I'm getting divorced. Life sucks.

[Blue_Roses]

My spouse of 9 years said tonight (in his drunken stopper) that he wants a divorce. :cry:

It's something I've seen coming for awhile with his drinking and crap, (I've threatened it several times) but to hear him say it means it is really over. It was over for me a long time ago but he kept hanging on and we kept trying to make it work, but we've outgrown one another.

:cry: I should be relieved, but I'm so damn sad.

I'm sure my fundie sister will try to get us into "Chrisitan counseling" :banghead:

[Haole Girl]

1. Ouch...What did YOU say? n/t

[Blue_Roses]

2. I cried.

I didn't know I still had feelings for him.

[Inspired]

44. Of course you have feelings for him!

But don't confuse your sadness, your feelings, with feelings of real love. I'm going through something similar myself right now. Divorce is hard, it is messy, it is depressing. If you cry it doesn't mean you still want HIM. You are grieving the loss of a dream, not a man. IMO!!

[Haole Girl]

3. I'm sorry you're sad

change is always hard, even if it was expected by you both. Any kids?

[Blue_Roses]

4. Yes, two kids.

I think that is the saddest part of all.

[leftofthedial]

17. I'm sorry for you. I know it hurts.

do what's best for the kids.

[Robeson]

5. Nothing I can say. Just best wishes....

...:hug:

[Blue_Roses]

7. thank-you for your support

:hug:

[Floogeldy]

6. We are with you.

Many of us have been there. It ripped me apart. You are not alone.

Don't give up hope. You will be happy again, I guarantee it.

Stay in touch.

[Blue_Roses]

9. It hurts like hell

I thought that I hated him. I thought that if he ever agreed to a divorce it would be easy, but it hurts like hell. I feel rejected and sad for my kids.
I didn't think it would be like this.

[Nicole]

8. I'm sorry you're sad

Even when it's expected it's still sad. I hope you have better days ahead of you soon.

[Blue_Roses]

10. thank-you

:)

[Whoa_Nelly]

11. Personally know how hard this is...

Was married to an alcoholic at one time...learned so much about myself...and about alcoholism...

Sorry there are kids involved... :hug:

PM anytime you want to chat

xo'
Nelly

[u4ic]

12. Blue Roses, I can certainly relate

My ex (common law) and I tried to make it work for about 4 years past it's shelf date. About a year before we split up, I started disconnecting...yet when we finally arrived at a decision (spurred on by me, in fact), it was still difficult to deal with.

I felt like my life had been ripped away from me. Yet I knew that, for both our sakes, I had to...he wouldn't be the one to initiate it.

One step at a time; One foot in front of the other, are the only way I survived it.

Rant, cry, hit pillows, write journals, meditate/yoga - post on DU (there is a coping with divorce/separation group)....do whatever you need to do to cope with these feelings.

You have my heartfelt sympathies. We're here to listen, and support you. Best wishes.

Take care, dear Blue Roses. :hug:

[Blue_Roses]

13. thank-you so much

you pretty much nailed how I feel. With tears streaming down my face right now, I'm desperately searching for some kind of understanding. :cry:

[BikeWriter]

14. Divorces suck for everyone. Good luck!

:(

[deadparrot]

15. .

Best of luck with everything, Blue_Roses.

:hug:

[bridgit]

16. it is only an intractable sorrow my sweet, this too will pass with time...

:hug:

[CanuckAmok]

18. Sorry, BR.

I've been there, except my ex had a different kind of addiction, and she ran off with a like-minded married man.

It's an awful, awful process, divorce.

Focus on helping your kids with the transition, and you'll find you'll adapt much easier. Right now, your kids are going to need your support, patience and understanding. And hopefully your husband will do his best for them, as well.

There's no shame in seeing a counselor, either. One grieves a marriage the same way one grieves the death of a spouse; the same thought processes occur. Having a pro help you cope is a good thing. I don't think... wait, I know I wouldn't have survived without my psychologist's support. I would have killed myself, and I'm not kidding.

Even if you can't afford or don't want to see a counsellor, there are some good books out there on ending relationships, and there's probably a divorce support group in your community; try asking at a womens' shelter, the Salvation Army, or the United Way and I'm sure they can point you in the right direction.

For yourself: you're going to have a bout of depression, and your eating/sleeping habits will probably be disrupted. Get on an exercise program if you're not on one now (even a half-hour walk every day is good), and take vitamins, particulary vitamins B, C and zinc. Also take Omega 3, grapeseed oil, fresh fruit and veggies, and ask your doctor about taking inositol, which is a non-prescription pseudo-vitamin that's amazing for panic attacks, bipolar depression, and for breaking down fats and reducing cholesterol. Get yourself some short-stories, and other light reading. Try to go to bed/wake up at approximately the same times every day, even days you don't have to get up early. You'll probably want to sleep a lot. Don't. Avoid naps. Whenever you feel like a nap, go for a walk or have active play with your kids instead.

Good luck to you.

[Blue_Roses]

21. thanks

and yes, I already feel this need to sleep for days. I'm so sad. I know this has been coming for awhile, but damn, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I just feel numb right now...

[liberaltrucker]

19. Look at it this way....

Free at last, thank God Almighty, I'm free at last.

That was my feeling at the time.
It hurts like hell, no matter who
was a fault. But time heals all wounds
(or wounds all heels).

Screw your fundie sister, get on with your
life. Godspeed and good luck.

[Haole Girl]

20. You ok? Sending you these to try to help you feel better:

[Blue_Roses]

22. thank-you so much

:)

[Haole Girl]

23. Try to get some sleep

I know that sounds like silly advice, but I know it will help you.

