Myspace question re: 11 year old posing as 17 year old

[coffeenap]

Hi--I have recently discovered a friend's daughter on myspace acting, and swearing, like a 17 year old. She is 11. I know a lot of her myspace stuff is fantasy and is wishful thinking, but I am concerned she is not ready for what may come her way. Thoughts, anyone?

[GoddessOfGuinness]

1. If it was my daughter, and you were my friend

I'd want to know about it.

[coffeenap]

3. I am leaning that way. since I would want to know too. thanks. nt

[uppityperson]

5. me too.

[Maddy McCall]

16. Same here.

:thumbsup:

I'd be pissed if my friend knew and kept it from me. Friendship-wrecking pissed.

[coffeenap]

19. Yeah, me too, when you get right down to it. But, does SHE feel

that way? That is my dilemma. Thanks!

[Maddy McCall]

23. Here's some info you should read, as you consider:

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/06015/638279.stm

snip/

Almost 40 percent of American high school students have posted personal information such as names, e-mail addresses, age and gender on the Web, according to iSafe student surveys, and 12 percent have had face-to-face meetings with people they have met online.

Internet security and law enforcement officials say the personal data publicly available on MySpace and similar networking sites, matched with innocent attitudes by youths, make the sites ripe for information-digging sexual predators.

In September, a 37-year-old man used MySpace to exchange messages with a 16-year-old girl from Port Washington, N.Y., police told Business Week magazine, and sexually assaulted her outside her after-school job. She had listed where she worked on her MySpace profile.

snip/

"It's scary because predators go through those profiles, too. They look at kids they want to target and they begin instant-messaging them, and they put them on their buddy lists so they know when they go online," said Mr. Gates, the former campaign manager for Allegheny County Chief Executive Jim Roddey.

"Predators are using the Internet to get what they want as well."

Ms. Buchanan said MySpace was a "significant concern" for law enforcement. For pedophiles, she said, "MySpace creates a smorgasbord."

"Pedophiles can access MySpace.com and look for exactly what the pedophile is looking for. They can identify children by their geographical location, by their age, by their size and their sex. It significantly endangers children," Ms. Buchanan said.

MySpace officials did not respond to interview requests.

[coffeenap]

Thanks-- this is EXACTLY why I wanted opinions. I know about this,

my daughter knows about this, and this girl must know about this. This is why I have become concerned. If it was a private conversation between friends, I wouldn't even think about it. But, with the info she has given already, it COULD be there are only a few dots to connect to get to her. ok, i think i am becoming convinced.:scared:

[Beaverhausen]

2. A lot of the kids do it but I had this thought

Pedophiles won't bother with 17 year olds like they would with 11 year olds, so maybe it isn't such a bad thing for the kids to add a few years onto their ages.

My boyfriend's 15 year old daughter claims on her Myspace page that she is 19.

[coffeenap]

4. Interesting point. She is an intellectually smart girl, maybe she

thought of that. Or, maybe she just wants to be 17 so people will take her seriously. (I remember those feelings, but not at 11. I know it comes earlier now.) Thanks.

[petronius]

20. However, there are probably vastly more sleazebags

trolling for 17-year-olds than there are pedophiles looking for 11-year-olds. So she's probably more likely to get undesirable contact as a 17 y.o., and once the contact is made the person may not be diverted when the age is revealed... That's my hypothesis, anyway.

As to the OP - definitely the parents should be informed.

[Ava]

6. i thinks it actually better than her posting her actual age and real info

at least now you know she isn't giving our real personal info :shrug:

[coffeenap]

7. Hi Ava. The problem is that the only thing she is lying about is her

age--everything else there is true--what small town she lives in, her photo is there, her birthday, all the other stuff. Does that change anything in your opinion? Thanks.

[Ava]

9. if she has her town on there then you DEFINATELY need to tell her mom

I'm 15 and I don't put that on my myspace account!

