More child support bs, I'm getting sick of it!

[liberalhistorian]

As many of you know, I'm a never-married single mother, my son is nearing 13 years old. I've written here before about the problems I've had with his father and his father's girlfriend/fiance, especially once they had a son of their own three years ago.

I had a friendly relationship with his father before he moved in with her once their son was born. She resented his having to pay any child support at all, and thinks because I have a college degree, and make $26,000 a year that I'm rich and shouldn't need any child support, which is, as anyone who's a parent should know, total bullshit. I never had any trouble with him over child support until she taught him how to "game" the system for a long time without getting in trouble (believe me, there are plenty of ways to do it). Of course, she always bitched about the trouble she had with her ex getting child support for their daughter; obviously she never saw the irony in that.

My son's father's never made much money, anyway, and is in a field where layoffs are frequent and long, and she's constantly bitching at him about that, about how she never had to worry about money when she was married to her first husband and why can't he ever get it together, etc., etc. Believe me, I've personally witnessed that little charade. Well, he had to get a lawyer and go to court last summer because not only had he not paid anything at all for over a year, he wasn't even reporting employment or unemployment, as he was legally required to do. That seemed to straighten him out a little, and he finally started reporting employment or the lack thereof, as the case may be.

I certainly understood him being laid off and unable to find work, especially in the line of work he's in, that was never the problem. The problem I had was with him not reporting anything at all and providing no status updates like he was supposed to do, and he and his girlfriend's whole attitude about it, especially once their son was born. Like, he was more important and because they now had their own son, Chris didn't have any need of anything like clothes, food, shelter, silly, trivial things like that, and that because of my job and living with my parents he shouldn't have to contribute anything at all.

I had been getting child support fairly regularly for the past year. It wasn't much, $250 a month, but it was certainly a help. I haven't been getting them for almost two months, and now I find out from my caseworker that he hadn't reported anything like he's supposed to and that they discovered he had been terminated from his last position, they'd discovered it through their monthly running of social security numbers through the system and he hasn't responded to the status affidavits they've sent him. Of course, his girlfriends gets the mail first usually, so who knows what the fuck she does with whatever they send him.

So here we go yet AGAIN! Again, it isn't the fact he's lost yet another job and is having trouble finding another one, that I can more than understand and have no problem with. It's his and his girlfriend's whole attitude about it all, his failure to report or to return status updates, the whole attitude from both of them that he shouldn't have to pay anything because I make more money than he does (not much more, mind you, and I'd hardly call 26k a year "rich") and because they now have their own child, and I especially resent her resentment of his having to pay anything and her teaching him how to game the system. It's just so incredibly frustrating!!!!

[Pale Blue Dot]

1. That sucks, lh

I wish I had a more constructive comment than that.

[Bertha Venation]

2. I'm sorry.

$26k is "rich" only if you make less and resent everyone who makes a dime more than you do. Your son's father's girlfriend is an asshole.

I'm sorry you're getting the runaround. :hug:

[liberalhistorian]

3. I couldn't have said

it better myself! And yes, she really is an asshole. I think the only reason he puts up with it is because he doesn't want to end up paying child support to HER because he knows what a total and complete nasty bitch she'd be about it. And she would, too, no doubt about it. She'd expect him to work 24/7 and then some.

[salinen]

5. Don't blame her for everything

If she's convinced him not to pay, it's the same as him convincing himself no to pay. When they get married soon they will be a 2 income household, compare that to yours. She knew going in that he has a son.

[nini]

4. She sounds like a real winner..

doesn't he have to pay back support he misses when he's unemployed?

she's obviously too stupid to realize the game playing will catch up eventually. It's easier to keep current on this type things. She'll get hers... one way or another it'll come back at her 10 fold.

Hang in there.

[liberalhistorian]

7. Yes, he does have to pay back support,

they just add it to the total that he owes and take an extra $50 bucks a month until it's paid off. He doesn't have to pay it all at once, so he doesn't give a shit. His total is almost four thousand dollars right now.

