This Was the Top Ten That Wasn't - Democratic Underground

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Tue Dec-16-03 12:44 PM
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This Was the Top Ten That Wasn't

Hey everyone,

After the capture of Saddam on Sunday, Monday's Top Ten became kinda irrelevant. It was written last Friday, so of course there was no mention of the huge Saddam story - and it's not like there was a negative aspect to Saddam's capture anyway. Now we can torture the guy till he tells us where he hid all those weapons of mass destruction! After all, wasn't that the reason we invaded Iraq in the first place - to make America safer? I know I feel much safer today, now that Saddam isn't hiding in a shit pit under a shack, than I did last Saturday when he was still hiding in said shit pit.

But anyway, while it seemed weird to run the Top Ten first thing on Monday without any mention of the biggest story of the day, we thought it would be fun to post the list here on the boards for those of you who wanted to read it. So here it is: the "lost" Top Ten No. 138.

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The Bush Administration
We keep being told that the grown-ups are back in charge, so why do I get the feeling that this country is currently being run by a gang of sociopathic Taser-toting five-year-olds? When he was in London a few weeks ago, Our Great Leader gave a speech lauding the virtues of international cooperation and respect. Then he met with German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder in New York where the two leaders (sorry, one leader and one asshat) agreed to put their differences aside and cooperate on Iraq. Then Colin Powell pleaded with NATO for more involvement in Iraq, and Germany and France did not object. Super! Super, that is, until last week - when the Pentagon suddenly announced that only countries who were militarily involved in Operation Iraqi Oilsnatch would be eligible to receive contracts for reconstruction work - which means no France or Germany. Funnily enough, this announcement came on the same day that Bush called Jacques Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder to encourage them to forgive Iraq's foreign debt - which it looked like they were about to do. Fat frickin' chance of that now, eh George? What's even stranger is that this announcement barely changes the way that contracts will be bid on in Iraq, because "practical and political considerations" already ruled most countries out. The only difference is that now we're waving it in the faces of our former allies and singing "Nyahh nyahh, sucks to be you" at them. Still, not to worry. We're obviously doing such a great job by ourselves in Iraq (if you don't count the constant bombings and murders and half the new Iraqi army quitting) that we clearly don't need any assistance there. Kinda makes you wonder why the administration wasted all that time sucking up to France and Germany in the first place. Until you realize it's because they're INSANE.

George W. Bush
Bush, of course, was flippant about Operation Let's Piss Off The Very People We Need Lots Of Assistance From. When told by a reporter that the contracts policy may violate international law, he joked, "International law? I better call my lawyer!" Gee whiz, I'm glad someone thinks this is funny. But perhaps Our Great Leader's most telling quote is this one: "the expenditure of U.S. dollars will reflect the fact that U.S. troops and other troops risked their life." Thanks for admitting that our soldiers died for Halliburton, George. But this wasn't the only strange foreign policy behavior by the Chimp-in-Charge last week: Bush also met with Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao in the Oval Office, had a cosy chat with the communist dictator, and then "harshly rebuked" Taiwan's democratically-elected President Chen Shui-bian. Funny how that works, isn't it? It was just a few short weeks ago that Bush was making speeches about how "the global expansion of democracy is a pillar of American foreign policy" and then the next thing you know he's siding with a communist dictator over a democratically-elected president. Bizarre.

