Since the Lounge is down, here's a joke

[JackSwift]

asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[Terwilliger]

1. another

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
Gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each Possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and a huge frown and
asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."

[YNGW]

2. And Another

Jesus is walking along and sees what looks like a familiar face. It is an old man, and he runs over and speaks to him.

"Old man, you look very familiar. Tell me, did you once live in a small seaside village?"

The old man replys, "Yes, yes I did."

Jesus looks at the man's hands. They are rough like a carpenter's hands.

"Tell me, as your occupation, did you work with wood?"

The old man replys, "Yes, yes I did."

Jesus asks him "Tell me, did you once have a son, but he wasn't REALLY your son?"

The old man's eyes light up, "Yes, yes I did."

Jesus throws his arms around the old man and says "Father!"

The old man throws his arms around Jesus and says "Pinocchio!"

[LanternWaste]

3. Just cause it's topical to the the thread...

Thought I'd never have a chance to tell anyone these two (and they're both the shortest jokes known to mankind, so that makes 'em doubly good!).

"Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second one would've ducked..."

"This baby seal walks into a club..."

I know, I know, number two is in really poor taste; I think that's what makes it so funny. Damn, people are gonna hate me now.

[Blade]

4. you deserve...

a slap in the face for those two! jk

[cade]

5. heh,hee

WIFE: "If I died first, would you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."