[nini]

10. go after his income tax returns...

if there are any.

[liberalhistorian]

12. Can I do that, or is that

something my caseworker would have to do? I'd feel somewhat uncomfortable, but then again, I've been way too nice all these years, putting up with a lot of shit.

[nini]

45. The caseworker should be able to do that for you...

...if not call the IRS and ask them about it.

I 'think' if you have proof of the suppport owed you there is a form to fill out and the refund if any will be sent to you.

I have a friend that gets her ex's every year..

Good luck!

[liberalhistorian]

46. I already get his state and

federal tax returns, have been for a couple of years. And I hear no end of bitching about it from them, too.

[Momof1]

14. In Pa

If they are behind in child support you get his income tax refund check. Ask Domestic relations about it. I have a friend that has 2 kids to her ex-boyfriend, and he met this "woman" married her within a year, and she is trying to screw my friend out of support too.

They are soo poor, he can't pay child support, but since buying her an engagement ring, he also has got her a belly button piercing.

She doesn't have a job. She is supposibly going to school full-time.
Which she isn't, and my friend just found proof that he lied under oath at the last hearing...I could go on and on about the stunts they have pulled...it got really nasty.

[liberalhistorian]

15. That's exactly this situation, too,

she doesn't have a job either and is going to school full-time, for an associate's degree in business management. I do get his state and federal income tax return, but it really isn't all that much, and they really resented my getting that, too, I guess they think Chris doesn't have any needs that cost money. I'm the one who buys all his clothes, food, school supplies and lunches, and all the other seemingly endless needs kids have.

[Momof1]

16. hmm,

About 6 yrs ago, they bought a trailor. She put her inheritance from her father passing away into it $5000. The idiot boyfriend put in $1700 and his mom put in another $2000. My friends credit was horrible, so they put it in HIS name. Well needless to say, in May of this year, she got a notarized letter in the mail demanding $350 for rent every month or she had 30 days to vacate. He threw his own children out on the street. Luckily she found a place. In the last hearing he was complaining cause he had to pay for his wife's daughter's daycare. And was able to reduce his Child-support by $100 a month. He pays nothing for clothing, food, school necessities. And he just turned around and sold the trailor. He has the nerve to call her up, and tell her what a rotten mother she is for not letting him have the kids 3 days a week. Both kids also have asthma, and the new wife and father both smoke in front of the kids, even after letters were sent from the kids Doctor. (sorry, don't mean to go on like this, but when I got my check from Bush this passed summer, I gave it to her...) This subject just burns me up...

[liberalhistorian]

17. He shouldn't have been able

to have gotten his child support reduced because he was paying for his stepdaughter's daycare, usually any expenses for stepchildren don't count in the eyes of the court, nor should they, your OWN CHILDREN should come first and that's the way the law normally looks at it. And it's always burned me up that child support can be reduced if the parent paying it has another child, that's bullshit! If a couple has more than one child, does the first child stop needing anything, and cost any less, just because there's another child now? NO!!!!

And smoking.....I refuse to allow Chris to see them anymore until they quit smoking in front of him, because it makes him ill. They both smoke like chimneys (imagine how much money THAT costs!), it bothers him, but they get really angry with him if he says anything, because he's "not allowed" to say anything. Well, my lawyer sent them a nice little letter saying that I had every right to demand that they not smoke around him and to refuse to allow him to visit unless they comply, so I haven't heard from them for a few months now. Not that I care, lol!

He also has Asperger's Syndrome, a type of high-functioning autism, and, being dumb as rocks themselves, they have no clue how to deal with that even though I've explained it over and over and over and over and over and over again, every fucking time I came to pick him up we'd have to have little "talks" about his behavior and why does he have to act like that and why doesn't he respond to our discipline, etc., etc. It caused him no end of emotional problems and it would take me days to get him back under control after visiting them, because they were always yelling and swatting him, and that just doesn't work with Asperger's kids.