[coffeenap]

11. I know you are 15--that is why I asked your opinion. My son is 16

and (like you) very smart and active in the political world. He thinks it doesnt matter what you disclose as long as you aren't stupid enough to make contact with anyone. While what he says makes sense, of course, I am not sure an 11 year old has the wisdom to follow that course. Thanks for your insight.

[salin]

8. Let your friend know, and then let her decide what to do.

A parent can only act on information that is known. Your friend may or may not know. Call your friend's attention to her daughter's myspace website; leave what to do about it to your friend.

[coffeenap]

10. Thanks. I guess I am hesitating because the family's life is tough

right now in some ways and I don't want to add stress if what I am worried about is really not important or dangerous.

[salin]

12. This is potentially dangerous - but maybe not.

Depends upon how savvy the daugher is, but at 11 - I would guess not so savvy.

Play the prediction game -

if there is no harm happening - mom (friend) shrugs her shoulders but feels good that she is aware.
if there is no harm happening - mom (friend) gets frustrated at you for 'buttng in" and her getting anxious over something that appears to be nothing.

If there is a problem that develops - mom (friend) is aware begins monitoring and acts before something gets out of hand.

THe question - of whether to say something or not - and in doing so act alarmist or not - comes down to - were it you, in the exact same stressful situation - would you want to know and be able to monitor/act were you not aware? If so, then you have to weigh whether this possible outcome outweighs the possibility of denial and then the 'source of the information' becomes the source of stress (in short - that there might be a cost in the relationship.)

Hard situation. Good luck.

[coffeenap]

13. Thanks--lots of good thinking there. I appreciate your effort and

insight. I know that I would want to know--I think the more we understand about our kids the better parent and guide we can be for them. My gut tells me to tell her, but my mind is stalling. Many thanks.

[Beaverhausen]

14. Can you talk to the girl yourself?

Do you know if she and her mom have a good relationship? If not, maybe you, as a more objective "friend," could guide her to make the right choices.

[coffeenap]

17. The girl and I used to be close--she is a friend of my daughter's and

has spent many a night with us. I would consider talking to her myself except for two things; 1. I would kind of like to be the household she could come to if she needs to escape some day, which I could envision. 2. If I didn't include the mom, my friend, she might feel betrayed.

She and her mom have had a good relationship but her mom has seen her "changing" and feels helpless. Until the last few months, the mom and I would talk often and on that "real" level that allows honest discussion. I just don't know if she would want to hear this fact. (But, if it were me, I would want to, I do know that.)

Thank you for the suggestion--I might end up doing exactly that. I even considered sending her (the daughter) a message on her myspace account to tell her i know about it, but I am concerned she would then feel threatened, and I don't want that at all.

I appreciate your thoughtful response.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

15. Their life will get much tougher if their daughter gets in over her head

Does she look like she's 17 in her photo? I'm thinking it sounds like some sicko's dream...If she lies about her age, he's got a perfect courtroom alibi.

And while we love to think of age 11 as being wonderfully innocent, girls her age are becoming aware of their sexuality; and having a boyfriend is often something of a status symbol.

Do you think her mom might over-react to this? Maybe you could suggest that she take time to calm down and have a heart-to-heart with her daughter.

[Maddy McCall]

18. I want to add this. DO NOT talk to the daughter without the parent...

present.

This could anger the parent even more if you try to handle it on the sly.

The best thing to do is to give the info to the parent, and then let the parent and the child (yes, 11 is a CHILD) sort it out.

I would be furious if I had a friend who knew that my son was doing something like this and 1) that friend didn't tell me, or 2) that friend inserted herself into my parent role by talking to my child without me present.

[coffeenap]

24. Yep--see my response 17. If the girl came to me, I would talk to her

directly. But, she won't. She is past that now--at least she THINKS she is. If I do anything, I will tell the mom, my friend. I do get your point, and appreciate the strength of emotion behind it. Thank you.

