tjdee and you know very well I'm fine. I don't appreciate--" and he hung up on me!

So I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't talk to him anymore? Who knows when scary psycho is coming out, and I have NEVER dealt with cops before--and my own father calls them on me?! But then I feel bad. He's got problems.

Opinions? Sorry so long. :eyes:

[ChoralScholar]

1. Wow.. the similarities are scary

My mother was an alcoholic also. I don't know what to tell you... he sounds very manipulative to me, and unhealthy for you.

[tjdee]

3. He had been fine for a while...

I don't know, it's like he just decided to freak out over this silly, silly thing.

To know that was just lurking there, just like in the past...not good.

[Texasgal]

2. Cut all ties

NOW!

His behavior should not be tolerated at any cost!

[tjdee]

4. But we don't want him to come here...

That's the thing I'm somewhat concerned about. I don't think he'll come here (he now lives over five hours away) but I also didn't think he'd call the cops on me, and on one voicemail he said something about coming here.

He hasn't called since yesterday, but he could just be regrouping or something? I mean, I don't want him to cause a scene with my daughter here.

But thanks for the reinforcement that I should cut him off...without feeling bad about it.

[Texasgal]

6. AWww... man, hard place to be in...

I understand, but maybe not tolerating him and not taking his calls will let him know that that type of behavior is unwanted?

Whatever the case... I feel for you, I hope it works out. :hug:

[tjdee]

11. That's what I'm going to try--except I tried that and he called the police

LOL!

But thanks for the hug. It's nice to have.

[haydukelives]

18. What she said

[mdmc]

5. please talk to your sis about this

it sounds like she has a vested interest in your situation. how is your pop grandad wise?

[tjdee]

9. Very inconsistent.

He's seen her once or twice (she's almost seven). Each time he had gifts for her...sent her birthday presents once (can't remember the day). When I'd talk to him he'd ask how she was, and said he missed her, etc.

I think, in his head, we are all really close--drives my sister nuts. Even before this, she'd say how angry she was that he showed no remorse for the past, acts like everything is normal, etc. And now she's done with him...she said she hopes he shows up here so she can call the cops on HIM.

[mdmc]

16. it sounds like a hard situation and i have little advice for you

however, i want you to know that i've always hard a bad relationship with my dad. Your story is ten times worse. You helped me realize that i need to be less of a prick to my old man (since he will never be able to be less of a prick to me).

My advice to you is this - never give up on your dad. This sounds like shitty advice, and i don't know how to go about putting it in to action. Perhaps you can start calling your dad, or have your sis call him, then talk to him.:shrug:

Anywho, peace and low stress...hope it all works out... we are cheering for you here at DU.

[skygazer]

7. That's manipulative and uncalled for

Your sister knows you're all right so he should know you're all right - he's essentially using the police force to do his personal shit. Very annoying (and probably so to the police as well).

If you've never really had much in the way of dealings with him, if he's never been much of a father to you, I don't see that you owe him anything. And he does owe you courtesy, which this episode didn't show much of.

I think I probably would sever ties or at least make boundaries very, very clear. Sorry, sounds like a crappy situation. :hug:

[tjdee]

13. Yeah--and then I *did* call him back and he hung up on me.

:eyes:

Thanks for the reply.

[Blue Diadem]

8. Cops get wellness check requests quite often,

I don't think they think anything about it. If I were you, I wouldn't be embarassed by that.

It does sound like your Dad was being manipulative. I have an alcoholic brother so I do understand your pain. :hug: Sometimes it does a world of good to just be out of touch with them for a while.(sometimes a long while) I haven't spoken to my brother in over a year now due to his verbal abuse on the phone.

[tjdee]

14. But then how do you know if they're getting better?

I'd be willing to talk to him if he was better...but I guess we thought he WAS better. You're probably right though, to just forget about him for a long while.

[Blue Diadem]

17. It's difficult. My brother was sober for a while

long enough for me to convince him to reconcile with his daughter and for him to meet his granddaughter for the first time(she was 5). He had verbally abused his daughter so much that she had severed ties before she had the baby.

Then about a year after they reconciled, he began to drink again and got worse with saying horrible things to me and calling at 3:00am. I would hang up but it affected me. So one day he called and was sober and I told him how awful he was when he's drunk and how it made me feel and how it must make his daughter feel when he speaks to her that way. I told him if he wants to talk it will be on my terms..because I can't trust him otherwise. I've thought about calling him..because I do love him but if he should be drunk..well..right now I'm just not ready for that so I don't call.

I guess what I'm saying is that it has to be up to you. You'll know when you're ready to speak to him. I've experienced this for years.. sometimes just looking at caller ID and not answering when it's him. Other times when I know I'm emotionally stronger I will answer..but it's my choice and not his.

[Dangerously Amused]

10. If you don't want him on your property,

...send him a letter, certified mail, return receipt requested, restricted service, and tell him that due to his recent aggressive behavior he is not welcome on your property without your prior WRITTEN approval. Keep two copies of the letter and a copy of the return receipt (postcard). That way if he shows up on your property, you can call the cops and they will have immediate probable cause to take him away before he can do too much verbal/physical damage. In the letter you might also wish to request that - due to his repeated angry calls at inappropriate hours - he cease calling/contacting your household without your prior written permission, and any further such acts will be considered harrassment. For which you can also call the police. You might wish to soften the letter by describing your concern for his physical and mental health, and adding that you hope he gets counseling for his issues so that the two of you can have a positive and mutually beneficial relationship some day.


Just my two cents.


Good luck.

[tjdee]

12. Great idea...if we had his address.

I really, really like that idea. His sister may have his address...he has officially freaked me out.

But then, it seems kind of final when I know he has these problems and he just wanted me to call him back. I feel kind of guilty. But that makes me feel bad because that's kind of .... victim behavior.

[Dangerously Amused]

15. IMO, you needn't feel guilty

...if you emphasize in the letter that you are opposed to his behavior, not to him personally, and explain why you find his behavior inappropriate/threatening/disruptive/frightening. Add that when he changes his behavior (yeah, I know, the odds of that happening are not good), you look forward to getting reacquainted.

[Jazz2006]

19. tjdee - you mentioned in the opening post that you wanted

opinions from people in your father's age group, but I don't think you've mentioned his age....

It may not change anything but how old is he? How long has he been an alcoholic that you are aware of? And how long has he suffered from depression that you are aware of?

(And, for the record, no matter what the answers to those queries are, I agree with others who have already posted above that you have nothing to feel guilty about. I'm just asking because his age, the length of his alcoholism and the length of his depression, what steps have been taken previously in addressing those issues, etc. might have some bearing on answering your other question about whether or not it's time to write him off entirely. It might be that it's in your best interests to leave him to his own devices and pretend he doesn't exist FOR NOW but perhaps not forever. It might be that you really should write him off forever - but that's pretty extreme. My guess, without knowing any more than I can glean from the limited info provided so far, is that it's somewhere in between all or nothing, though.)

It can be very, very difficult dealing with alcoholic relatives, no question, as OurVotesCount-Ohio points out so poignantly above, but it can be up to you, and not him, to choose when and if you wish to have contact.

And whatever decision you make today does not have to be forever.

[tjdee]

20. You're right...

Sorry, he's late forties/early fifties. I remember every time we have a DU thread on ages it seems there are lots of male posters in that age group.

As long as I've been old enough to remember he's been an alcoholic, or drank more than he should. He'll never admit to that, though. As for the depression, around the time my parents finally got divorced (over 10 years ago) I noticed that he had most of the symptoms, but I'm not sure if he's depressed because of the alcohol, or what.

There have been periods, some times as long as a year, where he's not drinking. But something always happens. This time it was losing his job of over 15 years. He took the severance package, and has been talking about getting another job...but has not applied for one. That's part of the reason he can leave me messages at 4 in the morning, he's not working and I guess he's up all night doing god knows what.

[Jazz2006]

21. In that case,

I think that at this point you ought not write him off forever. When my father was in his 40s and early 50s, I didn't like him much. He, too, was an alcoholic and just not pleasant to be around. But he got past that, and now, in his early 70s, he's a very different and wonderful person.

I realize that that doesn't help you any right NOW, but for future reference, I hope that it might.

In any case, I wish you all the very best.

Edit: and don't forget - in the meantime, nobody can make you feel guilty without your consent!

[Bassic]

22. Change your number and instruct your sibblings not to give it to him.

He sounds manipulative, like he just wants to get reactions out of you.

[Gold Metal Flake]

23. Family is optional.

Never let anyone guilt trip you into accepting abuse from any family member. Family members should be held to a HIGHER standard when it comes to issues of abuse. I expect to be treated like shit from a stranger who does not care about me. I will not accept it from family.

The guy is sick. If there is nothing he will do about it and insists on relieving himself of his own misery by wiping it off on you, bail. Cut him off. It's for the best for you and yours. Just remember to break the chain and don't pass the shit along. That, above all other things, is the responsibility of those from abusive families.

JMO.