[Momof1]

18. What total freaking idiots..

Unbelievable, my friends lawyer advised her, that she could keep the kids from them if the smoked in front of them, but they swear the smoke in the basement, but their clothes stink everytime they come home. She doesn't want to out and out, deny him seeing the kids, but I have warned her about his wife, from the time they started dating, we went to school together, and I knew it was going to turn into this.

The son who is in kindergarten has had a very bad time adjusting to the situation, and he has started having "accidents" But he doesn't wet himself on a daily basis, just the few days before he has to go to his dad's. I guess when he has accidents at dad's house, he gets disciplined, and his mom was told that he was grounded for 2 weeks after one visit. The dad just doesn't understand the more he yells the more the son gets upset.

The dad's excuse in court was, his wife was a full-time student, with a child to raise, and he didn't make enough money to support his family. lol his family is those kids, he just refused to see it. My friend has since found out that she has been out of school for months, but the dad forgot that tidbit when he was on the stand, she is appealing the decision now.

[liberalhistorian]

19. She has the legal grounds to

keep the kids away from them until they stop smoking around them, and it really sounds like she should do that. I was nice for too long and it's gotten me NOWHERE! I even let her yell at my son in front of me, but no more. They ain't seeing him until they shape up, and, given that they refuse to even communicate right now because they're so angry that I'm demanding that they not smoke around him and that they learn to handle his Asperger's Syndrome better, that isn't gonna be anytime soon. And I ain't exactly crying a river over it, either. Chris doesn't miss them at all, but he does miss his brother, whom he really loves, and that's his only sibling.

[NightTrain]

22. That poor kid....

Chris must think that his father doesn't give a shit about him at all. As severely flawed as my own parents were, I could always take at least some solace in knowing that they really did love and care about me. I fear that your poor son won't be able to say that about his father. Thank god Chris has you, LH!

[liberalhistorian]

24. He already tells me that

the only reason he wants to go there is to see his little brother. I tell him that his father loves him, he just has a different way of disciplining and handling him, but I don't think he really believes that. Especially now that he won't stop smoking or learn how to handle him better in order to see him. Or maybe his girlfriend's the one that doesn't want to deal with it and he has to go along to keep the peace, who knows. She's a controlling bitch, so that wouldn't surprise me at all.

[hussar]

23. Smokers are evil

you are either with us or against us.........give me a break, I smoke but not in front of kids, in the house and I always discourage people from taking up the habit but at the end of the day it's my choice.....I am not evil.

[Momof1]

25. I'm not evil, I smoke too, but not in front of kids

When you know your kids have asthma, and you chose to smoke in the same room with them. THAT is EVIL. My friend has to pay for all the medication, (she should nail him for 50% but she is to nice for her own good)

When those kids come home from daddy's house everytime coughing & hacking, there is a problem. They are to selfish to consider the health of their own children. That is sad.

[hussar]

26. Agreed

but lets get to the point, it's the people that are the problem?

[liberalhistorian]

29. Yes, it's the people who are the problem.

If they choose to smoke in front of their kids knowing how much it affects them, and if my son's father would rather smoke than see his own son, and would rather kowtow to his girlfriend who doesn't want to stop smoking around him (notice I said AROUND HIM, not stop smoking, period), then they are, indeed, the problem.

[liberalhistorian]

27. I never said smokers are evil,

I used to be one myself until about thirteen years ago. They have the right to make the choice to smoke if they want, and to smoke around their own three-year-old son, who happens to get frequent respiratory infections btw (gee, I wonder why?). But they do NOT have the right to smoke around my son, especially since it bothers him so much, and they ESPECIALLY DO NOT HAVE the right to forbid him to say anything about it when it bothers him and to get angry if he does. If his father would rather smoke than see his own son, then that's his own damn choice.

[hussar]

31. I agree with you all the way

I just get irked by people laying all the blame with cigarettes, it's the people that smoke them that have the responsibility, I would never smoke in the house or around children.

BTW love you, hope all works out.

[NightTrain]

6. My thoughts are with you, LH!

What I find disheartening is that it always seems to be the nicest people wyho get screwed over. Much as I hate to say it, you really do have to be a ball-busting prick to get anywhere in this society!

Guess that's why I've never made more than $22,000 a year myself. But at least I leave my job every day with the knowledge that nothing I did at work caused harm to anyone else. That's more than Ken Lay or Dick Cheney could say (if they gave a shit about harming other people, that is)!

[liberalhistorian]

8. That's exactly right, Dean,

and I'd rather not make much money and do good than make a ton and screw people over.

BTW, I thought you were going to a concert in MA tonight? And did you get the picture okay? I was worried that I hadn't sent it right.

[NightTrain]

9. I thought I was going to a concert in MA tonight, too!

I've already posted to the Lounge about it.

Regarding your child-support situation, something else occurred to me. Wasn't this the same guy who kicked you out of the house, thus rendering you homeless, while you were pregnant with his son? If so, then he and the girlfriend deserve each other!

You, on the other hand, deserve much better, LH. Don't ever forget that! :pals:

[liberalhistorian]

11. Yes, he is, indeed, the same

guy and you're right, they do deserve each other, lol! And I do deserve better, it just took me a long, long time to realize that!

[radwriter0555]

41. LH you DO deserve a LOT better, and it's only $3000 a year... that's

such a small amount of money for all that aggravation. My ex owes me more than $50,000 in back child support, which I figured from day one I'd never see. So I just forgot about it. What's the point? Going after it is just too too hard. You'd be better off focusing on your son that staying involved with those people.

Even though your son loves his litle brother, he can just stop thinking about him eventually; out of sight, out of mind.

Your life would be a lot easier without that $9 a day.... a dollar an hour for a work day.

It's just not worth the hassle. If the guy were to die or move away, you'd forget about him soon enough. So just pretend he's done it already.

[liberalhistorian]

42. Believe me, I'm really tempted to do so.

But the county child support bureau has a life of its own, and they go after child support no matter what. I don't know what the legalities of asking them not to try to collect anymore are.

[OKNancy]

13. Oops.....nevermind

I wrote something ..but I got you confused with liberalnurse

[reknewcomer]

20. I assume the father has custody and visition rights

Yes?

[liberalhistorian]

21. I have custody, but he has

visitation rights and I have never, nor have I ever wanted to, kept him from seeing him. I've bent over backwards, as a matter of fact, and I'm the one who's provided ALL of the transportation for about three years now. They live an hour away, in my old college town, so whenever I take him there I have to hang around for several hours until it's time to pick him up. They haven't once offered to pick him up or bring him home in over three years.

[reknewcomer]

35. Then he should pay

Period.

[Zomby Woof]

28. I'd help ya

But I have lots of sand in my ears and can't think realistically anyway.

Good luck.

[alwynsw]

30. I truly empathize with you

Now try being a custodial father attempting to collect support payments order by the court. Not trying to do a drama thing but my son is now 25 and my ex-wife still owes over 12K in back support. I'vve written it off in my personal account as a bad debt.

Three times I filed a URESA collection. Three times, the receiving county attorney returned the suit with the names changed to reflect me as the respondent. I guess he figured that since I have a penis I counln't possibly have custody.

I understand your frustration. Been there and it stinks.

[liberalhistorian]

33. I'm sorry for what you've had to deal

with, and what the county attorney pulled is pure bullshit, speaking as a paralegal. You NEVER assume anything if you're in the legal profession!

Women can be just as bad as some men when it comes to child support. My stepsister's husband simply went and took his two young sons from their trailer rather than waiting for the courts, because their mother would leave them alone for long stretches of time, sometimes a couple of days, without food, electricity, heat, etc., and they were only 4 and 7! He and my stepsister raised them, and I think that they got maybe three or four support checks in fourteen years, and they were lucky to get those. And there are custodial fathers in my church's single parent group who are dealing with the same shit, so it's by no means just a one-gender problem.

[lazarus]

36. Thanks for acknowledging that

I'm to the point of not having the money to go to court to have custody legally changed over, even though my ex-wife has given me my daugher, to the extent of a notarised letter and everything. If she'd bother sending me any child support as she promised, I could afford to go to court and get it all straightened out. As it is, I'm just lucky I live in a different state, as Alabama is still after me for child support, even though I don't live there, the child doesn't live there, the mother doesn't live there, and they've been told by both of us that the child is living with me know.

:shrug:

Funny, she never had to come up with any money. I even had to pay for the divorce.

[liberalhistorian]

37. That's ridiculous.

Go to your county's legal aid society, they should be able to help you formalize custody of your daughter, which you really need to do. If they can't or won't help you, go to your county's bar association and ask for a pro bono referral to a domestic relations attorney who can help, that usually works. Good luck!

[lazarus]

49. Hadn't thought of that

I'll do that next week, thank you!

[alwynsw]

38. Thanks for the thought

Sorry I sort of hijacked your thread for a little rant, but education is a good thing, yes? I wish more folks realized that it works - or doean't work - both ways.

[liberalhistorian]

43. Believe me, I do too,

and I think that that might, indeed, be starting to happen because more and more men are gaining custody of their children and having trouble getting the court-ordered support from their children's mother.

[Blue_Chill]

32. 26k rich? ha!

His girlfriend is a complete idiot. Good luck with the dead beat, I feel for you.

[liberalhistorian]

34. I certainly

WISH that 26k were rich, lol! Maybe thirty or forty years ago it was.

[SheilaT]

39. The truly sad thing

reflected in all these posts is that some people who have children take absolutely no responsibility for them. The sad truth for most women who have a child out of wedlock is that she ends up being the sole support. And then there are the women who have no notion of what being a mother is all about.

Best wishes to all who posted their sad stories here. It's the children who suffer the most, and too many irresponsible parents don't seem to care at all about that.

[REP]

50. True

It seems as though sometimes people thing they can hold on to a partner or save a failing marriage with an "unplanned" pregnancy, and it almost never works that way. I almost feel sorry for men who were "oopsed" into fatherhood - but, then again, that's no excuse not to pay child support.

[LWolf]

40. I'm so sorry.

Been there. Done that. Never received any child support. I feel for you.

I had two boys. I was married to their dad for 10 years. During which time we were homeless 3 times, constantly evicted, etc., because he wouldn't keep a job, and wouldn't pay bills when he had one. Other habits were more pressing. We ate because I worked, but I didn't make enough money to do it all. So utilities being shut off, etc., were pretty common. After I divorced him, he never again worked "above the table." He did under the table construction work, which couldn't be traced because he was paid in cash. He never lived anywhere longer than 3 months; so I'd report his location, and by the time the child support bureaucracy caught up to him, he was gone. By the time my boys reached 18, he had racked up an impressive debt, since they kept adding interest to everything he hadn't paid, which was the entire total. He died penniless. I let it go. Except when I'm pinching pennies myself.

I hope you fare better with the money. I feel fortunate. I still have the boys.

[liberalhistorian]

44. Yes, the children are, ultimately,

the most important thing and you are, indeed, lucky to have them. It sounds like it just wasn't worth the hassle to keep trying to find him and report his whereabouts. Nowadays, though, the child support agencies are a lot more sophisticated and have a lot more resources and power at their disposal; it doesn't take them nearly as long to find people, hell, they just run the social security number through the system and they not only know where they live, they know where their job is as well. And it's much harder now to get away with getting paid under the table than it used to be.

[LWolf]

47. I'll hold out some hope for you, then!

I started to say it hasn't been that long, and then I realized that the youngest turned 24 last summer. <sigh> Time sure flies.

[LincolnMcGrath]

48. I have cusody of my 3 boys

I do not receive support.