Hilarious movie review for Return of the King...must read for fans

[_Wayne_]

http://www.aint-it-cool-news.com/display.cgi?id=16641

snip

Whenever cool movie series get to the third movie they suck dicks like they’re trying to become Emperor of Dicksuck-ylvania. George Lucas had Star Wars, and then Empire Kicks Ass, and then all of a sudden it’s Planet of Furry Faggoty Fuckheads. Then he had to make two more to feed the Suck Demon that was holding his children hostage, and those movies went beyond gay to where they’re paying old people to take a dump on them.


I just saw HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS and that’s the movie I was talking about in the last paragraph. This movie will make you forget that if you stick a knife in your belly you’ll bleed to death so do not bring a knife to this movie.

But the movie is only doing this to set up the BATTLE OF SHIT-YOUR-PANTS, which isn’t the actual name of the battle but SHOULD be because you will shit stuff you did not eat when you see it. It all has to do with the fact that one of the midget-men takes this orb from the bad guy and he looks into it and sees the glowing eye’s plan (or part of it – something about a tree dying and Enya music playing). So he and Magneto go to this huge white city where the king is being a dick and just eating dinner while every puke-ugly bad-ass on the planet starts surrounding it, ready to open a Wal-Mart that only sells ball-stomp. There’s this one medium-sized battle in a city that is like the last line of defense for the Big-Ass White City and it’s pretty cool, with a lot of head-crunching and these huge flying bat demon things that I swear to God grab horses and the dudes riding them and fuck them up from the floor up. They’re really loud, too, and a lot of chicks and older people were covering their ears.

Meanwhile, Rudy and Fredo and Golem are getting closer to the volcano, and Golem makes Fredo hate Rudy, and then tricks Fredo into a cave where there’s a giant spider and FUCK that was really scary because even in real life giant spiders are bad news. Someone told me that all of the spider stuff actually happens in the second book in the series, and that they had to tweak some of the stuff that happens in the books to make the movies work. You know what? Good. Books suck. They used to be good back when people didn’t have movies and TV and dressed like Davey Crockett. People also used to ride horses and drink tea, but now we have cars and Sprite. Move the fuck on. Peter Jackson did an amazing job adapting these books, and now the movies are so kick-ass that some people are going to go back and READ the books, which wouldn’t have happened if he’d just filmed the books exactly as they are. Happy now, smarty?

[demnan]

1. That was funny, thanks.

[Kamika]

2. lol

Review for the jilted generation

[Beetwasher]

3. Best Line:

"...and also there’s some shit with the elves that’s like being in a fucking candle store for twenty minutes."

That whole review had me ROFLMAO! Thanks!

This was pretty funny too:

"How about Led Zeppelin’s “Ramble On”, which is where they got the name Golem,..."

[ajacobson]

4. Wow, I went to high school with that guy

oh wait, I was that guy in high school:party:

[Faygo Kid]

5. Clever language. Substitute for wit?

Couldn't even wade through this. A thesaurus would be a nice Christmas gift for this reviewer. Go ahead, flame me. I am not offended by the language - just the stupidity.