Take care and good night! :grouphug:

[Heidi]

24. I'm sending you light, Blue_Roses.

It sounds like you're going through the perfectly natural stages of grieving. Now is the time to take extra good care of your mind, spirit and body. I'm sending you light. :hug: :grouphug:

[Blue_Roses]

25. thank-you Heidi

:hug: It's like this board has become my solice the last few years. I know that it's out in "cyber space" but I feel connected to many here.

Words are so hard to explain the emotions I feel right now. My contacts are so damn foggy from crying. It's gonna take some time to process this.

[Random_Australian]

26. Ow! The best I can offer you is this:

:hug:

[entanglement]

27. Very sorry to hear that

:hug:

[Swamp Rat]

28. .

:hug:

[maddezmom]

29. sorry to hear this

:hug:

[ps1074]

30. Sorry to hear that

:hug:

[LaurenG]

31. That is a hard thing to endure, I am so sorry for your pain

Please find a way to be very nice to yourself, many of us know what you are going through.:hug:

[rucky]

32. Now you can start living on YOUR terms.

because it sounds like you haven't been.

I think you'll be just fine.

[eyesroll]

33. In my own case, the worst ended when we decided it was over.

I'm not going to go into details, as my ex is also a DUer (hi hedges :hi:), but our marriage went on for a few years after it really should have ended, and for a few months before it ended, I was dealing with anxiety, depression, the whole nine yards. We spent two weeks or so in the last round of "divorce talks," and I probably lost 10 pounds in that time (and there's not much of me to lose).

The day after we made it "official" (in our case, both saying out loud that we were going to go through with divorce) I felt better than I had for a long time -- sure, I was very sad, too, but the anxiety almost immediately stopped, and the depression abated too. Especially once I started looking for an apartment, and actually DOING something. Keeping all that crap secret, too, was a drain (I didn't want to talk over my marital problems with too many people, because I didn't want them to think less of me or my ex if we did stay together).

That's not to say it'll work that way for you -- and if it doesn't, there is no shame in getting help.

The good news on my part? My ex and I are better friends now than had been for years. My SO's daughter and his stepdaughter are best friends -- we spent yesterday afternoon at his house, for his stepdaughter's birthday party. What made this possible is that we both made a pact, very early in the process, that we were going to handle this like grown-ups, and not fight over stupid crap, because in the long run, it doesn't matter who gets the fridge magnets. That may be harder to do if you have different ideas about custody or support, but the more you treat a divorce like a business transaction, rather than an opportunity to hurt your ex, the smoother it will be.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Best of luck. :hug:

[NewJeffCT]

36. This happened to me, too

We were married for about a year when she filed for divorce, but due to some problems that occurred right after we got married, that was like a year from hell. However, soon after that, things got a lot better. My brain was in a fog for that whole year, my work suffered, I was really depressed.

However, as soon as she filed for divorce, it was like I had a new lease on life. Though, it was still difficult to tell my family.

[Midlodemocrat]

38. You two are the epitome of class in dealing with divorce.

Everyone who divorces could learn a lot from you guys.

[Deja Q]

34. Look at it this way

You had somebody for a while. You think it's terrible now; but think of those who never had... because nobody liked 'em.



Edited: Spelling & typo

[ScreamingMeemie]

35. I'm so sorry Blue...

I can see why you would be sad and that is okay. 9 years is a long time and, his problems aside, it is going to hurt. :hug:

[mduffy31]

37. I'm sorry doll

My wife walked out on me, and it doesn't look like that we are going to reconcile either. I want not to get divorced so bad, but it is out of my hands now. I just have to hope that we will go thru this trial separation and be able to find each other. I know since she left I haven't wanted to leave my couch or my house. I hope that you are able to get some resolution to this.

[miss_american_pie]

39. I'm so very sorry

:hug:

[Guava Jelly]

40. I am so sorry for you

As someone who's going through something sort of like yours I can relate.
Living a lie is a slow death though..
Everyone deserves to be happy.

[Haole Girl]

41. Blue_Roses, you doing ok today?

Just to let you know, I'm thinking about you
and hope you're doing alright, considering...

Hang in there!

[ThomCat]

42. I hope you can make a clean break

without too much pain. It sounds like a situation you need to escape. "drinking and crap" does not sound like a healthy thing to have to live with.

:hug:

[Haole Girl]

43. I had to check back....I'm trying not to worry, but I'm worried

Blue_Roses....calling Blue_Roses....

are you ok today?

[Haole Girl]

45. can I do this to my own reply without getting into trouble?

[Blue_Roses]

46. hey there KC

I have been keeping busy today taking the kids to a birthday party.

After passing out on the couch last, my husband woke this morning telling me he's sorry and doesn't want to divorce because of how much he loves me and the kids. :crazy: I think it's too late though. That genie has already been let out of the bottle.

At the end of this month, I'm making plans to move--he knows--and I told him we still need to seperate for awhile. Just taking it one day at a time for now.

Thank-you so much for your thoughts and concern:hug:

[mdmc]

47. peace and low stress to you blue roses

I have no advice and such. All I can tell you is my sister was miserable in her first marriage. She is very happy now, after her divorce.

I will say a prayer for you and your man. Plus your fundie family. :)

[NNadir]

48. I'm sorry Blue Roses.

I hope you heal.

Life does get better sometimes.

[sendero]

49. You will have..

.. a period of grief, but then you can get on with your life and find a mate that makes you happy, that you don't have to put on an eggshell-act for, and who loves you and you love.

Getting dumped was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Even though my marriage sucked I hope against hope that things would get better. They didn't. I would never have ended it (the kids and all) but she finally did.

It hurts a lot, but you cannot make a new start until you finish old business. You're gonna be fine!

[flamingyouth]

50. I'm very sorry for you

You've got friends here if you ever need a shoulder. :hug: