Dumb things you've said or done while drunk?

[NightTrain]

I've only been drunk twice in my life, and it's because of what I did that second time that I never got drunk again. I can think of no delicate or non-disgusting way to relate my actions, so proceed at your own risk.

I shit in a condom.

You read that right, folks!

It was nothing I would've done sober, but with some alcohol in my system, I didn't think twice about dropping my pants, stretching the condom out under my ass, and letting 'er rip!

When my father heard about it, he asked me, "How and why did you do that?" Like I needed a reason to do something stupid when drunk!

So, can you top that???

[Bunny]

1. NO.

You win. That cannot be topped!

[Robb]

2. No way.

I was gonna pop off with my story about telling a fellow passenger I was an armed air marshall, and she should just shut up before I shot her.

But no. You cannot be defeated.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

3. i slept with a republican

he did not vote so i think it sort of count less also i did not realize this till the following morning...so while your story is disgusting i think i was worse

[DS1]

4. You should have patented that idea while you had the chance. Link

http://www.bumperdumper.com/bumper2.htm

[HEyHEY]

5. Last night

At the city christmas party.
Haven't seen any of the old gang in months. My old boss was pregnant before I left. SHe's a bigger lady. Without thinking and only having the nicest of intentions...I walked up and pointed at here stomach..."So is it out yet?"

Yes, it had been out for two months....oops!

When she left my buddy came up put his arm on my shoulder and just says, "That was classy"

[Blue-Jay]

11. Take this advice to your grave, HEyHEY:

Unless you actually can see a baby coming out of her, NEVER ask a woman if she's pregnant. It's best to play it safe.

[HEyHEY]

12. yeah I shall remember that!

And then when THEY mention it you say "Oh you're pregnant, I'd never of guessed!"

[BOSSHOG]

13. I once asked a Librarian

when she was due. She politely informed that she was not pregnant.

[HEyHEY]

14. eeeeee

yikes

[kanrok]

41. Sweet move.

[trof]

6. "I can think of no delicate or non-disgusting..."

"I deficated into a latex birth control device."
But I'll grant you it doesn't carry quite the same striking mental image.
;-)
I lost my car outside a bar once, and reported it stolen. Forgot I had driven the other car that night. Quite embarrassing, the police report and all.

[Booberdawg]

7. I don't drink now as much or as often as I did in my younger days

but I'd say I'm either more sentimental or honest.

I definately can't top yours. :o

[Blue-Jay]

8. You win.

I've done some dumb, regretful, even self-destructive things while hammered, but you! You, sir, win the prize.

You don't still have it, do you?

[JitterbugPerfume]

9. most embarassing- stupid thing?

welllllll....probably saying "yes I will have sex with you" Girls aint the only ones who look better at closing time Haha

[NightTrain]

18. No, I don't still have it!

I have, however, occasionally tried to envision the face of the person who found it lying on the ground the next day! }(

[m-jean03]

10. riding my bike

very dangerous!

[thom1102]

15. Before a christmas party at my college...

I drank an entire bottle of Andre by myself at a pre party bash, and, trying to impress a late arrival, chugged 3 32oz screwdrivers, (she bet me that I couldn't beat her... she lost)

I lasted about 10 minutes at the party (which was celebrating the grand opening of the new multimillion dollar renovation of the Student Union) and then had to have a friend take me back to my room. I remember getting into bed with my tighty whiteys on, and having to throw up. I remember getting into a stall of our bathroom, which the whole floor shared, and throwing up, but that is all I remember.

The next morning, I woke up in my bed, naked (underwear no where to be found), crusted something tangled in my chest hair. My roommate, Mort the Mutant (a 6'3", musclebound, Dolph Lundgren lookalike, Repuke, Danish immigrant, Frat boy whom I hated), turns to me a says "Dude, are you alright? You were so sick last night that you were throwing up all over yourself. I had to make you throw up in the bucket!" I slowly got my brain functioning enough to get up, grab my shower stuff and head down the hall to clean up. I stopped at the stall that was my friend the night before and curled up in the corner was my underwear, further complicating my humilitation.

So to recap, in one night of drunken debauchery, I streaked down the hall of my dorm, blew chunks all over myself, my bed, probably my roommate, the bathroom I shared with like 30 other guys, and owed a debt of gratitude for saving my life to my roommate, whom I hated.

Does that beat shitting in a condom?

[trof]

17. Barfed in my car once.

Radio speaker was behind a bunch of little, teeny holes in the padded dash.
I'm out there the next day with a toothpick, excavating each tiny hole.
plah

[NightTrain]

20. Re: Does that beat shitting in a condom?

Well, Thom, I'd have to say we're at least tied for first place! :evilgrin:

[kanrok]

42. In a word:

No.

[RainDog]

16. you win

...I can think of a few, but mine will only be minor in comparison...thankgod...

...so, I was turning around and smiling at the cute, cute guy I was with on a date and promptly walked into the men's room by mistake...

and then, I was so flustered that I tucked my skirt into my underwear by mistake and walked out of the women's bathroom...

but that was better than being in a ski resort and taking the dare to walk from one window to another on a ledge in the lodge which, in a previous incarnation, had been a gothic-looking monastery. I did live to tell the tale, but I was too young and stupid at the time to know how dumb it was to be a daredevil.

now I'm a total wuss, female style.

and edited to spell while sober..

[souphound]

19. I can't remember

That is why I quit drinking 23 years ago.

[Bill McBlueState]

43. welcome

Welcome to DU, souphound! :hi:

[kanrok]

46. Hey Souphound!

Welcome. :hi:

[NeoConned]

21. I can come close-

There are sooo many to choose from but I think the topper is:

I once dove over a bush and landed with the weight of body (which is around 200#) on my chin on pavement-14 stitches and couldn't chew food for a month. Why, you ask, did you dive over the bush? Short, pithy answer-to get to the other side. Long answer I actually meant to dive into the bush and misjudged its height. Real answer-I don't know, I was drunk. But my friends credit me with giving a whole new meaning to the phrase "bush diver".

[neebob]

22. Where to start?

How about my top five? Before I list them, I'd like to emphasize they were all in the 1980s.

1. Slept with a number of losers and dirtbags who seemed attractive at the time.

2. Peed in a large potted plant and knocked it over in the middle of the night at the home of my cousin, where I was sleeping off her birthday party. I thought I was in the bathroom. Way super embarrassing in the morning.

3. Barfed up a bag of stale Doritos and several screaming orgasms on a suede ottoman at the home of my friend's friend who didn't like me very much to begin with.

4. Lost my girlfriends in a crowded biker bar, resisted a woman who was trying to get me to come home for a threesome with her and her trucker husband, fell asleep on the bar, was awakened and shooed away by the bartender, stumbled out into a frozen alley to look for my friend's car but found it was locked, passed out on a pile of snow, got into a van with a bunch of guys who came along, let them drive me to my car (which I'd left somewhere else), gave them my phone number, drove home, and was amazed when one of them called the next morning to make sure I was all right. Actually, this should probably be #1 or #2.

5. Woke up naked in a hotel room with my girlfriend and two (alleged) traveling salesmen, miles away from the bar where we met them, with no memory of how we got there or what happened. I suspect we were drugged, so maybe this one doesn't count.

I don't drink much anymore - maybe once every six months.

[neebob]

32. #6

I don't know how I forgot about this one, since it was my first drinking experience other than a beer or two. I was in "college," and I put that in quotes because it was a Mormon college in Rexburg, Idaho, with dorm parents and curfews and snitchy roommates. What a waste of time and money that was - I'm still traumatized.

My flight home for Christmas was a day later than most of the other prisoners', and I decided I was going to have a party in my room. I went to the Idaho State liquor store with two other naughty girls and bought a fifth of Bacardi light and some Coke.

It wasn't much of a party. The other two chickened out after the first round, and I ended up drinking most of the bottle. I have vague recollections of my one long-suffering, semi-cool roomie dragging me down the hall and putting me to bed (in the top bunk). I woke up on the floor with a gash on my forehead, less than an hour before my flight left from an airport 30 miles away. Some nice Mormon boy drove me - undoubtedly reeking, and I can't believe I never got in trouble for that - but of course I missed the flight. I had to make up a story for my dad, who had gone to the Denver airport in a snowstorm and been caught in a zoo and was not happy.

To this day, the thought of rum and Coke makes me sick.

[midnight armadillo]

23. I personally can't top it....

I once accidentally groped a friend. I was sitting on the ground at a party, quite drunk, was getting up and used my friend's breast as an aid to standing. I didn't notice at the time, either, which both perplexed and insulted her...although ultimately all involved found it to be pretty funny.

A friend last spring got sh*tfaced at a party on Long Island. He went out to his Jetta to sit in the back seat since he wasn't having fun. While there he needed to puke...so he crawled out, blew chunks, and returned. Then he was struck with a case of diarrhea, so he used a nearby bush, and got back in his car. This repeated several more times. The next morning, after sleeping on the back seat, he and another friend went to drive home. The second friend said "hey, your car stinks, what the hell happened?" They pulled over, and discovered the back seat floor was coated in a layer of vomit and shit. Same with his shoes - he kept tracking it into the car. Ugh.

[RobinA]

24. Can't Say I've Done Much

that is gross like the stories here, but I do have one that is downright stupid. And I can't even blame it on being intoxicated, because I made the decision to do it stone sober.

My boyfriend and I climbed up the side of one of those municipal water towers and then sat up there and smoked a joint. It was kinda fun up there, no need to be paranoid about being caught smoking, because no cop was going to come by and no one was going to smell it and call the police. But then it was time to climb down and I wondered exactly what I had done. Luckily, I was a pretty experienced pot smoker, so I was able to maintain while climbing the long way down.

[kanrok]

48. Who's Chunks?

[SiobhanClancy]

25. The dumbest thing I ever did while drunk was to get married...

Florida: No blood tests,no waiting,no sobriety test.

[matcom]

26. While posting on DU or in the "General Population"?

:D

done a lot.

shit in a condom?

i don't even think *I* can top that!

give me time though. i now have a benchmark :D

[scottcsmith]

27. Pizza Hut

Right after the first Gulf war ended, my ship made a port visit to Dubai, United Arab Emirates. Me and my friends got hammered (you can do that in the hotels) and then we went to Pizza Hut and had a huge pizza. We then hit another hotel bar and instead of beer we started doing tequilia shots and drinking up hard liquor like it was going out of style.

Needless to say, when we went back to the ship, I was out of my mind. I passed out and then threw up. I was lucky not to die. My buddies got me to sick bay and I woke up there naked, with a horrible hangover, being watched by one of the hospital corpsmen.

That was pretty stupid.

I haven't touched Tequila since, and that was 1991.

[Blade]

28. Nah, can't beat that.

sorry. I just do the usual puke and shit method when I'm drunk.

[Tredge]

29. One night in Tijuana...

...no wait, on second thought I don't want to tell that story.

[DS1]

30. I just shit in a condom, and I'm mailing it to Rudy Guiliani !

bwaahhahah!

Art joke.

[maxanne]

31. there isn't enough bandwidth

here at DU for my list. Suffice to say in 20 years of drinking and drugging I can't think of too many things I did or said that weren't stupid.

I heard a female comedian at an AA meeting in CA say, "If it weren't for alcohol and drugs I'd still be a virgin."

Every woman in the room roared. It's so true....

[markus]

33. A NightTrain (the wine) story

Man, you probably don't have enough time to hear my stupid while drunk stories.

But I have a Night Train story.

While I was in a grocery store in the Gentilly section of New Orleans (I forget which one), I was picking up a jug of cheap wine (college days, spaghetti night).

Two gentleman who, if not homeless, were certainly down on their luck and in bad need of a bath and some Charity Hospital Dental School work.

They were standing in teh aisle with the cheap wine, with a hand ful of change, trying to decide to to buy.

One turns to the other and says, "whatever it is, don't get that Night Train stuff. It's *nasty shit*."

So, what exactly the purpose of a wine so nasty that people who think Wild Irish Rose White and MD20-20 is "good stuff" won't drink it?

Buy me a beer and I'll tell you my stupidest while I was drunk story. It's a doosy.

[rbnyc]

34. Tried to seduce Graham Chapman.

When I was 15, I got drunk at a party for Graham Chapman and tried to seduce him.

I later passed out in an upstairs bedroom, then was driven home at about 5 am, carried to and left on my front stoop by my 22 year old boyfriend.

[DS1]

35. I fell off a house once

Which was probably a good thing, since I was talking all sorts of shit to the cops that were cruising by..

Yes, I got up and walked away.

:hi:

[hussar]

36. Too many to list

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

37. Hmmm...

Well I once drunk called my manager from the bathroom of a gay bar. I wanted to explain why her ex-gf had just drunk called her from my cell phone. She took it from me and didn't say who she was gonna call. Oddly enough, relations with my boss improved after this.

I also made out with a butt ugly woman once and accidentally gave her my real number.

[eileen_d]

38. DU does not have the disk space, bandwidth, etc. etc.

for me to list them all.

[Booberdawg]

39. Well, this is just dumb, but

a friend of mine in college asked me if he could borrow a Kleenex, and I handed it to him and told him he could keep it - I didn't want it back when he was finished. He got the giggles so bad neither one of us could stop for the next hour.

Guess you had to be there ..... :D

[legin]

40. back somersault onto the dance floor at a Jam gig

well it was more of a back dive onto my head I was told.

from a raised bit about 4 or 5 feet off the floor.

Was one of them anyway.

[Catshrink]

44. Got kicked out of the Kingdome during a Seahawks game.

A friend an I were blowing soap bubbles and wouldn't stop. We were drunk and pretty rude. We really didn't want to go to the game but my friend had his mom's tickets and felt obligated to go for at least a quarter. I don't think we made it that long.

[kanrok]

45. Seriously:

How drunk must one be to shit in a condom? The logistics boggle the mind! I CANNOT beat that, but I can compete: I used to be quite adept at vaulting over parking meters. Made the horrible mistake of trying it after it rained. Planted my hands on the meter, lifted myself up, slipped and came down on top of the meter with my ball-sack leading the way. Haven't done so since.

[FDRrocks]

47. Very

He must hold better than I. The only time I think I've been even close to that drunk... I was passed out a second later.