Halliburton
I hate to say "I told you so," so I won't. But is anyone surprised to learn that Halliburton (former CEO: Dick Cheney) has allegedly screwed the American taxpayer out of almost $130 million dollars? Yup, it turns out that the Pentagon has begun investigating Halliburton after it was revealed that its subsidiary Kellogg Brown & Root may have overcharged the government by $61 million for gasoline and $67 million for, uh, catering. Incidentally, this isn't the first time that Halliburton has been accused of overcharging. According to the UK Guardian, "Last year, the firm paid $2m in fines to settle charges of inflating prices for repairs and maintenance at Fort Ord, California. In 1997 and 2000, the General Accounting Office, the congressional watchdog, found that KBR had billed the army for questionable expenses on its support contracts for operations in the Balkans. Those reviews cited instances such as charging $85.90 per sheet of plywood actually costing $14.06, and billing the army for cleaning some offices up to four times per day." So let me get this straight. Halliburton CEO Dick Cheney leaves the company when he becomes Vice President. Cheney, with the help of his power-mad PNAC buddies, gets the government to pay for the destruction of Iraq and then gets the government to pay for it to be rebuilt. The contracts coincidentally go to his former company, which also just happens to donate an awful lot of money to the Republican party, and now we find out that they may have accidentally overcharged on two of their contracts by a trifling $128 million dollars. Well, move along, I guess. Nothing to see here.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Remember when Arnold Schwarzenegger said that if he was elected governor of California, one of the first things he would do would be to investigate charges of sexual harrassment against him? Well in an ironic twist of fate, since becoming governor of California one of the first things Arnold Schwarzenegger has done is announce that he's abandoning his plans to investigate charges of sexual harrassment against him. Funny how that works, ain't it? Governor Groping Austrian Beefcake dorpped the plan last week because of the "political nature of the allegations." Perhaps he should have thought of that before he promised to hold an investigation, eh? Mind you, it's not like Arnie really has much idea of what the hell happened between the time he announced he was running for governor and the time he was elected. Referring specifically to Rhonda Miller, the stuntwoman who claimed that Arnold groped her, and who was then subsequently smeared by Schwarzenegger's campaign (they provided the press with an arrest record for a different woman named Rhonda Miller), the musclebound man-mountain told Sean Hannity last week that, "I don't know anything about the woman's claim. That's something that has to do with the campaign, and so I'm not familiar with that." What a maroon.

George W. Bush (again)
In Top Ten 137 we noted that George W. Bush's 150-minute trip to "support the troops" in Iraq on Thanksgiving was topped off by a grinning Dubya clutching a phony turkey in front of the cameras. But apparently phoniness was the order of the day for Our Great Leader's Great Thanksgiving Surprise. According to Stars and Stripes, the U.S. military's official newspaper, "only those preselected got into the facility during Bush's visit." Fancy that. And in a letter to Stars and Stripes, one soldier wrote, "Imagine their dismay when they walked 15 minutes to the Bob Hope Dining Facility, only to find that they were turned away from their evening meal because they were in the wrong unit... They understand that President Bush ate there and that upgraded security was required. But why were only certain units turned away?" Why indeed. Mind you, since George was only going to be there for an hour or so, he didn't really have much time to do a lot of "troop supporting." In a related story, British air traffic controllers are still super-pissed at Bush for his little PR stunt because when Air Force One pretended to be a Gulfstream V as it crossed British airspace, it broke all kinds of international aviation laws. Not that Bush gives much of a damn about boring stuff like international laws, of course!

House Republicans
Ho ho ho! While Bill O'Reilly continues to have fits about evil liberals trying to destroy Christmas, the real Grinches are turning out to be GOP lawmakers. Before calling it quits and going on vacation last week, House Republicans allowed a program to help the nation's unemployed expire - which means that hundreds of thousands of unemployed people will lose federal assistance just days before Christmas. The GOP desperately wanted to do this last year but decided to back down when George W. Bush realized that it might make him look a bit Scrooge-ish. Of course, since then the Bush administration has abandoned pretty much all pretense of "compassionate conservatism," so take that, layabout scum! No holiday for you! According to the San Francisco Chronicle, the reason given for allowing the program to expire is that "the economy is improving and jobless claims are dropping." Right - and hundreds of thousands of people are going to be able to get work by December 20th, I'm sure. Gee, I wonder if Bill O'Reilly is going to make a stink about any of this? Yeah, right...

Bill Janklow
So long, Bill Janklow. The congressman from South Dakota was convicted of manslaughter last week after putting up a frankly pathetic display in court. Always ready to take personal responsibility for his actions, Janklow in his defense tried to blame his diabetes for the crash because he'd forgotten to take his medicine that day. Oh, well I guess it wasn't his fault after all then. Also, he hadn't had anything to eat that day. And as everyone knows, if you're a diabetic who's forgotten to take his medicine and hasn't had anything to eat all day, the first thing you should do is get in your car and drive 70 in a 55. Not to mention that Janklow has been stopped for speeding and running stop signs many, many times in the past, and even bragged about it during a State of the State speech when he was governor (see Idiots 123). See? None of this is really his fault. You've got to feel a little bit sorry for Bill though. "I wake up and just sweat. You can't imagine what this is like," said he during the trial. Cheer up Bill - at least you're not dead like that motorcyclist you ran over!

Brian Battaglia
Brian Battaglia is the chairman of the Penn State College Republicans, and boy, do those guys know how to throw a party. Battaglia recently posted some pictures on his personal website of a Halloween bash he threw earlier in the year and is now - deservedly - in a world of shit. The not-so-hilarious self-captioned pictures feature Battaglia and his costumed friends. One of them is a white man in blackface, with the caption: "Apparently Takkeem was released long enough to come to our party. We thank the local police department." Another picture is of a white man wearing a pillow case as a hood, the caption reading: "He took a break from cross burning to drink a cold one." Get it?! Battaglia said that he was "familiar" with the photos, but apparently wouldn't admit to posting them (uh, to his own personal website). But he managed to get his point across a little better in a written statement which went something like this: "The bedrock principals of the conservative movement generally and the College Republicans in particular, are personal liberty and freedom of expression. The College Republicans stands ... staunchly opposed to the mindset held by the radical left on college campuses across the country. Their viewpoints, which posit that any action or speech that gives discomfort to a vocal minority should be cause for censorship, persecution, or demands for public apologies, are the greatest threat to liberty in our time." You go, Brian. You're standing up for all those poor downtrodden white male conservatives against hordes of horrible oppressive colored people. Why don't you stick a bone through your nose and wave a spear next time? For fuck's sake...

Bill O'Reilly
Who's looking out for you? Well if you're interested in the truth, it's not Bill O'Reilly. The loudmouthed blowhard was "reporting" on the Bush administration's Iraq contract snub last week when he decided to take on Canada. "Canada can't help us anyway. They have no military to speak of. And the socialistic system they have there has nearly bankrupted them. So Chretien is history." Yeah, Canada sucks! Thanks for telling me about their evil socialistic ways, Bill! God bless Fox News! There's just one slight problem - Bill's way off base. In fact, you might say he's "talking out of his ass." Back in October, Finance Minister John Manley announced that Canada's budget surplus for the 2002-2003 was a $7 billion. And that's their sixth straight surplus. Perhaps Bill just got confused between Canda's "socialistic" budget surpluses and our own enormous $500 billion budget deficit. Oh no, wait, I forgot - huge budget deficits are good, right? Those damn Canadian commies and their stupid budget surpluses! Pshaw!

Dick Cheney
And finally, Dick Cheney hasn't been seen round these parts for quite some time, but he managed to get out of his undisclosed hidey-hole for a day of fun last week. Cheney took Air Force Two (at the taxpayer's expense, presumably) to a private club in Pennsylvania for a spot of hunting. Well - I say "hunting," but this ain't exactly hunting. The word "hunting" implies a bit of skill and finesse - man against animal, locked together in an ancient struggle for survival, at one with nature, all that sort of thing. Dick Cheney's version of hunting is a bit different: you stuff 500 farm-raised pheasants in a box at one end of a field, and then you and your buddies stand at the other end, and then someone pulls a lever and - SQUAWK! SQUAWK! FLUTTER! KABLAMMO! Dick Cheney may call it hunting, but the Humane Society refer to it as an "open-air abattoir," which seems a little more apt. Cheney and Co. apparently managed to bag 417 pheasants (wow, that's almost one pheasant for every U.S. soldier killed in Iraq! I hope it gave Dick a thrill...) and then moved on to duck "hunting" in the afternoon, before shoving their haul aboard Air Force Two and disappearing as magically as they had arrived. Nice to see that the vice president is hard at work, uh, slaughtering birds.