[coffeenap]

22. Yes, she does, and quite cute too. I know 11 is not innocent any

more. She is already experimenting with the visuals of goth-ness and hanging out with her older brother's friends.This is why I needed input from you guys.

Her mom is really wonderful and kind and understanding. I posted here to get feedback about whether people feel it is something worth bringing a little more pain into a family already having a bit of a rough time. She won't overreact, well, not much, anyway. They both know we love them, so that will help when and if the time comes to tell her.

Many thanks.

[Maddy McCall]

25. If this family is having difficulties right now, the child may be more ...

vulnerable than usual.

For me, the choice would be this simple.

Do nothing, because I don't want to bring up something with the mother in a family that is already facing difficulties. If the child receives porn, offers for sexual meetings, or worse, I can live with it.

Do something, because it potentially can save this child in the long run. She has posted her personal info on the net, so anyone with a bent enough mind can find her if he wants. Parents can only protect their children if they know from what they need protection.

Sometimes when parents face crises, the children get a little short shrifted. Even when I've faced crises as a single parent, I have appreciated other people in my community showing concern for my child.

I don't understand. Exactly why are you hesitant to talk to this girl's mother?

[coffeenap]

27. My OP was to get input about whether or not others would consider

this to be a dangerous situation. My instinct was to go to her NOW and tell her, but since I don't have experience with 11 year olds expressing themselves via myspace, I wanted to find out if what she is doing is indeed something I need to tell her already-stressed mom. As I just posted back to you above, I am becoming convinced by everyone's input that my instinct is correct. Sometimes I barge into lives with good intentions only to find it wasn't the right thing to do. I needed opinions, and now I have received many of them--and I appreciate each one.

[salin]

26. If she is not likely to over-react

than it seems like you should tell her. Just giving her information to which she can chose to act on or not. High stress moment or not, as the Mother she ought to have the info to decide whether she does anything about it (ala monitoring) or not.

[coffeenap]

28. I think you are right. thanks. nt

[GoddessOfGuinness]

32. You're a wonderful friend for caring...

and taking the time to really think this through before acting...whatever your decision may be. :hug:

[jukes]

21. bust her

this is way too dangerous to let slide. tell her folks.

[coffeenap]

29. Thank you everyone! What great and thoughtful people you are!

I have to leave now to pick up my son at school, but will be keeping all of your words in my mind. Good night and many thanks.:grouphug:

[salin]

30. Good luck to you, coffeenap

:hug:

[Kathleen04]

31. I used to..

do things like that back when I was 11, granted there was no myspace back then..but via chatrooms, etc. I used to tell people that I was 19 y/o. In my eyes, that age made me less vulnerable, so that may just be what this girl is thinking, not that she's going for the wrong kind of attention, etc.

I did get into my share of internet mischief, mostly irritating people or leading guys on then giving them wrong information..fake phone numbers, meeting places I'd never go to. For me, it was a way of getting giggles, like the online version of prank calls. In retrospect, I'm lucky than none of it backfired though I was taught not to give out my real name or personal information. I can see how girls in more vulnerable emotional positions could get sucked into being involved with predators and how they'd be easily targeted through profile sites.

Her daughter needs to be aware of the dangers of the internet and if her mom hasn't had that discussion with her (and it sounds like she hasn't, because her specific town and real name are on her site) then she needs to.

Maybe you could bridge the conversation with concern for your own children's safety on the internet and her opinion as a parent instead of launching straight into "did you know that your daughter is..."

[Whoa_Nelly]

33. So...you were planning on telling your friend...when?

This isn't about an invasion of privacy or worrying if you're going to overstep some boundary with your friend.

It's not about either of you.

It's about a child.

What you've stated about what she's doing indicates clearly a child who is in a vulnerable position to fall into a bad decision.

Any 11-year old child who states they are seventeen is experimenting with coming across as jail bait. A dangerous turn that should not be a secret.

Hope things go well when you talk with your friend. And yes, Maddy is right; Have the daughter there when you talk with your friend. She's a kid placing herself in danger. :hug: